


Dearest Father

by FenZev



Category: Dragon Age, Dragon Age II
Genre: Brother-Sister Relationships, F/M, Falling In Love, Father-Daughter Relationship, Friendship/Love, Guilt, Other, Religious Conflict, Romance, Slow Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-07-27
Updated: 2015-07-24
Packaged: 2017-11-10 20:06:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 92
Words: 142,217
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/470152
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FenZev/pseuds/FenZev
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Summary: Hawke struggles to discover herself, her strength, and her place in Kirkwall through letters she writes to her father Malcolm. Conflicted with being a mage while believing in the Maker, she finds comfort in the company of Sebastian, a brother of the Chantry with his own inner turmoil. A playthrough story of DA2 with some AU elements.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Destruction of Lothering

_Dearest Father,_

_"Maker save us, we've lost it all. Everything your father and I built." Those are the words I remember most falling from mothers lips as we ran, tirelessly, away from all we knew._

_Mother came up with the brilliant idea to go to Kirkwall. I suppose it was the best idea, considering we didn't know anyone anywhere else. But the templars there, Father you warned us about Kirkwall and I am nervous about our destination._

_We met a couple on the road fleeing Lothering, Aveline and her husband Wesley. I could hear your laugh in my head when we ran into them, Wesley being a templar. Funny I seemed more interested in Aveline and the way she was so protective over him. Her expression was filled with fire and strength...it reminded me of you when you looked at Mother._

_Carver and Aveline spoke of Ostagar, of its spreading destruction. The road we traveled was enough evidence of that; the soft green grass turned brown and shriveled under the constant fall of death. Your demon stories did nothing to help me face my first darkspawn Father; their snarling teeth dripping of spit and blood. Their sullen dead eyes...I don't suppose anything can prepare you for that._

_Or the sight in the distance as we battled the foul creatures. We could see the smoke funneling into the sky from where Lothering used to be. Our home Father, the last one we knew with you, gone. I nearly lost myself into its flames, wishing to curl into your lap again as if I were still a child. But the twins looked to me to get them out, save Mother, and survive. No time for self-pity at that moment. Is there ever? No you'd say, I know._

_Have you ever seen an ogre Father? Did you ever watch it lift someone you care about and slam them into the ground repeatedly, and then toss the body aside as if it were a rotten piece of meat? This is where I failed you Father. Failed Mother, and Carver, our family. Bethany was strong and brave and faced that ogre head on, praying to the Maker for strength before she poured her magic over him._

_When I saw her fall...Father I nearly failed you again with the anger that welled up inside of me. I wanted to call to every source of power I was able to and bring my sister back, the only one besides you who understood me in this world. "How could you let her charge off like that," Mother had said. She blamed me. Do you blame me as well? It's alright if you do, I blame myself._

_I hope she is now at your side Father. That templar said some words to help her find her way. At least you have some company now._

_Wesley. That templar's name was Wesley. I try to forget his name, his face, the way his hands clasped around mine holding the dagger that would end his life. The corruption of the darkspawn blood seemed to have infected him and he begged for death rather than try to continue on with us. The witch, I'll explain her in a minute, insisted we leave him behind._

_You know me Father. I have a hard time killing a fly. Those creatures were easy. That ogre even easier. But a man, even if a templar, was still a man. He had a wife who knelt beside him watching her lover take his last breaths. I don't know if he had other family, but I'm sure he had friends in the Order. I haven't had a moment to myself to really accept responsibility for my actions, but I fear what that solitude will finally do to me._

_I allowed Bethany to get killed. And a man died at my hands. Purposefully. Merciful or not, I pushed the blade through his armor, into his flesh, and robbed him of any further words to his wife. I can't Father...I just can't..._

* * *

_Sorry for the delay in completing these words to you Father. It seemed Mother was still angry with me and Carver suggested I speak to her while we were trapped on this ship from Gwaren to Kirkwall. Mother is still lost in her grief over her daughter and home. I hope Kirkwall brings her out of it._

_So the witch...Flemeth is her name. I don't know what we would've done if she didn't arrive. At first she swooped out of the sky in the form of a dragon! Father, it was magnificent and frightening all at once! To watch her descend upon the darkspawn that were overwhelming us, destroy them within seconds, and then transform into the woman we met...I wish you could've been there. I'd love to know what you think of her._

_"Hurdled into the chaos you fight, and shape the world before you." Those words may have fallen from her lips, but they reminded me of you Father. I like to think you or the Maker sent her to us, seeing that we had suffered enough._ _Carver didn't want to trust her, no surprise there. For the son of a mage and the brother of two, he sure does hate us doesn't he. I am trying Father, remembering your words to be patient and kind towards him, but he infuriates me sometimes! Again, I digress, sorry. My mind is all over the place and I really want off this blighted ship!_

_Flemeth, the witch, offered us a deal. She would get us safely to Gwaren in exchange for a delivery of an amulet once we get to Kirkwall. Too good to be true? Probably, be on your guard you always warned, but Mother was so exhausted by this point I didn't see what choice we had. Aveline didn't agree with me; going off and trusting an apostate. Does she remember I am a mage? Or was her marriage to a templar clouding her judgement? We had that in common Flemeth said, both of us apostates, and of course she wasn't wrong. "We don't have much choice," I told her._

_"We never do," she responded. She seems very wise Father. Powerful obviously, but those golden eyes of hers seem to see much more than she lets on. Though she does speak of a future, if you listen carefully to what she says. Another lesson of yours, always pay attention to the unspoken words. I heard her, though I think I wanted to ignore her at the time._

_We're arriving in Kirkwall Father. As we approached we saw the cliffs; they seemed to stretch for miles on each side of the city that was tucked away between them. The stone was black, haunting, and did nothing for squelching my fears about this idea. There were two massive bronze statues; figures covering their faces...in tears? And the chains Father...the chains are everywhere. Truly frightening to pull into this city. I hope someone is watching over us. I hope you are._

* * *

"What is she doing," Aveline asked as she watched Hawke approach a barrel lit with flames, warming other refugees in the Gallows courtyard.

Carver shook his head, rolling his eyes at the back of his sister. "She writes letters to our father; been doing it since he died."

"I'm sorry," Aveline said sympathetically, "I didn't know."

"How could you, we've only just met," Carver replied as he watched Hawke burn the pages. "She believes if she burns her letters, the magic of the flame will reach Father and he'll be able to read them."

Aveline wasn't sure if she was touched by the gesture or slightly disturbed. "It sounds like she has a problem with moving on," Aveline muttered, though Carver heard her words.

"Yes well, it seems to work for her so I don't discourage it. I just wonder when she realizes that she'll be doing it until she dies."

Aveline turned to carver. "Surely she plans to give up on such a foolish activity eventually?"

Carver shook his head. "'When the letters no longer burn' she told me once when I asked her. She thinks that's when Father will either have heard enough or be done with supporting her from the Makers side. That she has learned everything she needed to learn from him even though he wasn't with her. My sister may be older Aveline, but her heart will always be a child when it comes to our father."

Aveline scoffed. "That's ridiculous. He's dead, she needs to accept that. Remember him and move on."

Carver laughed. "Don't ever let her hear you say that," he warned, "or your jaw will hurt for a week. Trust me."

Hawke allowed each page to be consumed by the dancing flames, eyes following the ash and embers as they flew through the air. She knew her remaining family was watching, as well as their new companion, but she didn't care. Father needed to know what was going on in her head. Always keep the head clear, more advice she intended to follow. Her time in Kirkwall would be no different than her time in Lothering. Father would hear from his daughter. Every day, twice if need be.


	2. A Business Discussion / Tranquility

_Dearest Father,_

_When our new dwarven friend Varric has asked to speak with me privately, I never imagined he would be telling me to seek out a Grey Warden. When we met this Warden, and I learned he was a mage, Father I admit my heart soared! After a year of working for Athenril with Carver, the only mages I have seen in Kirkwall were the ones in the Gallows, and only the tranquil mages are free to roam the area. To be in the presence of another apostate, though Carver immediately hated it, it was as if I had finally found a friend. Someone to talk to, someone that would understand, someone to confide in and compare notes with...someone like you Father._

_When he asked for assistance to help his friend escape the Gallows, well you know me, I jumped at the opportunity! Sure it was dangerous, but it was also exciting! I wasn't working for coin or to pay off a debt. I was finally doing something I believed in! I didn't mean to drag Carver along, but unfortunately there are still few I can trust in this city. With Aveline in her guard position, I could hardly ask her. So Carver, Varric, and I snuck into the night for a secret meeting in the Chantry. Certainly a story to tell the children someday!_

_Or so I thought._

_Dearest Father, there is no way to explain the pit in my stomach when we saw Anders' friend had been made tranquil. To be so close to a fellow mage and see no life, no hopes or dreams, no anything in his eyes...it frightened me. I thought I grew a thick skin within this last year with the work I was forced to do, but there was no preparing for this. Or what followed next, when Anders saw his friend in that condition._

_It was a trap of course. Templars poured into the room and attacked us immediately. Not only was the mage made tranquil, he was used to get to Anders. And then Anders...he changed Father. Into something I had never seen before, and honestly, Maker help me, never wish to see again._

_My heart broke for the second time that night when Anders explained himself to me. He has taken a spirit into himself. His sadness is overwhelming when he tells his story, and my heart honestly believes he meant well when he did it. But I recall my lessons father; I know what he did was not right, and never should have been done. Anders claims it was a "good spirit" that he was helping, or trying to save, right now I don't really know. Am I selfish in admitting that once he began his story, all I could think about was the friend I had already lost before he was even a friend?_

_Carver is angry with me again. I continue to try Father, but with this recent event he is furious with me. Templars died. At my hands. When did death become so easy for me? I have written to you countless times already over my guilt in killing Wesley. But now I am attacked by the Coterie, forced to kill them when they ambush me. Killed those templars that ambushed us in the Chantry. The blood is beginning to flow Father, small pools of death that are forming at my feet. What a disappointment I must be to you now, as I am to Carver, and probably Mother as well._

* * *

"You don't like me Carver, do you," Anders stated as he, Carver, and Varric occupied a table at the Hanged Man.

"No, I don't like you," Carver confirmed, taking a sip of ale and shaking his head at the nasty taste it left in his mouth.

"That's unfortunate," Anders sighed. "Hating someone just because they're a mage is a shameful thing."

Carver scoffed at Anders and turned to the side to keep an eye on his sister, buried in her pages to Father as usual. "I don't hate you because you're a mage," he justified his feelings, "I hate you because you won't shut up about it." Another swig from his mug had emptied it and he slammed it down on the table, lowering his voice. "Oppression this, templars that, I've heard enough long before you."

Varric shook his head as he looked at the two of them. "You'd think with one of you a mage, and the other a son and brother of mages, you could find some common ground to stand on."

Anders put his hands up. "I have nothing to do with his hatred of me. His issues are clearly of his own making."

Carver turned back around to stare down the mage. "I have spent my entire life in hiding because of mages. Pushed aside while Father spent all of his time coddling her and Bethany. I thought coming to Kirkwall we could put some of that hiding behind us, make new lives for ourselves." He took a breath, and then continued his rant in hushed tones. "We spent an entire year not being bothered by templars or having to live in the shadows. Within a day of meeting you however, we have not only tried to help a mage escape the Gallows, but now have templar blood on our hands. So yes, I don't like you. I despise you, your plight, and everything you stand for."

Varric covered his face in his hands. For once he was thankful the Hanged Man wasn't a very popular place among important people. The last thing he wanted to do was involve Bianca, but if these two didn't shut up soon, he was prepared to take drastic measures.

Thankfully Anders stood up, clearly having heard enough from "little Hawke," as Varric loved to call him. "Perhaps that is why your sister huddles in a corner writing letters to her dead Father. Because it's clear you don't give a damn enough to support her."

Carver opened his mouth to say something, but no words of defense came from his lips. He watched as Anders walked out of the Hanged Man, catching a glance at his sister. She quickly buried her head back into her words, but he knew she had overheard everything by the tears in her eyes she refused to let fall.


	3. Long Way Home

"Varric, can I ask you a question?"

"Certainly Daisy," the dwarf replied as he marked up his new deck for the game later. "What's on your mind?"

Merrill picked at a piece of wood splintering off from the rest of the table. "Hawke. You've known her a lot longer than I have. What's she like?"

Varric looked up at Hawke, seated in her usual corner of the Hanged Man when she wrote her letters. "I haven't known her much longer than you Daisy," Varric responded. "She's made quite a name for herself in Kirkwall though over the last year. But from personal experience? She's kind, sometimes too much for her own good. She's oblivious to the way Blondie looks at her. Her family is just as annoying as mine, and she spends too much time buried in those letters."

Merrill sat back and studied Hawke. "I like her freckles," she commented. "Sometimes when she talks I get distracted trying to count them all."

Varric laughed at the young elf. "Is that why you stare at her so intently when she speaks?"

Merrill nodded. "I got up to thirty-seven this morning before she turned away from me. Now I'll have to start all over next time."

Varric continued to observe Hawke as she wrote. "Back to your original question, I also think Hawke may be a little lost; still trying to find her own way."

"You should give her a ball of twine," Merrill suggested. "The one you gave me always helps me when I'm lost."

Varric missed her comment, or surely he would've chuckled and shook his head at their newest companion. Instead his eyes were still watching Hawke, and he wondered to himself if her golden eyes would ever shine.

* * *

_Dearest Father,_

_"There are few things in this world stronger than a promise kept." I have wanted to write that to you ever since I heard it. I met the Dalish clan that Flemeth wanted us to give the amulet to. Their Keeper, Marethari, is the one who said that to me, and once again I was reminded of you. I don't know if it's because I miss you so, or I am finally meeting others almost as wise as you._

_Flemeth said that destiny awaits us both. She also said that I can not learn to fly until I fall. Both Marethari and Flemeth sound just like you when they offer advice or say things like this. I used to think you only spoke in riddles, but I am finally learning you were teaching me life lessons. Now if only I could figure out what it all meant._

_Having Merrill with us has been an interesting challenge. I admit the moment I saw her use blood magic, my heart sank. It seems I am the only normal mage in Kirkwall that's not in the Gallows! One has a spirit, the other plays with demons, Father what have I gotten myself into? I feel bad for the young elf; she's very alone in this city and really only has us to call friends. By "us" I refer to Varric and I; Anders and Carver keep their distance because of her blood magic. I don't blame them; I am uneasy about it as well. But I also know what it is like to be away from those you were close to, and I feel sorry for her._

_I wonder what words you would have to say about this? I am sure you wouldn't approve of me being so near dangerous magic. But she hasn't used it since she opened the barrier on top of Sundermount. I think our initial reactions may have something to do with that. I admit I was a bit harsh, and her and Anders got into a fight over the differences between demons and spirits. To me they are all the same; anything needing to use you as a host can not be a good thing. Even Flemeth somehow allowing herself to be summoned halfway across Thedas by an amulet seems strange to me. Oh Father; it seems there was so much more you needed to teach me._

_You warned me about the dangers of magic. You also cautioned me heavily in the use of blood magic and told me to never ever do it. I remember there was a story you had promised to tell me when I was older about the one time you were forced to use blood magic, but it seems that time never came. I guess I'll never know now will I? I doubt I can ask Mother about it; though she is obviously comfortable around the idea of magic, I don't think asking her about that story would be a good idea. She doesn't talk about you much anymore. I think it's still too painful for her.  
_

_I think I am starting to find my way a bit in Kirkwall. The last year helped me get to know a lot of people, even if they are only acquaintances, but it's given me the opportunities I need to gather coin for the expedition I was telling you about. Mother of course knows nothing about that...when she finds out, she is not going to be happy.  
_

* * *

"Sister, there you are," Carver interrupted her thoughts.

"Is there some place else I should be?" Hawke asked, placing her letter face down from his prying eyes.

Carver sat at the table opposite her. "Mother is complaining about how you are never home. It would do her some good if you spent time with her."

Hawke leaned back against the wall and scowled at him. "Uncle Gamlens place is not 'home' Carver. It's confining and smells awful and my ankles have rat bites on them." She summoned Norah for a drink, and looked towards the door as dark-skinned woman wearing hardly anything walked in. Hawke shook her head as every man in the place seemed to notice the woman, her brother included. "Carver, close your mouth; you'll swallow a fly!"

Carver turned his eyes away from the busty stranger and focused his attention back on his sister. "Alright, so it may not be home, but it's all we have right now. You're the one always telling me to make the best of it."

Hawke smiled softly, "I said that? Surely I meant any other situation other than _that_ place. If I had the coin I would stay here."

"And this is much better," Carver asked as they both looked at the floor covered in blood stains and old vomit.

Hawke laughed and embraced her surroundings. "No, I suppose it isn't." She stood, extending her hand for her brother to do the same. "But it does have familiar faces. Let's go see what Merrill and Varric are up to."


	4. A New Home? / Bait and Switch

_Dearest Father,_

_I hate being at Uncle Gamlen's. If I haven't said it enough, well there it is again. Anders says that we're better off there instead of in the refugee camps, but sometimes I wonder. I try to avoid it as much as possible; between the smell and Mothers sad eyes it's a bit much. I've started taking Talyn out with us as well; even the dog hates it there. A quick stop to check on some letters that came for me, shaken for coin by Gamlen Carver informed me, and we were off on a new job._

_Athenril pointed me in the direction of a dwarf named Anso that needed my assistance. At first I turned him down when I found out what the job was: retrieving stolen lyrium that was meant for the templars. Carver hates the attention we've been getting lately, so I tried to make him happy by refusing the dwarfs offer._

_Varric convinced me otherwise. Either he really felt the need to help his fellow dwarf, or he just wanted his share of the coin. I don't know which, but he was right; we need to fund the expedition. Carver protested as usual, so he stormed off back to Gamlen's. Since we were headed to the alienage anyway, I picked up Merrill and off we went._

_The whole thing was a trap, some elaborate hoax to lure out some slavers from Tevinter. They were after an elf with some unique abilities. And let me tell you Father, I don't think I have been this angry in a long time!_

_This elf, Fenris, sets us up to walk into this trap. Rips out a mans heart right in front of me, spouts off some lame apology, and then dares to ask for my help! He claims he would've asked for my help personally if he knew about me sooner. That is supposed to make it alright then, almost getting me and my friends killed?_

_But I agree to help him, because I'm a sucker for a sad story, and his is sad. I also agreed because it meant ridding Kirkwall of more slavers; can't go wrong there._

_Merrill didn't take the ambush very well. She seemed terrified that the slavers could enter the alienage like that in such force; living there and being an elf it was a bit overwhelming for her. So she went back home and I retreated back to Gamlen's to convince Carver to come out with us. He was fine with it once he realized we weren't dealing with templars._

_So we go to this decrepit mansion in Hightown, we kill about thirty shades that seemed to be protecting the place, but never find this Danarius that Fenris was seeking. We remain behind to collect anything of value we can discover in the various chests and then head out. When we round the corner from the mansion, Fenris is there waiting for us. To thank us? No, not at all. He's waiting to confront me on being a mage!_

_He has the nerve, the nerve!, to tell me he's going to watch me closely. And what, does he plan on killing me if I do something he doesn't like? Will he rip my heart out as well? Carver stood up for me though; he warned Fenris that if he had a problem with me, he'd have to take it up with Carver. I have to admit I was a little teary over that. Carver has never stuck up for me before. Maybe my efforts are paying off._

_My anger aside at being lied to and then accused of not being able to control myself and my magic, I accepted Fenris' offer to assist us in future jobs. I think it was because of something he said when we initially met him. "There comes a time when you must stop running, when you turn and face the tiger." I have thought about this statement for most of the day. I know he's looking to face his former master, and I commend him for it. But it also makes me wonder if it's time for me to follow in his bravery?_

_You know the tiger at my back Father. Do you think I'm ready to face it?_

* * *

"So this master of yours wants his markings back, skin and all?" Carver followed his sister up the steps of Hightown, Fenris by his side.

"That is what his hunters told me," Fenris replied, "unwillingly of course."

Carver was sure the hunters didn't live long after that confession. "So why not cover them up, your markings? Wouldn't that make you harder to find?"

"Let them come," Fenris challenged as if they were listening. "I am not one to hide. Unlike yourself."

"What do you mean," Carver asked defensively. "I am not hiding. What do I have to hide from?"

Fenris smirked, nodding towards Hawke. "You think I don't notice how you hide from the templars even though it is not you who is the mage?"

"Wanting to protect my sister is different," Carver explained. "It's not hiding so much as staying out their way."

They followed Hawke through the market and up the stairs, then around the corner to the Chantry. Varric suggested Hawke check out the Chanter's board to find some work. Behind her, Carver and Fenris continued their discussion.

"You've really never thought of hiding from those hunters," Carver pushed further.

Fenris sighed in frustration at his questions. "To what end?"

"So you could, I don't know, have a life?"

Fenris laughed, enough that Hawke turned, not believing the sound coming from the normally broody elf. "What life do you have," Fenris asked of Carver. "There are no hunters after you at all."

Carver seemed taken aback by his statement. "I have a life," he responded to Fenris.

"One that you complain about," Fenris reminded him. "We are not always free to do as we wish, as you should well know given who your sister is. Or what she is I should say."

Carver didn't hear the dig at his sister, still mulling over the accusation from earlier. "I _do_ have a life," he said again, as if saying it would make it true.

"Then I stand corrected," Fenris conceded as Hawke quietly smiled to herself. Fenris may despise her for who she is, but Hawke couldn't help herself but enjoy his verbal assault on her brother. He had a point though; Carver needed to get a life, and one that didn't revolve around her. She began to wonder exactly what her brothers future may hold.


	5. Duty / Talk to Anders

_Dearest Father,_

_Varric told me to check out the Chanters Board for work, and when we got there a man in white armor was pointing a bow at the Grand Cleric! Maker I thought I was going to witness a brutal murder! But the expert marksman missed her by an inch, securing a post on the board. Who wouldn't want to go see what all the fuss was about?_

_After my heart stopped racing and the Grand Cleric returned to the Chantry, I found out why the man was so upset. It seems he is no ordinary man, but a Prince! His entire family was murdered by some group called the Flint Company, and he was offering a reward for their deaths. Normally I try to steer clear of family disputes and revenge, but the wording of his letter seemed desperate. "Down to the youngest babe in arms." Who would harm an innocent baby just for their lineage?_

_Sebastian Vael. What a powerful name Father, don't you think? I went into the Chantry to find him, maybe get some more information about where to look for these Flint fellows, but he wasn't there. I did get to speak to Elthina, the Grand Cleric, about him. She says he was a brother to the Chantry, affirmed nearly a decade ago, but with the death of his family he's decided to deny his vows._

_I don't know if I agree with Elthina on some of the things she said. She claims it is a sin for this Sebastian to seek revenge on his family's murderers and go after his title in Starkhaven. How is that a sin? To me it sounds like whoever is trying to take over Starkhaven are evil monsters and this man is doing the right thing by trying to correct that. As the surviving heir to the thrown, is that not his responsibility now?_

_But she disagrees, only seeing the murder part of this whole thing. I guess I understand that, but it would take a strong man to allow these murderers their lives wouldn't it? Surely the Maker understands?_

_Varric used some of his connections (don't ask me who, I never asked and I don't want to know!) to find out where these Flint fellows would be. Once we knew where, I took Varric, Carver, and Anders out to find them. It initially seemed harder than it really was. Took no less than a day to remove these predators from Kirkwall and the surrounding area._

_I returned to the Chantry to inform Sebastian that his family had been avenged. Father, is it a sin to get so lost in a mans eyes in the home of the Maker? They were as blue as a clear sky and full of such turmoil and sadness; my heart broke inside at the inability to take his pain away. I hope this small deed brought him some closure at least. We were only able to speak for a few minutes before he dashed off to the Viscount to ask for aid for Starkhaven._

_I do hope our paths cross again._

* * *

"Hawke, can we talk for a moment?" Anders asked when they reached his clinic after seeing Sebastian in the Chantry.

"Of course Anders," she said, glancing at Varric and Carver to give them a moment alone. Carver huffed and stormed out of the clinic, and Varric shook his head as he followed. Hawke sat down on one of the crates. "What's on your mind?"

Anders picked up another crate and placed it in front of her, sitting to face her. "I'm afraid I got a bit weighty the last time we talked. I wanted to apologize."

Hawke smiled at him earnestly. "There's no need to apologize Anders. I'm glad you felt you could open up to me. It seems this thing with Justice takes a toll on you."

"I thought I was doing the right thing," Anders admitted to her. "Justice was inhabiting a corpse that was deteriorating rapidly. I don't know if he would've died, or simply returned to the Fade, but I felt I needed to help him. He is...was...a friend."

Hawke saw the sadness in his eyes. "My father used to say that we can't always predict the outcome of our actions; we can only make them with a true heart."

Anders smiled at her response. "Your father must have been an amazing man to have raised such a kind, beautiful mage such as yourself." He noticed Hawke look away, face flushed, and immediately regretted his words to her. "I'm sorry," he said to her quietly. "I shouldn't presume. It's just...we've hardly met, and I feel like I know you." He swallowed hard, the awkward tension in the room rising. "Am I making you uncomfortable?"

Hawke wasn't sure how to respond. "To be honest Anders, it's a little unexpected. I mean you're right, we've just met each other. But I admit it is nice to have another mage to talk to, maybe confide in."

Anders stood and walked away from her. "I must warn you Hawke, I am not a safe man to get involved with. Any relationship with me, even one so small as a friendship, and I may hurt you."

Hawke stood as well, moving closer to Anders as he kept his back towards her. "Why would you hurt me Anders? I don't understand."

He turned to look at her, the sadness returning to his eyes. "You saw what I did in the Chantry, what I am capable of. That's who I am now." He moved away from her again and sat down, seemingly lost in thought as he spoke. "A year ago, maybe we could've had something. But I'm not that man anymore. With Justice...I've changed, and not for the better."

"Anders..." Hawke tried.

"I'll break your heart," he said in a whisper while staring at the floor. "And that might kill me as surely as the templars."

Hawke didn't know what to say. A dozen responses nearly left her lips, until she decided it was best to leave him alone for now. "I will see you tomorrow," she said to him as she walked out of the clinic, quietly closing the door behind him where he remained in that same contemplative position.

Hawke leaned against the door and sighed. "He's sweet on you ya know," Varric said as she exited.

She turned to look at him. "He doesn't even know me Varric," she said, confused about what had just happened. "Isn't it a bit odd to worry about hurting someone before even a solid friendship has been forged?"

Varric laughed. "Maybe you haven't looked in a mirror lately Hawke. You're beautiful, smart, witty, and a mage. I don't think he needs to know much more than that. I'd be sweet on you too, if you were a dwarf."

"Oh Varric," she pouted, pulling away from the door and moving towards her brother. "Why did you have to break my heart like that?"


	6. Birthright / Family History

Hawke and Carver arrived home to find their uncle and mother in yet another one of their fights. Leandra was arguing with Gamlen over their living conditions, and Hawke sighed as she entered the room. "Will you two please stop. Mother," she addressed Leandra, "it's alright. I know you expected more, but we're okay. Poking at Gamlen for his mistakes every day isn't making the situation any easier."

Leandra ignored her daughter and demanded Gamlen show her the will from her parents. It was a fight that had been building for a year, and Hawke sighed again as the bickering continued. She tried to change the subject with questions on the Amell family. "Why don't you talk about the Amells Mother?"

"My parents didn't approve of your father," Leandra explained. "The Amells always had a rough time among the nobles, having magic in their line. When I chose to be with your father, I was bringing more magic into the family. I think that's what hurt my parents the most."

_Great,_ Hawke thought. _More of my mother reminding me what a disgrace I am to the family by being born with magic._ "Do you regret it Mother; leaving with Father?"

"I regret a lot of things," Leandra said looking sadly into the fire. "But will those regrets bring my parents back? Or your father? Or even Bethany, my darling baby girl..."

Hawke hated when she got like this. Perhaps it was their confined quarters, or their poor living conditions, or even the smell of Uncle Gamlen. She didn't know what it was that kept her mother in this state of depression.

Carver placed a hand on Hawke's shoulder, and they quietly went into the bedroom. "Mother gave me her old key to the estate. I say we search for the will. If we find it, maybe that will be the closure Mother needs from her old family."

Hawke took the key from her brother and felt the weight of it in her hand. "So we do this then. Break into our old family home. And then what?"

"I don't know," Carver said. "But we should try. For Mothers sake."

* * *

_Dearest Father,_

_We broke into the old Amell estate. The basement has about a dozen rooms, three floors, I can't even imagine what the upstairs looks like! Barrels and barrels of wine that are aging...those alone could give us a fortune if we sold it. It felt good to rid the place of slavers; they had no right to be there._

_We found the will and brought it to Mother. It was the first time I saw any determination on her face since we came to Kirkwall. The old estates owner died with no heir, so it's in the hands of the Viscount now. Mother's excited, even happier since she found out her parents didn't hate her. I don't know if I care for this new attitude in her. It seems she is more than willing to embrace the old life of an Amell and completely forget the name Hawke. When I asked her if we would've even come back here if it wasn't for the blight, she said no. If that's the case, then why is she so dead set now on getting her name back?_

_It feels like she's denying you. Denying her past. Denying her children. She told me Grandmother would've considered us mongrels, having you as a father. She also fell into her grief again just as quickly, blaming me for Bethany. Insisting there was something I should've done._

_I never really thought about it before, but as Mother went on about Bethany, her precious daughter, old jealousy surfaced within me. I'm ashamed to admit this to you Father, but I have a lot of resentment towards you still. The twins came into the world and I felt like I was pushed aside sometimes. Of course the three of us studied magic together, but Bethany always got the extra attention. I almost feel if it were her writing you these letters, you would've already responded. You and Mother always showed the twins attention; I was now the one looking out for templars when I should've just been your daughter._

_When we gave Mother the will, Carver attacked me when I supported her in reclaiming the home, stating I only cared about the estate because we are under templar scrutiny. How wrong he is Father! I could care less about the Amells or their estate. And Carver blames me for Bethany as well. He said I could've stopped the ogre. That we should've stood our ground and not run. He blames me for leaving Ferelden. He blames me for taking your attention. Like I blame you for giving it to him. It seems we all feel you gave the other more attention._

_Are we all wrong? Or just missing you more and more these days? Except for Mother. She seems content to forget about you. I will never embrace the Amell name Father. Never._

_We also found a letter in the old family vault. It led me to a mage named Tobrius. He told me that a templar helped you escape Kirkwall. You must have respected him well enough to name your first and only son after him. Faith in the templars, that's something you never shared with us Father. Be cautious, never let your guard down, they are not our friends. And now, years later I find this is not entirely true. And you are not here to question about it. How did you come to trust a templar? I would ask Mother, but she's busy staring at an old betrothal picture of herself. I guess she's wondering what might have been._

_So am I._


	7. Questions and Answers / Fools Rush In

_Dearest Father,_

_I spent the morning talking to Varric, trying to get to know him a little better. If I am going to be trapped underground with this man, it's only sensible that I poke around his history isn't it? He's the storyteller of the group, the Hanged Man, whatever guilds he's in, but his story seems pretty simple enough. Maybe that's why he makes up such grand stories about other people._

_We seem to have found a common ground though. He doesn't get along with his brother either. I had to laugh when Varric told me that he's the one that keeps his brother out of trouble...don't I know that role all too well! While his brother Bartrand is happy to run off in several different directions all at once, Varric has lived in Kirkwall his entire life. I'm envious of that. I mean I know you always tried to make every new place home, but I can admit to you now Father, it didn't work._

_Have I told you about the talkative man? He roams the Hanged Man, walking up and down the stairs, through the halls, muttering to himself. It seems Varric is the only one to engage him; the two speak in riddles it seems. But in getting to know Varric more, I'm starting to wonder if it's really some type of code. People around here don't mind being overheard by a crazy man, they think nothing of him. But if the crazy man is really sane and is picking up on all sorts of information, he's a genius!_

_On my way downstairs from Varric's room a drunk man told me that Meredith uses the hair of dead mages to keep herself warm in the winter. I hope I never meet this woman, she sounds dreadful!_

_Allow me to introduce to you the new hermit club! I dragged Anders, Merrill, and Fenris with me today. It seemed like a good idea at first, taking all the loners out for the day to get them out of their dark corners of Kirkwall. Then I remembered Fenris doesn't really trust mages, and now he's walking around Kirkwall with three of them! I will have to apologize to him later._

_I didn't bother to bring Carver. I needed a break from him. Still trying Father, but Maker he knows how to hurt me more than Mother does._

_Sidetracked, sorry. Anyway, remember that dark-skinned woman I told you about the other day? The one that all the men were drooling over? Well those of us in the hermit club were trying to enjoy lunch when she got into a fight with a bunch of men! The way she moved her blades, it was fascinating. I remember my dagger skills you taught me, but Father she was amazing! Even though she was more than capable of handling herself, for some reason I wanted to stand by her and show some numbers in case those guys thought of another attack. They ran for their lives like cowards!_

_Isabela is her name. She asked for my help; guess the group of three mages and the great-sworded warrior clued her in that we weren't the norm in Kirkwall. She claimed she wanted to duel someone, asked us to watch her back in case the man didn't play fairly. I agreed to help; we are still trying to get coin together and she was willing to pay._

_But her callous nature when she said her problem was solved if the man was dead bothered me. She didn't seem to care at all if she had to take someone's life. I wonder if it's something that can be taught, this ability to kill and not care. I still throw up every night before bed if someone has gone to the Makers side by my hand, even if they deserved it._

_When I found out we'd be going to the Chantry to look for this man Isabela wanted to duel, I can admit to you Father I silently prayed that Sebastian would be there so I could see him again. His smile is so...and his eyes are just...and that voice! Oh never mind that. I thanked the Maker he wasn't there though when the fighting began._

_I really tried to convince this Hayder person to walk away, end things peacefully, but he claimed his life was forfeit either way. More bloodshed in the Chantry. First Karl, and now Hayder. How is such a holy place been a magnet for violence? Shouldn't this be a place of peace? Reflection?_

_I am ashamed to admit this Father, but it seems I may have been wrong about this woman pirate. She told me a little bit of her story, about how she helped free over two hundred slaves, which was part of the reason so many people are after her. She told me her ship was destroyed in a storm and that's why she was in Kirkwall, and that she had lost most of her crew. Over ten years some of them served together; almost like a family._

_I wish I could say I had known someone for over ten years that wasn't the family I grew up with. I guess you and Mother didn't really have friends either did you, always on the run because of me and Bethany? I'm sorry Father. I am beginning to understand what a lonely place that really is. It's only a matter of time before something happens here and we'll have to run again. No time to form lasting friendships like that. Or even relationships. I suppose I was being foolish to think it might some day happen._

* * *

"Is she here?"

"No Hawke," Varric responded. "It seems she prefers to spend her nights down at the docks and stumbles in when the others are falling out."

"Thank the Maker," Hawke said settling into a seat between the two elves. "Was it just me, or did that really happen back there?"

Fenris chuckled into his drink, and Merrill looked confused. Varric nodded and answered her question, "I'm afraid so."

Carver scanned the faces at the table and his lower lip formed a pout. "What are we talking about? What happened back where?"

"Oh nothing Little Hawke," Varric said leaning back in his chair and clasping his hands together to his chest. "Just the latest addition in the Hawke adventure book of being propositioned by a dark skinned busty pirate from Rivain."

"What?" Merrill perked up. "Hawke's getting married? Who proposed? I didn't even know you were seeing anybody!"

Hawke blushed as she felt the weight of her brothers stare. "I'm not getting married Merrill, nor am I seeing anybody."

"You're not?" Anders asked for confirmation, a desperate look of hopefulness in his eyes.

"No," she replied quietly, looking anywhere but in his general direction. When she did look up, she noticed he wasn't the only one watching her. Fenris had a pensive look on his face, but found something very interesting in his drink when she looked his way. "She doesn't even know me," Hawke returned to the original question. "Why would she..."

"Hawke," Varric cut her off from embarrassing herself even further. "There are many types of people in this world. I have learned that there are certain folk who enjoy the comforts of home, and there are others that enjoy the comforts of people. I think Rivaini may prefer the latter since she isn't presently at home."

She shook her head, not wanting to think about the offer. "You seem to know a lot about a lot Varric, mind if I ask you another question?"

"I'm all ears Hawke," Varric said as he took another sip from his mug.

"Really?" Merrill perked up. "I thought you were all chest hair."

Their laughter filled the room, even the low growl of Fenris' tone could be heard in jovial form. Merrill didn't seem to understand why they were all laughing, as she looked around the table but said nothing further.

Hawke wiped a laugh tear from her eye and continued with her question. "I've been wondering..."

"Oh this should be good," Carver said, and she kicked him hard under the table.

Clearing her throat, she repeated "I've been wondering...the last two times we have been to the Chantry at night, it hasn't exactly gone as we had planned. Why is it that no one ever seems to be there except us and the bad guys? Where are the Sisters? Or the Grand Cleric?"

Varric raised an eyebrow and tugged at an earring. "Good question Hawke. It's almost like they know we're coming and they all run away so they don't disturb our epic adventures."

"Now _you_ sound like that rambling crazy man," Hawke said finishing her wine.

"He is a wise man Hawke," Varric pointed out. "Even he knows; the truth is out there."


	8. A Friend In The Guard / The Way It Should Be

Alone at night in Lowtown. Not the safest place to be, but Hawke needed some air. Carver was in his room sharpening his blade; the dull sound of steel dragging across the stone unnerved her. And then there was Leandra; in the room Hawke shared with her, staring at the recently acquired betrothal picture and crying softly. The two sounds combined nearly spun Hawke into utter depression, so she retreated to the stairs outside the hovel to write.

The shuffling of feet disturbed her and she looked down at her uncle. Another night of drink; Hawke wondered where the man got the coin since he was always claiming he was broke. "I thought the Rose was done serving you Uncle," Hawke couldn't help but mock the filthy man as he staggered.

Gamlen held on to the railing to steady himself. "The streets aren't safe at night girl, you shouldn't be out here alone."

Hawke shrugged. "I didn't know you cared Uncle."

He moved up the stairs one step at a time, his grip on the railing constant so he didn't fall. When he approached the top steps where Hawke was sitting, he stopped to stare at Hawke. It was an uncomfortable few minutes for her as his watery bloodshot eyes bore down on her, and Hawke shifted to the left to allow him to pass.

"Goodnight Uncle," she offered in the hopes that he would continue on.

Gamlen grunted something as he completed his climb, turning sideways to get passed her on the top step. His crotch was very near her face, and Hawke couldn't help but notice the large bulge in his pants. She turned away quickly but then she felt that bulge on her shoulder, pressing against her. Hawke held her breath, suddenly overwhelmed by the awkwardness of his presence and the fact that they were alone.

"Hawke?" The sound of Varric's voice seemed to come from the Maker himself as Hawke leapt up from where she was seated and flew down the stairs, nearly causing Gamlen to fall offbalance.

"Varric! Hey, ready to go?" Hawke asked, flushed from the pounding heart in her chest.

Varric looked up towards Gamlen who was stumbling into the front door of his hovel. "You okay Hawke?" the dwarf asked, his sincere tone a surprise from his normal stoic one.

She watched as her uncle disappeared into his home. "Yeah," Hawke told him as they began to walk to the Hanged Man. "Gamlen's just had too many as usual," she said brushing it off.

"Here if you need me Hawke," Varric said sternly, taking a moment to look back and make sure Gamlen wasn't around. "Bianca too."

* * *

_Dearest Father,_

_It seems like every time I go to visit Aveline, she already knows what I have been up to and comments on who I have been spending my time with. I would only ever tell you this Father, but it's annoying how she is always in my business. I already have a mother, albeit not the greatest in Thedas, but yet here's Aveline, telling me to watch out for Bartrand. She says she has been keeping an eye on me…funny, I don't remember her ever visiting Uncle Gamlen's to see how I was. Don't claim to be a friend and then only come to me when you need something!_

_So it shouldn't surprise you when I went to see her that she wanted something from me. Apparently there have been some ambushes along the coast and rumor to be another on the trade route up in Sundermount. We went to check it out (and honestly I had no clue that Kirkwall had guards in the area…I thought they only patrolled the city!). Sure enough Aveline's information was correct, there was an ambush waiting for us. More blood on my hands; bad guys sure but I am still not used to my magic being used to take a man's life._

_Aveline made it sound like we would be heroes when we got back and reported to her boss. Remember that time you caught me reading your grimoire? That's how loud Aveline's Captain got when she told him what we did. He was certainly the opposite of happy! She was redder than her hair when she came out of his office, and determined to find out what he was hiding._

_Captain Jeven is apparently a bad bad man. He was sending out coin and information to the Viscounts enemies through poor unsuspecting guards. One of them almost got seriously hurt when we found him and rescued him. I think his name was Daniel? Anders patched him up and he was fine. Aveline turned in the evidence we found and the Captain lost his job, and somehow Aveline ended up the new Captain! Maker she's a lucky bitch. Sorry, language, I know. You couldn't pay me enough to run the guard, or any other group in this crazy city._

_Now for the heart of this letter Father. Aveline and I had a long talk about her husband Wesley. I still can't think about him for too long; if I do all I see is his face, darkspawn corruption settling in, and his dagger in my hands pushing into him. I wonder when those nightmares will stop._

_Anyway, Aveline admitted that she blamed me for his death. Even though she understood it was necessary, she was angry with me. I guess that explains why she claimed she would be by our side for the last year and then disappeared after two months. She said it was too painful to see me every day, because I was a reminder of Wesley. I don't know how that feels so I can't judge her, but I understand it. If I can't forget that day how can she? Aveline says she is fine though; said, "pining like a child serves no one." She's tougher than I am I guess. Here I am still writing to you after all these years. I guess that makes me a child._

_We touched on another topic, something I never knew about her before. Aveline doesn't believe in the Maker. Well, she doesn't_ not _believe in him either…she seems confused, but not willing to discuss it further. I have to thank you, that you and Mother didn't force me to believe either way, and that you let me find my way to the Maker on my own. I still wonder about Him every day, but there has to be something bigger to look up to. Otherwise what's the point in living?_

_I want to see you and Bethany again. If I don't have that to hold on to, then I have nothing._

_Oh and Father? Gamlen creeps me out. If there's a way for you to speed up the process of us getting out of his home I would appreciate it._


	9. Welcome Home / Fenris Recruited

_Dearest Father,_

_I have declared it elf day! I decided to stop by and see my two new companions. I don't see calling them friends yet, I hardly know them. And at least one I doubt we'll ever be friends. I will explain._

_First I went to see Merrill. Varric scolded me for visiting her on my own since she isn't exactly living in the best part of town. But it's right around the corner from where I am staying. Is Varric implying I am not in the best part of town either? Ha, who am I kidding. Of course I live right near Merrill. The rejected and forgotten section of Kirkwall. Well, at least it's not Darktown._

_I feel bad for Merrill. She seems really lonely. She says she isn't, but I know the look of loneliness when I see it. It's in mothers eyes, Carvers, in the mirror each morning when I brush my hair. It's hard not to notice. Merrill claims she is used to it, that she didn't even have friends among her own clan. When I asked her why, she said because she was in line to be a Keeper and she was too busy spending her time studying magic and the history of the Dalish._

_I wonder what it's like, living with a bunch of different families in the woods; growing up with them, traveling with them. I would think you would have plenty of friends. To know these people your entire life? Not one of them you call a friend? I think there's more to her story that she isn't sharing. Maybe her clan isn't happy with her dabbling in blood magic. She still refuses to admit we heard something humming when we first met her, but we couldn't have all been crazy…could we?_

_As soon as I got up to leave, Merrill made me feel guilty for doing so. I think she thought I would stay all day with her, but I wanted to go see Fenris too. She even asked if she could come, but I wanted to talk to him alone. He doesn't like mages to begin with so I didn't want to ambush him in his own space with Merrill. At least he talks to me; he just kinda…growls at her._

_When I went to see Fenris, I don't think he was in the best of moods. First off, he was drinking, and the smell in the room almost reminded me of Gamlen. He didn't continue drinking long however; he threw the bottle of wine at the wall! I admit it, I was scared. He's very intense, and apparently very violent! The conversation didn't exactly go as I had planned Father. I went there seeking a foundation for a friendship. I'm not sure that's what I left with._

"Danarius used to have me pour it for his guests," Fenris explained of the particular brand of wine he had just decorated the walls with. "My appearance intimidated them he said, which he enjoyed."

"You were his servant as well as his body guard?" Hawke asked, trying to understand a little more about the life he lived.

Fenris narrowed his eyes at Hawke. "I was his _slave_ ," he stated angrily, "I propped up the furniture when he was so inclined."

"Wow, nothing like a bit of fear to go with your wine," Hawke said lightly, trying to brighten the mood a bit.

"That's what Danarius used to say," he responded, sitting down across from her. He kept his distance Hawke noticed, but she didn't say anything about it. He didn't trust mages, she knew this, and respected the boundary he placed on them.

"Were all of his guests frightened of you then?"

Fenris nodded. "None of his guests were like you though," he added. "They wouldn't dare speak to me, or seek me out as you have."

_I really stuck my foot in it huh Father. He just seemed so serious. So angry. I don't know how much he had to drink before I got there, or if this is always how he is. I guess I am still learning. There's so much pain in his eyes though. It makes me sad._

"You've had a difficult life," Hawke stated softly. It wasn't pity for him she was feeling, but more like understanding.

"I'd rather not speak more of it," he told her.

"Are you certain?" To have so much anger and sadness inside, Hawke didn't like anyone feeling like that. "I'd be willing to listen," she added.

Fenris nearly laughed. "To my whining? That's very charitable of you."

She assumed his comment meant he wasn't interested in her sympathy, so Hawke moved on. "Is getting back at your master all that matters to you?"

He seemed to relax a little, or maybe was just a little more resigned. "There are days that it feels that way. I have wanted to leave my past behind me, but it wont stay there." He looked at her curiously. "Tell me, have you never wanted to return to Ferelden?"

Hawke eyed him suspiciously. "How did you know I was from Ferelden?"

"A very hairy dwarf felt the need to tell me your life story, or what he knew of it," Fenris answered. "Well?"

Hawke turned away from him. "I have no home left to return to," she answered. It was the most honest answer she could give.

"And that's it, you leave it behind so easily?"

Hawke shrugged. "I lost my sister to the blight. There is nothing left but painful memories."

"And now she no longer matters to you?" Fenris asked sharply.

_How could he say such a thing Father? Bethany was everything to me. She was my sidekick, my support, everything. I have been so lost without her, without you, without my home. I know my life isn't nearly as hard as his has been, but how dare he! He knows nothing about me and now he tries to judge me? He only knows what Varric told him, and Maker knows what that was!_

Fenris saw the tension in her jaw and the tears stinging her eyes. "I apologize, your life is your own. It simply...sounds very familiar."

_I didn't forgive his comment so easily Father, but I suppose he does understand a little of what it feels like. He's on the run too. Three years he told me. I asked him where he was from and he didn't seem to know. I guess he was young when he left; he dodged any question I asked about his personal life. Maybe it's the trust thing again, I don't know._

_We talked a bit more about his former master Danarius. He thinks he may come to Kirkwall looking for him, that he's always come looking for him. Fenris insists Danarius won't give up, but claims he won't wait forever. "I will not live with a wolf at my back," he said. He had said something similar when I first met him; about facing the tiger. You were right Father, we all have ghosts from our past that we have to deal with eventually. I know mine is still out there._

"So for my next visit, will it be this intense? Or will you find something positive to say," Hawke teased Fenris before leaving.

"I can be positive," he insisted, though not convincingly.

Hawke smiled. "Prove it."

Fenris thought for a moment. "The wine was tasty?"

That got her to laugh, and in turn so did he. Hawke was hopeful; maybe there was a chance for the slave of a mage to trust another mage again.

Maybe.


	10. Chapter 10 - The Things We Run From

_"Sister," the voice came through the wind, soft but clear in the distance. She ran, through the haze of trees that blurred, a sky of twisting mists, and an ever changing terrain. Her bare feet did not feel the grass or dirt beneath them as she practically floated towards the familiar presence that had been missing from her life._

_"Bethany," Hawke whispered, afraid even saying her name would make the imagine disappear from clouded eyes. There she stood, in a beautiful white gown, her black hair cascading down over her shoulders. She wanted to embrace her sister, but again fear held her at bay; 'be wary in the Fade,' her father always said, 'many tricks to be played on a mage's mind.'_

_"Sister," Bethany called again, this time with a hint of disapproval. "What are you doing to yourself?"_

_Hawke instinctively looked down at her corporeal form, not understanding what her sister had meant. A small unsure smile curled on her lips. "What do you mean?"_

_A sigh was carried through the ether, echoing off the unseen barriers. "You still haven't let go."_

_Hawke turned away now, wishing to not tarnish this moment with sadness. "Don't start Bethany. Not now." Do tears fall in the Fade she wondered, pushing them back with all the strength she could muster. "Please."_

_The familiar touch of her sisters hand fell on her shoulder, turning her back around. "Look at me sister," Bethany commanded, and she did. Normally it was Hawke that was the stronger one, watching over the twins. But here, in this place between the living and the dead, Hawke was nothing more than the shattered soul she felt like inside. "You must find a way to move on," Bethany told her._

_"Isn't that what I have been doing," Hawke asked, pulling away. "I left Father. I left you." The tears did fall it seemed. "All I do is move on."_

_Bethany gave her that look, the one commonly used by Mother when they were younger. "You know what I mean sister. We are in the Fade...what better place to fight your demons?"_

_A low growl hissed in the distance and Hawke spun around, reaching for her staff that was not with her. "You brought Him here?"_

_"A reminder Sister," Bethany said, her voice giving way to time and space. "Until you confront that wolf or tiger, as your companion says, you will never be free."_

_Hawke glanced over her shoulder and saw her sister start to disappear. "Bethany please, don't leave me with Him..."_

_"Face it soon dear Sister," the voice echoed as the body dissipated, "face that fear before it is too late."_

* * *

"Hawke?" The voice startled her, causing her to jump as a calm hand clasped her shoulder. "Forgive me, I did not mean to frighten you."

She looked up from her seat in the pew at the Chantry and saw Sebastian. "Prince Vael," Hawke coughed her surprise, quickly wiping the dampness from her eyes. "It is I who needs forgiveness. I didn't hear you approach; I'm sorry."

"Nonsense," he said as he slid into the pew next to her. "And please, call me Sebastian. I am hardly a Prince at the moment."

Hawke nodded, an embarrassed flush upon her cheeks. She moved over to allow him to sit more comfortably. In truth she had been to the Chantry several times in the last few days hoping to see him again, but this visit wasn't about him. _The Maker has a sense of humor,_ Bethany used to say. Truer words were never spoken. "Are there services soon?" Hawke asked. "I can leave if I am in the way."

"Not at all," Sebastian informed her. "I apologize for disturbing you, but it appeared as though you could use a friend."

The sincerity in his voice seemed to ease the initial awkward tension as Hawke relaxed by his side. "An offer of friendship to someone you hardly know? That's very kind of you Prin...Sebastian."

His smile relaxed any further discomfort she may have felt. "You'll find I happen to be a great friend," he said in near jest. "Just don't tell everyone, or it'll be madness."

A soft laugh escaped her lips and she immediately brought her hands to her mouth to stifle the sound. A few of the Sisters turned towards their direction, and Hawke gave him a sheepish grin.

"It is good to know I can make you smile," Sebastian said to her. "A moment ago it seemed you never would."

His words melted her heart, but she forced herself to remember where she was and who he was. "Just a dream I had," Hawke brushed it off as nothing. "First time I dreamt about my sister since she died."

Sebastian placed his hand on her knee. "I am sorry," he offered his condolences. "Death is never easy, especially when it comes to family."

Hawke felt like an idiot, suddenly remembering the reason they had met in the first place. "Oh Sebastian I'm sorry, I forgot...I shouldn't have brought it up."

But his warm smile again soothed her as he squeezed her leg gently, his hand still resting there. "We all must deal with our grief as the Maker sees fit. Perhaps He brought us together for a reason."

"That's a nice way of looking at it," Hawke replied, resting her hand casually on his. "Remind me to thank Him later," she said with a soft but flirtatious smile.

She wasn't sure if it was her weak attempt at flattery or her hand on his, but Sebastian immediately pulled away, now stumbling over his words. "I uh...I should leave you then," he said as he stood in haste, "allow you to return to your reflection."

Hawke felt a knot in her stomach when he retreated from her, knowing she overstepped some unseen boundary. "Thank you," was all she could manage as she lowered her head before he could see the sadness and disappointment in her eyes.

What she didn't notice behind her was the amount of time Sebastian spent staring in her direction, the several times he stopped himself from returning to her side, or the way he kept looking at his hand that she had touched, wishing to have her hold it again.


	11. Blackpowder Promise

"Carver, may I ask you something?"

The younger sibling sighed. "If you must Aveline, go ahead."

Aveline slowed her pace as they exited the Wounded Coast, putting some distance between them and Hawke and Varric. "Your sister; I've never seen her fight like that. Normally she sits back and lets us handle the dirty work, protecting us. But today..."

"Today she seems like a ruthless killer?" Aveline nodded, and Carver stopped walking completely. He watched as his sister stopped to cut some herbs. "You can never tell her I told you," Carver warned Aveline. "It'll mean both our heads if she finds out, but I am worried about this and it's the only reason I'd tell you."

Aveline moved in closer. "You know you can trust me better than that dwarf."

Carver ran his hand through his hair, clearly uncomfortable. "Back in Lothering, my sister had fallen for someone; the boy of a farmer. For months they were inseparable." He stole a glance at Hawke to make sure she didn't hear him. "Then one day one of _them_ showed up and killed the boy, his family, and several other farmers and their children."

Aveline shook her head. "I remember Wesley told me about him; the one the Revered Mother left in the cage outside the town."

Carver nodded. "My sister was a mess after that, nearly inconsolable. I think they were secretly engaged, though she never admitted it. A lot has happened since, but I don't think she's ever spent the time to really get over his death."

Aveline began walking again. "She has a habit of that doesn't she," she commented.

He didn't appreciate the statement. "No, maybe she can't get over it as quickly as you got over your husband."

Aveline scowled at him. "How close I hold my memories is my own business."

"Then giver her the same courtesy," Carver said as he stormed off.

* * *

_Dearest Father,_

_Revenge doesn't taste quite as good as I had hoped. We met a dwarf named Javaris that asked for our assistance in clearing out some renegade Qunari along the Wounded Coast. Oh how I jumped at the chance to slash to gray skinned bastards, I didn't even care why! Something to do with some explosive they use I think...really I didn't care in the least. Carver insisted on coming along; I guess he thought he was going to do the dirty work for me._

_Not this time little brother._

_Father, I enjoyed it. I am frightened at how much I enjoyed it. But every one that we came across reminded me of what was taken from me, for reasons I still don't understand. Carver tried to tell me that it was wrong to have so much hate for them when it was the actions of only one that killed Jeremy. But that's not true._

_After talking to their Arishok it was clear; they all have their "role," some "purpose," as if none of them can think for themselves. Any one of them could've come across Lothering and would've done the exact same thing for whatever reason. I don't see any logic to their reasoning behind what they do. As Varric says, the more they talk the less I understand. I will never understand the need to wipe out entire families with your bare hands. Those people did nothing to the Qunari!_

_Their Arishok threatened the city, though not in so many words. Said we are all living in chaos and filth. _He can shove his discipline and order; they all better stay out of my way._ I would've attacked him right there if he wasn't so intimidating! I don't like them being in the city. It's probably best I stay away from the docks as much as possible. _

_When we left the compound, a Chantry Sister wandered up to me and said, "Maker turn his gaze on you child." The timing was a bit creepy, and I immediately wanted to find Sebastian to discuss it with him. I'm certain he'd see it as some Divine reminder that my hate for the Qunari is wrong. But then I remembered my last encounter with Sebastian. Oh Father I know I shouldn't admit these things to you, but for the first time since Jeremy my stomach fills with butterflies at the thought of the Prince. Unfortunately_ _I think he's avoiding me._

_As a side note, remind me to tell you later about the elf I met claiming that werewolves were real._


	12. Enemies Among Us

_Dearest Father,_

_You will not believe the trouble I almost got myself into today! Actually, you probably would believe it. It all started because I went to the Chantry to see if I could find Sebastian. I've been feeling a bit uncomfortable about the way we left things last time I saw him, but haven't been able to catch him there since. I may need to stop going there every day; I think some of the sisters are becoming suspicious._

_When I left the Chantry, I ran into a woman named Macha. She was begging a templar for help in finding her brother, but the man kept blowing her off. When I offered to help, she seemed so overjoyed I thought she might hug me!_

_Macha's brother Keran is a templar recruit. She is worried because he stopped writing to her several days ago, and the templars have done nothing to help her. Even Meredith threw her out of her office! Macha says that Meredith sees demons everywhere, and that she is terribly fierce and utterly without pity. This frightens me; especially when I heard she also goes after anyone found harboring mages._

_Not that I would feel bad if something happened to Gamlen, but I would never forgive myself if Mother got caught up in this._

_I asked Fenris to come along with me to the Gallows to speak with the other templar recruits, and he suggested I go home and change my clothes first. I hadn't thought about it, but walking to the Gallows in my robes would not have been a good idea! Thank you Fenris! Picked up Varric and dragged Carver along, and we went to the Gallows to find out what we could about Keran._

_Turns out at least half dozen recruits have gone missing. Though they were sworn to secrecy, some of the remaining recruits confided in me out of fear. They said Meredith puts them through some initiation and if you aren't strong enough to survive you end up dead! Of course Carver and Fenris both thought that was a good idea, but Father! If she'll do this to her own templars, what's to stop her from doing whatever she wants with mages! Macha said a friend of hers knew a mage that was made tranquil for no reason! What kind of city has Mother brought me to?_

_The recruits gave me directions to finding another one of theirs that had disappeared but returned. His name was Wilmod, and we ran into him as well as the one and only knight-captain of Kirkwall. How do I always find myself stepping right into the line of fire?_

* * *

"Are you sure this is a good idea Hawke?" Varric asked apprehensively as they rounded the cliff's edge. They weren't a far distance from Kirkwall, but the idea of being out alone looking for templars seemed absurd to the entire group.

Including Hawke. "Not in the least Varric," she said laughing nervously. "But I made a promise to help Macha find out what happened to her brother." Hawke glanced at her own brother as he walked beside her. "If Carver were missing, I'd want someone to help me find answers," she admitted softly.

"But would you have them walk directly into the enemies arms?" Carver continued to disagree with the plan even as they heard raised voices over the hill. "Ditch your staff," he warned. "At least try not to use your magic."

Hawke shook her head and sighed as Varric handed her one of his hidden daggers. "Rogue for a day?"

She didn't accept the weapon; instead she turned her staff upside down so the bladed end was now visible behind her back. "Pointy spear," she said with a grin.

Fenris smirked at her ingenuity but remained silent as they approached the two men in plate mail in a heated argument.

"Andraste be my witness Wilmod, I will have the truth from you now!" The older of the two, the knight-captain Hawke assumed, was holding the boy by his arms while threatening him. The recruit begged for mercy, but the knight-captain responded with a knee to the boys stomach, causing him to fall onto the ground. The older templar drew his sword and pointed it at the recruit's throat. "I will know where you were going, and I will know now!"

At that moment she didn't care that he was a templar. "Don't you lay another hand on that boy," Hawke said interrupting the fight.

"Sister," Carver warned in a whisper behind her, "that's the blasted knight-captain. Don't!"

Golden eyes fixated on her as the man replied. "This is templar business stranger."

Hawke opened her mouth to respond, ignoring Carvers plea and Varrics held breath, but she found herself unable to do so as the recruit suddenly stood and released a wicked laugh. Seconds later he turned before their eyes into an demon, raising other demons from beneath the ground. "Maker preserve us," the knight-captain whispered as he fastened his shield and stood ready in defense.

A wave of energy swept through the air, and Hawke immediately felt the mana drain from her body. The templar hadn't realized he just crippled her; he was focused on a rage demon in front of him. Whatever he cast was meant for the demons, but Fenris had to steady Hawke when she nearly fell from the momentary weakness.

"Thank you," she whispered to the elf as she began assisting in the fight, using her staff as she had planned from the beginning. Held in both hands and used as a polearm, Hawke began attacking from behind any demon that was otherwise engaged in combat with Fenris or Carver. Varric assisted the group from cliffs, Bianca easily finding her mark in the enclosed wooded area. A warning call from Varric caused Hawke to thrust her staff spearhead first under her arm and stabbed whatever was nearly upon her. The heavy thud confirmed that her target was dead, and she resumed pummeling the abomination in front of her.

With five seasoned fighters the demons and templar recruit had little chance of victory. As the last of the demons fell, Hawke watched the knight-captain kneel besides the corpse of the creature his recruit had become. "I knew he was involved in something sinister," the man whispered, voice hinting of despair. "But this...is it even possible?"

Hawke stood over the two, careful not to get too close to the templar. Her father had always warned her that they could sense a mage sometimes without testing them, so she kept her distance. "Do you think he was possessed?" Hawke asked softly.

The man glanced up at her. "Normally we only worry that mages will fall victim to possession," he said shaking his head in disbelief. "I have heard of blood mages that could summon demons into unwilling hosts, though I did not consider one of our own to be susceptible."

"I'm glad I was here then," Hawke spoke truthfully. "You shouldn't have been out here alone with him."

He stood now, focusing on the woman before him. A long pause passed between them before he spoke again. "Have we met before? You seem...vaguely familiar to me."

Carver shifted uncomfortably behind her. She heard the thump of Varric kicking her brother, and tried not to laugh as she replied, "I don't believe so. My name is Hawke."

"I am Knight-Captain Cullen," the templar returned, eyes still narrowed as if trying to place where he thought he knew her from. "I thank you for your assistance. As for being alone with Wilmod..." he trailed off, running a hand through his hair and wondering why he was about to explain his actions to a woman he just met. _She did just save your ass_ , he reasoned with himself. "Several recruits have recently gone missing. Wilmod was the first to return. I wanted to question him privately to find out where he and the others had gone."

Hawke laughed. "So you thought you'd take him outside the city and beat it out of him?"

" _Sister_ ," Carver warned harshly behind her.

"Of course not," Cullen replied. "I thought if I scared him enough without doing any harm that he'd confess."

Hawke crossed her arms over her chest. "There are rumors your knight-commander holds secret initiations for the recruits, and if they aren't strong enough they die."

"What?" Cullen's expression showed clear shock. "That's preposterous. Hawke was it?" She nodded. "Serrah, if you listen to everything the recruits tell you, Meredith could fly and be able to make the statues in the Gallows come alive." Hawke couldn't help the large smile on her face. "Honestly, the gravest danger these recruits face is falling asleep."

"Do you have any idea where Wilmod went to while he was gone?" Hawke asked, relaxing a bit in the conversation.

Cullen looked down at what was left of Wilmod. "He was never fully convinced of the Orders rules. Mages cannot be our friends," he said with a hint of sadness. "They must always be watched. Wilmod had a lot of friends in the Circle, I thought maybe he escaped to visit them."

Hawke felt her stomach tighten. "I also have friends that are mages," she tested, "do they too need to be watched?" She knew her brother was furious behind her, but she kept her expression neutral. She had to know what this templar really thought.

Cullen turned his back on the group and looked out over the cliff. "During the blight I was at the Circle tower in Ferelden. I saw firsthand how a templar's trust and leniency can be rewarded." Hawke strained to hear his next statement, and assumed he hadn't meant to say it out loud. "I still have nightmares of Uldred's...depravities."

Word had come to them about what Cullen spoke of. Blood mages taking over the tower, possessing and killing innocent mages and templars. Hawke tried not to dwell on it too much, knowing full well she came very close to being in that Circle herself several times. She decided to change the topic and get back to the task at hand. "I was hired to investigate the disappearance of Keran. Would you know where he is?"

"Unfortunately no," Cullen told her, turning to face her again. "Both he and Wilmod were last seen together at the Blooming Rose, but I had no luck interrogating the...uh...young ladies there," he said as his cheeks turned a slight shade of pink.

Hawke grinned at his embarrassment. "Would you like me to try? Perhaps they'd feel more comfortable talking to a woman," she offered.

He seemed relieved as he accepted the offer. "The Order would truly be in your debt if you could help us with this." Cullen took one last look at the remains of his former recruit. "If you learn anything, please come find me in the Gallows. I will ensure that you are rewarded."

They watched as Cullen walked down the path and away from them, and once he was no longer within sight Carver released the breath he seemed to be holding the entire time. "Maker, you sure know how to terrify me."

Varric slapped the younger Hawke on the back. "Relax Junior, you should have some faith in your sister."

"Agreed," Fenris stated to the surprise of everyone.

* * *

_Are you as shocked as I am to learn Father that our dear Uncle Gamlen was at the brothel? He told me not to mention it to Mother, though I'm certain she already knows. It's difficult to miss the stench he brings with him when he returns. Knowing he spends his nights here staring at all the workers gives me the creeps. I sincerely doubt he can afford them, so what, he just watches them? I wonder if Fenris would mind me moving into his filthy mansion; I'd rather live with a mage hater than a pervert!_

_The hostess at the Rose revealed that they do indeed have a lot of business from the templars. Of course that got me wondering how often Cullen had visited, and if he paid for any of their services._

_We visited the woman that the recruits had been with the last time they were seen. In hindsight it was probably a bad idea to bring three men with me; even Varric seemed enthralled by her, and watching a dwarf try to flirt is not pretty let me tell you!_

_It didn't take long to realize why however. She began asking me questions and I was answering them against my will! That necklace you created for me to protect me from blood magic saved my life Father...I had my own knife to my throat and nearly slit it before I was able to resist her. It shocked her just as much, and she was ready to do whatever I wanted to spare her life. She told me it was a combination of blood and desire magics she was using on us; I can only assume she means the assistance of a desire demon._

_She admitted she enchanted the recruits and sent them to some place called Sanctuary in Darktown. I sent Fenris to fetch the templars while we watched the blood mage, and they took her to the Gallows. I don't know if that was the right move Father; deep down I really wanted to kill her for what she had done to me. Given my history...well, you know. Whether she lives in the hands of the templars or not is out of my hands. I did all I could._

_Carver was concerned we wouldn't be able to handle the other blood mages in Sanctuary, but I didn't want to waste any more time gathering the others. We headed straight for Darktown and confronted Tarohne. Her master plan behind the kidnappings was to turn the recruits into abominations and send them back to the Order, thus causing chaos within their ranks. The others that were missing didn't survive her experiments, but we found Keran who was imprisoned in some kind of stasis._

_Once Tarohne was dead, her hold on Keran ended and he was released. He spoke of nightmares; of demons laughing and poking at him, his body on fire for days on end. Constant screaming; either his or someone else. His story caused Carver to "understand why people were terrified of mages." He said Andraste was right to warn against magic, and that he sees the templars side now._

_Maybe he doesn't realize that I see their side as well. Not all mages can be trusted, that much is clear no matter where we go. But am I to be held responsible for the actions of others my entire life?_

_Varric mentioned Keran may already be possessed. Fenris agreed. Keran pleaded his case, but that wasn't really my call. The templars needed to know there may be a chance. Everyone else agreed._

* * *

When Hawke arrived at the Gallows, Keran was already there with his sister beside Knight-Captain Cullen. "Blood mages have infiltrated your ranks," Hawke warned Cullen. "They've been implanting your recruits with demons."

Cullen closed his eyes upon hearing the news. "Sweet blood of Andraste."

Keran filled the knight-captain in on all that had happened at the hands of Tarohne. Macha stepped away from him in fear that he too could be possessed, and Hawke tried to calm her and the knight-captain down with her opinion that Keran did nothing wrong and should be free from any possession.

"Perhaps it is best to keep our enemies close," Cullen stated quietly, studying Keran. "Keran, you will remain here with us in the Gallows. If you show no sign of demonic possession within ten years time, you will become eligible for full knighthood."

Keran nodded, accepting his fate and acknowledging the opportunity Cullen had just given him. "Those mages were horrifying," he then mentioned. "They see us all as ants to be crushed. They won't stop until they destroy the Chantry and the templars forever."

Hawke felt the anger begin to rise within her. "Not all mages are like that," Hawke stated. "And mages have been systematically abused by the templars for a thousand years."

Cullen moved closer to her. "How can you say that after what you've seen?"

"Yes," Carver muttered behind her. "How can you say that to the templar right in front of you?" And then in a soft whisper, he begged. "Sister, please."

Cullen didn't hear Carver, and continued speaking his mind. "At any time any mage can become a monster, from the lowest apprentice to the most seasoned enchanters. Mages can not be treated like people. They are not like you and me." Hawke resisted the urge to blast him across the courtyard. "They are weapons. They have the power to light an entire city on fire in a fit of pique."

A hand rested gently on her shoulder, and she realized it was her brother trying to stifle her anger and emotions. She reached for his hand and squeezed it. "Mages are humans and elves, not weapons. And there's fault on both sides," she finally said calmly to Cullen. " _We_ ," she emphasized to clue him in on who he was speaking with, "must find a way to live in peace."

Cullen took a step back as he reached out with his templar ability to sense her magic, and confirmed for himself what she really was. He paused for a moment, ignoring his first response to haul her into Merediths office for being an apostate. _The woman who stands before you saved your life today,_ he heard his subconscious remind him. "Perhaps you're right," he conceded. "Perhaps mages need better education as to why the Chantry functions as it does. Maybe then they would not go against the will of Andraste herself."

Hawke released her brothers hand and extended it towards Cullen. "I would very much like to hear what you would say when teaching the mages," she offered honestly.

He clasped her hand. "I will look into it and get back to you," Cullen said to her as he bowed to her and her companions before withdrawing his hand. "Keran, we must report to the knight-commander."

"Yes Sir," Keran replied as the two walked towards templar hall.

Hawke turned to Carver who's expression seemed to resemble sympathy as well as anger. Thankfully Varric spoke before either one of the siblings could. "Never a dull day with you around Hawke," he stated. "Drinks are on me, for narrowly escaping a new home here."

Hawke nodded in agreement and moved with the men towards the boat landing. She took a moment to glance at Fenris who had remained quiet during the confrontation. His eyes met hers and nearly tore through her, as if trying to see her entire future of intentions. "Do you see me as only a weapon as well?" she asked him.

He continued to look at her, not even blinking, for several minutes until he finally replied. "I suppose every one of us could be considered such from a certain perspective."

Hawke curled her lips upwards in a small smile. Changing prejudice was not on her agenda for the day, but she was happy with herself that at least two people in Kirkwall may now look at her and other mages a bit differently.


	13. The First Sacrifice

_Dearest Father,_

_If we weren't so desperate for coin, I doubt I would've ever accepted this job. At first when I read the poster seeking aid to find a missing person, I jumped at the chance. After meeting Ghyslain de Carrac however, my mind quickly changed. What a horrible man he is! His wife Ninette had gone missing, and his only real concern was that it was proven he had nothing to do with it. He didn't care where she was; called her a whore and claimed their marriage was failing for over a decade. I nearly walked away from him right then, after spitting in his disgusting face!_

_But there was a moment Father when his face softened and he appeared very sad. He says their marriage wasn't always in such shambles. They were in love once, Ninette even defied her parents to marry him. Sound familiar Father? I had to take it as a sign, you and Mother having such a similar start in your marriage. So I agreed to help him._

_Ghyslain sent me to one of Ninette's lovers, an elf currently working in the Blooming Rose. Jethann was very forthcoming about his relationship with Ninette, and how unhappy she had been with Ghyslain. Jethann led us to a templar that was asking questions about Ninette as well. Oh Father, how do I keep getting wrapped up in things that involve the templars?_

_Carver wasn't very happy that we went to find Emeric in Darktown. He was downright angry when we found Emeric under attack and I was forced to use my magic to help defend him. The nice templar said nothing about it; I think he was just happy we showed up when we did. We learned that two more women had gone missing, one of them a mage, and that's why Emeric was looking into it. The missing mage had received white lilies from some unknown suitor; Ghyslain said Jethann had sent her the same flowers. We went back to ask Jethann but he denied ever sending Ninette gifts, only letters._

_Emeric gave us a lead to a foundry in Lowtown; he said that's where the phylactery of the missing mage had led him to, but he wasn't able to find anything there. I didn't see the harm in checking it again; Emeric was a bit old, maybe he missed something?_

_Creepy side note Father: on the way to the foundry we ran into a man who started following us around asking if we had any "dwarf dust." Anders explained that he was probably a former templar going through lyrium withdrawal. I read a story about that once...it was called Lyrium Prison and it was about a woman who joined the templars after her mother was killed by mages. That story kept me from drinking lyrium potions for a month!_

_When we got to the foundry we saw someone, but he disappeared before we could get to him. We made it to where he was standing and found some bones and what appeared to be Ninette's wedding ring on a severed hand. I was so hopeful she had just run away with someone that made her happy. Now I have to tell Ghyslain that his wife will never return to him._

_Sadly I don't think he'll care._

* * *

"Why do you insist on pushing your luck?" Carver asked as they got off the boat in the Gallows.

"Emeric will want to know what we found," Hawke stated. "There are still two other missing women Carver; it's important that we share all of the information we have with each other."

Carver sighed as he looked around at all of the recruits in the Gallows. "I still think you have a death wish sister. Especially because I know you're about to walk right up to Cullen..."

Hawke smiled at him as she did so, daring to walk up to Cullen this time in her robes. He smiled when he saw her; Varric thought it actually looked genuine. "Hawke, a pleasure to see you again," Cullen greeted her.

"You as well," Hawke replied.

"I'm glad you're here in fact; saved me the trouble of inquiring where I might find you." Hawke ignored Carvers groan behind her. "I have told the knight-commander of your service."

"Oh great, more attention," Carver whispered to Varric.

Cullen thankfully didn't hear him and continued speaking with Hawke. "She commends your quick thinking and has agreed to keep the lad Keran around for observation."

"I've heard so much about the knight-commander," Hawke informed him. "As you know most of it was scary stories from your recruits. Care to shed some light on what she's really like?"

"She is not an easy task master, but it is not an easy task. I would not have liked her when I was younger," he confessed. "I thought mages deserved a softer touch. But Meredith is never fooled by a sweet face...she always sees the demon behind it."

Hawke couldn't help but smile. "I wish I had known you when you were younger then," she boldly admitted.

"My opinions have changed for good reason," Cullen whispered softly. "I mentioned last time we met how I was in the circle tower in Ferelden when Uldred summoned his demons. I was held in a cage for...I can't even say. Weeks? Months? It was one unending nightmare." The sadness in his eyes shown through his templar bravado, and Hawke felt her heart ache for this man. "I watched what those mages did," he continued, "what they became. I would gladly give my life to avoid seeing that again."

"It must have been terrible for you," Hawke acknowledge. "I'm sorry." She gave him a moment to compose himself before continuing. "Yet you remained a templar...are you not concerned something similar may happen again?"

Cullen shrugged. "Every day new mages are born in Thedas. Every day, those born a dozen years ago come into their power. It's our duty to contain the threat as best as we can. Knowing what I know...seeing what I have seen...I feel gives me an advantage over the others. I still have a soft heart, but my memories remind me that no mage can be trusted."

"The templars do provide a necessary service," Hawke told him, a statement that surprised her companions behind her.

Cullen too was a bit shocked at what she had said. "A viewpoint I did not expect from..."

Hawke laughed. "Oh go on, you can say it. We all know what I am."

"Still, I'd rather not," Cullen replied. "Your support thus far in your assistance with Keran has given you some...leeway with the knight-commander. I'd rather not press your luck though."

"She doesn't see a problem doing so, why should you?" Carver mentioned.

Hawke shook her head. "You'll have to forgive my brother. He gets a bit nervous when I talk to templars."

"It is a bit risky," Cullen agreed. "Perhaps we should speak another time. I have a round of new recruits coming in that I must prepare for, and I'm sure you didn't come here to talk to me."

Hawke didn't know how to respond to his last statement, so she ignored it. "Actually I came here looking to speak with Emeric. Do you know where I might find him?"

Cullen nodded. "You'll find Emeric towards the stairs to the Hall. I must admit I am curious why you are seeking him out though."

"He asked me to look into something for him," Hawke informed Cullen. "Unfortunately I do not bring him pleasant news."

"Assisting another templar?" Cullen's eyes widened. "I'm not certain what to make of you Hawke."

She smiled brightly at the knight-captain, teasing him with a wink. "Good luck with your recruits Cullen. I do hope to see you again."


	14. Shepherding Wolves

_Dearest Father,_

_When we ran into the sister in Lowtown I had no idea she would want me to aid in helping a Qunari escape; a Qunari mage at that. It seems the more assistance I try to offer this city, the more I get dragged into things that make me face ghosts from the past. I had no plans on assisting the woman when she said it involved the Qunari, but when I saw him...Father I nearly fell to the floor. Their mages are bound; collared with their mouths sewn shut! I have seen and felt first hand how brutal they can be, but I had never been witness to this!_

_The sister, Petrice, explained to me that some of the Qunari have deserted and are hunted by their own. I saw this with the Tal Vashoth, but they didn't seem any better than those they deserted from. In any form that race is harsh, cruel and uncaring, and I can't possibly believe there is good in any of them._

_Petrice believed though that helping this mage escape could help others see the Qunari for what they are. If he were free, he could live as an example of what they would do to their own. Preach to someone else Sister, I know what they are like. But I agreed with her; no one will realize the true danger they pose until someone they love has been killed by their hand. When she asked me if I would ever want to be restricted like he was, my skin crawled at the thought._

_So I agreed to help. We escorted the Qunari mage through the underground to get him out of the city. Some thugs tried to stop us, but our mage friend helped us get through them. Frustrating not to know what he was thinking at that moment; grunts and groans don't exactly equal normal conversation. I wondered if he was really assisting us because he was following us; a sort of blind instinct. Ever talk to a brick wall? It was about the same._

_When we got out of the city there was at least a dozen Qunari waiting for us. We had been setup, a trap that Petrice would later explain could've shown Kirkwall and possibly Thedas what brutal thugs the Qunari really are. How nice of her to offer me as bait; remind me to thank her next time I see her, I forgot when I was calling her a fool...I would've supported her in her quest to show what foul beasts they are!_

_I learned a lot about what the Qunari really think of mages though. When we were confronted by the Qunari, I asked them why they chain their mages like they do. Their leader I guess it was, his title is Arvaarad, said that all mages draw their power from chaos and demons and can never be in control. Fenris later explained to me that an Arvaarad is like a templar; their main role within the Qunari is to hold the leash of the mage in their care. I guess that makes sense considering his passionate hatred of mages._

_Arvaarad said mages are dangerous and contagious? I wasn't aware magic was catchy, but then again the mindset of the Qun isn't exactly normal now is it. I informed Arvaarad that I too was a mage, and Anders admitted he was as well. Probably not the smartest thing to admit to an Arvaarad, as he immediately ordered his group to attack us. So much for friendly discussion._

_We "saved" the Qunari mage only to have him kill himself. He said that is the way it must be, to live by the Qun. He feared corruption so he had to die. I think Anders response to that was the best: "Of all the ridiculous, spineless, mind-controlled, senseless piece of shit arguments I've ever heard," he said._

_And then the mage Qunari replied, and it's something I haven't stopped thinking about. "What comfort has freedom brought you? Certainty is comfort." Has our freedom brought us any comfort?  
_

_If you ask me, a "certain" Qunari is no different than a tranquil mage. Comfort in both, isn't there? I guess that just means I like being uncomfortable and uncertain. Thank the Maker for choices._

* * *

Hawke walked into the Chantry as she had done many times before, only this time her mission was different. Several days she had visited in the hopes of seeing a certain blue eyed brother, but today she was looking for Sister Petrice. Now that she was alone without the watchful eye of her companions, she wanted to sit and discuss further Petrice's plans for the Qunari.

Of course when she isn't looking for Sebastian, that's the day she sees him. After their last encounter, Hawke wasn't certain how to approach him. She wanted to apologize, offer some explanation for being a bit forward when he was only offering comfort. In truth she didn't remember what she said, but his recoil caused her heart to ache, and she needed to make amends.

At first Hawke assumed Sebastian was lighting the candles for the midnight sermon, but as she closed the distance between them, his words of prayer stopped her from continuing. "May the words of my heart reach you bride of the Maker. Look with mercy upon my family Andraste, for they are now at your side." He bowed his head in reflection, oblivious to her overhearing his words.

When he turned to leave, Hawke quickly moved towards the stairs so he didn't see her. The last thing she wanted was to get caught eavesdropping on such a private moment, especially when she was there to apologize. Of course in her quick action to avoid him, she didn't notice the grand cleric coming down the stairs, and she nearly knocked the woman over.

"Forgive me," Hawke whispered to Elthina as the woman offered a soft smile.

"There is nothing to forgive child," Elthina told her as she regained her balance. "It seems we are all a bit on edge."

Hawke wasn't certain what the grand cleric was referring to. "On edge?"

Elthina nodded. "A foul murder has been committed within these walls," she said sadly. "We have spent a great deal of time cleansing them, but the fact remains blood was spilt within in the Chantry." Hawke did her best to avert her eyes from Elthina, hoping she didn't notice the guilt that knotted her stomach. "You are from over the sea, are you not?" Elthina then asked, changing the topic. "Have you come to pray for those you've left behind?"

Now she felt even more guilty. _Why no Grand Cleric Elthina, I came to stalk one of your brothers in the hopes of getting a kiss in the dark corners of your Chantry_ , she thought silently. "I was hoping to speak with you in fact," Hawke lied instead. "I was curious of the Chantry's stance on the Qunari presence within Kirkwall."

"The Qunari presence here has stirred great controversy in the Chantry," Elthina stated honestly. "But they have kept to their part of the city and have kept their word of keeping peace within Her walls. I see no reason to dwell on them when there is trouble elsewhere."

"You believe they pose no threat then?" Hawke asked.

Elthina offered no real answer. "The Maker will guide us in all our differences," she replied.

Hawke wasn't completely comforted by her words, but decided now was not the time for any debate with her. "I should get going," she said to Elthina. "Sorry again for bumping into you."

Elthina offered a comforting grin. "Andraste guide your steps."

Hawke watched as the grand cleric approached Sebastian who was now lighting the candles as Hawke originally thought. A few words were exchanged between the two, and then they both set off down the hall.

So much for making amends tonight.


	15. Magistrate's Orders

"I hired you because you could get things done 'on the sly' as they say," Magistrate Vanard told Hawke. "I was not aware that included your opinion as well."

Hawks eyes softened as she spoke to the older gentleman. "If you stop pretending nothing's wrong, maybe you can help him." She moved in closer, lowering her voice so Aveline didn't hear her words. "I won't talk," Hawke assured him. "But he is known. How long will it be before they connect him to you?"

The magistrate looked down on her, being several inches taller. "I am not going to lose my son," he answered with such ferocity Hawke took a step back. "I will protect my family no matter the cost Ferelden," he called her. "I have a feeling we are quite similar in that regard. Would you do any different?"

"You're right," Hawke admitted. "But my family doesn't slaughter innocent elves and then claim the demons made them do it."

"You think you know it all, don't you," Vanard shook his head at her. "If you tell a soul about my son," he spoke in a threatening tone, "I swear I will make things very, very difficult for you here in Kirkwall."

"I am not your enemy Magistrate," she assured him. "But should Kelder escape again, I can not control what may happen to him. Keep him safe, and get him help." She spoke softly once more. "He begged me to kill him; he wants to die. You very well may lose your son, but by his own hands."

The harsh threatening expression on Vanard's face disappeared at her last words, and he held out the gold for her assistance in silence. Hawke didn't accept however; she offered a sympathetic nod before walking away.

_Dearest Father,_

_I have heard of mages that hear demons telling them to do horrible things. But today we met a boy no older than I am who claims demons force him to harm elven children. Kelder, the son of a powerful magistrate here in Kirkwall, told me of his obsession with elves and their beauty, and his constant need to slaughter them._

_His father had sentenced him to life in prison; no one in Kirkwall even knows they are related. But the boy escaped, and I was hired to find him and bring him in. When I found him he didn't even run; all he wanted was for me to kill him. I saw a sadness in his eyes I had never seen before Father...it was clear he was suffering a great deal. Odd that I'd have any sympathy for such a murderer, but I wasn't going to be the one to take his life. Regardless of his crimes, who am I to decide his fate?_

* * *

"Great ancestors, a Prince! Here in the Hanged Man," Varric called to Sebastian as he stood at the bar ordering more drinks. "A little out of place for all that fancy armor, don't you think?"

"Varric was it?" Sebastian questioned as the dwarf nodded in reply. He laughed at his own appearance. "I suppose I am a little overdressed. I've just come from the Gallows and was hoping to have a word with Hawke before returning to the Chantry. Might she be here?"

Varric grabbed the mugs of ale and nodded towards a corner table. "She might," Varric mocked his fancy speak, "though not sure how many words she can put together right now. Rough day," he added quietly as they moved towards the table where Hawke sat alone.

She lifted her head from her empty glass as Varric approached, and immediately the heat of the drink and embarrassment flushed her cheeks. Of course he'd pick today of all days to be here. Slightly inebriated though, Hawke quickly didn't care. She grabbed a mug out of Varric's hands before he could even set it down and drank some more. "Prince Vael!" she cheered raising her glass. "Come celebrate with us."

Sebastian waved off Varric as he offered him a drink. "What is it we're celebrating?" he asked.

Hawke's expression turned somber as quickly as it lit up. "My friends hating me," she told him as she took another large sip.

Sebastian raised an eyebrow as he removed his bow and set it aside, slipping into a seat next to Hawke. "Somehow I doubt anyone could hate you," he told her honestly.

Hawke chuckled her disbelief and waved her hand towards Varric. "Go on storyteller," she encouraged the dwarf. "Tell the Prince the tale of my woes."

Varric leaned back in his chair so the two front legs were raised as he rested the back against the wall. "Our fearless leader here accepted a job for a magistrate to recover a fugitive. Turns out the fugitive is a delusional serial killer who prays on the weakness of young elven children and says that the demons made him do it."

"He was an apostate?" Sebastian asked with a hint of distain.

Hawke turned to look at him. "Why ask that? Do you hate apostates?" she asked suddenly a bit more sober.

"Varric mentioned demons," Sebastian stated innocently. "One could only assume he was a mage fugitive then."

Hawke searched his face for a deeper meaning but couldn't see anything past his deep blue eyes. Varric noticed Sebastian clearly missed the panicked tone of Hawke's voice so he continued on with the story. "The Circle of Magi disputed his claim, so he said. He's just nugshit crazy."

"And your friends hate you why?" Sebastian asked again.

"They wanted me to kill him," Hawke whispered sadly. "Even he wanted to die, but I couldn't do it. I don't know why I couldn't, I've killed before...I've even killed for you," she reminded Sebastian. "This man begged me to take his life, end his suffering and save others from his deeds and I refused." The drink caused her rambling to become nearly incoherent. "Everyone dies eventually right? That's for the Maker to decide and yet I've done it countless times already. Except when it matters, when it's necessary to protect innocent, now if other elves die because he got out again it would be my fault and they'd be right..."

Varric straightened his chair, allowing the sudden thump of the legs returning to ground to snap her out of her tangent. "I think you've had enough Hawke," Varric said as he pulled the half-full mug away from her. "Maybe it's time we get you home and in bed."

"I can take her," Sebastian offered as he stood, extending his hand towards Hawke. "If you'll allow me to escort you home?"

Hawke forgot all about what she was just saying and looked up at the prince. "You want to take me home?"

Sebastian smiled as he helped her stand. "I'd feel better knowing you were safe and resting in your bed, yes," he told her. She watched as he secured his bow along his back and extended an elbow for her to hold on to. "M'lady?"

Hawke turned to Varric and smiled sheepishly as she linked arms with Sebastian. "Thanks for listening Varric," she said before they left the Hanged Man.

Varric grabbed her unfinished drink and consumed it, shaking his head at how oblivious the Prince really was. "You're welcome Hawke," he said to no one but himself. "But you're going to hate me in the morning!"


	16. Wayward Son / An Errant Letter

_Dearest Father,_

_Perhaps I am a magnet for templars. It seems even if I try to avoid them, there they are. I went to check on Merrill yesterday and when we left there was a templar in the alienage speaking with an elven woman. Carver immediately began plotting ways around him, but he was blocking the stairs. Luckily there's this big tree in the alienage we were able to hide behind until the templar left...not before we overhead the conversation he was having with the woman._

_Her name is Arianni, and her son Feynriel has had dreams of demons. She went to the templars for aid, but they hadn't been able to find the boy. Apparently he ran away when he found out his mother was trying to hand him over to the templars. I can't say that I blame him. Carver dared to say that Arianni could be Mother someday, concerned about me having similar associations with demons. He has such faith in me, my brother. Are you sure he's your son? I'm sorry Father, but sometimes I have to wonder..._

_Arianni claims this templar, Thrask, is sympathetic to her case, and not like some others who wish to only harm mages. She also suggested I speak to the boys father, but I didn't bother. He ran when he found out Arianni was pregnant, and has been back in Kirkwall for months now without seeking either of them out. Not a very good father if you ask me, and not worth my time speaking to him about the son he obviously doesn't care about._

_Carver and I went to speak with Thrask in the Gallows to see what information he had that may help us find Feynriel. Carver was busy grumbling under his breath about the attention I was drawing to myself; after my last encounter with Cullen, I didn't see any need to hide what I am. Stupid maybe, but no one seemed to mind today. I saw Cullen in fact; I smiled at him when he looked up as we entered the Gallows. At first he grinned widely, but then seemed to have caught himself doing something wrong and immediately found his shoe very interesting to look at instead._

_Thrask surprised me Father. He seemed genuinely concerned about Feynriel. He directed me to a former templar who wanders near the entrance to Darktown; a man named Samson. Remember that guy I told you about that was asking us if we had any dwarf dust the other day? Small world; he is the one we had to go talk to. The streets still aren't safe to travel at night, so I asked Anders and Varric to join us._

_Now that I finally spoke to the man for more than thirty seconds? It's a bit creepy how much he sounds like Fenris! If I close my eyes and not look at the unclean man, or think about the smell that radiates from him, I'd swear he was Fenris making up some funny accent!_

_Sorry, sidetracked as usual. His name is Samson, and he told us he had recently sent Feynriel and a young female mage to some warehouse in the docks. A man he knew there was a ship captain that took on runaways with little or no coin. Anders wasn't happy that this man was assisting apostates, given the sort of shady character he was. I have to say I agree. If Samson was my only option of freedom? I might just run to the templars._

_The warehouse Samson directed us to was crawling with slavers. The four of us took them out with little trouble, and we found a letter from some man named Danzig in Darktown requesting slaves. I almost wish I had brought Fenris with us; he'd get great satisfaction in killing the slavers I'm sure. But I also know he isn't a fan of mages or someone potentially possessed by demons, so I didn't waste time getting him. We still had to find Feynriel, and this seemingly endless trail we were on was exhausting enough without fighting with Fenris, or Fenris fighting with Anders._

_This man Danzig dared to say he was going to make me a slave. I don't know what came over me Father, but for some reason my usual shy self ran away and someone else emerged. I reached behind my back for my dagger and quickly brought the blade to Danzig's throat, daring him to threaten me again. The moment ended before it began though; he grabbed my wrist just as quickly and nearly sliced me with my own weapon. Carver and Anders sprung into action immediately to protect me, and before long those slavers were dead as well. Quite a path of blood we were leaving in Kirkwall, though I don't feel bad about any of their deaths._

_I thought we blew our chance to find Feynriel then, as we left no man standing. But Anders suggested we search the crates near the bodies since their corpses didn't turn up any leads. Sure enough there was a map to a slavers holding cave on the Wounded Coast. No one felt like sleeping at that point knowing Feynriel was out there and we were one step closer, so we headed out into the dark of night to the cave._

_We finally found the boy in the caves. I didn't bother to attempt any negotiations or smokescreens with his captor; I told Feynriel to take cover and Anders and I launched spells in sync towards the man. Varric assisted as Carver ran up the stairs to push Feynriel out of the way, and we dispatched the remaining slavers and their leader._

_Feynriel has a lot of anger towards his mother. I can't imagine how I would feel if Mother turned me over to the templars. I didn't bother trying to change his mind about that; his feelings are his own, as was his decision to decide what he wanted to do with his life. He seems like a smart lad; said he was trying to find the Dalish and study with them instead of the Circle. He has a chance with them, being half Dalish, so I encouraged it rather than bring him to the templars._

_Arianni was surprised to hear Feynriel had gone to seek out the Dalish, but she was grateful her son was alive and now would be protected. After we told her the news, Carver stormed off back home alone. He didn't even come with us back to the Gallows to tell Thrask about his daughter. He's still sulking in his room as I write this. I haven't bothered to try and talk to him. I wonder what he thought I'd do Father? Hand Feynriel over to the templars? Kill him just in case? Would he turn me in if I shared my secret with him?_

* * *

"If you aren't careful, people are going to start thinking you're a whore," Carver informed her as he stood in her bedroom doorway.

Hawke sighed as she folded her letter and placed it in her pocket. "And why exactly would they think that?" she dared to ask.

"First that Prince has to practically carry you home," he reminded her, "and now your mage friend is here to see you."

"Anders is here?" Hawke questioned and Carver nodded. She stood as she brushed off the breadcrumbs from her robe. "You never did tell me what Sebastian said to you the other night."

Carver rolled his eyes. "If you were sober enough to talk to him yourself I wouldn't have to remember," he said. "I think it had something to do with some mages, big surprise."

"Thank you brother," she said. Hawke continued with a hint of sarcasm as she walked past him, "I know I can always count on you."

Hawke noticed Anders didn't come into the hovel, and for that she was grateful. Though it was a small step up from the clinic he inhabited, she was still embarrassed to be living there. He waited for her outside sitting on the top step, and began to stand when he heard her come out. "Don't get up on my account," Hawke insisted. "Allow me to join you down there instead."

Anders grinned at Hawke as she took a seat beside him. "I hope I wasn't interrupting anything important," Anders said to her.

Hawke laughed. "Besides my brother calling me a whore? Nope, not really." She removed the letter to her father from her pocket and placed it on the step below their feet. Gathering the smallest amount of energy, a single flame shooting from her fingertips to the paper, igniting the corner.

"Is that truly wise out in the open like this?" Anders asked her quietly.

She turned to look at him when she responded. "Whoever isn't busy being beaten by their spouse is most likely asleep. No one out here this late but us apostates."

Anders laughed, watching the flames increase as the vellum was consumed. "Do you miss him?" he asked, nodding towards the letter.

Hawke refocused her gaze on the fire. "Every day," she whispered in response. "What about you? You've never mentioned your parents. Do you miss them?"

"My mother more than my father," Anders admitted. "My father was afraid of my magic, much like your brother I suppose. I suspect he was the one that turned me over to the templars."

"Why would he do such a thing to his own son?" Hawke asked.

Anders shrugged. "Perhaps setting the barn on fire will scare a man," he said laughing to hide his uneasiness on the topic.

"I'm sorry," she replied, reaching for his hand to comfort him. She knew far too well that jokes often masked the pain within. "I shouldn't have asked."

He turned his hand over under hers so their palms were together and he squeezed gently after interlocking their fingers. "When we first met you told me you wished for a friend to confide in," Anders reminded her. "It's nice to have the same in return."

Hawke studied his face to gauge his sincerity. Though it seemed like an honest statement, she couldn't help but remember what Varric had also told her that day. Not wishing to give him the wrong idea, Hawke gently pulled her hand away from his. "I'm sure you didn't come out here to exchange sad stories though," she said changing the topic. "So why did you come?"

Anders wasn't oblivious to the distance she put between them, but he didn't comment on it. "I wanted to talk about what you did for that templar."

"Who, Thrask?"

"Yes," he nodded. "About his daughter."

Hawke didn't hide the sadness in her eyes when she looked at him this time. "I know you despise templars and everything they stand for, but I meant that promise I made to him."

Anders didn't argue with her, but he had to ask. "I was curious why you didn't try to extort him for money, or protection from the other templars."

"I could never," Hawke admitted as she watched the fire disappear. "When we first found Olivia, surrounded by those men and begging them not to harm her, all I could picture was myself in that situation. Alone, frightened, no one beside me to protect me." She shuddered at the very thought. "Would I turn to blood magic then? As she did? To save myself?"

"No," Anders insisted without thinking. "You would never..."

"I'm sure she told herself the same thing once," Hawke said cutting him off. "When we found the letter she wrote to her father...Anders, that easily could've been me."

This time it was Anders that reached for her hand. "You are stronger than that, stronger than she. You had the support of your father growing up, she only had a templar. Do not compare yourself to her. You showed the boy Feynriel great mercy today. He will live better among the Dalish than anywhere in Kirkwall." Hawke turned away from him, but he brought his fingers under her chin and forced her to look at him. "Since I've met you, you have done nothing but help others whether for coin or out of the goodness of your heart. You can not possibly think for one moment that you would have reacted the same."

"I'm not as innocent as you think I am Anders," Hawke replied quietly. She pulled away from him and stood, kicking the ashes of her letter into the wind. "It would do you good to stop seeing me that way." She retreated back into the hovel where she dwelled, leaving Anders on the steps in disbelief.


	17. Nice Crime You Have Around Here / Loose Ends

"You surprise me Hawke," Fenris said as they walked through Lowtown towards the alienage.

Hawke turned to look at the warrior. "Why is that exactly? Did you expect me to start slitting my wrists and raise a few corpses to play with?"

Fenris sustained a low growl in his throat before he continued. "I assumed when you accepted that job from your former employer, you would have done whatever it was she requested of you," Fenris responded.

"Ah," Hawke realized what he was getting at. "You didn't think I'd lie to her."

"Not as easily as you did...no," he admitted.

Hawke wasn't certain if Fenris was complimenting her on her resolution of the job or if he was concerned about how the false report rolled off her tongue. "Regardless of what you think of me Fenris, I am not cruel. I could never have let that boy return to her service. Not in good conscience."

Fenris kept his gaze ahead of them when he answered her. "I would not presume to know what you think of me Hawke," he stated. "I'd expect the same courtesy in return."

She opened her mouth to reply but then thought better of it. He was right, she shouldn't have jumped to the conclusion that he automatically hated her for being a mage. Fenris had remained at her side for several months now, and Hawke was suddenly very embarrassed for the way the conversation had gone. "I'm sorry Fenris," she said quietly.

He groaned under his breath when they approached Merrill's residence. "Stop bringing me to the alienage Hawke, and all is forgiven."

She had to; she couldn't resist. " _All_ is forgiven? Even me being a mage?"

They stopped in front of Merrill's door, and Fenris offered her a rare smirk. "Almost all," he corrected himself.

* * *

_Dearest Father,_

_I never thought I would hear someone say that muggings are fascinating, but there you have it. That's Merrill in a nutshell. She thinks the other elves in the alienage don't like her because she hasn't been mugged yet. Oh Father, what am I going to do with her? Her innocence, how naive she is, it concerns me that she's dabbled in blood magic. How does she expect me to have any confidence in her fighting off demons when she says some of the things she does?_

_She wants to know why someone can't heal the Wounded Coast. She thinks a brothel is a place to buy broth. She said the demon she asked for help was "very nice about it!" Beards look like squirrels. Cats can be knighted. All pirates have peg legs. And everything Isabela says is dirty. Well, okay that part is true. But you understand what I'm saying right?_

_I'm close to having enough coin to join the Expedition! A little annoyed though that I wasted an entire day helping Athenril. Okay, I didn't waste it because it had a good outcome, but I didn't make any money out of the deal. She asked me to look into some missing men and cargo. Carver didn't want to come along, he wasn't happy I was doing anything more for Athenril. But she was a decent boss for a year and got us all into the city; I try to remember that if it wasn't for her job offer, I don't know where we'd be now._

_I found her missing cargo as well as her latest employee. Oh Father he was only a boy of fifteen! So tough and brave, but the similarity to Carver broke my heart. His name is Pryce, a fellow Ferelden refugee like us. He lost his mother to an ogre and his father to darkspawn. He's been caring for his two younger sisters by working for Athenril. I knew the cargo was valuable, so I let him take it to get a fresh start elsewhere. Kirkwall is no place for him, and neither is working for smugglers._

_Luckily I convinced Athenril that the cargo was gone. She's used to employees coming and going, so she didn't question why Pryce hadn't returned with us. I hope I've given him a chance at a new life, him and his family. Maker willing._

_I may have made some progress with Fenris today! After sticking my foot in my mouth as usual. I almost got a smile...it was a little itsy turn up of the left side of his mouth, but it was there I swear it! After the night I visited him and he attacked me about not caring about Bethany, and then the grueling discussion we had about the Gallows, I really didn't think he and I would ever get along. Yet he's still there when I need him, so I'm taking that as a good sign. I doubt I will ever have his complete trust, but maybe I can earn his respect._


	18. The Bone Pit / Get Back to Work

She paced outside the clinic doors for what seemed like hours. Her feet were killing her; dried mud and bits of dragon scale clung to her shoes. Her robes stunk of fire and ash. She cared little about the filth that covered her face, or the blood that matted her hair. Her only concern was that of her brother, left in the hands of the healer.

When Hubert had asked her to go to the Bone Pit and check on the miners, she never could've imagined what they would end up facing. Corpses littered the camp and fires burned in the distance. Varric and Carver cleared out the few looters that were on site trying to find coin, and then they all entered the mines.

Dragonlings; not so difficult in small groups, but when accompanied by an actual dragon, it was a challenge. Still, with two healers present, the group managed fairly well; Carver rounded them up, Varric and Anders took them down, and Hawke stayed in the background making sure everyone was well taken care of. It seemed almost too easy, until a survivor warned them of an even larger dragon up ahead.

"He'll be fine Hawke," Varric offers as she continued her small strides. "He walked in here on his own remember."

"Barely," Hawke reminded the dwarf as she started to bite the nail of her thumb. The fight with the dragon only lasted about three minutes, but it was an eternity for Hawke. Carver kept the beasts attention the entire time, his battleaxe slashing and splicing through the dragons scaled skin. No matter how many arrows Bianca sunk into it, or how many spells it absorbed, the creature continued to fight back.

One mistake was all it took; one brief second, a badly timed shield, and the dragons fire had consumed Carver. The scream that poured out from the depth of his soul caused Hawke to react, foolishly, by leaping towards him and knocking them both to the ground. Quick reflexes by Anders had her protected when she jumped in the way of the flames. Carver immediately rolled out from under her, a few more times to put out the fire that had caught on his armor, and then was back in the fray again. One more well placed swing and the dragon was dead, Hawke still on the ground in shock.

Both mages had nothing left by the end of the battle, and neither had lyrium potions to replenish lost mana. They'd have to return to Kirkwall before Carver could be healed; massive claw marks opened the flesh of his stomach, and some skin was badly burned. He barely allowed Hawke to bandage him before their journey back; his pride as damaged as his armor. Little brother was angry and in pain; a deadly combination when it came to his attitude.

The door to the clinic swung open and Carver stood in the doorway. His armor all but destroyed, but the color had returned to his cheeks and he was standing straight again. Hawke went to hug him, and he immediately took a step back away from her. "I thought I told you to go home," he hissed.

She instantly stared at her feet, much like she had whenever her father had scolded her. "I wanted to make sure you were okay," she whispered, unable to meet his gaze.

"I'm fine," Carver snapped back as he moved past her. "And I'm going home." No further conversation could be had as he hurried up the stairs and away from his sister.

* * *

_Dearest Father,_

_I came to Kirkwall with nothing but the clothes I was wearing. Now I own half a mine, where other Ferelden refugees work for me (and at least they seem really happy about that!). Don't ask me how I came about this odd investment; somehow I got talked into it by some guy from Orlais. I think he only wanted to add my name to the deed so I could take the blame for everything that goes wrong there. So far a lot has gone wrong...dragons for one._

_We almost lost Carver today. I wasn't fast enough, wasn't prepared enough, he'd say I wasn't trained enough, but I know not to blame you Father. I screwed up...and that split second screw up nearly cost me my brother. I know we argue and we fight like cats and dogs, but I can't imagine not having him in my life. Things are hard without Bethany; not a day goes by that I don't think about her, or see the sadness in Mothers eyes and know that I caused that too. If I had been quicker then, if I had been quicker today..._

_And he hates me even more now. I reacted, maybe overreacted? All I saw was my brother on fire and I jumped on him to try and protect him. How quickly I run out of energy when healing and attacking! I need to pick one or the other and not do both. But I saw Anders doing it, thought I could do it too, and my pride nearly killed Carver._

_And now his pride is killing me. He's not speaking to me again...something I am painfully used to. Father I am so alone here. Mother and Carver and Gamlen...they are family, and yes I see them every day, but I still feel alone even when I am near them. All Mother can talk about is getting the estate back. All Carver can do is hate me for being the older sister and the one who he thinks stole all of your attention. Gamlen just sees us all as a burden, the family that never cared about him or Kirkwall until it was our last resort. When it comes to family, now that you and Bethany are gone, I feel like I have no one._

_Everyone else I know is also busy doing their own thing. Anders has his clinic, which he spends all day in unless I ask him to come out with us. Aveline's new promotion keeps her very busy and she rarely has time to come out or to talk. Varric has his guilds and his secret whatever it is he does. Isabela is hardly ever at "home" at the Hanged Man, and honestly I don't want to know what it is she's doing. Fenris likes to be alone and Merrill...well she isn't one for friendship. She's a sweet girl, but not really someone you can count on for support when you need to talk. And I'm afraid of whatever damage I have done when it comes to Sebastian...but in truth, I barely know him anyway._

_I have followers. I have family. But I have no friends. Even this, what I am doing with you, they all tell me it's foolish and I need to just let you go. But if I didn't have my words Father, if I wasn't able to sit down and write what's going on inside me...what else do I have?_


	19. Sharp Little Pinpricks / Pier Pressure / Night Lies

Hawke walked into the clinic quietly after hearing the sobs of a woman clear out into the hall. Anders hovered over a young girl, no more than six, who lay still on the table before him. Her exposed legs were several shades of purple and blue, an arm was twisted in the most unnatural position, and a large knot had begun forming on her head. Hawke couldn't help the gasp of alarm that escaped her lips, causing his eyes to meet hers.

"Help me," Anders whispered as his hands moved slowly over a broken ankle.

She moved in to assist; Hawke closed her eyes and placed the palm of her hand on the girls stomach. Drawing on the power within herself, she focused in assessing the damage within the little girl. A few cracked ribs, thank the Maker, nothing vital was punctured or damaged beyond what they could repair. A soft glow radiated from her fingertips as she poured her magic into bone, gently bridging the cracked gaps within.

Anders moved position; no longer opposite Hawke, they were now standing side by side as he begun work on the other leg and Hawke the arm. She carefully began with a gentle touch of cold to numb the area before snapping the bone back into its proper joint. The displacement looked worse than it actually was; once corrected Hawke concentrated on making sure nerves and blood vessels were functioning normally.

Hawke took a step back, completing her part, as Anders moved in front of her to address the forehead wound. Within seconds the bump had receded, and he took a moment to brush the young girls hair away from her face. "She'll be fine," he assured the worried mother watching over them. "Allow her to remain here until she wakes, and then take her home to rest for a few days."

The teary-eyed mother nodded her understanding; a barely audible "thank you" was said as she held her daughter in her arms.

Anders placed his hand on the small of Hawke's back to escort her into the back room away from the two. "That poor girl," Anders whispered as he sat down on an overturned crate, running a hand through ragged hair. "She wandered out the front door looking for her cat and was trampled by one of the night gangs in the mist of some street fight." He rested his head against the wall behind him. "The bloody bastards didn't even try to help her; they just left her in the street to die."

"Someone should do something about these streets at night," Hawke stated angrily.

Anders set his gaze upon her. "You're right. Someone should."

Hawke smiled at the twinkle in his eye. "Care to join me in a midnight stroll?"

He stood and reached for his staff. "I would love to," he answered with a grin.

* * *

_Dearest Father,_

_What a night! I am utterly and completely exhausted; drained beyond belief of what I ever thought possible. And yet I am writing to you because the rush is still so overwhelming! This is what I want to do. I think this is what I was meant to do!_

_I went to the clinic to thank Anders for what he did for Carver. I am sure Carver didn't bother to do so. But before I could even say anything, Anders was asking me for my help in healing this poor little girl that got caught up in the crazy of the streets here. The gangs that run Kirkwall at night are overwhelming; often I've had to dodge and run from them myself when I stayed out a bit too late. We heard them outside at night at Gamlens. But Mother insisted we mind our own business._

_I couldn't do that anymore. Not after seeing the condition of this child...who could do such a thing! When Anders suggested someone should do something about them, in that moment I realized he was right, and that someone should be me._

_With some help of course. Carver was easy to convince; I told him we were heading out to bash in some skulls and he was all for it. Then we tracked down Fenris who was also more than willing to assist. Two mages and two warriors set out to do what Aveline's guards have been unable (or unwilling) to do. A quick word to Varric to get a hold of his friends for "cleanup" and we headed out._

_First order of business was Lowtown. That little girl needed a safe home to return to. A gang called the Sharps Highwaymen led by a man named Ignacio Strand were held up in a hovel on the east side. It was a tough battle but easily won by us since most of them were archers. Arrows don't penetrate armor or magic shields very well so Carver and Fenris were able to take down a lot of them before they could even put down their bows and reach for their daggers. Once we took out the leader, his group soon followed, and we were able to check Lowtown off the list._

_Next we made our way down to the docks. Isabela had been complaining lately that a gang called the Redwater Teeth, led by some guy named Leech, were constantly looting ships and attacking crewmen late at night. I don't know why those Qunari didn't do anything about the raiders; they live right there, don't they care about the city that has provided them with a home? Oh that's right, they hate this city. Well that's fine, we took care of it anyway. I think Fenris really enjoyed this one; Leech was a blood mage, and for the second time I got to witness his fist go through someone's chest. Still as scary as the first time._

_Fenris informed us about another gang called the Guardsman Pretenders that ran through Hightown at night. They were a bit more organized under their leader Captain Qerth. I guess this is why the nobles didn't come out at night; wouldn't want to ruin your fancy shoes trying to defend your rich homes now would you! Fenris lives there. The Chantry is there. The viscount and guard are there for Makers sake...what are these thugs thinking? Nothing now. They've been taken care of!_

_It was a fun night I have to admit. A real feeling of accomplishment knowing that we can now wander around the city and not worry about each other. And rewarding too! A strange woman came up to us in Hightown and handed me a sack of coin; four sovereigns! We tried to refuse but she insisted, saying it was "courtesy of some friends" for clearing out the streets._

_I tried to split all the money with the guys but they surprised me instead. Each of them agreed to put their share towards the orphans of the city...to try and do some good with the bad coin that we had gathered. I thought this was such an amazing idea, I threw my share in with them. I dropped the money in the collection box outside the Chantry. Sure I'm still short for the expedition, but I don't care._

_I'm feeling pretty good about myself right now. And even Carver hugged me before going to bed. Miracles do happen._

* * *

As he snuffed the torches outside of the Chantry doors, he heard a commotion below in the square. Cursing himself for not having his bow, all Sebastian could do was investigate the trouble and call for a guard if something serious was taking place.

He watched, nearly holding his breath, as the battle ensued before him. Two warriors and two mages working together to clear out what Sebastian knew to be one of the gangs that ran the streets at night. Who was this mysterious group? And what was their motivation for taking on such a disruptive and deadly gang? They seemed to have a pretty good handle on the situation though; the fight was over within minutes and Sebastian was able to breath again.

Some men came out of the nowhere and gathered the weapons and bodies of the fallen gang, disappearing as quickly as they had appeared. After a brief discussion with someone else, one of the mages began walking in his direction. Sebastian couldn't run into the Chantry for fear of being caught gawking at the fight and not assisting, so he hid in the shadows before the woman made it to the top of the stairs.

The sound of four gold coins clinked as they hit the other coins in the donation box. When the woman turned around, Sebastian nearly blew his cover with a quick intake of breath. He recognized her immediately. He hadn't seen her since the night he helped her home, her inebriated ramblings of sorrow still clinging to his chest.

But Hawke didn't look sad now. She looked happy, ecstatic even. Her smile was bright as she hopped down the steps and linked arms with the other mage. Sebastian braved the top of the stairs again to see her and her companions head off into the night.

He knew so little of her; the woman that avenged his family, then showed up in the Chantry in tears over a dream, only to nearly fall into his arms after a little too much drink. But what he had learned tonight, besides her generious nature, was something he wasn't sure he could forget anytime soon.

Marian Hawke is an apostate.


	20. Chapter 20: Why?

_Father,_

_Alright, time to prove something. I don't even know why I am doing this. Feels stupid. I told her enough times this was stupid and now I am doing it. Maker she's right, I am an idiot. I have no idea what to say. She says write what comes to mind._

_I guess I can start with what's pissing me off. Here we are in Kirkwall. I'm sure she's told you all about that. I tried to join the guard but Aveline told them not to take me. Said I can't follow orders. Neither can she. Then she tells me she doesn't like the people I associate with. She's annoying that one, always spying on me. I have a mother. And an overprotective big sister. I don't need Aveline going on about how I need to take up a trade or something. If she gave me a job in the guard I wouldn't need to do anything else. Stupid woman._

_I am going to punch Gamlen if I catch him looking at Marian like that again. Filthy slob and his drink._

_I know what I have to say to you. This templar you named me after. Why didn't you tell me about him sooner? Marian talked to Tobrius and he gave her letters you wrote to this Maurevar Carver. I can't get into the Gallows records to find out more about him but I'd sure like to. You should have told me though. What were you waiting for? Now you are dead and I can't ask you. And I am writing to a dead person. See? Idiot._

_Marian has changed. More so than when that Qunari business happened in Lothering. This is what she does though. Writes to you. Of course you won't answer so I don't see the point. The people we have gathered along the way all think she's crazy for it. Except that stupid mage, the one who constantly goes on about being a mage. I hate him._

_She misses you. And Mother. She misses you too. And Bethany. I miss her. That twin connection Mother used to always talk about...it's missing now. I've lost half of me and now I'm lost. Marian has done a good job taking care of the family. You'd be proud. But you always were proud of her._

_I suppose_ _I left her to it when I went to Ostagar. That was the man's job though in Lothering. We all went together. And it was a bloody mess that battle. Made it out alive though. That's more than I can say for some of the men I served with. Had to get home to warn the family. Glad I did. But couldn't do a thing to save Bethany. Mother blames Marian. Foolish. It was all our faults. Ogre got her, soulless bastards._

_I don't miss a thing about Lothering though. Except Peaches. I got a letter from her the other day. She's staying in Denerim and then moving to the Bannorn and wants me to come see her. She says Lothering is lost. I would go visit but we have this expedition coming up._

_I know I've been a pain in the ass. I'll do better. You'll see. I don't know what else to say. Giving this to her so she can burn it with her own._

_Your son,_   
_Carver_

* * *

Hawke stormed into the small hovel, tears streaming down her fair skinned cheeks. She took the folded up letter and threw it at Carver. "Here," she said through hysterical sobs. "You can keep it!"

"Marian!" Leandra's voice raised through Hawke's screaming. "What is all the fuss about?"

Hawke stood in the middle of the room sobbing. "Why? Why you and not me? I don't understand!"

Gamlen watched as Leandra moved to place an arm around her daughter and Carver stood with some letter in his hand. "This is clearly a family matter," he said to no one in particular. "I'm just going to...go get a drink." He walked out of the home with no one having heard him or notice his departure.

"I did what you asked," Carver stated waving the letter around. "I wrote the stupid letter and gave it to you. Why are you giving it back to me?"

Hawke turned to Leandra. "It didn't burn Mother," she whispered as the tears continued to fall. "Why didn't it burn?"

"Oh Marian," Leandra sighed as she wrapped her arms around her daughter. "My poor sweet girl."

Carver looked down at the letter he had written his father. The edges were scorched but the middle of the parchment was intact without any burn marks on it. Every word he had written was clearly legible and unscathed. "Maybe it was the paper?" He tried to offer an explanation. "Or I used different ink?"

"It's the same as mine," Hawke cried into her mothers shoulder.

Carver threw the letter on the ground. "Sister, it doesn't mean anything anyway. Why are you getting so upset?"

Hawke pulled away from Leandra to answer him. "It means you didn't have to in the first place. It means Father knows you'll be okay and doesn't need to hear from you." Her eyes pleaded with him as if he had some answer she needed to know. "Why does he love you more than me?"

"Oh Marian," Leandra whispered behind her.

Carver moved closer to his sister. "Maybe it means he doesn't _want_ to hear from me. This is your private thing with him." He placed his hand on her shoulder. "Yours burn because he enjoys hearing from you."

Hawke's eyes widened at his explanation. She hesitated for a moment before asking, "do you really think so?"

Carver nodded and pulled her into an embrace. Hawke continued to cry for a few more minutes as he stroked her hair. "You were always closer to him Sister," Carver reminded her. "Maybe he still needs you as much as you need him."

Leandra rubbed her back softly as Carver continued to hold her. She lifted her head to look up at her brother. "I'm sorry," she whispered.

Carver kissed her forehead. "No reason," he insisted. "Now go to bed, we have a big day tomorrow."

"Come on my darling daughter," Leandra said as she pulled Hawke away from her brother. "I'll put you to bed and bring you some tea."

Hawke nodded and smiled at her brother once more before Leandra escorted her into the bedroom. Carver picked up the letter and threw it in the fireplace, watching it for several minutes. The letter still wouldn't burn.


	21. The Unbidden Rescue

****

* * *

"Hawke?" Varric prompted as they entered Viscounts Keep. "Have you ever met Seneschal Bran?"

"My mother has," she responded as they walked the great hall. "I'm almost certain she bothers him daily about the estate. Whenever I come here, I go to the right to see Aveline. Never been left. It's like a whole new adventure," she said with a sarcastic grin. "Why?"

Varric smiled along with her, but for reasons of his own. "Oh just curious."

Hawke looked down at the dwarf beside her but he remained oddly silent now as they ascended the stairs. When they turned the corner to begin the second flight of steps, Hawke stopped abruptly. Carver, who was behind her, placed his hand on her back and he paused as well. "What is it?"

Hawke shushed him and began to listen to the conversation being had at the top of the stairs. "Insist if you must," a male voice stated, "but Viscount Dumar will see no one. If you've news of Saemus, I will relay it to him."

"Come on Hawke," Varric nudged her to move forward. "It's not who you think it is."

Hawke spun around to look at him. "You little shit!" she whispered angrily and then stomped her feet while moving away from them.

Carver was completely confused. "Uhm Varric? What was that about?"

Varric couldn't help but laugh. "Seneschal Bran has a very distinct voice. If you aren't paying too close attention, he sounds a lot like a certain Choir Boy your sister seems obsessed with. I just wanted to see if she'd notice."

"Apparently she did," Fenris muttered behind them.

They joined Hawke on the upper landing as Bran continued his conversation with a rather rough looking woman. She was informing the Seneschal that she had already tracked down the Viscounts son to the Wounded Coast where he was being held captive by a Qunari. She seemed to care more about the reward than about rescuing the boy, a fact that didn't sit right with Hawke. And when she dared to raise her voice to Hawke as she exited the Seneschal's company, Hawke was determined to make sure this woman had a very bad day.

* * *

_Dearest Father,_

_It seems I can not get away from these blasted Qunari no matter what I do. That poster we saw in the market district led us to the Keep where we learned that the Viscounts son Saemus had gone missing. A mercenary band was already a step ahead of us, led by this dreadful Nevarran woman named Ginnis._

_While I agree with her assessment that the world would be a better place without the Qunari, I did not care for her crassness. Sure the boy has some questionable taste when it comes to friends, as he was with the Qunari willingly and not a captor like the Seneschal had thought. But he didn't deserve her attitude anymore than I did in the Keep._

_I wasn't looking for a fight, but I didn't really try hard to get out of it either. I admit there was a certain satisfaction in taking down this woman and her band of mercenaries. After she threatened to cut out Saemus' tongue...yes Father, I'm glad she's dead._

_Saemus called her a murderer and despised her for killing his Qunari friend Ashaad. Had I arrived first Father, he may not have gone willingly with me. I have no doubt I would've killed this Qunari as well, thinking he had kidnapped the boy. My hatred for them continues to grow in this city, and I am not alone. The Seneschal is concerned about their presence, as well as the Viscount. It is clear they are wondering about the political ramifications of the Viscounts son aligning with the Qunari. I may have thought the Viscount was aligning with them myself, had I not known better. Saemus told his father that the Qunari are not monsters to be feared. Oh Father, if I had a moment alone with this boy I would tell him my story and perhaps he would see things differently. I wanted to, on the Coast when he told me that the Qunari are not the brutes others claim they are. But I knew Carver was hovering behind me; it just wasn't the time to open up to the boy._

_How anyone could consider those bastards friends I will never know. They see the world only one way, their way, and if you do not fit into that world, you are expendable. Maker forgive me, because I will never forgive them._

* * *

"Serah Hawke."

Hawke folded the letter face-down in her lap, looking up to see Cullen standing before her. "Knight-Captain," she acknowledged, nervously folding the piece of paper over a second time. "Good to see you again."

Cullen stopped just short of the steps leading to the Chantry, inches away from where she was sitting. "Are you sure you should be out here alone? I heard rumor the gangs of the area had overrun the guard completely."

"Actually," Hawke corrected, smiling warmly, " _I_ heard that is no longer the case. A group of rogue vigilantes took care of them the other night."

Cullen eyed her curiously. "Is that so? If you don't mind my asking, where did you hear that from?"

Hawke felt her cheeks warm, Carver's voice mentally reminding her she shouldn't be drawing more attention to herself. Especially around a templar who knew what she was. "Around," she said vaguely. "The point is I've been here most of the night and there hasn't been the slightest sign of danger. Certainly that's a change from the way things have been the past few weeks, you must admit."

Cullen nodded. "Still, someone of your... talents... should probably not be alone, either."

Hawke stood, temper flaring as she shoved the letter in her pocket. "Why? You believe if I'm unsupervised I'll make a deal with a demon?" He flinched slightly, and she stepped forward, so they were mere inches apart. "Dancing around that issue again, are we?" She extended her arms to him, wrists locked together. "Take me in, then," she challenged. "That is your duty, isn't it? Gather all the apostates and lock them in the Gallows? I wouldn't want to stand in the way of your commendation."

Cullen reached forward, placing his hands on top of hers. Hawke's anger vanished as quickly as it had come when she saw the vulnerable expression in his eyes. His fingers danced lightly over her wrists, the barest hint of pressure, and then he released her. "Good evening, serah." He stepped around her, walking up the stairs to the Chantry, and left her alone.


	22. Act of Mercy

_Dearest Father,_

_Well here's something I never thought I'd be doing. I received a letter from that templar Thrask. The one with the mage daughter I told you about? He wanted my assistance in convincing some apostates from Starkhaven to turn themselves in. Yup, you read that right. The templars are asking for a mage's help. Again. Carver's usual line? "So much for not attracting templar attention." I swear my brother stresses more than is necessary. So we went to check it out._

_We met Thrask at a cave not far from the Wounded Coast. He wanted me to convince the mages to surrender. He explained to me that the Circle in Starkhaven burned down, and the mages fled. They ended up hiding in the caverns but the templars found out about them through some traveling mercenaries. Thrask also spoke of a Knight-Lieutenant Karras that works directly for Meredith, and he feared what Karras and his men may do to these mages should he find them first. I didn't have much time, Karras got word where the mages were and was on the way. Aveline was surprised that Thrask wanted to assist the apostates; honestly so was I. He doesn't seem like a bad guy the more I get to know him._

_The leader of these mages, Decimus, apparently thought it was a brilliant idea to resort to blood magic to defend himself, his lover Grace, and the rest of the mages. Halfway through battling dragonlings and corpses we met a man named Alain who practically begged to go back to the Circle. He was afraid of what Decimus was capable of. We saw some of it; skeletal corpses continued to attack us around every corner. Amazing skills those corpses have; I wonder how they see if they're dead? Or even move their bones with no muscles or flesh?_

_Even though Grace tried to stop him, Decimus still attacked us, leaving me no choice but to kill him. I was hoping to save them all, but he didn't want to be saved. He'd rather consort with demons for power rather than go back to the Circle. Maker I hope I never have to make that kind of choice._

_Grace asked me how I could murder one of my own. Tell me Father, how could I? How has murder become so easy for me? Carver argues that it has usually been a case of self defense and I am too hard on myself. I am starting to wonder._

_Aveline suspected Grace was just as corrupted as her lover, so I did not agree to help her escape. Her plan involved killing Thrask, and there was no way I was about to start murdering more templars. I have enough blood on my hands; those templars I helped Anders kill still haunt me in my dreams. Grace wasn't happy of course, said she would tell the templars about me also being an apostate. I didn't bother to tell her that they already knew all about me and yet I still walk free. I don't like saying that out loud...I still don't know why they don't arrest me on sight._

_I think Grace realized she wasn't going to be free; that she was either going to come with me peacefully or end up dead by my hands or the templars. She consented to turning herself in as well as those she was with, and we met up with Thrask outside the cavern. By this time though, Karras had showed up._

_Thrask tried his best to deter Karras, but it was too late, he saw us. He immediately began threatening the mages, saying that Meredith demanded any rebel mage be killed if found. Thrask stood up for the mages yet again though, said he'd go all the way to the Divine if Karras tried to hurt the mages. Karras reluctantly left and the mages went back to the Gallows with Thrask. I'm heading there now to make sure they made it back safely._

* * *

Hawke had decided to take Aveline with her to the Gallows. Carver argued with her all morning about how she needed to stop going there, but she wanted to check in with Thrask and see how Grace and the others were settling in. Carver refused to go with her, but insisted she not go alone. Aveline was willing to take the trip; both out of need to escape the mountains of paperwork in her office, and to help keep up appearances between the guard and the templars.

When they entered the courtyard, Hawke nearly turned around and ran back home. Both Cullen and Sebastian were there; two men she had planned on avoiding for at least another few weeks. After the incident with Cullen the other night and her drunken antics with Sebastian a few nights earlier, she was both uncomfortable and embarrassed. Not to mention torn between how amazingly handsome both men were standing side by side.

Aveline gave her a quiet nudge when Cullen waved to her to join them, and Hawke reluctantly headed over to the templar and the prince.

"Knight-Captain," Hawke greeted Cullen cheerfully with the biggest grin she could fake without feeling foolish. "I hope you are well? And Sebastian? A pleasure to see you again."

Cullen nodded, smiling at Hawke and Aveline. "Hawke, a welcome surprise as always. Captain," he nodded towards Aveline.

Sebastian reiterated what Cullen said, but with a bit more concern. "Yes, a surprise to see you...here."

"I'm here to see Ser Thrask," Hawke informed them both.

"Ah yes, the Starkhaven mages," Cullen stated. "Ser Karras commends you for your aid in apprehending those apostates," he told her.

"Karras said that?" Hawke asked, surprised after the way Karras was staring at her outside the caverns. The only thing she could see in his eyes was murder, and it still sent a shiver down her spine. "Is that what brings you here Sebastian?" she asked.

"Indeed it is," he answered. "When I heard they had been brought in I wanted to meet with them, let them know that should they need any assistance in their transition, they had a fellow countryman as a friend in the Chantry."

"That's very kind of you," Hawke said honestly.

Sebastian's expression was one of concern. "They seemed troubled when I spoke to them this morning. I hope they will realize that this is the best place for them."

"Yes," Cullen agreed. "Perhaps they will find peace now."

Hawke shifted uncomfortably under the scrutiny of both men. "Well, I should really get to speaking with Ser Thrask."

"I will walk with you," Sebastian offered. "I believe the Knight-Captain needs a word with the Guard Captain, yes?"

"While you're here," Cullen said to Aveline. "Unless I'm keeping you from other business."

"I have a minute to spare," Aveline replied as she gave Hawke a curious glance. "Meet you at the landing?"

Hawke nodded as she left her friend with Cullen. She and Sebastian walked a few feet away from them before Sebastian spoke. "I had meant to ask you the other night for your assistance with the mages, but you were..."

"Selfishly incoherent?" Hawke offered.

"I was going to say tired," Sebastian replied. "But now that you mentioned it, I don't think you even knew where home was or what city you were in."

"Sorry about that," she said. "It was a rough day. I don't normally do that type of thing, but...Anyway, I'm embarrassed enough by it and promise you it'll never happen again."

Sebastian laughed. "It's alright Hawke. Before the Chantry I was known to have a drink or few...dozen."

That got her to smile, and the tension between them seemed to dissolve a little. He stopped walking and turned to face her. "I saw you and your companions the other night outside the Chantry taking on that gang of thugs."

"Ah." It suddenly clicked in her head. "That explains your concern for me being here then. So you know."

"Aye."

Hawke looked up at him, realizing for the first time just how deep the color of his eyes were. Here in the middle of the Gallows courtyard, under the bright rays of sun, the man really was beautiful. She hesitated to ask her next question, given what she knows the Chantry feels about mages. But she had to know what his intentions were. "Does this change your opinion of me? Do you believe I belong here next to those mages from your home?"

* * *

_I talked to Grace. She said I should've killed her in the caverns, that she should've fought me with her very last breath to avoid coming to Kirkwall. I understand Sebastian's concern now; whatever goes on behind closed doors to have her wishing for death...Father what have I done?_

_Even Thrask says it doesn't feel like a victory, that he wonders if bringing Grace to Kirkwall was a mistake. He told me that Meredith ordered three of the Starkhaven mages to be executed, to be picked at random, to teach the others a lesson. Those three mages would've been alive today if it wasn't for me. They maybe could've escaped, with Decimus' assistance, and been anywhere but here where they just ended up dead._

_Sebastian was with me when I talked to Thrask. He got to hear how Grace would rather die then continue to be locked up. He says he will try speaking with her again, maybe provide her with some guidance. She's angry, sad from the loss of Decimus, and blames me for ruining her life._

_And then we spoke to Alain. He told us that he had written a letter to his mother letting her know that he was alright, and later on he found that letter burning in a fire in the courtyard. He also says the templars beat them when they arrived, and hit them again this morning. And it gets worse Father, much much worse. Alain said that Karras visited him in his room last night. He refused to say what happened because Karras threatened him with tranquility if he ever said a word. I can only imagine what I've sentenced that poor boy to._

_I thought Anders exaggerated. I thought Grace was afraid for nothing. I realize now I have judged these people unfairly and I had no right to do so. With your protection I never had to endure what they have gone through, what Grace and the others continue to go through. Bethany and I were lucky, and I should have remembered why you fought so hard to keep us out of places like this._

_But people like Cullen and Thrask...how can good people be involved in something like this? They believe what they believe but turn a blind eye to the corruption within? I almost went back to the Gallows to speak with Cullen about what Grace and Alain had told me, but Sebastian convinced me not to._

_After he heard what was going on, I do believe his opinion changed. I know he supports the Chantry and that goes hand in hand with the templars. Mages deserve to be locked up, and I am an apostate. But when he admitted to me that he would never want to see me in their situation, that gave me a little bit of hope. If I can continue to find good people within the corrupt factions, perhaps something can be done to change the way things are._

_I'll need to speak with Anders more about this. I know he's very passionate about the subject; maybe he can tell me what we can do to help mages like Grace and Alain._


	23. Finders Keepers - Secret Rendezvous

Hawke, Carver, and Anders walked into the Hanged Man prepared to discuss some business with Isabela. As they made their way to her usual spot at the bar however, a suspicious looking woman approached them. "You two," she pointed at Hawke and Carver. "Fereldens?"

Carver looked at his sister. "Isabela said we had that look about us. What exactly does a Ferelden look like?"

"Apparently us," Hawke replied, returning her attention to the woman. "We are from Ferelden, yes. Can I help you with something?"

"Athenril said you might help me," she replied, and then moved in closer to speak in hushed tones. "Some raider captains are having secret meetings at night at the docks. The job is simple; break up the meeting and kill every one of the bastards."

Hawke sighed at hearing Athenril had been throwing her name around again. She was done working for the smuggler, had more than paid her dues. Why does she insist on throwing more work her way? Still, there was money to be made, and with the expedition only a week away, she didn't mind the extra coin. "That's not much to go on," Hawke stated. "Is there anything else you can tell me?"

The woman handed Hawke a note with the details. "If you manage to eavesdrop on the meeting before you kill them," she said, "there'll be extra coin in it for you. When your mission is complete, come find me here."

Hawke nodded and moved away from the woman, settling into a table to wait for Isabela. "I think I know her," Anders told them when they were out of earshot. "I can't remember where, but I _know_ I know her."

Carver smirked. "Some help you are," he said to Anders. "Are we really going to go take on a bunch of raiders because this woman said so? She didn't even tell us what they have done to deserve death as a punishment."

"Did I hear someone say raiders?" Isabela asked as she approached the table. "Have you spoken to Martin already?"

Hawke was now completely confused. "Martin? Unless he is suddenly dressing like a woman, no we haven't spoken to him."

Isabela grabbed a chair and turned it around before sitting in it back to front next to Carver. The blush on her brother's face was priceless, and Hawke found herself biting her tongue not to tease the poor boy on his crush. "Martin is who I wanted to talk to you about, and no he is not a woman. He's a raider, so when I heard you mention them I had assumed you already spoke to him."

"What a coincidence," Hawke said as she rubbed her temple. "I don't suppose he's at the docks is he?"

"Nope," Isabela answered cheerfully drinking the remainder of whoever's ale was left on the table. "He's upstairs in fact, but knowing Martin he'll probably need you to go to the docks."

Hawke perused the letter she'd received from the suspicious lady. There weren't as many details as Hawke would've liked to see. It only stated where to find the raider captains and at what time they met for the last few weeks. At least it was a pattern, one that was easy to follow. Not very bright. "Alright Isabela, let's go talk to your friend and see what we can do." As for the woman's request, Hawke decided she wasn't killing anyone until she had a little more information.

* * *

_Dearest Father,_

_Usually when someone talks to me I try to give them my full attention. Here's a man, ex-raider, who claims to want to better his life. He's explaining to me that there is some cargo at the docks he needs to get his hands on and all I can do is stare at the rather large scar across his throat. Isabela said he was once a fearless dashing raider, but to me he just seemed like a broken, tired old man. Martin is his name, and he said the new raider leader gave him that scar when he tried to leave raiding. Apparently you can't; he was thrown overboard and left for dead._

_What good is magic Father if it can not fix such things? We have the ability to repair broken bones, fuse muscles back together, stop internal bleeding and stitch together everything that makes a person live and breath. Why then can we not heal scars? I doubt the man would let me try, but there has to be a way, isn't there? Maybe if I could erase something he has to see every day, he would honestly try to do better? One more thing to add to the list I need to talk to Anders about. He's a very good healer, maybe he knows the answer._

_Martin said that the raiders had some big plan for Kirkwall, and that soon they will be a problem. He didn't know any more, but at the time I thought it might have something to do with the meeting I was supposed to interrupt for that mystery woman. After Isabela did some sneaking around the docks late at night, we discovered Martin's cargo was right near the meeting place, so in one night I was able to finish two jobs._

_The cargo was poison, used commonly by rogues such as Isabela. I let Martin keep it and open his store; after losing his ship just like Isabela did, I felt bad for him. Sure poison kills people, and Anders wasn't too pleased, but one day that poison in Isabela's hands may save my life, or Carvers, or any one of my friends. I feel like I am walking a fine line when it comes to morality lately Father, but you left me on my own, so I am doing the best I can._

_As for the meeting of the raider captains, that did end up to be quite interesting. We left the warehouse just in time to catch them talking about sinking any Amaranthine ships that they come across. They also said that the Viscount's pardon came with strings; I didn't like the sound of that. Was he referring to our viscount? Why would Dumar pardon a bunch of raiders for destroying ships from Amaranthine? Anders said it probably had something to do with controlling the Waking Sea that runs between Kirkwall and Amaranthine. If the viscount was in league with the raiders, and the raiders controlled the water over Amaranthine, then Dumar would get a cut of every shipment coming into the Free Marches from Ferelden._

* * *

"Don't put Dumar as the bad guy," Anders said reading the letter over her shoulder. "Remember he doesn't really run this city."

"Alright fine," Hawke replied turning the letter over to prevent him from reading anything else. "Tell me then, why would the viscount pardon a bunch of criminals?"

Anders threw some coin on the table and picked up a card. "How well are you versed in Kirkwall history Hawke?"

"Here we go," Varric muttered under his breath as he folded his cards.

She laughed at Varric and settled in for a story. "Only what Mother has told me, which isn't much except for old noble gossip. Why?"

Anders leaned forward and began telling his tale. "Before Dumar, the viscount was a man named Threnhold. He fought hard against the templars when they tried to tell him how to rule the city; took the guard as his army and stormed the Gallows, arresting and executing the old knight-commander. Meredith and her men retaliated. Threnhold was sentenced by Grand Cleric Elthina herself, imprisoned for life, but died from a mysterious poisoning two years later. Elthina promoted Meredith as the new knight-commander, and together they have ruled the city ever since with Dumar as their puppet."

Varric shook his head but made no comment as Hawke processed what Anders had said. "So the Chantry and the templars are getting the cut from the sea trade?" she asked. "That has to be illegal, isn't it?"

"Sweet old Elthina," Anders said sarcastically. "Bet you never knew about her dark side. Whatever the Divine wants, she gets, and it trickles down from there."

Hawke turned to Varric. "Nothing to say?"

Varric shrugged. "Blondie has presented you with the facts. I can only add that it was Meredith who insisted Dumar take the viscount slot after Threnhold."

"Maker I hate politics," Hawke sighed as she folded her letter. "I don't suppose Dumar would admit to any of these charges?"

"Who would press them?" Anders asked. "The law in this city is the templars and the Chantry, no matter what Aveline wants you to believe. Wait and see Hawke; the raiders are only the tip of the iceberg of corruption around here. And it all stems from Elthina. There will be no peace with her and Meredith in their current positions."

Hawke didn't like the sound of that, but she had terrifying gut feeling that Anders was right.


	24. Find and Deliver / Friends in Low Places

****

* * *

_Dearest Father,_

_There has been something on my mind that I have been meaning to talk to you about. I know I tend to ramble on about my day and the things that happen to me and around me, but this is pretty serious. I wanted to get it off my chest before we went into the Deep Roads._

_Here's the thing..._

"Hawke!" Varric interrupted her thoughts with the thud of a large sack being thrown on his table.

"Yes Varric?" she asked as she looked up from her letter writing.

Varric dumped the contents of the sack on to the table. "I know you said you were a little short on coin and we're out of jobs, so I thought maybe it was time to go through all of this junk you collected. I shit you not Hawke, there's a fortune to be made here!"

She placed the letter face down on his desk before joining him at the table. Several objects immediately caught her attention. "Uhm Varric? What are those three?" she asked pointing to three jars that appeared to be filled with dirt.

Varric picked up each one and looked at the writing on the bottom. "Something we probably should've returned a long time ago," he told her. "Come on Hawke, we have work to do."

Hawke laughed at the excited dwarf. "We? What work do _we_ have to do?"

"Figure out who else you want to take along the way," Varric told her as he gathered the three jars. "You and I can run to the Chantry and the docks, but we'll need to go to Sundermount and I'd rather not travel outside Kirkwall with just us. Not that you aren't quite the skilled protector, but I like a little more meat between me and the bad guys."

"Always the flatterer," Hawke sighed. "Might as well take Isabela while we're here, and I'll see if Carver has had enough of Gamlen yet to get out of the house."

Varric couldn't help the broad smile on his face. "Hawke, if you tell your brother that Rivaini is going, I know he'll agree to come along no matter what he's doing."

Hawke secured her staff and the smaller sack that Varric had placed the jars in. "What do you know dwarf?" Hawke asked with a raised eyebrow.

"I only know what I see," he replied walking down the stairs. "And if I were a betting man, based on what I've seen my money's on Isabela."

Hawke shook her head trying to get rid of the image of Isabela and her brother. "Gross Varric, just gross."

* * *

_Sorry for the interruption. Varric insisted we go immediately to return the remains of a few people I apparently had picked up along the way of my adventures. First we went to the Chantry to return the remains of Sister Plinth to Brother Plinth. Nice to bring family back to each other I suppose, even if in the form of ashes. To the docks next for some outlaw named "Bearded Beast" Arintal; his son appreciated the gesture. One more quick stop to Sundermount to deliver poor "Half-Braid" Silsam's remains to Eb Silsam and now the morning is almost over!_

_I have to quickly mention Carvers lame attempt at flirting with Isabela. Oh Father, he certainly didn't get his flirting skills from you according to Mother. He began asking Isabela about her ship, and when he got all tongue tied he mentioned how she must have handled a lot of men! Isabela called him on it immediately, telling him he was adorable for trying to find a topic for them to talk about. The teasing brought out a little fierceness in my dear brother and the two continued on. Not that I'd encourage Carver to do anything with Isabela, given her reputation, but it's nice to see that maybe he can have some fun. He hasn't even liked anyone since Peaches, and that always kind of worried me._

_Anyway, back to what I was originally writing to you about. I talked to Anders about his plans for assisting the mages in Kirkwall, and he said..._

"Hawke!"

She sighed as she dropped her quill and glared at the dwarf. "Yes Varric?"

"Time to go," he said as he loaded up another sack. "Quick trip to Hightown will get you two sovereigns!"

Hawke left her letter yet again to stand over Varric's table. "On top of what we made this morning? Wow Varric, you really do know all the odd jobs in the city."

"I told you Hawke, stick with me and you'll be rich before you know it." Varric handed her the pommel, a shawl, and two important looking stacks of documents. "Rivaini has your brother trapped in the corner downstairs, want to drag them along again?"

"Maker yes," Hawke stated throwing the items into her pack. "I don't trust them alone for five minutes!"

Varric laughed as he retrieved Bianca. "Oh don't worry Hawke, what's the worst that can happen? Rivaini as your sister-in-law?"

Hawke moaned at the thought as they walked down the stairs to the main room.

"You look like a man I once dueled," Isabela was saying as she sat close to Carver at the corner table. "He was a little intimidated by my reputation as a vicious pirate, but he...rose to the challenge so to speak."

Carver shifted in his chair and leaned closer to her. "He looked like me you say?"

"Mhmmm," she teased as she looked into his eyes. "It went on all night, under the stars, the waves lapping at our ankles..."

"Isabela!" Hawke called to her loudly even though her and Carver were within earshot. "Brother, let's go. More items to return to the helpless in Hightown."

"Not now sister," Carver said with gritted teeth, looking very annoyed that Hawke had disturbed them.

Isabela laughed at Carvers demeanor. "Come on sweet thing, we can talk more while we play backup to the lost and found. Besides, there's a new outfit I have been dying to buy in Hightown. You can help me fit into it if you'd like."

Carver's face flushed and Hawke groaned. Taking these two out today was not one of her best ideas, and she was quickly regretting the decision to have them continue on. Better they be with her to keep an eye on though she figured.

* * *

_Did you know Carver visits the Blooming Rose? We just got back from delivering some shawl to a woman who works there, and Isabela said she saw him there the other night! He tried to get out of it of course but she tricked him into admitting it. Oh Father, I have gone wrong somewhere with that boy!_

_Okay, now that I have a moments peace let me try to continue to tell you what I have been wanting to tell you. I talked to Anders like I said, and he told me that..._

"You really need to let me take care of that brother of yours," Isabela stated from the doorway into Varric's suite. "He's a lost puppy that needs some attention, and I am just the person to give it to him."

Hawke rested her forehead on the desk. "Maker, what have I done to deserve this?" she mumbled into the letter beneath her. She looked up at Isabela who entered the room and now sat on the table where Varric had more items spread out. "Isabela, please. He's my brother; I do not want to hear about this."

Isabela shrugged. "I could take care of you too ya know," she said in her sultry voice. "Now you and I...we could have so much fun!"

Varric coughed, interrupting the two. "Up for more coin Hawke? A trip to Darktown and Lowtown will knock out the rest of this stuff I think and bring you at least another five sovereigns."

"Fine," Hawke gave in, dropping her quill yet again. "Might as well see that friend of yours while we're in Lowtown."

"Dougal," Varric reminded her. "I don't think you'll need his services Hawke after we finish delivering these items to their owners. You should have plenty for the Deep Roads."

"Still," Hawke shrugged, "can't hurt to hear what he has to say. By the way, what are we delivering now?"

Varric handed her the pack of items. "Just some wine, a grimoire, and some other items that don't really need mentioning."

Hawke eyed him suspiciously. "What aren't you telling me?"

"Don't do it Hawke," he warned as she began opening the pack to inspect the items.

She nearly dropped the bag as she threw it back to the dwarf. "Varric! There's a toe in there! And it's hairy!"

"Just relax Hawke, nothing to get excited about," he said as he swung the pack over his shoulder. "The toe has been turned to stone. It won't bite you. And the hair belongs to someone else, we'll be returning that too."

"Ugh," she said disgusted. "Let's just get this over with."

* * *

_I am exhausted Father. All of the traveling we did today, twelve random items I collected all returned to their rightful owners. I suppose it was worth it. Now we have more than enough for the expedition and I didn't need Dougal's help to finance it. I didn't trust him, and neither did Varric, so I guess it's a good thing I like to collect other people's junk._

"Don't write another word Hawke," Varric told her when he approached the desk.

Hawke released a half yawn, half sigh as she stretched her arms behind her back. "There can't possibly be anything else worth any value in that junk Varric. And I'm tired. I just want to finish this letter and go to bed."

Varric handed her a map of Kirkwall. "This needs to go back to the record keeper, Teryn, in the Gallows. You sure you don't have enough energy for one more trip?"

Hawke laughed at the mischievous grin on Varric's face. "You saved this for last on purpose didn't you, knowing I could never pass up an opportunity to go to the Gallows."

"Strange words coming from a mage," Varric stated. "Unless of course this has something to do with a certain templar you've been eying for the last few months?"

It had been some time since she had seen Cullen, and the idea of running into him caused her to smile. "Well, this map does look like it's very important. We really should return it."

"Mhmm," Varric agreed as he once again gathered his things. "Meet you downstairs Hawke."

_Looks like I won't be finishing this letter after all Father. Maybe once we're in the Deep Roads I'll have a chance to tell you what I've been meaning to tell you. Until then, take care of Bethany. I'll talk to you tomorrow._


	25. The Deep Roads Expedition

****

* * *

_Dearest Father,_

_Finally, after all of our hard work, it was time to go see Bartrand and let him know that we were prepared to join the expedition. As soon as Varric said he found a partner for the Deep Roads, Bartrand didn't seem too happy. I wish Varric had bothered to mention this little fact to his brother long before we approached him. I had that awkward feeling in the pit of my stomach from being in the middle of some family affair that I shouldn't have been in._

_Luckily Varric has that slick tongue of his and convinced his brother that if they waited any longer, there would be no profit to find in the Deep Roads. Bartrand agreed to a full share, and I gotta hand it to him, he already had the food and equipment and extra hands ready to go. I guess he was just hoping someone like me would fall out of that sky dwarves are afraid of and throw coin at him. Lucky for him I had that coin, as well as the maps from Anders. His face lit up with excitement when he noticed four entrances into the Deep Roads from the Free Marches. I wonder now just what he had planned to do without my information and gold? If he had a plan at all._

_I had a plan. I knew exactly who I wanted to bring with me. Bartrand said I could only take two additional people besides Varric. I wanted Carver with me, and he practically begged me to take Isabela. I thought it would be a good idea to take her as well considering Castillon was still looking for her; give her a chance to lay low for a few weeks and maybe he'd think she left Kirkwall and he would do the same. But Mother had a different plan._

"I'm sorry to interrupt Ser dwarf, but I need to speak with my children."

"Mother, no," Carver began, seeing the look on Leandra's face. "We talked about how important this is."

"I just want to know one thing," Leandra asked of her daughter. "Are you planning on taking Carver with you?"

Hawke sighed. They had gone over this with Leandra several times, once more again this morning when they said their goodbyes. She seemed fine with it then, but it was clear from her expression that Leandra was having second thoughts. "I can't leave Carver behind," she told her mother. "I need him."

"I'm going," Carver added. "It'll be fine."

Leandra shook her head. "No, it's not fine. It's not going to be fine. You can't both go. What if something were to happen to you?" She turned to Hawke, her eyes pleading. "You I understand wanting to do this. But leave your brother here, I beg you. I can not lose another child...I just can't."

_And that was the truth of it. She didn't mind if I went, she just didn't want to lose her precious baby boy. Countless times she has blamed me for Bethany, and now of course she would blame me for Carver should anything happen to him. It's taken me this long to finally not see anger or hate in her eyes. As she begged for Carver to stay, I saw something different. Vulnerability? Fear certainly, but not for me. I couldn't take her hating me again. I knew Carver would be angry with me, but I can handle his anger. So when I decided to take Fenris, whom I had planned on taking anyway before Bartrand ordered his two person restriction, Mother was of course happy again. Kissed me goodbye and everything with a smile on her face and her son by her side. Carver however, was angrier than I thought he'd be._

"Mother's right," Hawke finally said, feeling defeated. "We can't both go into the Deep Roads. It's too dangerous."

"So I get left behind to mind the chickens?" Carver asked. "It's too dangerous for me but not for you? You should stay and hide, you're the one running from the bloody templars anyway!"

Hawke closed her eyes, wishing her brother's voice wasn't so loud in his arguing. Knight-Captain Cullen stood watch from the south wall, and she knew he had heard. Her being a mage wasn't anything Cullen didn't already know, but Carver's words challenged the templar openly. Would Cullen move in to arrest her after Carver's statement? He was looking right at her when she dared to open her eyes again, but there was no change in his stance.

"All the more reason I should go," Hawke whispered. "Carver, please. Please understand. You know how things have been for Mother without Bethany. I can not be held responsible for..."

"Carver," Leandra interrupted. "You're sister is only doing what she thinks is best."

"I know," he replied furiously. "I guess I'll have to do the same," he said as he began walking away, Leandra following closely behind.

Hawke felt the sting of his final words to her. What did he mean by them? She resisted the tears that burned her eyes. The large crowd that had formed around Bartrand as the expedition was preparing to leave was not the group of people she wanted to break down in front of. When she could no longer see her mother and brother as they descended the stairs out of Hightown, Hawke turned to get back to Bartrand. Only he wasn't the one standing behind her. It was Cullen.

"You made the right decision," Cullen told her. "Forgive my saying so, but your brother made it difficult not to overhear."

She offered the templar her best awkward smile. "Yes well, Hawke family drama is always difficult and a bit loud. I'm sure your also happy to hear I will be leaving Kirkwall for a while," she added.

"If it will help, I can keep an eye on your brother while you're gone," he offered.

Hawke's eyes lit up with gratitude. "Really? You'd do that?"

Cullen nodded. "Of course. The Deep Roads is no joke Hawke, you should be careful and keep your mind clear of outside worry. I will see to it that Carver is safe in your absence."

She breathed a sigh of relief. "Thank you," Hawke said sincerely. "And thank you for not..."

"Hauling you in right before your big break?" Cullen smiled. "I'm just here to make sure crowd control is maintained. It would be best for you to be on your way now though, before things do get out of hand."

Hawke noticed Bartrands impatience reaching a breaking point behind him. "We're leaving now," she nodded to the dwarf. And to Cullen she added, "I'll see if I can't find you a nice gift while I'm down there, as a way of thanks for today."

"Come back in one piece Hawke," Cullen replied. "That will be thanks enough."

_Odd that I feel better about a templar watching over Carver, but it was a nice gesture on Cullen's part. Aveline is so busy with the guards, and Merrill isn't exactly someone I would trust my brother's life with. And Anders...well, he's not really speaking to me right now._

_After all that I have seen since being in Kirkwall, a lot of what Anders and his spirit have been saying made sense. There does need to be a change. But when I offered him a different point of view, and told him what Cullen had said to me about how mages need to understand templars just as much as templars need to understand mages, he and his spirit snapped. He told me there were plans, big things happening, and that I could either be on his side or against him. I don't see why I need to choose a side. How about survival? That seems like the best choice right now._

_So no, Anders wasn't coming to the Deep Roads, nor would I ask him to watch over Carver. They don't get along to begin with, and Anders didn't want to come anyway. Something about swearing to himself that he'd never step foot in the Deep Roads again...that was fine with me. I wasn't planning on inviting him anyway._

_So Isabela and Fenris will be with me for the next few weeks along with Varric. I'm glad it worked out this way; Isabela is away from Castillon, and if Danarius comes looking for Fenris in Kirkwall, well he's not home. I would've hated to learn that magister caught up with Fenris while I was away. Maybe this trip will be good for all of us; I can get to know them better, and maybe that stubborn elf will learn that not all mages are horrible creatures. I can dream, can't I?_

_Looks like we're pulling up camp again to continue on. The next letter I write to you will be from the Deep. Keep an eye on the family will you? Don't worry about the darkspawn; it'll feel good to get the opportunity to kill some more of those soulless bastards. If it weren't for them, Bethany would be beside me instead of Isabela...something I am trying very hard not to think about on this trip._

* * *

"This has to be the worst," Isabela whined as she tried to get the spider ichor out of her hair. "You think Bodahn has something in that cart of his for gut removal?"

Hawke had to laugh at the pirate. After spending days traveling below the surface and then finally being able to settle down for a few hours, Isabela hadn't complained at all. Forget being seriously wounded during the attack of the emissary, or spending hours looking for Bodahn's son Sandal. She chose her hair to complain about, of all things. "I'd go check it out. That dwarf seems very resourceful, and has pulled a few surprises out of that cart in the last week."

"He should be using his supplies to keep the fires lit," Fenris growled from behind her.

"I don't mind assisting Fenris," Hawke replied as Isabela ran off leaving the two of them alone. "Better to save the supplies if we don't need them."

He muttered something inaudible and Hawke sighed, turning to face him. "Even though we are constantly being attacked by darkspawn, giant spiders, and almost by that thing Sandal managed to freeze," she said, "do you know why I enjoy being down here?"

Fenris laid out his bedroll before replying. "No. Why?"

"No one here cares that I am a mage except you," she answered, laying her own bedroll down a few feet away from him. "The dwarves don't care, the hirelings are happy to be warm and fed, and not a templar in sight as far as the eye can see!"

"You misunderstand me Hawke," he said sitting on his bedroll and retrieving a sharpening stone from his pack. "They take advantage of your kindness."

His response surprised her. "You mean to tell me that you no longer care I am a mage then?"

Emerald eyes looked up at her between strands of white hair. "I do not recall saying that either," Fenris stated with a smirk that was dangerously close to a smile.

_Dearest Father,_

_So far so good I think. We finally reached the thaig Bartrand was hoping to find. It took a little while though, several cave-ins made things a tad more difficult but we managed to find a way around. I'll admit this to you and you only: I almost regret not bringing Anders now. Between the chaos of the darkspawn and watching everyone's back on my own, Isabela was seriously injured. I wasn't able to get to her in time and I thought we'd lost her for a minute there. I'm doing the best I can with the healing around here, but I'm not as good as Anders is. Thankfully Isabela wasn't too mad at me, but said a night in my bedroll next to me to keep warm was what I could do to earn her forgiveness. Maker she doesn't stop trying!_

_Bartrand seems to believe we have stumbled upon a thaig of dwarves that were around long before the first blight. He had heard rumors of this place but didn't know for certain until we arrived that it actually existed. Not exactly helping my confidence in him by these statements he makes, but at least he's stopped running us all on little sleep. Tonight will be food, sleep, and then heading off into the thaig in the morning to explore. However he knows when morning is given the lack of sky. I suppose dwarves have some secret sense of time since they are meant to live below the surface anyway._

_I'm making progress with Fenris I think, which is nice. I think without the ranting of Anders in his ear and Merrill being a reminder for him of blood magic, we can actually make some headway towards a nice friendship. I'm a little worried about him though...he hasn't said anything, but I wonder what being near all this raw lyrium may be doing to him. I think it's reacting to the lyrium in his skin somehow; I occasionally see him scratching at his arms as if he had a million bug bites. I'll ask him before we head out again if there is anything I can do._

_That Bodahn is such a thoughtful dwarf! A near tragedy, he told us his son had gone running off into the tunnels unsupervised. Though when we found him he seemed to be doing just fine on his own, Bodahn keeps thanking us for saving his boy. Honestly Father you would know, we didn't do anything except escort him back. But now Bodahn says if we do find our riches and get into Mother's old estate, he wants to come work for us as some sort of thanks. I assured him that if we did manage to find anything down here, though so far it seemed unlikely, that he could work for us and be paid for his services._

_Let's hope this thaig has something, otherwise we have wasted a lot of time and coin. Help us out if you can, will you?_

* * *

_Dearest Father,_

_Sorry it's been a while, but I haven't had access to anything to write with in days. I don't even know where to begin to explain the chaos that has been our trip! I guess I should start by thanking you for your survival tips growing up...the emergency rations in my pack made a big difference for the first few days, but supporting all four of us it didn't last as long as I had hoped._

_Jumped ahead of myself, sorry. Varric's jerk brother locked us into the ancient thaig. We found this idol that he thought was worth more than his brother's life and he took off with it and left us to die. Nice guy right? So we were on our own since Bodahn had all of our supplies and rations while we scouted ahead. As I said the food lasted a few days, but after that it almost got ugly._

_Fenris has a new appreciation for mages. It's not like there was any water to be found in that place, so it was up to me to keep us all hydrated. The funny (well not really funny) part was we hadn't even thought to do such a thing until after a fight with some nasty shades. I had released a frost spell and our bodies immediately went after the remains of the ice when the fight was over. So we lived on ice chips, and then Isabela came up with the idea to melt the ice to get it warm enough for us to at least bathe in. Last thing we needed was to miss a cut or a scrape under filth and become tainted. We created makeshift bathtubs with stones as best we could, then I'd fill it with ice and melt it down with fire. In a pinch it worked wonders, though hopefully I'll never have to do that again._

_Met a demon down there. Promised us a way out if we left his "children" alone. There were profanes that fed off the strange lyrium in the old thaig, and this demon was feeding off of them. It was an easy decision not to cut a deal with it. Fenris seemed almost proud that I hadn't even engaged in conversation with it and immediately attacked it. The demon fled at first, sending abominations and more shades to do his dirty work on top of the profanes we were already fighting. But we met up with the demon further into the thaig and it finally came to blows. We were broken, exhausted, starving, and becoming increasingly claustrophobic, but I have to admit even I was excited to see the treasure we had found! Among the treasure? A key to a door that led us right back where we started, at the beginning of the old thaig._

_That was a week ago. Today we are on the surface, laying in the dirt and enjoying the sky above us. I am able to write to you thanks to our newest friend Bodahn, who remained behind after Bartrand and his men left. Bodahn refused to go with him, and good for him for standing his ground because Bartrand can be intimidating if you're a dwarf! But also yay for us! I think I ate enough for four people, and I'm sure I will regret it when my stomach catches up. The only one really unaffected by the hunger was Fenris, which made me sad because that just means he was used to it from his life as a slave. That didn't stop him from eating just as much though!_

_With Bodahn and Sandal here the journey back to Kirkwall should be a breeze. We don't have to continue to carry all of this heavy treasure we found, we have food, we have water, and we have our health. With the exception of Bartrand leaving us behind like he did, it really was a successful venture for us. Varric says that as soon as he gets the chance he will reach out to his contacts and get the best price for what we have. That will help when I distribute the coin to everyone. I figured it's only fair everyone get a cut, even if they weren't allowed to come with us. Every one of them helped Carver and I raise the money for the expedition in the first place, it's the least I can do. I was only going to do it with my share, but Varric said he'd chip in too. What a great business partner I have in him, and also a good friend._

_I can not wait to get back home and tell Mother and Carver the good news...as Varric says, we're going to be rich!_

Hawke gleefully skipped steps as she ran upwards towards Gamlen's hovel. She couldn't wait to see the look on her mother's face when she announced the good news. Soon they could buy back the Amell estate, and Leandra can get back into that nobility circle she'd been craving since stepping foot back into Kirkwall. Carver would have the coin to do whatever he wanted to do with his life, and everyone could breath a little easier.

When she opened the door, Hawke froze, almost unsure for a moment if she were in the right home. Her uncle was there, her mother too, but standing before her was also a man she almost didn't recognize at first.

"So, you're back." He walked towards her, Leandra right behind him, and Hawke felt for the doorframe to steady herself.

"Oh thank the Maker!" Leandra exclaimed. "Please, talk some sense into him!"

Hawke blinked a few times, staring between her mother and this man she was barely able to comprehend was her brother. The sight of him overshadowed the anger in the back of Hawke's mind at her mother not even saying hello and simply demanding she fix this. "Carver? What is that you're wearing?"

"I've joined the templar order," Carver replied matter-of-factly. "There's no point in trying to talk me out of it. It's done."

Time seemed to stand still as she processed his words. Her baby brother, a templar? The same man that feared them so much when she left has now joined them? Hawke's head was spinning, and she truly felt as if she'd pass out at any moment. "I...I need to sit down."

"Here, let me help you." A third voice in the room she hadn't heard yet, and then someone was holding her elbow. Hawke turned to see Knight-Captain Cullen, who she hadn't even noticed when she first entered.

"Cullen?" She pulled away from him angrily. "Was this your way of keeping an eye on him? I meant for you to keep him safe, not recruit him!"

Carver stepped forward. "Sister, careful. Remember who you're talking to."

Hawke pressed her back against the wall furthest away from the both of them. "I know damned bloody well who I am talking to." Her angry stare pierced through Cullen. "How could you?"

"Don't blame him for this," Carver insisted, though Hawke barely heard a word he said as she continued to glare at Cullen. "I wanted this. For myself."

Cullen shifted uncomfortably. "I should uhm...leave you alone. This is clearly a family matter."

He reached for the door cautiously which was still within Hawke's reach. She barely managed a whisper through her anger and pain. "I trusted you," she said to him. He stopped to look at her, sorrow in his eyes for hurting her, but said nothing further as he left the family alone.

"Marian, please," Carver approached her. "I want to _be_ someone, more than just your brother. This is my chance."

"Oh Carver," Leandra replied when Hawke couldn't answer her brother. "Please, my boy, the Order is so dangerous. Your sister won't be there to protect you."

He knew his mother wouldn't understand, but he had hoped his sister would. "No, she won't be," he told his mother loud enough for Hawke to hear. "But perhaps now I can protect her." And with that he walked out of Gamlens to follow Cullen back to the Gallows.

* * *

__


	26. Speak to Fenris / Blackpowder Courtesy

**_A/N: As we begin Act 2, you can assume Hawke continued to write to her father the goings on over the last three years. For this reason, I am only briefly touching on the quest Finding Home, though it won't fit in the chapter title. Anything she may have written that is crucial to plot I will recap, as you'll see in this chapter._ **

* * *

After all this time it was still hard to believe that opening the front door now led into Hightown instead of Lowtown. Exiting her home into the fresher, cleaner air away from the foundry, Hawke lifted her head to the sky and embraced the sun for the second time that day. She had already been to see the Viscount, an encounter that had surprised and concerned her, and now she headed towards Fenris' mansion to ask for his assistance.

She paused at the Chantry steps before moving on. It had been nearly three years since she had seen or heard from Sebastian. The grand cleric informed her he had taken leave for personal reasons, though she wouldn't divulge any further details. It was probably for the best, Hawke mused, otherwise she'd be taking full advantage of the now short distance to the Chantry from her home.

Hawke cautiously entered the mansion where Fenris resided and paused as she heard voices coming from upstairs. He wasn't alone, and for a moment she feared Danarius had finally come for him. But seconds later she relaxed when she heard the teasing laughter of Isabela echo through the empty dwelling. From their time in the Deep Roads, Hawke had suspected a bond of sorts was forming between the two, but now it was confirmed they had become friends.

She hesitated before ascending the stairs, wondering now if the two were engaged in something she'd rather not see, but talk of tax collectors didn't sound too intimate so Hawke continued onward. Isabela must have heard her come up the stairs, because she stood immediately and began to leave, not before strutting her rear in front of Fenris and offering Hawke a wink.

"Hawke," Fenris said her name in a welcoming tone.

"Good morning," she replied with a smile as she sat in the chair previously occupied by Isabela. "I hope I wasn't interrupting anything."

"Not at all," the elf informed her. "Another year held up in this mansion, another year to avoid taxes it seems. Isabela was assisting me."

"I see," Hawke stated. "Has it really been another year already?"

"Mm," he acknowledged. "Three now in fact. And still no sign of Danarius. I almost dare to think he's given up."

Hawke wished that were true for her friend. "It certainly is a nice thought."

Fenris nodded. "I've wanted to ask you something for some time now, but the opportunity never presented itself."

"You can ask me anything Fenris," she assured him. "We are friends."

He turned away from her then and looked out the window. "Your brother once mentioned that you and your family moved around a lot; your father and two of his daughters being apostates I understand the need. But you've been in Kirkwall for nearly four years now." He glanced back towards her. "Have you finally stopped running?"

Hawke studied his expression for the real reason behind his question. "You're wondering if it's time to stop as well? Perhaps build a life here?"

"Is that even possible?" Fenris asked. "I am not sure I know how."

She laughed, though stopped abruptly when she saw the look of confusion in his face at her reaction. "We've both stopped running Fenris. You said it yourself, it's been three years and you are still here. You have friends, weekly card games, this huge mansion to live in, and a steady job of bailing me out of trouble! Is there a better definition of a life?" When he remained silent, Hawke continued. "And just so you know, should Danarius show up, we wouldn't let you run again if you tried. Every one of us, even Anders, would be by your side to defend you."

Fenris thought on what she said. "I suppose I sound ungrateful then, not realizing this as you have."

"No," Hawke told him honestly. "There are days I don't realize it either. But since we are friends, I count on you to remind me as I have reminded you today."

With that he smiled, acknowledging the truth in her words. "Of course. Now perhaps you will tell me the reason you are here?"

Her expression turned to confusion and darkness, and Fenris swore he saw fear in her eyes as well. "I was summoned this morning by the Viscount. He spent the better part of our time together telling me his fears surrounding the Qunari. The fact that they are still here, and zealots that may be plotting something to antagonize them and bring war to Kirkwall. He is concerned they want something, and seems to believe they going to ask for it soon."

"Any ideas what it may be?" Fenris asked.

"Not yet," Hawke told him. "But apparently the Arishok has sent a request for me."

"And the Viscount wants you to keep the peace," Fenris deduced, and Hawke confirmed with a nod. "What does the Arishok want with you?"

She shrugged. "He didn't know. Received a letter by messenger requesting that I be sent to the compound immediately."

Fenris was starting to understand why she was afraid. "You wish for me to go with you," he stated more than questioned.

Hawke felt the tears sting her eyes. "Without my brother around, I admit I am not as brave to face the Arishok alone. He seems to respect you though, maybe he won't crush me where I stand if you're beside me?"

Fenris grinned in an effort to comfort her. "I will go with you," he stated as he stood. "I also recommend bringing Aveline along. Having the captain of the guard beside you may remind the Arishok he is on borrowed land."

"Good idea," she said following his lead and standing as well. "Thank you Fenris. I really appreciate it."

"A reminder Hawke," Fenris told her. "We would all gladly defend you as well."

His reassurance and reminder pushed aside her fear, and Hawke felt more confident to meet the Arishok and face whatever it was he wanted from her.

* * *

_Dearest Father,_

_More and more people are asking me for help, and I keep showing up with a smile! On the outside it appears I have it all, yet on the inside I am as lost as I was three years ago. Sometimes as I sit in my room that's bigger than Gamlen's hovel these are the thoughts I have. I know I've told you many times over the last three years all the changes that were taking place, but I have to keep reminding myself this is now my life. I'm certain I will be reminding you of that strange expensive art in the library again next week...I wonder if I gave Mother too much gold to spend. Which reminds me, Bodahn gave me the final payment today...three years later! I guess some of Varric's sources took a while to pay up, but now we are finally done with selling everything from the Deep Roads. Close that chapter for good, I never want to think about that place again!_

_Sorry, I suppose I should tell you why my mind is a complete mess today. It all started this morning when Bodahn informed me the Viscount wanted to see me. I was nervous enough at being summoned by him, but then to learn the Arishok knows my name? I hate even more that he knows I have changed my fortune over the years as he says. To be called upon by the Viscount of the city and told that the most hated enemy residing in town wanted to speak with me was not one of the highlights of my day. Neither was the reason he requested my help in the first place._

_Well, not really help. "A courtesy" as he likes to say, in telling me that his poisonous gas was stolen and could kill thousands in Kirkwall. In other words, "I allowed it to get out, so fix it before it becomes a problem." At first we suspected Javaris, the dwarf that was after the substance years ago. but it turned out to be some crazy elf that was upset with the Qunari converting other elves. One of the zealots the Viscount feared? We assume so. Luckily we found the gas and contained it before too much damage was done._

_My biggest concern was the amount of people that were in on this plot to frame the Qunari. It was made to look like they were trying to kill the citizens of Kirkwall by this elf, but she had a lot of help. We had resistance from the carta and several mercenaries before securing the stuff. Just how many are conspiring in the dark corners of the city? That elf also said I had enemies; she was glad I was there so she could kill me. I wish I knew what she was talking about. I know I've upset some people in Kirkwall, but overall I thought I did more good than harm. Apparently not._

_I hate to say it, but I also have to wonder what the Viscounts son has to do with all this, if anything. He says he sees beauty in them, acceptance and assurance and certainty. But all I can see are murderers. I would try to remember that I can't blame their entire race for the actions of one, but they have shown me little reason to believe they are not savages. Saemus says he will happily go to the Maker knowing he hated no one. I'm afraid I can't say the same. Yet another conversation I wish to have with Sebastian...should he ever return._

_When we reported to the Arishok what happened with the stolen gas, he refused to take any blame for their actions. Further, when I mentioned that he had remained in Kirkwall a long time, he got angry. Furious even. If it weren't for Fenris' hand on my back forcing me to remain strong and stand tall, I would have ran in fear. I can't even think of it any further without my heart starting to race in utter panic. I'm glad now I told Fenris everything that happened in my past with their people. I needed him to understand my fear and he does. I just wish they'd go away already, but I have a feeling that is one wish that will not come true without a price._

_In talking to Fenris this morning, I realized that I really miss Carver. I still haven't been to see him...avoiding him and the Gallows completely. I know it's been years and I really should seek him out. Mother says he wants to see me but I'm still not over the circumstances of his recruitment. I wish he would've waited for me to return before making such a decision. I told him then that it was a good idea, if that's what he wanted to do. But over time I can't help but think he only did it to protect me. And if that's the case, he is probably miserable, and doesn't want to really see me anyway. We've had the estate for over a year now and he hasn't come to visit either, so it's not entirely all my fault. Kirkwall has many two-way streets._

_I suppose it's time to wrap up this letter Father. Mother insists on going dress shopping before the markets close. Maker, please don't let her try to fit me in one again. If she doesn't stop talking about marrying me off I am going to scream, I swear it._


	27. Repentance / The Starkhaven Longbow

****

* * *

_Dearest Father,_

_Mother was having another one of her moments this morning, going on about how strange it is to be living in her childhood home. Every time she says how being here makes her feel like an Amell again, I have to remind her of the Hawke name. She's always so quick to forget it, it frightens me Father. She even mentioned considering marriage for a second time._

_A part of me is furious with the idea. How could she think such a thing? No one can replace you, why would she want to try? She said she'd always love you, but thinks it's time to move on with her life. Maybe she's right. Who am I to hold her back with my thoughts and opinions? Personally I feel like she is betraying you, your memory, but I am not in her shoes. I imagine she's lonely, and if that's the case then maybe I can see the need to move on. It just makes me sad._

_These thoughts led me to the Chantry. I needed to get out of the house, away from her considering the many available nobles in Kirkwall. I had planned to spend some time trying to make peace with the idea, but ended up walking in on a private conversation between the grand cleric and Sebastian. He had returned, and was asking her for forgiveness. She was pretty harsh on him, so I interrupted (though I don't really know why, was it even my place to?)._

_He found out who was behind the murder of his family, and wanted to go after them for some answers. The Harimann's are a prominent family in the city; I was apprehensive at first to even go confront them. But Sebastian asked for my help; he was worried that if he went alone, something may happen to him. Of course I offered my assistance, I agreed this was not something he should do solo. The grand cleric saw it necessary to remind me that attacking a noble family wasn't wise, and if they had done wrong then it was up to the Viscount to punish them. She also begged me to not let Sebastian do anything he may regret. She needn't worry about that - I would never._

_I recruited the help of Fenris and Varric and we went to visit the Harimann estate. Strange goings on there! First we ran into Flora Harimann who was yelling at an empty keg of wine. She didn't even know we were there. Brett Harimann was melting gold to pour over one of the slaves, claiming it would make her beautiful! Lucky we were there in time to stop him. Further investigation led us to find Ruxton Harimann, in a rather compromising position! I'm not sure who had the brighter shade of red on their face between Sebastian and I after walking in on that! The entire house it seemed had gone mad._

_We found some journal entries that began to explain what was going on. It seemed to have all started with an expansion of the estate. Two dozen slaves were brought in to start excavating, digging into the hillside behind the house. As quickly as they began they were ordered to stop by Lady Johain, and within two weeks the family was out of their minds. Flora was the last to succumb to whatever it was, as her entries stopped._

_Beneath the house we found some ruins, protected by all kinds of foul creatures. We made our way through to find Lady Johain begging a desire demon for more power in order to convince the current prince of Starkhaven to marry her daughter Flora and unite the families. Sebastian had his confrontation, but I'm not certain he got the answers he was looking for. The demon had a lot to say to both of us, and I'm not certain she was entirely wrong._

* * *

Sebastian rested his arms on the rail, looking down upon the first floor of the Chantry. "I had hoped prayer would cleanse me of the desire demon's touch," Sebastian said to Hawke when she came to check on him later that day. "Yet I still hear her voice so clearly. I feel like I've bathed in filth that will never come off."

Hawke stood beside him, confused as to why he was punishing himself. "I see no reason for you to be ashamed," she stated. "You acted honorably and have done no wrong."

Sebastian looked over his shoulder at her. "You were right down there in the ruins, when you told me that Lady Harimann wanted the same as I. The demon knew this too." He turned around to face her. "I used to be jealous of my brother," he admitted. "I wanted to be prince and now I could be, though his body lies in ashes. I wonder, do I want this because it is right? Or because I can finally have what I thought I never could?"

"Listen to your heart Sebastian," Hawke replied with ease. "It's the wisdom not to want power that let's you use it wisely."

Sebastian shook his head. "You didn't feel what that demon stirred in me."

Hawke smiled shyly. "Perhaps you forget who you're talking to. I've had my fair share of demons tempting me, playing with my doubts and fears and trying to use them against me."

Her response took him by surprise, how openly she admitted such a thing. "I suppose you have," Sebastian responded. "How is it then you deal with such things? Temptation, guilt, doubt even?"

"Same as you," Hawke told him. "I count on what I believe, what I _know_ to be right or wrong. And then when you hit a crossroads where you just don't know what to do about something, you have other options. The Maker for one, and if he doesn't answer, friends are just as good," she added with another smile. "We won't always find the answer we're looking for, but a different perspective never hurt anyone."

Sebastian nodded, acknowledging her statement. "It seems I owe you more than I can say Hawke," he told her, feeling a little better about his internal struggle. "I will think on what you have said, and I appreciate you taking the time to listen. You give sound advice; I shall try to follow it."

"Or not," she shrugged. "I don't claim to have any more answers than you do. Maker knows I rarely listen to my own advice. Just ask my mother someday how wrong I can be at times."

He laughed, his blue eyes shining a little brighter that nearly melted her heart where she stood. "I very well may do so." Sebastian lifted his head above them to look out of the window. "It's getting late, might I have the pleasure of escorting you home?"

"While I can still walk on my own two feet?" she joked, referencing the last time he walked her home.

"Indeed it will be easier," Sebastian said with a grin.

Hawke tried not to seem overly eager and nervous, nodding her head in acceptance. "Very well then. Shall we?"

He offered her his arm as they descended the stairs and exited the Chantry. Grand Cleric Elthina watched from where she had stood on the third level for the last few minutes. While she was relieved Sebastian had returned in one piece, concern filled her heart with his new budding friendship.

* * *

When Hawke entered the estate, she was immediately greeted by her mabari Talyn. He ran an excited circle around his master, and then immediately began sniffing Sebastian. Hawke stood back and watched the interaction between the two; Talyn was usually wary of any new stranger but seemed to take to Sebastian with ease.

"I have not seen a mabari in years," he commented. "I have heard that gaining a mabari's loyalty is considered the ultimate proof of character."

Hawke couldn't help the ridiculous smile that seemed permanently stuck on her face in his presence. "That's kind of you to say. It seems he likes you just as much."

Sebastian laughed as Talyn ran between his legs, his stumped tail swiftly moving from side to side. "Then I am honored," he said bowing to the hound who barked in response. "A fine beast indeed."

Bodahn stood in the entranceway to greet Hawke and her guest. "Welcome home messere," he stated. "Might I offer you and your guest anything?"

Hawke introduced Sebastian to Bodahn and then to Sandal when they walked into the living room. "That's very kind of you," Sebastian replied to the dwarf. "But I am afraid I must be getting back before Elthina begins to worry."

Hawke stopped his movements with a soft hand on his arm. "Would you mind waiting a moment? I have something for you."

"For me?" he questioned.

She smiled as she nodded to Bodahn who disappeared into the library. He returned with a large bow that Sebastian recognized immediately as soon as he saw it. "That...that is my grandfather's bow!" He took the weapon and held it in front of him, testing the strength of the string. "And it looks to be in mint condition! Where did you find it?"

The expression on his face was of pure joy, a look Hawke was hoping to see when she gave it to him. "One of the Flint Company mercenaries had it. I brought it to a weapon smith for some repairs, and Sandal added a rune to it for you."

Sebastian ran his finger across the rune, the shock and amazement still gleaming in his eyes. "I can't believe you found it," he whispered. "I had thought of it often, never expecting to see it again."

"I imagine there's a story behind that bow," Hawke stated, wishing to hear him speak some more and delay his exit.

They moved towards the couch and sat down, Sebastian still holding the bow in front of him. "As the youngest son of three," he began, "it was my place to lead Starkhaven's militia. I was never very good with swords, so my grandfather turned me on to bows. 'A wise mans weapon' he would say, with the ability to defend the city without opening the gates."

"Distance is best when in a fight," Hawke agreed.

"It was promised to me by my grandfather when I was a boy of thirteen. He said when I had proven I had the ability to use it he would give it to me." Sebastian's eyes showed a hint of sadness as he continued the story. "I would practice every day to be able to show him, make him proud. But before I got a chance my parents sent me to the Chantry, and I hadn't seen the bow since until today."

Hawke tried to process what he had told her. "Your parents sent you to the Chantry? I thought you had joined willingly?"

Sebastian looked down, slightly embarrassed. "I may have been dedicated in practicing bows every morning, but every other part of the day was spent getting into trouble." He dared to meet her gaze. "I was a wild boy, a shame to my family. If my parents hadn't sent me away...well, besides the trouble I _would_ have caused, I'd probably be dead just as they are. Only sooner."

Hawke felt his sadness and it nearly broke her heart to see the pain in his eyes. "I'm sorry I never got a chance to meet your parents," she had spoken before she thought better of it. "Or to save them."

He gently placed his hand on her knee. "You've done more than enough for them already," Sebastian assured her. "And for me."

She placed her hand on his in an attempt to keep it there as long as possible, but changed the subject into a more positive direction. "I don't suppose there is much need for your archery skills within the Chantry, but should you have need to use that bow, the rune should come in handy."

"Not in the Chantry, no," he agreed. "But perhaps I could offer you my services while I figure out what to do in regards to my role in Starkhaven."

A sly smile crossed her lips. "Sure, I can think of several services I'd like you to perform."

The look of shock in Sebastian's face made Hawke realize she had said what she was thinking out loud. Her cheeks flushed as did his, and she recalled the last time they were in this same position. His hand on her leg, her saying something bordering on flirtatious, and that same expression revealing itself in his face. This time she pulled away instead of him, standing quickly as his hand slipped off her knee.

"I'm sorry Sebastian," she said still flustered. "I have kept you far later than you had planned."

He followed in her gesture, standing as well and making his way to the front door. "I uh...thank you again," he stated, raising the bow a few inches upwards. The man was clearly tongue-tied as Hawke opened the door for him. "We will uh...talk soon. Yes, soon."

She watched his hurried steps as he nearly ran back towards the Chantry. Once she saw him ascending the grand staircase Hawke closed the door to the estate and leaned against it, waiting for her embarrassment to dissipate. _Maker's breath Marian you are such an idiot!_

While Sebastian was clearly embarrassed as well walking up the stairs, he couldn't help the wide grin that curled his lips. He didn't know why he was so amused with her statement, but he knew he'd be doing a lot of praying that night.


	28. An Update / Family Matter

_Dearest Father,_

_I think for the first time since I've met Varric, he was nervous to be around me. I admit it startled me to see him actually sweat when I went to visit him this morning. My reassurances seemed to calm him a bit and he finally admitted that his brother may be back in town. I wasn't aware that Bartrand even owned a home in Hightown, but apparently that's where he was hiding out. Varric's anger clearly ran deep towards his brother. When I asked him how he was holding up, he said he couldn't be better, knowing that Bartrand was within arms reach._

_I wasn't happy either with how the Deep Roads turned out. Had I returned a few days earlier I may have been able to convince Carver that joining the Templars was a bad idea. But I didn't have the same level of anger towards Bartrand because of it that Varric had...the poor man was livid, and so I was very careful in my choice of who I wanted to bring along with us to speak to the dwarf. As much as I have grown to love and care for Varric, I wasn't sure my word alone would calm him should a fight break out between the Tethras brothers. I asked Anders to come along for the extra healing in case Bianca really got twitchy, and I invited Sebastian. His first time assisting us I figured should be something rather simple, and his calming influence may help in the situation._

_How wrong I was about all of it._

_The house seemed abandoned when we got there, and my bright idea to search the house for clues nearly cost us all our lives. Two mages and two archers expecting to intervene on a small family matter turned into the four of us struggling to stay alive as we were relentlessly assaulted by crazed guards. There seemed to be no end to them, and I was kicking myself for not bringing Aveline or Fenris along with us. It took an extreme amount of teamwork to fight our way through room after room of these men who would not (or could not?) stop and listen to reason. Anders and I would pin them with a few ice spells and Sebastian and Varric would finish them off with a downpour of arrows. More than once Sebastian had begged Andraste and the Maker for forgiveness as each of the men fell; I guess he didn't know what he was getting himself into by volunteering to aid us._

_The corpses that weren't of our making started to concern Varric and I. They littered the floor of the estate in several rooms. Their appearance did not show any normal death, and I admit I was apprehensive in going further. But upon reaching the second floor we ran into Hugin, a servant of Bartrands, and what he told us was overwhelming to say the least. Apparently that idol we found in the Deep Roads had caused Bartrand to begin hearing voices. After he sold the idol, the madness took hold. Gruesome accounts of forcing servants and guards to ingest raw lyrium; lethal to mages so I can't imagine what it would do to regular humans. On second thought I do know; we faced dozens of the result in those guards. Hugin confirmed that Bartrand was indeed in the estate, and so we prepared for anything as we entered the last room._

_Anything did not cover the extent of Bartrand's madness. He attacked us, with a strength that was beyond what any normal dwarf was capable of. Trying not to hurt him and instead subdue him, Anders and I managed to restrain him with a few carefully placed glyphs and finally he stopped his assault. He began talking to someone none of us could see or hear, going on about a mistake that he had made. Varric had his confrontation, yelled at his brother for leaving us in the Deep Roads, asking him over and over again why he had done what he did. But Bartrand's mind was not comprehending the words his brother spoke._

_I tried to see if I could sense anything physically wrong with him, but there wasn't. His mind didn't feel right to me, but I saw no way to correct it. Anders followed my lead and he too focused his energy on Bartrand. We both agreed that it didn't feel like any natural spell or illness. Anders said it felt more like the presence of a demon, though with Bartrand being a dwarf that was impossible. He sensed the poison in Bartrand's mind as well, and being the more experienced healer he was able to isolate the corruption for a few minutes so we could speak to him and be understood._

_I have to agree with Varric, it may have been better had we left Bartrand crazy and not listened to his pleas for us to kill him. The strong, stubborn, pain in the neck dwarf we had met years ago was gone. What stood before us was a broken man, begging for the pain to end, his nightmare to be over. It broke my heart Father, and I had to turn away from the both of them. I regret not having the strength to stand by Varric's side in that moment, but all I could think about was Carver, and what it would've been like had I been put in that position to see my brother so fragile and lost._

_I admit I shed a few tears as Varric spoke to his brother behind me, and it wasn't until I felt a hand on my back that I realized Sebastian had joined me. In that moment I was glad I asked him to join us; his silent support was enough for me to snap out of it and return to the brothers. I have little doubt Varric was considering ending Bartrand's misery, the pain in his eyes was clear to us all. But I know he would've regretted that decision in the end, so I convinced him to take a moment and really think about what he was going to do._

_Sebastian surprised us all when he gave us the solution. He told us of a place where Bartrand could go and be cared for by people who were familiar with the effects of lyrium and the madness it can bring. I know he was trying to protect me when he didn't elaborate, but I already knew the place he was speaking of. Bartrand would go to Val Royeaux, to live among the retired templars whose minds had deteriorated due to long-term lyrium dependency. One day Carver will join him there, and that is the day I fear the most._

* * *

"Are you alright?" Anders asked Hawke as they walked to the Hanged Man for a much needed drink.

She nodded at first, not wishing to discuss the thoughts running through her mind. But when she turned to look at him, the concern in his eyes caused Hawke to let down her guard. "I miss Carver," she admitted silently.

"You still haven't been to see him have you?" Anders asked, though he knew the answer.

Hawke sighed, reluctantly admitting the truth. "No. I know I should it's just..."

Anders put his arm through hers. "When you're ready, you will," he told her without judgment. "I'll even go with you, if you want."

Her mouth opened in surprise. "You'd willingly go to the Gallows?" she asked.

"Of course I would," Anders replied, softer and with a touch more caring than Hawke would've liked. Though she had made it clear to him that theirs was a strictly platonic relationship, it seemed he still held a torch for her.

"You're a great friend Anders," she reiterated, nearly stressing the world 'friend' in the statement. "Thank you."

To the rear of them, Sebastian and Varric were having a very similar conversation about family. "It may be difficult to see now," Sebastian began, "but you must forgive your brother."

Varric scoffed at the taller man beside him. "While you were off playing prince, Bartrand trapped us in the Deep Roads and left us to die."

"When you hold on to anger, it colors everything you do," Sebastian countered, ignoring the slight insult. "You escaped the Deep Roads, did you not? From what I see, you built a life without your brother. Do you still want him haunting you?"

The dwarf considered several replies, none of them particularly nice or appropriate after what Sebastian had just done for his brother. Withholding what would have been a rude answer, instead Varric sighed. "You may be right Choirboy. I spent a long time being mad at my brother, but what good would it do? He's so far out there now he doesn't even recognize his actions."

"Tis true. And wise of you to notice," the prince offered. As they walked behind the mages, Sebastian couldn't help but notice Anders and Hawke walking with arms linked at the elbows, much like he had witnessed the night they were fighting street gangs three years ago. "Tell me something Varric. Anders and Hawke..."

"Aren't what you think," Varric informed him. "Though Blondie still holds out hope." He glanced up at Sebastian curiously. "Why?"

Sebastian shrugged. "No reason really, just trying to learn about Hawke and her companions so I don't fumble future endeavors."

Varric wasn't buying that excuse, but allowed Sebastian to live in his denial. For now.


	29. Mirror Image / Back From Sundermount

"I've got something to show you," Merrill said apprehensively when Hawke stopped by for a visit. It had been a few days since they had seen each other, and Varric warned Hawke that Merrill may be needing a friend. Lately the elf insisted on being by herself Varric had said, so when Merrill appeared excited to see Hawke, it was a welcomed surprise.

Hawke followed Merrill into her bedroom, or rather the smaller of the two rooms in the Dalish elf's hovel. The alienage wasn't far from Gamlens, and the layout of the homes was very similar. In the corner of the room stood a large floor to ceiling mirror, though broken and cracked. Bordered in gold with what appeared to be tree roots circling the base, Hawke found it beautiful, even if a bit pointless. "It doesn't exactly reflect the room Merrill," Hawke stated. "And how in the Maker's name did you get something this large in here?"

"Oh, I had some help," Merrill explained. "There were these nice men that offered to help me for free even! Wasn't that nice of them?"

"Free?" Hawke sighed. "What did these men look like Merrill?"

"They were dressed in leather; all matching too which I thought was so cute," Merrill replied as she looked into the cracked glass.

Hawke looked down at Varric who had accompanied her. "Coterie or Carta?"

"I'll find out," Varric replied. "Neither group is in the business of doing anything for free," he whispered the afterthought so Merrill couldn't hear him.

"Every city used to have one of these," Merrill started explaining, oblivious to the concern of her friends behind her. "Long ago when the elves had an empire that covered Thedas. They would use it as a way to communicate across great distances. This is a piece of our history, one long forgotten by my people. The Keeper disagrees, says it was lost by the ancestors for a reason."

Hawke finally understood. "This is the reason you left the clan."

Merrill nodded, not meeting Hawke's gaze. "I have been trying to restore the mirror. Some of the shards were corrupted though. I needed the assistance of a...spirit...to help me."

"Which is what introduced you to blood magic," Hawke concluded.

"It required a stronger magic than I have," Merrill answered with a nod. "The Keeper refused to aid me, and I had no access to lyrium at the camp, so I used what was available to me."

"A demon," Hawke stated.

"A spirit," Merrill corrected her. "With his help I was able to purify the glass but it still won't work. I think I know what I need, but it will be difficult to get my hands on."

Hawke felt Varric nudge her in the back. This must be the reason Varric really wanted her to visit Merrill. The elf needed something, and Varric wanted her to help. "What is it you need Merrill?"

* * *

_Dearest Father,_

_I don't know if what I did today was right. Merrill said I was the first real friend she had ever had, just because I supported her in her cause to restore some ancient mirror from her people's past. Am I a friend to encourage someone who dabbles in blood magic and makes deals with demons? It goes against everything I believe in, everything you taught me, and yet I couldn't deny her._

_Merrill's entire clan is against her for what she is attempting to do. Why do I not agree with them? Why did I not convince her that what she is doing is wrong? Surely the Dalish know more about this mirror than I do, and some of them are even afraid of Merrill because of what she is doing. One of her own people ran from the sight of her straight into a Varterral! Why in the Maker's name am I helping her?_

_Merrill reminded me that we aren't as different as I like to think we are. That I know what it's like to lose everything, just as she has. This was a choice she made though...I didn't choose to lose you, or both of my siblings, or my home in Ferelden. But this was for something she believes in, something that she knows will help her clan in the end even if they don't agree. She was so passionate in her pleas, so determined and yet so alone in wanting to help them not forget their past or where they came from. If she manages to achieve what she believes she can achieve, it could open up a whole new world for the Dalish again._

_I admit I know very little about Dalish history, but enough to know that they were once the dominant race in Thedas until the Tevinter Imperium dragged the elves into slavery. Forced into hiding they had given up on much of their history and traditions for the sake of survival. Perhaps it is my duty as a human, and especially a mage, to help restore that past in any way I can. I don't know...it just felt like the right thing to do. I hope supporting her in this is a wise choice. I have no doubt some of my companions would not see it this way, but it's a decision that has already been made._

_Speaking of decisions, I'll be going to the Gallows tomorrow. I know I said I was going to avoid it for as long as possible, but something happened at Sundermount today that I can not ignore. A group of templars showed up and demanded the Dalish hand over Feynriel, the boy that was dreaming of demons. The hunters said one of the templars tortured and killed a clan member trying to get information. When we arrived the hunters and the templars were about to engage in a full out war over the incident. Luckily I managed to convince the templars to back down, but I don't know for how long that will last._

_Very few people knew that Feynriel had gone to the Dalish. Which means someone had to have ordered the templars to go to Sundermount; allowed them to use whatever force was necessary to capture him. I don't know who that someone is, but I'm going to find out._

_I wonder if Knight-Captain Cullen will be happy to see me after all of these years. I still haven't thanked him for taking my brother away. I hope Carver is there as well. Yes Father, tomorrow should prove to be an interesting day indeed._


	30. Frightening Thoughts

"I appreciate you coming with me Sebastian," Hawke said to him as the small craft pulled into the landing at the Gallows.

Sebastian nodded, exiting the boat first and then extending his hand to aid her. "Are you sure you still wish to do this Hawke? We can go back if you'd like."

She gave him a bright yet uneasy smile. "We both know I've put this off for far too long. Besides, you said you wanted to check on the mages from Starkhaven didn't you?"

"Indeed. I think some of these templars escaped the fire as well," Sebastian informed her as they walked up the staircase. "I wanted to speak to them if they would allow it, find out what really happened."

They reached the top of the stairs and Hawke spotted Cullen in the distance. Sebastian rested his hand on the small of her back. "Shall I go with you? I can talk to the mages later."

Hawke shook her head, eyes locking with Cullen's when he looked in their direction. His expression did not give away what he was thinking, so Hawke kept hers neutral as well. "I'll be fine," she said looking up at Sebastian. "How bad can it be?"

Sebastian walked with her halfway across the courtyard of the Gallows before breaking away from her when he saw Grace. Cullen kept his eye on her as she moved toward him, correcting his posture yet softening his demeanor. "Hawke," he greeted her. "I hear congratulations are in order with the Amell name being restored."

"I'll be sure to pass them along to my mother," Hawke responded with a grin. "She's the Amell of the family. I'll stick with Hawke."

Cullen nodded in understanding but then looked upon her with remorse. "Hawke, if you're here to see your brother, I'm afraid he's out in the field today training."

She had in fact hoped to see Carver while she was there, but didn't want Cullen to see her disappointment. "Actually I was coming to see you. There was an incident at Sundermount I wanted to speak with you about involving some of the templars."

"Oh? What about?"

Hawke shifted her weight on her heels, suddenly feeling uneasy about confronting him on the matter. She briefly scanned the area to make sure no one was within earshot before she continued. "A few years ago I was approached by a templar to help a woman named Arianni and her son Feynriel," she began, now glancing up at him to see his reaction.

"I was made aware of the boys special talents," Cullen filled her in. "I also know which templar you speak of. The boy was sent to live with the Dalish wasn't he?"

"He was. A few days ago a group of templars I didn't recognize were antagonizing the elves, even tortured and killed one in their demands that Feynriel be handed over to them." When she saw how shocked Cullen was over the news, she continued. "I managed to talk the templars out of further bloodshed, but I fear it won't be the last time they go looking for Feynriel."

"I assure you Hawke those templars were not acting under any orders of mine," Cullen stated. "We have no authority to go starting a war with the Dalish."

Hawke scoffed. "Tell that to woman templar we ran into. I don't know who she is; never saw her before. But she seemed insistent that she was doing the work of the Knight-Commander."

"I thank you for bringing this to my attention Hawke," Cullen said. "I will look into the matter immediately."

Hawke crossed her arms over her chest. "What are the chances of me meeting Meredith? I keep hearing about her, and I admit my curiosity is getting the best of me."

For the first time since they began talking it was Cullen who looked away from Hawke. "I'm afraid she's become more reclusive since you came to Kirkwall Hawke, these last three years especially. She's become very suspicious of outside influence, and I can't say I blame her after what happened with Tarohne and Keran." He redirected his attention to her. "But if you say she is involved in this incident with the Dalish, perhaps I should keep a closer eye on the goings on around here."

Hawke agreed silently with a nod, wanting to say more but deciding that this was a good time to end the conversation. Although Cullen seemed genuinely concerned about what was happening she still had a hard time trusting him after what happened with Carver. It was hard to forget she had trusted this man to watch over her brother while she was gone only to discover he had assisted Carver in joining the Order.

"I appreciate your help with this Cullen," she said with sincerity. "I should probably go."

"Yes," he agreed more quickly than he had meant to. He knew she was still upset with him but vowed to himself to do whatever he could to assist her. He figured she'd probably never forgive him for recruiting Carver, but he was elated that Hawke was at the very least speaking with him again. He wasn't sure why it mattered to him, but for some reason it just did. As she walked away from him and stood beside Sebastian, Cullen tried to ignore the jealous feelings that crept up on him.

* * *

_Dearest Father,_

_I wasn't sure what to expect when I went to the Gallows. To see my brother there and have him run to me, arms wide open, and embrace me like he missed me? Nothing that extreme but I had hoped to have at least see him, be able to talk to him. Cullen said he was out training and that it wasn't possible today. Maybe it's for the best...I still don't know what I'd say to him._

_I talked to Cullen a bit. It was awkward at first, knowing the last time we saw each other I wasn't the nicest person in Thedas. But he made me feel at ease by keeping things neutral and I guess I should thank the Maker for that. I asked him if he knew anything about the templars going after the Dalish and he said he didn't. Seems the knight-commander around here may be doing things he isn't aware of. Not that I really care one way or the other, but I hope Cullen doesn't go too far in looking into it. Okay so maybe I do care...but I'll only ever admit that to you._

_After talking to Cullen I lingered in the Gallows a bit while waiting for Sebastian to finish talking to Grace and the other mages from Starkhaven. It seems there are a lot more tranquil mages than I remember from a few years ago. There was a man Jacob who was speaking to a woman named Helena. It appeared they had been in some secret relationship but Helena was made tranquil. He professed his love to her and her response was, "I am Sir Alriks now."_

_Father the more I listened to the goings on in the Gallows the more Alrik's name came up. Another tranquil was wandering around saying that Alrik had rescued her from her sins. More than one said they belonged to Alrik. Others say that Alrik can bring peace to an otherwise troubled mind. These mages are more than tranquil...they've been brainwashed to believe this Alrik is a savior!_

_Grace told Sebastian that all mages have been stripped of their staffs and grimoires. Mages are being executed for trying to escape instead of punished. Alain has heard rumors that Meredith is crazy and hears voices. Thrask says there's so much fighting and disagreements within the templars that no one really knows who's doing what anymore. It's frightening to think that all this is happening in the city. At any moment I could be one of those mages..._

_I think I've put off talking to Anders about this long enough. I know he has some strong opinions on the matter and I've brushed it off as paranoia. But after seeing what I've seen today...Father for the first time I am afraid to be a mage in Kirkwall. I don't want to be made tranquil, I don't want to subject myself to whatever it is Alrik is doing to these mages. And if Meredith is supporting him...Merrill, Anders and I are in danger. Even with Cullen and Thrask and even Carver protecting us for now, how long until we're next on the list?_

_Anders will know what to do. Hopefully he isn't mad I didn't take him with me to the Gallows. I know he offered, but now I'm glad I took Sebastian instead. It gave Sebastian a chance to see what's really going on and hear it from his own people. After seeing and hearing all the tranquil, I doubt Anders' friend Justice would've kept quiet. Maybe I should bring some backup when I go talk to Anders...he's going to be quite upset. Of course I don't blame him; I'm upset as well. Wish you were here Father, as always._


	31. Visit Anders /  Dissent

_Dearest Father,_

_I went to see Anders like I had planned. I couldn't get the image of all those tranquil in the Gallows out of my head, and I just knew I had to speak with him about it. I'm glad I went, because he knew exactly what I was talking about. In fact he knew even more._

_First he told me that the templars were in Darktown the other night, checking the refugee camps for apostates. He's concerned that they will eventually come for him, being that the clinic isn't exactly a secret in Kirkwall. That got me wondering why they haven't already come for Anders, but I didn't want to tell him of my concern; he seemed worried enough. Between the curfews and the raids on mages families lately, he's been hiding in his clinic afraid to go out._

_I was concerned about Justice, and asked Anders how he's handling everything. Anders said his anger mixed with the emotions Justice feels from the fade may finally be having negative effects on him. He's trying to counter that negativity by helping the mages as best he can, but he's afraid he may not be able to control his actions when it comes to Justice. I promised to keep an eye on him, but little did I know my promise would be tested sooner rather than later._

_Anders had noticed the tranquil too. He said every single day there are more and more mages turned, some of them he knew and also knew they had passed their Harrowing. I might not have gone through the Harrowing, but you taught me enough to know that it's illegal for the templars to do such a thing. Yet Anders says there's a plan to turn every mage in Kirkwall tranquil within the next three years._

_I know Cullen and I aren't exactly seeing eye to eye lately, but I find it hard to believe he's involved in such a thing. Or Thrask, or even Carver! To think all the templars are aware of this plan...Father I couldn't believe it, even as Anders continued to give me the details. I know they aren't all heartless, I've seen it for myself. But try explaining that to Anders. The death of his friend Karl still weighs heavily on his heart, and he told me the templar that had made him tranquil was Alrik._

_That name scares me. After hearing all the tranquil wandering the Gallows saying they belong to Alrik now...just who is this man? Anders wasn't willing to tell me all the details, especially with Aveline and Sebastian by my side. I brought Sebastian with me to try and open his eyes to what us mages are dealing with, and Aveline needs to see for herself what is happening within her city. She may be Captain of the guard, but she seems to turn a blind eye to the mage templar situation._

_Anders did let us know a little bit more about Alrik though. About how he's been experimenting on mages, seeing how far he needs to push them before they fall to demons and blood magic. Then he uses that excuse to make them tranquil, and he's justified in the eyes of the knight-commander. Maybe I'm foolish for still believing there are good templars, but I try to remember everything you've taught me and what I've seen with my own eyes since being here. I told Anders we need proof of what Alrik is doing, and then we'll bring that evidence to the Grand Cleric and to Meredith if we have to._

_I was surprised and also a little proud that Sebastian and Aveline agreed to join us in searching for this proof. I think Sebastian was really only going to protect me, which is sweet of course. Aveline said if this is really happening then she needs to know about it, and will help us get access to Meredith to let her know what some of her templars are doing. I can only hope for the best outcome: we find Alrik and put a stop to it, open up the eyes of the templars and the Chantry, and save future mages from being wrongly made tranquil._

* * *

"Anders," Hawke said his name calmly as he was busy ransacking one of his trunks. "It's clear you're upset, but please. We need to talk about this."

"'Upset' doesn't begin to cover it," Anders replied without turning to look at her. "You were the only thing that kept me from murdering an innocent girl. It's all gone wrong...Justice and I..." he trailed off, choked up on his own obvious tears.

Hawke moved closer to him and placed her hand on his shoulder. "Anders," she called to him again, but he barely recognized she was there.

"I'm just a monster," he whispered. "An abomination."

She knelt down beside him to draw his attention. "The Anders I know wouldn't just give up like this, let the templars win."

"Maybe they deserve to win," he replied. "They're right you know. How can I fight for the freedom of mages when I am an example of the worst that freedom brings?"

Hawke took his hand in hers. "Mages are dangerous, you and I both know this, and know that is why this has been so hard. But why not make yourself the proof that mages can control their powers? Your struggle is greater than most I agree, but just like you'd tell any other mage, you have to believe in yourself."

Anders turned to finally look at her. "I don't know how," he admitted. "How can I even trust myself to heal anymore? What if that...creature of vengeance turns on a patient? Will he...will I...resist? It's too much, I can't risk it."

She held back her own tears at seeing the pain in his eyes. "Do you remember a conversation we had once on the steps outside my uncle's place? Right after we found out that Thrask's daughter turned to blood magic?"

Of course he did. Anders remembered every moment he spent with her, though he wasn't quick to admit it. She had made it perfectly clear that they were only friends, something he still struggled to accept. But he'd rather have her friendship than nothing at all, so he kept his feelings from her. "You thought that you might one day be that weak."

"That's right," she smiled. "And you told me the reason I never would was because I was strong. That I had a good heart, and have done nothing but help people since I'd come to Kirkwall. Anders, do you not realize that you are also strong? That you too have a kind and generous heart? You run this clinic and help people without asking for coin or anything in return. You're helping innocent apostates live freely in the city and helping those in danger escape the Gallows. You need to believe in yourself, believe that you can control this spirit inside you. You need to believe it because I believe it."

* * *

_Dearest Father,_

_I am thankful for the quiet in the estate tonight. Mother is out, which I thank the Maker for, because she did not need to see me in the condition I returned home in. Finding the proof of this Tranquil Solution Anders spoke about was much more intense than I thought it would be. I suppose I didn't really realize what to expect. The unrealistic world I live in sometimes in my head made me think Alrik would be reasonable and just admit to what he was doing. How very wrong I was._

_Anders took us to an underground tunnel that led to the Gallows. I was surprised he had no problem letting Sebastian and Aveline know where it was or even that I had asked them to come along. He agreed with my thinking that they both should see for themselves what is happening to the mages in Kirkwall. Immediately we ran into resistance in the tunnels; lyrium smugglers. Anders said it was they who originally built the tunnels in order to service the templars and their addictions. I guess some of them require more than the usual amount of lyrium issued by the Chantry?_

_It wasn't long before we heard the screams of a woman. Following the noise we came upon a group of templars surrounding a very frightened mage. She was begging the templars not to hurt her, saying how she only wanted to see her mom. My heart broke for her Father...she was so scared, so innocent in her request. But the lead templar wasn't taking any pity on the girl, and immediately threatened her. She was on her knees Father, begging this man not to make her tranquil._

_His voice...oh Father his voice sent a chill through my body. The way he gleefully stated that once she was tranquil she'd do anything he asked. I was horrified. I felt her fear, felt it as my very own, and in that moment I wanted nothing more than to kill that man. I confronted him, foolishly perhaps, but my own anger drove me to it. Now that I think about it, I wonder if Justice coming to the surface within Anders was fueling that anger. I felt the energy from the fade, I knew Anders was losing control, and a sense of vengeance flooded me as well._

_Before the templar, Alrik in case you didn't guess, could answer me, Justice did indeed surface. There was no more discussion. I fought as hard as Justice did. I wanted these templars dead. I needed them to die. It was nearly impossible for me to resist the hate I felt inside as we killed templar after templar, and then finally Alrik. I can almost see now why Anders has such a hard time of it; just being near him with that negative energy from the fade...Father I feared myself._

_The fight had ended, but Justice hadn't disappeared. I tried to speak to him, used Anders' name and tried to make him see that all the templars were dead and he could calm down now. But the anger inside Anders seemed to only fuel Justice, and I admit I had to take a step back under the intense fluorescent glow of his eyes. Sebastian moved to stand between us to protect me, but Justice's attention was called elsewhere when the mage girl we had just saved called Justice a demon._

_He almost did it Father. Justice almost killed her. I don't know how I managed to reach Anders but somehow I did, and he struggled to regain control before Justice could do it. I tried to help, to intervene, but it felt as if Justice was channeling all of the power of the fade and I couldn't use any magic. Aveline and Sebastian tried to help as well, but the glow from Justice was so bright it had blinded them momentarily. In the end, only Anders could've saved her, and he did._

_Ashamed of his actions, Anders fled before we searched Alrik's corpse. We found a letter that Alrik had written to Divine Justinia in response to her and Meredith rejecting his proposal for the Tranquil Solution. In it was mention of his original plan: all mages must be made tranquil in order to co-exist peacefully and retain their usefulness. He felt this was the best way to ensure mages obey the laws of men and the Maker. His reasoning for this was the amount of mages that couldn't be contained and the fact that mages had found a way to plant abominations within the templar ranks._

_I knew the actions of Tarohne wouldn't just go away quietly. Ever since the incident with Keran and the templar recruits things have become a bit tighter in the Gallows. That I can understand, but Alrik took this to an entirely new level with this plan of his. Thankfully Meredith and the Divine Herself didn't agree with him._

_I told Sebastian and Aveline to meet me here tomorrow so we can go to Elthina and Cullen and ask them about where they stand on Alrik's plan. Mostly I just wanted to get rid of them so I could go check on Anders. He was a mess when I found him, planning to leave Kirkwall never to return in fear of what Justice may do next. I think I convinced him to stay, and once I showed him Alrik's letter he seemed hopeful that maybe there was a possibility for change. I invited him to come along tomorrow as well. I'm hoping that he hears what he needs to hear from them and maybe then he'd feel more comfortable getting their assistance with Justice._

* * *

"Are you sure you want to do this?" Sebastian asked Hawke when he entered the estate. He was the first of the three to arrive, and took the opportunity to address his concerns with her.

"What do you fear more Sebastian?" she asked out of curiosity. "My confronting the Grand Cleric or Cullen?"

"Both," he stated. "You intend on not only admitting to the both of them that you killed Alrik, but that you have proof there's a sinister plot to make all mages tranquil, a fact that is clearly the work of one mad templar and no one else."

"That we know of," Hawke said. "It takes more than one templar to make a mage tranquil, and there were others with Alrik in those tunnels. I know you and I see differently when it comes to mages Sebastian; I've heard your comments when you speak to the others and think I'm not listening."

"Being a brother in the Chantry has made me believe the words of the prophet Andraste, this is true," Sebastian said. "But being in your company has also shown me that it is possible to be a mage, a good mage, outside of the walls of the Circle."

Hawke smiled at the compliment, but it was only briefly as she thought about the several conversations they had yet to have on the subject. "I thought maybe you'd be more concerned that Elthina will think less of you for accompanying me," she admitted. "I know how much her opinion means to you."

"Aye, it does," Sebastian admitted. "But you mean something to me too Hawke, a fact that has my heart torn in two."

This sudden admission from the man she had thought about constantly over the years caused her to take a step back, unable to fight the shocked expression she knew was on her face. Did he just admit to...caring for her? In more than a friendship kind of way? Or was she being foolish and reading into it...

Before she could inquire further, Aveline arrived with Anders, and the conversation was promptly ended as he turned to greet the others. Anders approached her, seeing the clear shock on her face still, and became concerned. "Marian? Are you alright?"

It took her a minute to realize Anders was even there, or that he and Aveline had arrived. She shook her head to clear her mind and smiled at him. "I'm fine," she said. "Are you ready to do this?"

Anders tried to manage a grin as he shrugged. "I don't know. Only one way to learn the truth though right?"

Hawke nodded. "Exactly. Let's go."

Their first visit was to Elthina. She was more concerned about Alrik's murder than the papers Hawke had shown her. Hawke couldn't believe, or didn't want to believe, that Elthina may have agreed with Alrik's plan. Even Anders spoke up, reiterating the point that Alrik was trying to turn every mage in Kirkwall tranquil.

"Ser Alrik made a suggestion, yes," Elthina admitted to knowing about the plan. "But we turned him down."

Something in the way she had said those words didn't make it quite believable. Surprisingly, before Hawke or Anders could comment on it, Aveline spoke up. "But you don't condemn the practice outright," she stated to the Grand Cleric.

Elthina sighed. "The Right of Tranquility has always been a last resort. It has saved lives, but it is not without its costs." She looked directly at Hawke, and then Anders behind her, finally settling her gaze upon Sebastian who had remained silent. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have nothing more to say on the matter."

"Well, that was helpful," Anders said sarcastically after Elthina had left them alone. "Clearly she knew about it, and am I the only one that sensed a bit of dishonesty?"

"Careful Anders," Sebastian warned. "You are still in the house of the Maker, throwing out accusations about one of His most loyal subjects."

Aveline spoke up yet again. "Even you have to admit Sebastian that she wasn't exactly forthcoming in her opinion. I don't think she aided Alrik in what he was doing, but I don't think she did anything to prevent it either."

"Sebastian has a point," Hawke interrupted before the conversation got out of hand. "Perhaps this discussion is best for outside these walls. Let's go see what Cullen has to say."

The bickering behind her on the way to the Gallows was nearly driving Hawke mad. For once Aveline and Anders had sided together and Sebastian was struggling to defend the Chantry and Elthina's actions, or lack of action. Hawke remained out of the banter for a time, not wishing to completely gang up on Sebastian. Silently she agreed with Anders and Aveline; it was very clear Elthina wouldn't care one way or the other if all mages were made tranquil. Which only reinforced her suspicion that the Grand Cleric did not approve of Sebastian having anything to do with her.

By the time they reached the Gallows, Cullen had become the unfortunate target of Hawke's anger and frustration. Before he could even say hello, Hawke began the accusations. "Your Ser Alrik was working on a plan to turn all mages tranquil," she stated while handing him the letter they had found.

Cullen narrowed his eyes at her. "I will not ask how you came by the personal effects of a man recently discovered murdered within our own walls," he replied. "It's true there has been some discussion of the idea but as you can see it has gone no further than that."

"You expect us to believe that?" Anders asked.

Sebastian continued his previous argument in reply to Anders. "Contrary to your belief not everyone is out to persecute mages."

"The Harrowing has served us well enough for centuries," Cullen stated calmly, trying to convince Hawke and Anders. "It will be up to the mages themselves whether or not they push us to more stringent measures."

Hawke felt her heart grow heavy with the words he had just spoken. "It sounds like you support this then," she whispered, unable to believe what she was hearing. Although she and Cullen had certainly had their disagreements in the past, she never considered the possibility he would allow such a thing to happen.

"The tranquil ritual was created as a mercy so that mages not be killed out of hand for a threat they might pose," Cullen informed her. "There is an argument to be made for applying it more widely."

Anders turned to Hawke, clearly upset. "Are you going to listen to this? He's no better than Ser Alrik!"

Cullen became defensive at Anders' words. "Do you think it's easy to contain a mage that truly wants to deal with demons?" he asked Anders. "We've done our best. But many mages have made it clear they view the ritual as no better than death."

"How nice for you that you can have that opinion," Hawke answered him. "And that you are free to express it without fear of having your emotions ripped from you by a sunburst branded on your forehead." She turned to Anders and he saw her eyes were glistening with unshed tears. It was clear she was wrong about all of it. Elthina, Cullen, even Sebastian believed that Alrik wasn't entirely wrong in his thinking. "I suggest we leave Anders, before they find our wanting to live in peace offensive."

"Hawke, wait!" Sebastian called to her, but she ignored him. Aveline held him back, allowing Hawke the space she clearly needed.

Anders put his arm around her shoulders as they walked away, and once they stepped on to the boat and were away from the Gallows, Hawke allowed the tears to finally fall.


	32. Consoling Words / Offered and Lost

Hawke couldn't believe her eyes when Bodahn told her two letters had arrived for her that day. One was from Macha, Keran's brother, thanking her for defending him before Ser Cullen. Given her recent interaction with Cullen, Hawke was happy to hear about a time when he was a little more reasonable and forgiving. It seemed like a lifetime ago after knowing what she knew now, that he wasn't entirely against making mages tranquil for the sake of keeping the peace.

Macha's letter fell to the floor though when she noticed the second one, and immediately recognized the handwriting. Carver had written, and not to Mother like he always did, but to her. She settled down in the chair next to the writing desk and read his words several times.

_Dearest Marian,_

_How are you? I hope you and Mother are doing well. Things are good here. I've found my place among the templars. It's nice to have purpose, to be part of something bigger than myself... and you! All right, all right, I'll stop being a pain in the ass._

_It's not a perfect job, though. I don't really like what we do to the mages, but do we have a choice? It keeps everyone safe, and it's better than the alternative. Many mages understand that we're trying to help, even if our methods could use improvement._

_Unfortunately, there are extreme elements within the Order. Some argue for a permanent solution and have ideas I hope never take root. Makes me glad you and Bethany never had to live in a place like this._

_I'll wrap this up. Duty calls. Send my love to Mother._

_Your brother,_   
_Carver_

She hated how short it was, but Hawke cherished the first bit of contact she had from Carver since the last time she'd seen him. She wondered if Cullen had told him she came to see him? Perhaps it was his way of trying to make amends. Either way it didn't matter...she finally had words from her brother and he was safe. The mention of permanent solutions and extreme elements worried her, but she suspected he was mentioning what she was already aware of, Alrik's plan, which hopefully was a non-issue at this point.

Bodahn announced that Merrill had come to visit, and the elf met Hawke in the living room. "Oh, I'm sorry if I interrupted," the nervous mage said when she saw Hawke still seated, holding the letter.

"It's alright Merrill," Hawke said. "Got a letter from Carver today," she said with a smile.

"Oh, you've heard from your brother?" Merrill sat in the chair beside her. "Is he happy? With the templars I mean?"

Hawke gave her a curious glance. Merrill had never been one to ask about her family before. "Why trouble yourself over him?" she asked.

"I know how hard it is to give up everything and live amongst strangers," Merrill admitted. "I worry about him, and not just for his sake."

Hawke nodded. "This is the first I've heard from him. I worry too."

"Do you think he still resents you then?" Merrill asked. "I know he was angry when he left, but I hope you realize this wasn't your fault. One day he'll understand you were trying to protect him."

"Maybe with time he'll forgive me," Hawke whispered, staring down at his words again.

Merrill patted Hawke's knee. "Your brother loves you. He just doesn't show it very well. Things will be alright, somehow."

"Thank you Merrill," Hawke said, appreciating the kind words. "I'm sure you didn't come here to talk about my brother though. Everything okay with you?"

"Oh!" Merrill exclaimed, as if she just remembered herself why she was there. "Aveline was looking for you at the Hanged Man. Said you should go see Seneschal Bran when you have a moment. Something about the Qunari."

* * *

_Dearest Father,_

_Today I confess to you the horrendous actions that I have committed. I don't know how or why it came to be, but I lost my way. There is no excuse I can think of, nothing said or done to make me do such a thing, but Father I have now idea how I have come to such a dark place within myself._

_The day started out normal enough. Well, maybe not normal. I got a letter from Carver finally. He seems well if a little sad. I was so happy though that he had at least written, and didn't send some offhanded hello through a letter to Mother. I've read it a dozen times, wishing he were here. Maybe if he hadn't run off to join the templars he could've stopped me._

_I received word that the Seneschal wished to speak with me about some missing Qunari delegate. They were taken from the steps of the Viscounts Keep by an overzealous templar who believed they were nothing but filth and a danger to Kirkwall. I agreed with him Father. I didn't mind hearing that they had been taken, and cared even less when we found out Sister Petrice, I'm sorry, Mother Petrice now, was aware of their kidnapping._

_I went to confront her, thankful Sebastian wasn't at the Chantry when I did. I wasn't ready to see him. My heart is still heavy from the last time I saw him, when he and Cullen were both agreeing that mages were a danger to themselves and others. Sometimes I wonder if the differences between us are worth struggling with my feelings for him. It would've been much simpler to fall in love with Anders. But I digress._

_Petrice wasn't aware that her former bodyguard, Ser Varnell, was doing these things under the pretense that he had the Grand Cleric's permission. She gave him up quite easily then, seemingly more upset that it would've come back on her if word of Varnell's actions got to Elthina. I don't know why I agreed to help her in the first place, but I did, and followed her directions to where Varnell was holding the Qunari._

_We confronted Varnell. I knew the Seneschal's position on the Qunari, and Petrice, even Cullen said that they were heathens and the templars were prepared to defend the city against them. If no one in Kirkwall wants them here, why has it taken so long for any of them to do something about it? Varnell and Petrice may have gone about things the wrong way, but they had a point. How much longer were the Qunari supposed to be allowed to stay here, plotting and waiting for whatever it is they are here to do?_

_I wish Carver were with me today. I wish Aveline had stayed with us when we went to see Varnell. She bailed before we confronted Petrice, not wishing to get mixed up in confronting Elthina and starting a potential war of her own between the guard and Chantry. So I had Merrill, Fenris, and Isabela. None of them stopped me from making what was probably the biggest mistake of my life thus far._

_Fanatics. Zealots. All fueled with hatred for the Qunari. Varnell in charge of them all. And I fed off their hatred. Instead of stopping him from taking the lives of those Qunari, I encouraged him. Told him to do so swiftly and he did. Vernell slit their throats, the blood covering him after the deed, and I just stood there._

_In a matter of seconds the fanatics were attacking us, Varnell assuming I was playing some game with him when I was trying to prove to him that I was on his side. My friends sprung into action, defending me from the onslaught, but all I could do was look at the bodies of the fallen Qunari. The battle continued around me and I didn't even hear it. I had wanted them dead and dead they were. It wasn't until Fenris called out for healing that I snapped out of whatever trance I was in and helped them with the fight._

_I sent Isabela to retrieve the Viscount, to see what he suggested we do to fix this mess that I allowed to happen. He stood over the bodies, as shocked and in as much disbelief as I was, but for different reasons. He was at least satisfied with the knowledge that the group of fanatics were dead along with Varnell. We decided to burn the corpses, try to hide the torture the Qunari had endured by Varnell's hand. I'm sure that won't fool the Arishok, but I didn't know what else to do. My so-called friends had suddenly lost their tongues and said nothing to assist us._

_Maker, what do they think of me right now?_

_As much as I did not want to see Sebastian, I ran back to the Chantry, praying he was there and could help me. I needed to talk to someone, anyone, confess this horrible sin I'd committed. But he still wasn't there. Petrice was, nearly congratulating me for my part in her and Varnell's plan. I was so disgusted with her, with myself, I marched right up to Elthina and was prepared to tell her everything that had happened._

_When I asked her about the Chantry's stance on the Qunari, she remained as neutral as she always is. If the Qunari attack, the templars will defend. Until that day she will do nothing but wait. She had the nerve to tell me not to trouble myself. That she'd step in when it was time. It almost sounded as though she knew all along what was happening with her own people. Why did that surprise me, especially after she knew everything about Alrik and what happened with him and the Tranquil Solution? This woman is nearly as corrupt as those that follow her._

_But who am I to speak about corruption? My own hatred has corrupted me, caused me to do the unthinkable. You and Mother raised me to care about life, no matter what, and yet I was happy to see the Qunari fall. Each time I am presented with the opportunity, I can not see beyond the past and what their kind has done. If I can stand by and watch something like this, who can say whether or not I would be able to resist a demon or resorting to blood magic?_

_Oh Father, where are you? Where are you when I truly need you? I have never felt so lost and alone, and this letter to you has brought me little comfort. I know I must find a way to figure this out, find out why I can not control this anger and hate that dwells inside me. I just don't know how.  
_


	33. Calling on the Captain / The Long Road

_Dearest Father,_

_It's been some time since I talked to you about Aveline. She's been so busy in her new position as Captain that she rarely joins us on any of our missions. Besides the other day when she started off helping with the Qunari, she's been swamped with paperwork and jumping through hoops for the Seneschal. It was nice to catch up with her again this morning, even if she accused me of being the cause of some of her problems._

_She claims the fortune I brought back from the Deep Roads has caused some issues in Hightown. I suppose it could be true, a former noble returning to status. Also considering the amount of donating most of us have been doing, I see her point. Though she says it's mostly because of the anti-Ferelden folk in the city seeing one of us succeed, now there's panic in the streets. Personally I think she's reaching there a bit._

_Knowing Aveline as I do, she loves her job and wouldn't change it for the world. The guards respect her and appreciate her efforts in making their jobs easier and safer. She's great at what she does, and I feel guilty that maybe I have added to her headaches. I never bothered to think of how many times she or her guards have been left to cover up something for me... we do have a bad habit of leaving corpses lying all over Kirkwall sometimes._

_So when she asked me for a favor, which is very rare for her, I jumped at the opportunity. I was a bit confused at first when she wanted me to hand something to Donnic, a guard we had rescued a few years ago. He was only in the next room, but she insisted I do this and report back his reaction._

_Donnic and I chatted a bit about Gamlen and the ambush, and then I handed him the copper relief of marigolds. He seemed as confused as I was, to which Aveline was not happy. Next she had me posting the duty roster, and again Donnic was confused and even a little upset by the action. It took me a while to figure out exactly what Aveline was trying to do. Maker Father, if she would've just told me from the beginning she had feelings for the man, I could've stopped her from making a fool out of herself._

_I didn't realize Aveline had been alone since Wesley. This surprised me, though I don't know why. I have been alone too since... well, you know. This just gave me the motivation to help her. She was clearly struggling, and it broke my heart. Here she was finally ready to move on and she was frozen with fear. The fact that she is his boss doesn't make it any easier._

_I suggested Aveline meet with Donnic in some neutral setting outside of the barracks. Arranged for him to meet me at the Hanged Man where she could join us. After a very painful hour of silence between Donnic and I, who ended up thinking I was interested in him instead of Aveline, we came up with a better plan._

_Maker I hope this works out for her._

* * *

"Hawke, I was just coming to speak with you," Sebastian said when he found her exiting the mansion.

"Can you talk and walk at the same time?" she asked. "I promised Aveline I'd help her with something. In fact I could probably use your help."

Sebastian noticed she was geared for battle, but none of her other companions were with her. "Are you in some kind of trouble Hawke?"

She shook her head. "No, but I may run into some. If you're up for it, I'm headed to the Wounded Coast for some reconnaissance."

"You thought to do this alone?" Sebastian asked, disbelief clear in his tone. "Any place outside the city is not safe. Have you no one else to assist you?"

Hawke began walking in the direction of the city gates. "You don't have to come," she said over her shoulder as he followed. "Out of respect for Aveline's privacy I was going to do this on my own, but I'm sure she'd trust you to keep a secret if you wish to join me."

"Aye, I'd never forgive myself should something happen to you," Sebastian admitted.

Hawke ignored his last comment and remained silent as they exited the city and headed towards the coast. She was still upset with him for agreeing with Cullen that Alrik wasn't entirely wrong in his thinking to make it easier for mages to become tranquil. He knew what she was, and here he was again concerned about something happening to her? What did he care?

The silence didn't last long as they were attacked by a pack of wild mabari once they reached the coast. Hawke cast a shield around herself as the dogs came at her, and she froze them in place before backing up a few steps. Sebastian released his arrows on the animals, and with Hawke's assistance of a few spells they took out the dogs with ease. "You meant to do this yourself?" he asked again, slowing his breathing to balance the adrenaline rush.

"I needed a good fight," Hawke responded, dragging one of the corpses into a bush. "Let's me work things out in my head. Help me?"

Sebastian assisted her in moving the bodies off the road and then watched her release a flame spell on a large pole. She took his hand and pulled him behind the thick brush, gesturing with a finger to her lips for him to be quiet. They waited and watched in silence as Aveline approached with one of her guardsmen. Sebastian gave Hawke a questioning look but she just smiled and nodded in their direction, encouraging him to listen.

Hawke brought both her hands to her mouth in an attempt to thwart off the urge to giggle at her friends attempt at pickup lines. "It's a real nice night for an evening," Aveline had said to Donnic, causing even Sebastian to raise a brow.

Once they were out of ear shot, Hawke stood. "Maker, she's bad at this."

Sebastian brushed off some of the dirt from his armor. "I imagine there's a perfectly reasonable explanation for what's going on?"

Hawke nodded. "Yup, but no time to explain now. Come on, through this shortcut!"

They continued this way for a while, battling anyone and anything that got in their way. Some battles were harder than others, and Hawke felt bad after the first time she'd had to heal Sebastian. She didn't mean for him to get injured on this excursion, but to her surprise he didn't mind. "This is much more exciting than the Chantry!" Sebastian had exclaimed during a hectic moment being surrounded by raiders. She couldn't help but smile at that, and at seeing how much fun he was truly having. She suddenly wondered why he'd want to spend all his time serving the Maker when it was clear he had skills beyond the Chantry walls?

After watching Aveline fail yet again at her attempts to casually speak with Donnic, something about blades, Sebastian finally realized what was happening. "Is she trying to court him?"

Hawke laughed. "Figured it out did you? Not successfully apparently. Only one more signal left to clear up to. If she doesn't work it out by then, I may have to take matters into my own hands."

Sebastian shook his head. "Why doesn't she just tell him the truth? Would be easier than this."

"Painful, isn't it." Hawke helped him retrieve a few of his arrows. "Aveline's just nervous. She hasn't cared for anyone since her husband died. Admitting to yourself that you've moved on after a love like that is scary enough. Now try to start something new? It can be terrifying."

"You sound as if you have experience in this," Sebastian questioned, and then immediately regretted doing so. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to pry it's just... "

"I do," Hawke admitted to him as they began to walk down the path again. "I was engaged once, back in Lothering."

His curiosity got the better of him. "But you didn't marry," he said more as a statement than a question, for some reason hoping it was true.

She inhaled deeply and released the breath slowly before responding. "No. Jeremy was killed before we had the opportunity to wed." Seeing no harm in telling him the complete story now, Hawke continued. "He and his entire family were murdered by a Qunari. Explains the extreme dislike I have for them I guess."

"You have my condolences Hawke," Sebastian offered. "I'm sorry I didn't know."

Hawke shrugged. "How would you have known?" She quickly pulled him behind a large boulder. He was startled when he recovered his balance to discover his face was mere inches from hers. "Shhh," she whispered with a grin as Aveline and Donnic approached.

Being in such close proximity to her, watching her tongue sweep her lips, Sebastian struggled to resist the sudden urge to kiss her. Seeing the brief flicker of sadness in her eyes when she spoke of her lost fiance, and still regretting what had happened between them when last they spoke, these thoughts he had of her were inappropriate, and he inwardly scolded himself. But the wind carried the scent of her and it consumed him. Without realizing he was doing so, Sebastian leaned in closer, wetting his own lips in anticipation of tasting hers.

He nearly got a mouthful of her robes when Hawke suddenly stood, oblivious to his actions, and confronted both Aveline and Donnic as they approached. "Hawke?" Aveline said her name with surprise. "What a surprise! What are you doing here?"

Hawke could no longer sit idly by and watch her friend make a fool out of herself. "Aveline," she replied with a scolding tone.

"Hawke, don't," Aveline begged, though she knew the look in Hawke's eyes.

But she did. When Donnic questioned what was going on between the two of them, Hawke informed him of Aveline's desire for him. Donnic excused himself, clearly a bit embarrased. Aveline didn't take it well either, accusing Hawke of not being her friend and panicking over what Donnic was going to do with this new information. She ordered Hawke and Sebastian to return to Kirkwall with her, and demanded Hawke speak with Donnic to fix this mess.

* * *

_Donnic wasn't nearly as upset with her as Aveline believed. When we returned to the barracks he was waiting for her, and insisted on a private moment alone. What followed next were a series of giggles and moans from her office, so Sebastian and I left the two of them alone._

_On the way back to the Chantry, Sebastian finally spoke to me about what he had come to talk about when he showed up at my door. He apologized for the things he said last time we talked. He admitted that sometimes his judgment is clouded by the teachings of the Chantry and by Elthina. That provided me with the opportunity to get him to question his faith._

_I asked him this: should I die tomorrow, would you deny me a place beside the Maker simply because I am a mage? I believe in Him, I respect Him, and I pray to Him, but your Chantry would say that I am to find no rest in this world or beyond. If I am denied any chance at happiness in this life or the next, why wouldn't I turn to blood magic to survive? Why wouldn't I resist being made tranquil with every possible tool at my disposal? I have nothing to lose according to the words you as a Brother preach and support._

_I don't know if I pushed it too far Father, but I'm trying to make him see that not everything the Chantry stands for is equal and just. Having never truly associated with a mage I don't think he bothered to even try and see things from our perspective. He had no answer for what I said, so I know I at least have him thinking about it. I can almost picture him in his room at the Chantry going over his books trying to find an argument against what I've said._

_You know me Father, I'll be ready for the challenge when he is. Too bad Sebastian is going to lose. Silly Chantry boy.  
_


	34. Prime Suspect / All That Remains

_Dearest Father,_

_And here I thought there'd be nothing interesting to do today. I sat down to try and get through the dozens of letters I need to attend to (the stack just keeps growing with each passing day!) and Aveline stopped by. It was the first time she saw the estate completely finished with all of Mothers decorating, and I think she was a little taken aback by it all. Who can blame her? I'm overwhelmed by it sometimes. I miss our cozy little home in Lothering, less stairs, but I can't complain about the luxuries of baths and a full warm bed._

_Aveline said that templar, Emeric, the one from a few years ago that was looking into the disappearing women? He apparently had a lead that led him to a suspect and brought it to Aveline and the guard. Her men followed up and found nothing, but Emeric didn't want to let it go. I agreed to check it out, but only if she came with me._

_It seems after I helped her with Donnic, Aveline has taken it upon herself to become my matchmaker now. She only agreed to go if I brought Sebastian with us. I hesitated at first; there's still so much unsaid between he and I that I wasn't sure facing him right now would be a good thing. But she convinced me; a fun day of looking for a serial killer that didn't exist was exactly what we needed to start talking again. I wasn't so sure, so I brought Fenris along as well for backup. Those two seem to get along sometimes, or at least when they argue they keep me out of it._

_We went to the Gallows to talk to Emeric. I avoided Cullen the entire time, but I still felt his eyes on me. Fenris noticed it too, giving me that warning growl he does when he says my name. I assured him I wasn't going to start any trouble with the knight-captain and was only there to help Aveline. I did search the courtyard for Carver, but it seems yet again he wasn't around when I was there. I thought joining the templars was a better way for him to keep an eye on me? Or so he says, but I can never find him._

_I went to talk to Emeric, but it turned out to be more of a continued argument between him and Aveline. He claims the guard did nothing to help. Aveline says her men raided the suspect's mansion and found nothing, which led to her getting into a lot of trouble. The Knight-Commander herself had forbidden Emeric to look into it any further because of the heat that came down from harassing a noble. I get harassed all the time, why don't I have the luck of templars leaving me alone? Well, the more I think about it, maybe I do have that luck. I should keep my mouth shut._

_I don't understand why Aveline was so certain Emeric was wrong. After the evidence we found a few years ago it was clear there was a murderer in Kirkwall, and Emeric made the connection to a man named Gascard DuPuis. Aveline refused to come with us to investigate the place again, something about the Viscount threatening to remove her from her job if she harassed the noble again. So I enlisted Isabela's help and we waited for nightfall._

_Fenris allowed us to stay at his mansion. He told us that DuPuis was actually his neighbor and had suspected the man was up to no good, sneaking in and out at all hours of the night. We waited until we heard Dupuis come home and then Isabela was kind enough to let us in, and we checked into it for ourselves. Immediately attacked by demons and shades, it seemed we were in the right place._

_We found a note from First Enchanter Raddick of Starkhaven. That piqued Sebastian's interest. Apparently Gascard was inquiring into some missing mages from the Starkhaven circle; probably others that fled when Grace and them did. The First Enchanter ignored Gascard's request for information though according to the letter, stating that templars only are allowed to inquire about the mages. Sebastian kept the letter and said he'd look into it later._

_We also found the letter from Meredith offering her apologies for Emeric's involvement and the raid from the guards. I find it a bit odd though, after discovering that Gascard is a mage, that Meredith would even stoop so low as to apologize to him. Was it only because he is a noble? Is that why she's left me alone? Because of the nobility status? Fenris figured Gascard was just clever in complaining to the Knight-Commander about Emeric. That's one way to stop the investigation. But after we found Gascard, I believed his story._

_Yes, I jumped ahead before. Gascard is a mage. Blood mage at that. The murderer took his sister and he's been tracking him ever since. He had set up this little charade in the hopes of catching the killer, and instead got us. It made sense why Emeric kept finding things that pointed to Gascard since they were both searching for the same thing, they just didn't know it. I told Gascard I'd help him if I could, and went back to tell Emeric what we found out._

_Unfortunately the killer struck again while we were talking to Gascard. Someone sent Emeric a letter, claiming it was from me, and lured him to an alley near Lowtown. By the time we got there Emeric was already dead. Isabela thinks that Gascard was the one that killed him after we confronted him, but I don't agree with her. He wouldn't have had time to send a note to Emeric before we got there and then kill him. We went straight from Gascard's to the Gallows, it'd be impossible._

_So no closer to finding the killer, and I think I've seen enough of Isabela cheating Merrill at Diamondback for one night. Heading home Father; will write again tomorrow. Miss and love you._

* * *

"Is that yelling coming from your estate?" Sebastian asked as they approached Hawke's residence.

Hawke sighed as she opened the door. "Sounds like my adoring uncle," she said sarcastically as they proceeded into the living room.

Unfortunately she wasn't wrong. Gamlen was engaged in conversation with Sandal, though no one really conversed with the dwarf. As her uncle was learning, you could talk to Sandal all day, and his favorite response was nothing other than, "Enchantment!"

"What are you doing here?" Hawke asked Gamlen, remaining close to Sebastian. Seeing her uncle in the estate unsettled her for some reason. Being near him at all anywhere did.

"There you are," Gamlen turned his attention toward her, and then eyed Sebastian behind her. "Your mother didn't show up for our weekly visit. Is she ill? Would you have even noticed? Or were you too busy whoring about with that man behind you?"

Hawke clenched her teeth, placing a hand on Sebastian's arms when he had opened his mouth to protest. "Sebastian is a friend of mine Uncle. Do not disrespect him or I shall ask you to leave."

Gamlen shrugged but remained firm. "Fine fine, whatever. But your mother, is she here? It's not like her to miss a visit."

Regrettably Hawke didn't even know if her mother were home. She had been out all day and night dealing with Emeric and Gascard. She turned to Bodahn who had just entered the room. "Bodahn, is mother here?" she asked.

"No," was his response to her and Gamlen. "In fact we haven't seen her all day. I believe she is with her suitor perhaps."

Gamlen said the word as if it were impossible. "Suitor? Leandra never mentioned any suitor."

Bodahn was happy to inform them of Leandra's newest friend. "A fine gentleman. Even sent her those white lilies this morning."

Hawke felt the blood drain from her face, and her knees nearly gave out supporting her. Sebastian was immediately beside her, holding on to her elbow to assist. "White lilies," she whispered. "Oh no, oh Maker no."

"Are you daft woman?" Gamlen snapped. "What is it?"

She walked toward the flowers, removed one from the vase and held it in her shaking hand. "There's a killer in Kirkwall," she answered. "He sends his victims white lilies before he takes them; he's murdered several women already." Hawke avoided Gamlen's stare and looked up at Sebastian. "We have to tell Gascard. He might be able to help."

Sebastian nodded. "Your uncle should return to his home in case Leandra arrives. We should get Fenris and head to Darktown immediately."

"And Anders," Hawke added, not wanting to think of her mother possibly hurt but knowing Anders was the best healer between them. "Bodahn, please inform Aveline everything that I've just told you."

The dwarf nodded, exiting the estate immediately with Sandal. "Find her," Gamlen said to Hawke before he left as well.

Hawke turned her attention back to the vase of flowers. She carefully returned the one she had removed and arranged them as they were before she touched them. A second later the vase went flying toward the stairs, shattering into several pieces against the railing. Water cascaded down the first three steps where the remains had landed, and she watched as the rug absorbed it.

His arms were around her in an instant, his armor pressing into her as he held her back to his chest. "We'll find her Hawke," Sebastian assured her.

She allowed herself a minute to take comfort in his words before nodding, and then they too left to begin the search for Leandra.

* * *

Fenris, Sebastian, and Hawke made their way to Darktown. After stopping in Anders' clinic and filling him in on what was happening, Anders led them to the other side of Darktown where he had heard Gascard was hiding. The blood mage was there, and offered his assistance to Hawke.

When he found out her mother was missing, Gascard offered her a way to find her. It seems the killer had recently taken Alessa as well, the woman Gascard had used for bate in the trap Hawke stepped into inadvertently. His original plan was to track the killer using Alessa's blood, which he still had, and offered to do the spell now to find Hawke's mother.

She didn't hesitate in allowing him to do so. "Use the blood," she told him. "I need to find my mother." And to Hawke's surprise, none of her friends tried to talk her out of it either.

Hawke had witnessed Merrill use blood magic before, but that was nothing compared to what Gascard had done. After slitting his hand he levitated, and then nearly choked on his own blood when he fell to the ground. The unnatural feeling in the air disturbed Hawke physically as she felt demons from the Fade honing in on the magic like a beacon. She was certain Anders felt it too when she turned to see him and his eyes were tightly shut. Sebastian stood speechless, and Fenris remained neutral.

After completing the spell, Gascard led them to the Foundry where they had found the bones from the previous women a few years ago. A passageway they hadn't noticed before was suddenly visible, and Hawke began running through the underground chasing a trail of blood. The others tried to stop her by calling out to her, but she could no longer hear them. Her heart pounding in her chest was the only sound she could focus on, and she didn't stop until she was forced to by demons, corpses, and shades.

The rest was all a blur to her. Hawke barely remembered the remains of Alessa, whom she thought was her mother at first. Or the several attacks that her friends and Gascard assisted her with. She hadn't bothered to register the notes they'd found about preserving skin, or hands and feet. The painting they found that looked like Leandra, or the locket, or the books on necromancy... none of it sunk in until the deformed stitched together corpse came walking toward her.

She vaguely remembered that Gascard had lied. Had been seeking the murderer, Quentin, to learn from him instead of wanting revenge. "Don't you see what he's done?" Hawke asked Gascard, still in shock and disbelief as what was left of her mother looked on.

Gascard helped them in the end. Dispatching more demons, raised shades, vile smelling corpses, and finally Quentin himself. As she stood among the carnage, staring out into what seemed like endless bodies, filth and decay, the sound of shuffling feet brought her attention back to her mother.

Leandra fell into her daughters arms. Anders apologized behind her, informing her there was nothing he could do. Again Hawke heard none of it, and could only focus on the pale white flesh that was similar to her mothers, but wasn't really hers. Only her voice was the same, as Leandra assured her daughter she was ready to be reunited with Bethany and Malcolm. Final words of pride and love drifted from dry chapped lips, and then Hawke's mother was gone.

* * *

Sebastian entered her bedroom quietly, hoping he'd find her asleep. It had been hours since they returned from the Foundry, after Aveline and her guards showed up to remove Leandra and clean up the mess Quentin had left behind. Hawke hadn't said a word the entire time, and when the silence from her room started to worry him, Sebastian decided to check on her.

But she wasn't asleep. She sat on the edge of her bed, staring off at nothing. He cleared his throat to announce his presence without startling her, and she turned to look at him. "Is this the part where you tell me she's in a better place? That's all anyone ever said after Father died."

He walked over to the bed and sat beside her. "If that would help you to hear," Sebastian answered. "Though I doubt it."

"You'd be correct," she answered, turning away from him to watch the fire.

"Is there anything you need me to do?" Sebastian asked. "I could inform your brother if you'd rather not."

She shook her head. "My uncle said he'd take care of that. Right after he blamed me for everything that has happened."

Sebastian placed his hand on hers. "You don't believe that, do you? There are so many others to blame in this. The man responsible, or DuPuis. But not you."

Her expression changed at the mention of Gascard, and she startled Sebastian when she stood. "Is Fenris still here?" she asked.

He nodded. "Aye. He's downstairs with the others."

Hawke immediately exited the bedroom and made her way down the stairs. She hadn't expected everyone to still be in the estate, but they were. All of her friends had gathered, for support she assumed, but there was only one thing on her mind. She ignored them as she moved through the living room and to the foyer to find Fenris seated on the bench. "Come with me," she said to him.

Fenris looked over her shoulder at Sebastian who had joined them. A questioning glance caused Sebastian to shrug. "Hawke, what is going on?"

"You can come too," she told Sebastian. "But there's something I need to take care of."

Sebastian assured the others she'd be alright and that they should all go home, and then he caught up with Fenris and Hawke as they moved swiftly through Hightown. Fenris didn't bother to ask Hawke where she was going, and Sebastian was content with her at least moving with some purpose for the first time since the Foundry. It wasn't until they had reached Darktown that Sebastian figured out where she was headed.

Gascard nearly ran into them coming down the stairs as he was attempting to flee. But Hawke pushed him back, Sebastian and Fenris remained on either side of her preventing him from moving any further. "Hawke," he called to her, his voice revealing his fear. "I was just coming to thank you, for showing me what a monster Quentin was." He hesitated, trying to find a way past the three of them. "I am really sorry about your mother."

"It's your fault she's dead," Hawke spat the words with disgust. "You knew him all along. You could've helped me stop this!"

"How was I supposed to know he was going to take your mother?" Gascard asked.

Hawke turned to Fenris, her eyes saying what she could not. He did not hesitate in his movements, one swift fluid motion and suddenly he was in front of them, his markings lit and his hand through Gascard's chest. "That pain you feel is just the beginning, mage" Fenris growled as he tightened his grip, twisting his arm through flesh and bone to cause as much damage as possible without killing the man.

Gascard was quick to reveal the entire story then. The truth behind his lies. That he had experimented on another woman when Quentin refused to teach him everything he knew. That he never had a sister that Quentin had killed. The more Hawke heard, the more she hated him, and hated herself for falling for his lies. "Please," Gascard begged. "Are you going to let him kill me? It won't bring your mother back!"

"No, it won't bring her back," Hawke whispered. "But it will make me feel better."

"Marian, don't," Sebastian spoke up. "You don't want to do this."

"You got your revenge," Hawke answered angrily. "I gave it to you. Now allow me to have mine."

"I can not stop you," Sebastian said as he moved in front of her, obstructing her view of Fenris and Gascard. "But you will hate yourself tomorrow if you do this, you know this to be true. You mustn't let your emotions rule in a time like this." He brought his hand to her face, gently caressing her cheek until she looked up at him. "Trust me on this, please."

Every thought in her head screamed for revenge, but his words touched her heart. She closed her eyes, leaning into his palm, and the tears finally fell. Sebastian pulled her into him and turned toward Fenris who had already removed his hand from Gascard's chest.

"I will see he find his way to the Gallows," Fenris informed them, pushing the blood mage toward the stairs and leaving the two of them alone.

Sebastian continued to hold her, stroking her hair and allowing her the release of emotion she desperately needed. When Hawke was so exhausted she could no longer stand, he picked her up and carried her to Anders' clinic, where he remained by her side through the night.


	35. A Bitter Pill

_Dearest Father,_

_I received a letter today from Feynriel that nearly broke my heart. He's not having an easy time with the Dalish. He claims the elders fear him and the younger elves won't accept him. I understand how he feels, that sense of being alone even when surrounded by people. He ended the letter saying I was the only person he could trust; again, my heart breaks. The poor thing can't even turn to his own mother after she tried to have him committed to the circle. I decided to go and see him._

_I asked Merrill if she wanted to come along, maybe visit some of her old friends and help Feynriel feel a little less alone. Went to invite Fenris to get him out of his dusty old mansion and Sebastian was there. Apparently those two talk now? Both were willing to take the trip to Sundermount, I think more because they didn't like the idea of me traveling alone with Merrill._

_We were ambushed outside the city by some slavers. They demanded I step away from Fenris and allow them to recapture him. Fools, that wasn't going to happen. One look at Sebastian and he nodded, secretly reaching for his bow, and the fight was on. It was unfortunate so many Tevinters had to lose their lives, but I had no intention of letting them take Fenris. He's become someone I can count on, a true friend, and I'd kill a hundred more if it meant keeping him safe from his former master._

_As the battle heated up I kept expecting Danarius to show up. That was my biggest fear. But when Fenris questioned the last remaining slaver, we found out Danarius' apprentice Hadriana was the one that was in town. She was hiding in some old caves, and Fenris wanted to go after her immediately._

_I couldn't delay, we had to strike quickly before the woman had a chance to flee, or worse find a way to recapture Fenris. The trip to Sundermount had to be delayed. I think Merrill was upset about that, but I didn't see any choice in the matter. Her clan would still be there tomorrow, Hadriana wouldn't be._

_I wish now Merrill hadn't come with us. Fenris' anger and hate for mages, blood mages in particular, only grew as we got closer to Hadriana. One of the first rooms we entered had a corpse on the table, drained of blood. Fenris explained he was used for blood magic, and Merrill couldn't believe her eyes. This led to an argument between the two of them when Fenris warned her she was only a step away from killing someone. "Mages always find a way to justify their need for power," he had said. I don't know how Merrill felt about his words, but they still haunt me._

_More violence and death around every corner. We rescued a young elf who now resides here at the estate. Her father was killed to fuel Hadriana's power. As she explained to us how her father was bled dry, Sebastian made a comment about how this was just more proof why the Maker turned His back on His children. Do you believe that Father? Is that true? Are we all damned because of magic? How is that fair when we were born with it! I didn't ask for this curse, no mage did, and yet we are constantly punished for it. But I've written about this before. Maybe I'll ask Sebastian to elaborate on his comment next time I see him._

_The elf had nowhere else to go and so I offered her a place to stay and a job. Fenris seemed to appreciate that, after I explained to him that I wasn't taking her on as a slave. He knows me better than that, I was surprised he even thought such a thing. I guess he was just on edge because he was so close to confronting someone who had tormented him. I won't hold it against him. I also won't judge him for lying to her either. When we found Hadriana, Fenris had assured her he wouldn't kill her. But he did. And I don't blame him. After what happened with Mother, I don't blame him at all. How can I?_

_Fenris ended up leaving after saying some pretty hurtful things to me about mages. I agreed with him on everything he said, for all the reasons I stated above. Magic is a curse and mages are dangerous. I know he left me with a lot to think about, and Merrill too. She hadn't said a word as Fenris went on about how all mages should rot, and everything we touch is spoiled. I expected her to say something, but in that moment I think we both felt a bit of guilt for what Fenris has had to deal with, even if we weren't directly involved._

_Fenris was waiting for me at the estate when we returned from the caves. He apologized for the things he said, not wishing it to tarnish our friendship. And then he opened up a bit about the hate he still felt for those who had tortured him. I don't imagine you get over something like that quickly. We did find out from Hadriana though that Fenris has a sister. I'm hoping he looks into finding her, at least then maybe he won't be so alone in this world. I can only do so much as a friend, but family can do so much more._

* * *

Hawke looked up as a shadow came over the letter she had been writing. She smiled and moved over on the bench to allow Sebastian to sit, which he did. "I thought you returned to the Chantry," she said folding the parchment in her lap.

"Aye, I meant to," Sebastian told her. "I had gone to see Fenris first and he told me he had come to apologize."

Hawke nodded. "He did. I don't blame him for what he said. It's not anything I haven't thought of about myself before, and he has every reason to hate mages."

"He was fairly harsh in his choice of words," Sebastian commented. "But indeed you are right, he is a troubled soul, which is why I am here. I came to ask something of you."

Hawke raised a brow as she studied the young prince. "Oh? I admit I'm curious. What is it?"

Sebastian turned so that he was looking directly at her. "What Fenris did to Hadriana, killing her with such rage as he did, it's not healthy for him. And I'm not blaming you for allowing it to happen, but if anyone could've prevented her death it would have been you."

She hadn't expected that, and Hawke found it difficult to respond to him. "You... you believe I would've spared her life? After what she had done to him? I'm sorry Sebastian, you must think me kinder than I really am." She turned away, ashamed to admit what she said next. "I'm glad she's dead. And I regret that Gascard isn't dead as well."

"He is," Sebastian told her, causing her eyes to widen. "Gascard did not make it to the Gallows."

"Fenris?"

"Aye," Sebastian nodded. "He told me so himself. I am the last person to lecture on revenge, as you pointed out the other day, but Fenris has suffered more than any of us. Should he choose the wrong path and give into his hate and anger..."

"We'll lose him," Hawke finished his thought for him. She couldn't admit the sudden joy she felt at knowing Gascard was dead, but what did that say for her? Instead of telling Fenris it was wrong to kill him and Hadriana, she'd already confirmed to Fenris that she was glad Hadriana was dead. All she wanted to do now was thank him for Gascard, but Sebastian was right. How many more deaths can Fenris cause before he becomes numb to it?

And then there was the deal she had made with Fenris. None of the others knew of it, and now she wondered if it was the wrong thing to do. "Sebastian, I may have created more of a problem than you think," she admitted.

"Oh?"

Hawke sighed. "Would you like to come inside? I fear this will lead to a lengthy discussion."

Nodding, Sebastian stood and offered his hand to her. She accepted, and the two went into the estate. It was a lengthy discussion indeed; Sebastian left as the sun began to rise, and even though he was exhausted, he immediately went to Fenris to confront him on this deal he had made with Hawke. He would make Fenris break this promise to Hawke no matter what the consequences may be.


	36. Questioning Beliefs - Sebastian

"Sweet blessed Andraste, what were you thinking?" Sebastian asked Fenris before the former slave could even shut the front door.

Fenris ignored his question as he retreated back up the stairs to the only room in the old mansion that he occupied. When he heard Sebastian's footsteps behind him, he knew the man wasn't going to go away easily. "I can only assume by your anger that this is about the arrangement I have with Hawke?"

Blue eyes widened as they looked upon the elf. "Arrangement? That is what you call this.. this madness?"

Fenris turned to look at him. "If she told you what was discussed then she must have told you her reasons behind her decision. You should respect her for it."

Sebastian raised his arms in the air out of frustration. "I trust you as a friend of hers to talk her out of such foolishness. To agree to murder her..."

"To protect her from herself," Fenris corrected. "She is wise to fear the power she possesses. Tell me you would not do the same if you witnessed a demon taking hold of her? Knowing that is her greatest fear, you would do nothing to help her?"

His words held some truth, though Sebastian didn't want to admit it. "But to kill her?"

"She would be dead already," Fenris pointed out. "You being here is proof you could not convince her otherwise, nor will you convince me."

Falling into a long forgotten chair, Sebastian ignored the dust that escaped the cushion under his weight. "We have led her down this path. We have convinced her she carries this curse that will inevitably lead to such destruction."

Fenris raised a brow as he considered Sebastian's statements. "Was it not you just yesterday that reminded her the Maker turned His back on His children for being what she was? It is the Chantry you devote yourself to that condemns her, and rightly so given all we have seen."

"Then perhaps it is I who has failed," Sebastian realized. "The Chantry deserves no such loyalty if it condemns someone for being what they had no choice in being."

"Or your feelings cloud your judgment," Fenris dared to say. "Either way, that is your burden, not mine. I am painfully aware what mages are capable of, as is Hawke. For her to recognize her own weakness is admirable, and I will not go back on my word."

* * *

_Dearest Father,_

_I spent the better part of an evening trying to make Sebastian see my side of things. Being a mage is difficult, it comes with consequences that we must be aware of. You did your best to instill that in me by forbidding blood magic and warning me of how demons can take hold of us. I can't help but wonder if I am strong enough, if put in some imaginary situation that the option to turn to the dark power wouldn't seem so bad if it could right some terrible wrong. Is there a balance to it all? I suppose we'll never know until the time comes._

_Sebastian made some valid arguments of his own, though I think he left here struggling with his own demons. I went to see him earlier, not comfortable with the way we had left things, and I found him arguing with Elthina. Their voices echoed through the Chantry, though I couldn't make out what they were saying. When I approached the two, Elthina turned to me and begged me to talk some sense into Sebastian._

_When I asked him what he had done to upset her so, he explained to me that he had made a mistake. Claimed he had a moment of weakness, and during that time had turned his back against the Maker. He was begging Elthina for another chance at becoming a brother of the Chantry, and Elthina rightly called it just another whim. I wasn't sure why he was suddenly so pro-Chantry again after our discussion, but then when he told me spoke with Fenris, it became clear._

_He didn't want to jump into the unknown again. Having me in his life, forcing him to question the teachings of the Chantry, was making him uncomfortable. I am a walking contradiction he claimed; a mage that believes in the Maker and His words, yet still a mage, something damned by the Maker himself. If I could have enough faith in the Maker being what I am, that somehow made him a lesser man, and so he had to redevote himself to the Chantry and ask for forgiveness._

_Does any of that make sense Father? Because it certainly didn't to me. I get that I'm a contradiction. What I didn't understand is why he felt he wasn't just as worthy in the Maker's eyes. Because he had sinned, he said. Because he questioned, just for a moment, the teachings of the Chantry. And because he had feelings for me, and I am a mage. For him to admit he had feelings for me warmed my heart, but it iced over just as quickly when I realized he was throwing himself at Elthina's feet to get away from those feelings, and had considered them just another sin._

"So everything you said to me last night was a lie then?" Hawke asked, anger keeping the tears from falling.

Sebastian shifted uncomfortably. "No, that's not what I mean at all."

"You caring about me is a sin," she repeated. "You said it yourself. I have caused you to doubt the Maker. I have burdened you with feelings that you can't give in to because you swore before the Maker you'd take no bride except Andraste. Have I missed anything so far?"

"Hawke," Sebastian tried to answer, but she wasn't finished.

"'Magic exists to serve man, and never to rule over him. Foul and corrupt are they who have taken His gift and turned it against His children.' That's how it goes, isn't it?" She paused, seeing the surprise in his eyes as she quoted from the Canticle of Transfigurations. "Tell me when I have used my magic to rule over man. Show me where I have turned it against His children? To protect others? To protect you! You are so quick to turn your back on me because of feelings? Yet you had no problem turning your back on the Maker when you sought revenge for your family!"

Sebastian lowered his head, ashamed that her words rang true. "Maker forgive me..."

"He has," Hawke told him, lowering her voice to a more calming tone. "I asked you earlier if you saw yourself as a prince or a priest, and you said you were praying for guidance about that decision. Did you ever consider that maybe this is your answer? You said staying with the Chantry brought you a sense of peace, but I don't see peace within you now. I see the same turmoil in your eyes that I see in mine. Fear of the unknown, of what's to come and if you're strong enough to handle it."

His eyes met hers, and he knew she was right again. "I could lock myself in my room as much as you want to lock yourself within these walls," Hawke continued. "But what good can we do while secluded? You can choose to be a priest, or a prince, or none of those. Just as I can choose to hide or to help people, or sit back and watch the injustice in the world happen around me. I can still lead my life the way I hope will give me favor with the Maker when my time comes, and it should be our faith in Him that allows us to make mistakes and know we'll be forgiven."

A smile curled his lip as Sebastian spoke. "Is it not I that should be preaching to you?"

She offered him a one-shouldered shrug. "Not if you choose to be Prince. Prince's are much more sexier, and you get to do whatever you want with me."

_I probably shouldn't have shared that last detail with you Father, sorry. I was in the moment. Anyway, that's where we left it; the torn and slightly embarrassed soon to be prince or priest, and me, still as lost and confused as ever. I do know that the agreement with Fenris stands, and I also believe everything I said to Sebastian. I have to believe it, I have to think that the Maker can forgive. Otherwise, what's the point in striving to be the best person you can be?_

_I know I'll still slip occasionally here and there, and may not make the best decisions in His eyes, but all we can do is learn from our mistakes and go forward. That lesson you taught me well, I just needed a reminder._


	37. Questioning Beliefs - Fenris

When Hawke walked into the mansion, she took a moment at the door to try and calm herself. Her anger was still dangerously close to the surface, and if she didn't get it under control, she feared the damage that may be done to their friendship.

Just who did he think he is, involving himself in her personal affairs? Yes Fenris was a good friend, a dear friend, the brother she had been missing while Carver was away, but he had no right to speak with Sebastian about her. Hawke was furious with him, and while marching over here to confront him seemed like a good idea at the time, now she wasn't so sure.

Throughout their friendship Fenris has always looked out for her. Regardless of the fact that she was a mage, he took care of her. The day she approached him and asked him to kill her should she become possessed, he did in fact struggle with the decision for a while. In the end he admitted he had more respect for her because she wasn't blind to the possibility that it may happen, unlike Merrill. He agreed to give her piece of mind, and because he felt it was a worthy request.

Even so, having control over her life literally should the moment arise did not mean he could control every other aspect of her life.

She considered leaving, but Fenris called to her from the top of the stairs. "I've been expecting you," he said before disappearing into his room again. Taking a deep breath, Hawke slowly made her way to him, clenching her fists to release some rage.

From the looks of things, Fenris was having a one-man party. The long table was covered with burning candles and random parchments, but in front of Fenris lay three empty wine bottles. He held a fourth to his lips, consuming a large swig as she entered the room. She tried to recall ever seeing him drink this much alcohol, and to her knowledge he hadn't. Games at the Hanged Man he'd have one or two drinks, but this was slightly more than one or two.

"Last bottle of the Aggregio," Fenris said, holding it up for her. "I've been saving it for a special occasion."

Hawke eyed the bottle for a second, and then decided perhaps some wine would be best to calm her nerves. Helping herself to a sip she asked, "And what's that?"

"The anniversary of my escape!" He exclaimed, taking the bottle back from her to indulge some more.

This was a topic they had barely touched on when Hadriana died, so when Fenris offered to tell her the story, suddenly all of her anger disappeared. He had spent countless nights listening to her talk, her struggles and concerns, but rarely did he open up to her. She sat back in the chair and settled in as he began to tell his story.

* * *

_Dearest Father,_

_I think I understand now why Fenris and I are so close. We both share demons from our past that haunt us to this day. Although I had gone there to confront him on whatever it was he told Sebastian, I left his home with a heavy heart, for I now know the burdens he carries with him. They are no different from my own. Well, I was never a slave, but_ _we both have regrets over lives we have taken in the past._

_Hearing about his time with Danarius was difficult. I can not even begin to imagine what life would be like as a slave. To only concern yourself with pleasing the person who owned you, surviving by just trying to get through the next hour? I admire him for all he has endured, to be able to even function in this world after going through something like that._

_I admit Sebastian's words echoed in my mind. That we need to be careful with Fenris and how he could take a darker path if we allow it. After listening to him tonight I agree, we should do everything within our power to free him from Danarius once and for all and try to lighten some of this hate he holds inside him. I wonder if having his memories back would help with that or make it worse? What if he was a hateful person before he became a slave?_

_Maybe he needs a second chance to forgive himself. He says he never truly lived until he was with these fog warriors. That they were bold, strong, and free with their affections... that's similar to our group, some more freer with their affections than others! But we do fight for our friends and for what's right, at least we try to. So maybe he can find that sense of peace again with us if he continues to stay with us. I think he fears he would turn on us too if Danarius had returned and told him to do so, but I don't think so. I have faith in the bonds we've created that he wouldn't. He may not believe that, but I do. Well, at least he wouldn't kill me, I don't know about Anders..._

_I think I will encourage him to find his sister. Maybe she can help him somewhere where I can't. As close as some of us are with each other, there's nothing closer than family. If he could just talk to her, get to know what he was like before Danarius, maybe things would be better._

_As for whatever he said to Sebastian, I guess I'll have to let that go for now. I'm sure whatever Fenris said he meant it in the spirit of being protective, so I'll try to remember that before I go storming over there again to take his head off. He really is a good friend, I am lucky to have him in my life._


	38. The Fixer / The Lost Patrol

"Sebastian Vael to see you," Bodahn announced to Hawke, who was seated at the dining table with several parchments spread out before her.

She sighed. "Still so formal Bodahn, even though you know there's no need. You can send him in."

Bodhan bowed before gesturing for Sebastian to enter, and then offered them refreshments and something to eat. Hawke smiled as Sebastian sat down at the table, accepting Bodahn's offer for some fruit. She wasn't sure what had brought him to visit, but she was glad. "Trouble?"

"Not at all," Sebastian replied. "Though it looks like I'm interrupting some very important letter reading."

Hawke laughed as she looked at the stack of notes. "My mother used to take care of most of these for me," she said with a touch of sadness in her voice. "Unfortunately I've let them pile up as of late. It seems the more I do for Kirkwall, the more Kirkwall wants from me."

Sebastian glanced at the letters. "May I offer assistance?"

"Maker, please," she said handing him a stack. "I have a pile for junk, things to reply to, and things that need doing," Hawke explained pointing out the three piles.

Bodahn delivered drink and food and the two began sorting through the mound of paperwork. "Here's a nice one," Sebastian commented as he handed her a letter from Macha to read, thanking her for her assistance with her brother Keran a few years ago.

"Aww, that was sweet of her," Hawke said. "I should check on Keran one of these days, or maybe ask Carver if he can keep an eye on him."

Sine she had brought up Carver, Sebastian took the opportunity to ask, "Have you been to see your brother? Since your Mother..."

"No," Hawke quickly answered. "I know Uncle Gamlen went to see him, but I haven't." She knew what his next words were going to be, and chose to end the conversation for him when she read over another letter. "I'm going, soon. Promise. Who is Corbinian?"

Whatever encouraging words Sebastian was going to reply with about Carver left his mind at the mention of Corbinian. "How in the Maker's name... Corbinian is my cousin. But how did you..."

She waved the letter in front of him. "It's from Lord Falk of Starkhaven. He claims to represent Prince Corbinian Vael, the true heir to the throne. I thought you were the rightful heir to the throne?"

"Corbinian is my cousin," Sebastian explained. "No remaining noble in their right mind would put him on the throne. Besides the criminal ties he has within the city, my cousin is a bit of a con artist, and all of Starkhaven knows it."

"Says here he has some money stashed away in Antiva," Hawke explained as she continued reading. "He wishes to use that fortune to hire an army to retake the throne. All I need to do is open an account in Kirkwall so the money can be transferred safely and quietly without arousing suspicion."

Sebastian laughed. "I suppose you need to keep a hundred sovereigns in this account for the transfer yes? It is an old con my cousin has tried throughout the years, though usually he claims to be representing some rich noble that passed away and left no heirs, offering the deceased's money to random strangers. If you don't mind, I would like to respond to that one personally."

Hawke shook her head, handing him the letter. "By all means. Send him my regards and thank him for considering me important enough for such a task," she joked.

Going through his stack, Sebastian found one from Elren, the father of the girl Lia that was nearly killed by the Magister's son Kelder. He tossed it in the reply pile to be dealt with later. He wasn't familiar with that particular story, but the letter implied the girl wasn't doing too well. Hoping to shield Hawke another day from the sad news, he kept it from her for now.

Finding a more positive letter, Sebastian handed her one of thanks from the boy who was working for Athenril that she allowed to escape for a better life. His sisters were now maids and he was living the life of a shepherd, starting his own flock and farming as his father had before him. Hawke smiled at that one, feeling good about the decision to help the boy leave Athenril's employ.

They spent the rest of the morning sorting through other letters, some from old friends in Lothering, others addressed to Gamlen about some debts he had yet to pay. Sebastian hid another in the reply pile that was addressed to Leandra from a friend of hers in Redcliffe. In just two hours they had managed to get through all of them, Hawke reading the last.

She could not contain the giggles as she read the letter. When Sebastian gave her a questioning glance, she held on to her side, feeling the oncoming pain from laughing so hard. "Maybe you'd like to save this one? Just in case?"

Sebastian grinned at her giddiness as he took the letter. Reading it, for a moment his face turned as red as his armor.

_Feeling Inadequate? Flag flying at half-mast? Does your soldier not stand to attention? Does your dwarf shy away from the Deep Roads? Come to Jorman's Apothecary and ask for our Special Sauce. Our Special Sauce is infused with the essence of fifty-two herbs. It's completely natural, completely safe, and ABSOLUTELY EFFECTIVE. You will never feel the same again!_

_Be the man other men want to be. Be the man you DESERVE to be._

Sebastian stood, crinkling up the letter and tossing it onto the table. He bent down and kissed the top of her head. "I assure you Hawke, I have no problems in _that d_ epartment," he said before exiting the estate to return to the Chantry. Hawke turned a brighter shade of red than Sebastian had as she rested her forehead on the table, fighting the images of Sebastian's "soldier" that flooded her mind.

* * *

_Dearest Father,_

_I had an enjoyable morning spending some time with Sebastian. It was nice to just sit for a while, going through some letters and laughing comfortably. He's being very kind, checking up on me. I know that's what he's doing, even if he won't admit it. A few of my friends have just "dropped by" since Mother's been gone. It's sweet of them, but sometimes I wonder if they are just waiting for me to completely lose it. I haven't Father, not yet anyway. But Sebastian bringing up me not seeing Carver probably has something to do with that._

_Truth is I've been avoiding my brother again. I'm terrified he'll blame me for not saving Mother. After all the blame Mother put on me for Bethany, I don't think I could take it from Carver. There's so much distance between us already, I fear this may be what tears us apart forever. And I don't want to lose my brother. He's all I have left. But I made a promise to see him, and so I will, very soon._

_While sorting through correspondences this morning I came across one asking for my assistance in disposing of "formerly living things." The wording of the letter was disturbing, and I'm ashamed to admit I hid it from Sebastian because it mentioned my burning of the Qunari bodies a few years ago. That's not something I am proud of, and this letter just meant that others are aware of my actions. What kind of reputation do I have with some organizations I wonder?_

_I decided to act on the letter, find out all I could about who sent it. I was instructed to visit the docks, Lowtown, and Darktown. Not sure what I was walking into, I took Varric and Isabela with me. The two of them are no strangers to the shadier sides of Kirkwall, so I figured they'd be more than happy to come along. Merrill ended up tagging along only because she was at the Hanged Man when I arrived._

_When we got to the docks I was immediately confronted by a Qunari outside their compound. He told me a patrol had recently gone missing along the Wounded Coast and asked me if I had anything to do with it. Of course I didn't, and told him so. Strangely he believed me and let me go about my business without another word. Which reminds me, I need to ask Isabela why she keeps avoiding any talks with the Qunari. The minute we were approached she suddenly found someone else very interesting to talk to and didn't join us again until we were done._

_I found the person I was supposed to meet, and true to the letter, he and some friends were surrounding a body that they assumed I could get rid of for them. I asked Varric and Isabela what they thought I should do. According to Varric, the uniforms these men wore he wasn't familiar with, but the uniform of the body he knew to be one of the worst street gangs in Kirkwall. Isabela agreed, said that if this strange group was getting rid of these thugs then we should help._

_So I found myself helping one gang get rid of evidence of killing another gang. I wasn't very comfortable with that to be honest Father, but Varric and Isabela both assured me it was the right thing to do. After all this time, would they steer me wrong? I hope not, because I trusted their opinion._

_After we visited all three locations and took care of business, I was told there was one more body to dispose of along the Wounded Coast. While we were there I found out what happened to that Qunari patrol: demons. I'm not exactly sure what or who summoned an abomination to attack Qunari, but if I am being honest with you Father I don't mind a few less of them wandering around Kirkwall. Don't worry, we took out the demons._

_I still don't know who hired me to do this job. We had a run-in with the rival gang near the last corpse but they were no match for us. I came home to find a hefty amount of gold as payment and a letter of thanks that was signed by Anonymous. Sometimes I wonder about all these letters that I receive. I suppose if I kept a low profile none of these opportunities would come my way._

_When we were in Lowtown I found a book by Shartan that I thought would be perfect for Fenris. When I went to store it in my trunk until the next time I saw him, I realized I had several things I had kept for my friends. Tomorrow I should make it a point to deliver some of them. It'll give me a chance to catch up with everyone too since I have hidden in this estate far too much lately._

_I miss you Father. And Mother. And Bethany. I miss Carver too, and I will make a promise to you as well that I will go see him. Maker, please let him forgive me._


	39. Questioning Beliefs: Aveline

_**A/N: This chapter also includes the quests The Captain's Condolences and The Shield of the Knight Herself.** _

* * *

_Dearest Father,_

_My plan of visiting everyone today to unload these gifts I'd been collecting started and ended with Aveline. What I thought would be a quick visit turned into an all day affair. I suppose it's good, considering I haven't had much time to talk with her, see how things are. It saddened me a bit when I realized I hadn't really talked to her since Mother died._

_Seneschal Bran was there when I arrived, going on about uniforms and budgets. By the time he left it was clear Aveline was at her wits end with him and the politics of the Viscount. At first she directed her frustrations toward me, claiming I was no better than the other fortune hunters and mercenaries that had her so busy these days. I know she loves her job though, she can't fool me. She did hint that she wasn't comfortable with some of the jobs I had taken her along for; I have to remember that she is in that position and be careful not to jeopardize that for her in the future._

_I offered her the shield I had found, the one that was a replica of a shield worn by Ser Aveline, her namesake. That didn't go over well, in fact it was a disaster. She brought up Wesley's shield, the one we were forced to sell when we first came to Kirkwall. I knew she was hesitant to part with it, even then Mother and I tried to talk her out of it, but she was so insistent back then that she pay her own way into the city. I knew she'd have regrets Father, just as I did of letting go of what little I had taken from Lothering. We all gave up everything to get here, and now even years later, sentiment lingers._

_I didn't force her to take the shield, it was clear she didn't want it, but we did begin a conversation then about her father. Aveline has always been so tight-lipped about her family that I was surprised. She told me her father had given her the name Aveline, hoping she would grow up to become a Knight. Obviously she has chosen a different path, but still tries to keep duty and honor in the way she handles herself and her actions. Again, I mustn't take her on any future compromising jobs; I don't want to lose her as a friend._

_She also told me about her father's passing, some illness that took hold of him. I couldn't cry then, trying to be the supportive friend, but as I write you now Father the tears fall. Her story was very sweet, touched the heart, but it also made me realize how much I've come to miss you. And Mother._

_Aveline asked me how I was really doing with Mother being gone. A smile on my face I told her, that's what most people want to see. But she knows the truth; of everyone she is the one person that understands putting on the act and hiding what you really feel inside. Deep down this is killing me Father; the overwhelming guilt I feel coupled with the exhaustion from the energy it takes to pretend that everything is alright. I am not alright. But life must go on, jobs must get done, friends need my help and there's no time to stop and deal with these emotions._

_We ended the day with a drink, toasting those that have gone before us. Hopefully someday we can all be together again._

* * *

She always enjoyed the quiet of the Chantry at night. Very few would venture to its sacred walls after dark due to the new gang that had claimed the Hightown streets over the last few years, but Hawke didn't care. The days conversation with Aveline still weighed heavily on her mind, and writing to her father had done little to ease the pain within her heart. Sitting alone in the home she had shared with her mother wasn't helping any either.

Hawke embraced the comforting smells of incense and the warm glow of the candles as she made her way to the rear west wall of the main floor. The memorial wall was large, sadly, with the names of those whose time had come to an end. She read the names, some familiar to be relatives of nobles in Hightown, others long forgotten by the city and history itself. So much death, so many souls now at the side of the Maker. She was surprised to see Wesley Vallen was one of the more recently added names, directly beside Leandra Amell. Hawke went to her knees, almost as if the weight of their deaths had pushed her down.

"I hope you don't mind," his familiar voice said behind her.

"A thoughtful gesture," Hawke replied, tracing the script of her mother's name with her finger. "Even in death, the name Hawke is forgotten."

Sebastian moved to stand beside her. "I did not mean to offend. I can change it if you wish."

Hawke shook her head. "No need. She would've wanted it that way. Bringing the Amell family name back to Hightown was her purpose here, so it's appropriate. Thank you Sebastian, really."

Retrieving the quill and ink from a small table beside the wall, Sebastian handed her the items. "The Hawke name is as important to Kirkwall as Amell."

Along the bottom row of names, beside Wesley and Leandra, Hawke added two more: Bethany Hawke and Malcolm Hawke. Turning her gaze up to Sebastian, he nodded, already knowing what her question would be. "The wall is for all those you wish remembered," he added.

Finishing her row with Jeremy Arland, she handed the quill and inkbottle back to Sebastian. He returned them to the table, folded his hands, and bowed his head in prayer. "Ashes we were, and ashes we become. Maker, give these men and women a place at your side. Let us find comfort in the peace they have found, in eternity."

"Wesley used that verse for Bethany when she died," Hawke whispered. "These five people here have all gone to the Maker, and may He forgive me, they went by my hand."

Sebastian knelt beside her. "Hawke, their deaths are not your fault. You can't possibly think..."

She offered him a weak smile. "I seek absolution for my sins Sebastian, not excuses for why they are not mine."

Sebastian wondered why she felt such guilt for their deaths, but knew now wasn't the time to ask her as she sat in mourning and reflection. He remained beside her, offering his silent comfort.


	40. Non-Quest: A Brother's Love

Sebastian had offered his silent comfort to her last night, so Hawke wasn't surprised when he showed up at the estate early the next morning to escort her to the Gallows. Their friendship seemed to be blossoming into something much deeper, the way he continued to support and encourage her. It was nice, much more than she ever thought possible with the Chantry Brother, and his continued presence made her smile.

Even during the difficult times.

"Are you ready?" Sebastian asked, standing in her foyer dressed in his armor.

Hawke gave him a warm grin. "Expecting trouble?"

Sebastian laughed. "One can never be too cautious when it comes to you Hawke," he said in jest. "Especially if I am to escort you through the Gallows."

Allowing his kind nature to ease her fears, Hawke tried to think positively as they moved through the city. She hadn't seen her brother since Leandra's death, and Hawke wasn't sure what kind of reception she in for. But maybe time had healed some of their wounds, at least she hoped, so she refused to let her nerves consume her.

When they arrived at the Gallows, the Templars were running drills in the courtyard. Hawke realized they had never been there so early in the morning, early enough that no mages were permitted outside of their quarters yet. It was overwhelming to see so many of the mage hunters together, enough that she reconsidered her visit.

Sebastians gentle hand on the base of her spine nudged her forward, and the two waited at the top of the stairs for the Templars to finish. Cullen had noticed their arrival and made his way toward them with a welcoming smile. It seemed no matter what her insides were feeling, the warmth from Cullen combined with Sebastian's support kept her from bolting.

"I take it you're here to see your brother?" Cullen asked.

Hawke nodded. "If that's possible. I probably should've asked for a visit first, but..."

Cullen interrupted her. "It's alright," he assured her. "We expected you sooner given the, uhm, circumstances. My condolences Hawke."

Hawke hadn't realized in avoiding Carver she also hadn't seen Cullen since everything had happened. "Thank you," she replied, hating the awkwardness that speaking of someone's passing always blanketed over a conversation. "Mother always had a kind word to say about you," she added, recalling the many times her mother had mentioned Cullen after a visit with Carver.

"She will be missed by many, I'm sure," Cullen added. "If you'd like to wait over here until morning practice is over..."

"Thank you," Sebastian answered for her, as Cullen escorted them to a bench on the far side of the courtyard.

Hawke couldn't sit though, her nerves returning as she scanned the faces of the Templars in the crowd. Cullen had gone to the instructor and informed him that Carver had a visitor, and the instructor called for Carver to drop out of line. She watched as her brother approached the Knight-Captain and learned she was there, studying his expression for any hint of disappointment as his eyes met hers.

"Hello sister," Carver said when he'd reached them, neutrality in his tone. His eyes narrowed at Sebastian beside her. "I'm sorry, I feel like I know you but I do not recall your name?"

Sebastian extended his hand to the younger Hawke. "Sebastian Vael," he introduced himself formally, though Hawke took notice he did not call himself a Prince nor a Brother. "I owe your sister for helping in the vengeance of my family's murder."

"Right, that was it." Carver accepted his hand. "Carver Hawke, though you probably knew that already."

Dropping his hand, Sebastian bowed slightly to the both of them. "I shall leave you to your visit," he stated. "When you're ready to leave, I'll be speaking with Cullen on the progress of the Starkhaven mages."

"Thank you," Hawke said to Sebastian as he left.

"Shall we?" Carver gestured to the bench.

Now that the moment had arrived and she was alone with her brother, Hawke's nerves returned at full strength. He looked good, almost happy even, his skin a bit darker from the constant sun of patrols she assumed. His eyes no longer held an uncertainty, instead there was determination there, a purpose, and she hoped that maybe he had finally found his place in this world.

Carver appraised her with the same scrutiny. His sister appeared tired to him, sadder than he was used to seeing her. Even in the worst of times she always had some inner glow about her, but looking at her now his concern grew. "So tell me," he started, attempting to break the tension between them. "What have you been up to?"

Hawke filled him in on just that, everything that she had been involved in since they had last seen each other. From the problems with the Qunari to all of the problems her friends had needed help with, Hawke told him everything. Eventually her tales led up to what had happened to their mother, and she gave him only the briefest description. He didn't need to know the gruesome details, or be subjected to the nightmares she herself had endured because of it.

It was cathartic for her to release some of what she'd been holding back from her friends, telling the only person who knew her complete history how some of the recent events had affected her. Spilling her deepest secrets to her father in letters was one thing, but to be able to tell someone face to face her struggles and fears was comforting. He listened as he always did, and his support gave her the courage to face that final demon between them.

"Carver, if I ask you something, do you promise to give me an honest answer?"

"Of course," he replied.

"Would you still hate me if I had taken you to the Deep Roads?" she asked, needing to know. "Do you think if I had, that would've changed anything between us?" She searched his eyes for the truth, knowing she'd see it there before it left his lips.

Carver sighed. "I don't hate you Marian. Do you really believe that?"

Hawke looked away, not wishing her brother to see the tears forming in her eyes. She saw Sebastian watching her from across the courtyard, and he gave her a curious glance as to the sadness in her expression. It appeared as if he were about to walk over to her, but she shook her head and gave him a small smile. He returned the gesture, which comforted her enough to face her brother again.

"Don't you?" she asked, unable to hide the sadness behind her words. "I've done nothing but let you down since you were born. I was hardly there for you growing up, and then after Father died..." she couldn't finish that thought, the pain of it all flooding to the surface. "I couldn't save him, or Bethany, or Mother... I didn't want to take you because I didn't want to lose you too. People I love keep dying Carver, and I couldn't... I just couldn't..."

Carver pulled her into an embrace as the tears fell, her release of all the pain she had been carrying causing her sobs to become near hysteric. He stroked her hair and held her tight, wishing he could take some of her pain away. "I have never hated you," he whispered in her ear, his own emotions surfacing as well. "Believe me when I tell you this, please."

The only image that stuck in her mind was the day she had returned from the Deep Roads; her brother in his Templar uniform and her mother begging for him not to join. She was so certain her brother hated her that day, and every day since, and even more so now that Leandra was gone. It was the last time the three of them were together. The last of her family.

Over and over she repeated apologies into his chest, and his heart ached for her. His sister had always carried such burdens, often unnecessarily, and he didn't know how to relieve her of such sadness. "You did everything within your power to save them all," Carver continued, trying to convince her. "It is not your fault. You must stop thinking this way. I don't understand why you punish yourself like this."

It's what she knew to be true. No matter what words he offered, or how much anyone could tell her otherwise, Hawke felt responsible for all of the loss in her life. If only she had done things differently, made one choice instead of the other, the rest of her family would still be alive.

She allowed the warmth of his embrace to sooth her for a few more minutes before pulling away. He wiped her cheeks with his thumb and kissed her forehead. "Please Marian," Carver repeated. "Stop this. You'll drive yourself mad."

Hawke managed a weak smile. "Perhaps I'm already there," she whispered in a teasing voice, though sometimes she wondered if she was on the brink of madness herself. Not wishing to completely ruin her first visit with Carver, she pushed down the remaining guilt and gathered what little strength she could find within herself. "I'm sorry, I didn't come here to get all mushy on you."

"Do so whenever you need," Carver stated, brushing the hair away from her face. "I will make sure I am available to you." He knew her better than she thought he did, because he knew this was just the beginning of her facing her guilt. Trying to lighten her mood, he flashed her a mischievous grin. "Would you like a tour of the inside of the Gallows?"

Hawke hit him playfully on the chest, but his plan had worked as she smiled. "I think I'll pass, being what I am and all," she replied. "You really do like it here though don't you?"

"I do," Carver admitted. "I can do good here. And keep you out of trouble in the process."

"My brother," she sighed, though finally coming around to his decision to join the Order. "I am so very proud of you. You _will_ do good here, I'm sure of it."

"Just following in my sister's footsteps," he said honestly.

* * *

_Dearest Father,_

_I had a good visit with Carver today, I'm sure you saw and I hope it made you happy. I know I was, finally facing my fears of seeing him and not being met with the hatred I thought I'd find. He seems to be doing well, really well, and you'd be proud of him I'm sure. I can't wait to share with the others how our meeting went. I think I'm facing our future sibling relationship with a happier heart than I was this morning._

_I miss you. I know I've said it before, but I really do miss you. Seeing Carver always reminds me of you, the two of you so strong and yet so soft in how you've treated me. I was afraid he would hate me, but he proved to me today that he loves me, and has always loved me, and there is nothing more I could ever want from him. Knowing I still have him is a positive in my life that I need to hold on to, to help me through the darker times._

_And then there's Sebastian. Maker help me, I have no idea what's happening there. The more time we spend together the less time I want to spend away from him. He came with me to see Carver, and then took me home, and never once does he have expectations of anything in return. He's easy to fall in love with Father, and I struggle against those feelings, because I know nothing good can come of them. His future is as unclear as mine is, as any of ours are, but still there's no denying something is happening._

_We haven't discussed our feelings since the last time, when I confronted him on his feelings for me and how he no doubt felt they were a sin against the Maker. And while I expect him to make the next move, since he is the one fighting that war within himself, I find myself having the same trouble. Can I just give in? What harm would that do to him, or to myself?_

_A thought for another day I suppose. Goodnight Father._


	41. Forbidden Knowledge

_Dearest Father,_

_I received a letter from Idunna today, that blood mage from a few years ago that nearly had me slit my own neck? Lovely woman, and though everyone thought I was crazy, I felt spending time in the Gallows was better than death for her punishment._

_Anyway, she wrote me to let me know that she has found peace with herself and is seeking absolution from the Maker. With that in mind, she revealed to me that Tarohne, the woman she was working for, had stashed several tomes containing dark secrets around Kirkwall and the surrounding country. Protected by demons forged into their very bindings, she asked that I find and destroy them before others follow her dark path. Seemed like an urgent matter to take on, so I asked Sebastian, Isabela, and Fenris to help me._

_I also asked Sebastian if he'd stop in and see Idunna when he visited the Starkhaven mages still in the Gallows. He wasn't there the day Carver, Fenris and Varric joined me to interrogate Idunna, so he wasn't aware of what she had done. I didn't bother to tell him though; if she wished to confess to him, that was her business, but I wanted him to see her with an open and caring mind._

_We met some heavy resistance tracking these books down; shades, abominations, desire demons, rage demons, corpses... the list goes on. Thankfully I had the two rogues with me too because when we went to the Wounded Coast, Sundermount, and the Bone Pit, there were a ton of traps to get through before we even found the books._

_Amazing how one of these books was sitting in the throne room of the Keep! How did no one notice it was just laying there, on a bench, for any curious wanderer to pick up? Doubtful it would've been a mage to find it there, so I suppose we should be grateful for that, but still. The guards turned a blind eye while we battled the demons in the throne room. I wonder what excuse they came up with when dragging the corpses out of there after we left?_

_I think the one in the Chantry shocked Sebastian most of all. To think that among the many books written by Brother Genitivi about Andraste and the Maker was an evil tome of corruption that could turn a mage on to the darkest of magic. I'm thankful Merrill wasn't with us; I have no doubt she'd be very upset for me destroying the books. I still worry about her Father; her involvement with blood magic and demons terrifies me, and I can't help but feel something will go terribly wrong if she continues to dance with danger. Maybe I'll have a chat with her about it, see where her head is at these days._

_Anyway, we destroyed the Chantry book, and then removed the corpses ourselves, not wishing to leave such desecration within the walls of the holy place._

_Clues within each of the tomes had led us to Darktown, where the Fell Grimoire rested on an altar as if some sacred relic. No surprise we had to battle a desire demon at the end with several rage demons and revenants in her command. That entire group Idunna and Tarohne were with had been promised their deepest desires. Thankfully though she didn't offer us anything, because I don't think Sebastian could've faced another verbal showdown with a desire demon. Not after the last one enticed him with power and riches to take over Starkhaven._

_The trip back to Hightown led to an interesting conversation though between Sebastian and Isabela. The two of them hadn't traveled much with me together, so Isabela assumed Sebastian was going to preach to her about her... hmm, free ways I guess I'd call it. He surprised her though; in fact he surprised me too._

"I won't preach to you Isabela," Sebastian informed her. "Preaching seldom works. Besides, I'd be a hypocrite to do so, as I used to be a lot like you."

Isabela rolled her eyes. "Now this I have to hear."

"Before I came here, I used to be out to all hours, drinking and whoring," he said. "I didn't believe in anything except my own pleasure."

Hawke laughed to herself. "And why couldn't I have known you back then?" she asked, though nearly kicked herself after having done so.

Sebastian flashed her a bright wide smile, which eased her embarrassment. "I doubt you would have associated with me back then Hawke. I took what I wanted without care or consequence. Broke many hearts in Starkhaven and the neighboring towns. It's part of why I was sent to the Chantry, disgracing my families name as I did."

"Well in that case, I'm glad I know you now then," she said softly.

"Careful Hawke," Isabela warned behind them. "He may not be whoring, but he can still break your heart."

_And it's true Father, he so easily could. The more time we spend together the further I fall into the depths of his blue eyes. Yet at any moment he can make the decision to remain a Brother to the Chantry and be gone. I pushed him in that direction because I thought it'd make him happy, and now I wish I were more selfish and convinced him to fight for Starkhaven._

_It's his choice, and I can't help but wonder if I insist on taking him with me on these missions so that I sway the vote in my favor. Is that wrong of me? Maybe I should back off, give him some space to sort things out._

_I wish I had a female friend to turn to for advice on this sort of thing. Aveline, well, we all know how her relationship skills are. Isabela doesn't care for any relationships and Merrill, well I'm not so sure Merrill has ever been in love before. She's never mentioned it if she has, though the way her clansfolk look at her I don't think any of them are interested. Poor girl._

_Maybe Lady Elegant can help. Either way, I'll leave Sebastian to the Chantry next time. Maybe some distance is what he needs, what we both need._


	42. Questioning Beliefs: Anders

_Dearest Father,_

_I went to see Anders today, mostly because he's been really reclusive lately. He comes out when I ask him to, but he doesn't bother to come visit me like he used to when I lived at Gameln's. Now I have to hunt him down, and more and more I noticed his clinic was closed. I didn't want to pry, because according to Varric he's still harboring feelings for me so I didn't want to give him the wrong idea. But I finally caught up with him and found out what he's been up to._

_He softened my heart when I first entered the clinic, putting out milk for any stray cats that may be thirsty. It was a gentler side I hadn't seen before; no Justice, no vengeance, just the kind hearted man that heals refugees from Ferelden for no coin and offers treats to the local strays. I wish he were like this all the time Father, so gentle and sweet. Of course it didn't take long for our conversation to turn unpleasant._

_Anders began by thanking me, for making a name for myself in Kirkwall. He claims it's done a lot for mages, me up in Hightown having come from the streets of Lowtown. Sure I worked hard at it, and sacrificed a lot to get to where I am now, but that had nothing to do with me being a mage and everything to do with giving Mother back what she had lost. I don't think Anders sees it that way though._

_He said I was the type of leader his circle of apostates needed, that I was some kind of spokesperson that could tell the world we won't be punished any longer for our Maker given gifts. That's when I realized the depth of what he was up to, why he had begun hiding himself away._

_I told him there was no way I was going to volunteer to lead his revolution. Is it strange that as a mage I say I don't agree with his plight that all mages should be free? Look at all the free mages I've come across in the last 4 years? Not one of them has been innocent of any wrong doing. Are there good mages in the world? Maker I hope so, but I've seen more bad than good, so no, I don't want freedom for all mages._

_Anders pleaded with me. Told me that the mages he's associated with look up to me, that they want what I have. Honestly Father I have no idea why I am allowed to walk free, and in the public eye no less. I don't know if it's Carver or Cullen protecting me behind the Gallows walls. Or maybe it's just dumb luck. Or maybe the knight-commander is using me as an example as much as Anders wants to; that she's counting on me doing something so horrific one day that she can say, "See? I tried to give a mage her freedom, and look what happened!"_

_I made the mistake of asking him if the Circle was so bad. That didn't go over well at all. He brought up you and Mother, asking me why I thought you both had fought so hard to keep Bethany and I out of the Circle. He said you are tormented, told every day that you were born with sin, that the Maker hated you. Anders said he saw more mages die from suicide than demons._

_There was similar talk from Grace about the Starkhaven Circle. Are they all corrupt Father? Are none of them assisting the mages as they should? While Anders wanting to free the mages I can support and get behind, only because of what he's told me, I can not lead them. If they are truly good, and I hope they are for Anders to be consorting with them, then they deserve a chance to try I suppose as much as I have been given the opportunity. If only this was all Anders wanted._

_When he began going on about how the Chantry itself must be overturned, that there was in fact a revolution forming, I had to take a step back. Mages are born mages, Templars are created by man. That's what he said, and he's right, but again I have seen too many bad things happen because of mages that have used their gifts to hurt people. As the guard polices the citizens, the Templars need to police the mages._

_It's something he and I will never agree on, and I have a feeling you and I wouldn't either Father._

_Thankfully I ended our talk on a positive note, asking him why none of my friends can ever strive to be the best wallop player or something. That got him to laugh, and it was nice to see him smile again, even if only for a moment. Then he said he wouldn't be doing what he was doing without my support, that there was no way he could keep Justice from surfacing without me. "I know you won't let me lose myself to him," he had said._

_No pressure there, right? I feel like I can barely keep control of myself these days, and now Anders has willingly placed his sanity in my hands. With all that he's involved in, I can't be with him every day and night. What if something happens while they are attempting to free mages from the Gallows? What if he gets caught, and Justice reveals himself to the Templars? They'll run their blades through him without hesitation, thinking he's an abomination!_

_I love that he trusts me this much, and I hate it all the same. He's unknowingly put this weight upon my shoulders that I just don't know if I can carry. His faith in me, in my ability to protect him from the spirit that possesses him... I can't do it Father. I don't even know how, or if, I could do it again._

_Maker, please don't let me fail my friend. I don't think I could live with myself if something were to happen to him. To any of them. They have all become my family now, and the thought of losing them terrifies me._

_Sorry to lay all this on you Father, but my vow to avoid the Chantry has left me with few options to turn to in my need for comfort. At least I have you, somewhere, looking out for me. I will do what I can for Anders, and if that means assisting him with the freeing of mages I will. I must protect my friends as they have done for me. Maybe if I keep an eye on who he is letting go free, I can make sure nothing bad happens._

_Or at least try._


	43. Night Terrors

_Dearest Father,_

_For a while now I was putting off visiting Arianni in the alienage. Mostly because I usually have Fenris with me, and he despises the place, but also because the letter she had sent me was worrisome. She said that Feynriel's nightmares had returned, and neither the Keeper nor the first enchanter knew how to help. What good would I be when those two didn't have the answers? But something told me I should go and look into it, now rather than later, so I went._

_Varric, Fenris, and Aveline joined me in visiting the lowest corner of Lowtown. We met with Arianni, who was heartbroken when I spoke with her. Feynriel refused to see her, sent her away, and she just got word that two days ago Feynriel fell into a nightmare and has yet to return._

_If only I had gone sooner, maybe I could've prevented this. But I was too wrapped up in my own business, and didn't want to face what I knew I would have to, so I avoided her._

_Arianni said Feynriel was near death, according to the Keeper. My guilt in delaying the inevitable had me agreeing to anything, so when Arianni told me that Keeper Marethari had an idea for a ritual to go after Feynriel in the Fade, I volunteered. Aveline immediately disagreed with me, stating that what we were going to attempt was best left for the Circle. But if only someone Feynriel trusts could reach him, it would have to be me, and it would have to be today._

_Marethari arrived, and filled us in on what exactly was we were dealing with. Feynriel is what's called a Dreamer, someone who has the ability to manipulate the Fade. A very rare talent because of the demons they attract. If a demon was successful in inhabiting one of these Dreamers, they very well could be unstoppable. I tried not to think about it, people out there with the power to manipulate dreams. It's frightening to imagine, as Marethari explained that Tevinter Dreamers used to enter the minds of the enemy just to kill them in their sleep._

_The Keeper gave me one more bit of news, one that did not sit well with me. She told me that if we can not stop the demons from possessing Feynriel, then it was up to me to kill him, thus making him Tranquil. I was honest with her when I told her that becoming Tranquil was Feynriel's greatest fear, and it was not something I was prepared to do. She seemed reluctant to send me after that, but what other choice was there?_

_We have one hour before Marethari is ready to perform the ritual. Aveline didn't want to come; said she wouldn't be of any use in a realm of dreams and magic. Fenris was hesitant, but said he'd go if I asked him to, which I did. Of course Varric was fascinated, and had no problem jumping into the Fade. As a dwarf, it's probably one of the few opportunities he'll get to visit, and then no doubt will have a million stories from it I'm sure._

_With Aveline out, I needed to choose one more person. Marethari warned me to choose carefully, that temptation may be too great for some. That immediately counted Isabela out in my mind; she'd probably give up a leg for a ship or something, so I opted not to even bother asking her. Between you and I Father, I would never trust Merrill in the Fade. Maker knows what other deals with demons she'd agree to. I also wouldn't think to ask Sebastian; crossing the Veil would go against everything he believes in. Which only left me Anders._

_He was hesitant at first. His main concern, and rightly so, is Justice. How would a trip to the Fade effect the spirit within? Anders isn't sure, and neither am I, but I guess we'll find out. I don't know if there's any chance of you finding a way to me while I'm there, but if it's possible, well, you know where I'll be._

* * *

"It is good to feel the breath of the Fade again, not the empty air of your world."

As they feared, Justice was the dominant one in the Fade. Hawke tried to reach out to Anders, but her efforts were met with nothing but resistance. The spirit was almost annoyed at Hawke for her attempts, but seemed a willing companion in the hunt for Feynriel.

"Come," Justice called. "I sense Feynriel's mind straining. We will not have much time."

Justice led the way, and Hawke was more than willing to give up the leadership role. She hated to admit it, but having the spirit with them seemed to be beneficial. He seemed to somehow feel his way around the large complex of distorted hazed halls that they were dropped into. Varric and Fenris followed Hawke, both unusually silent given the circumstances.

The first demon to approach them was a sloth demon. Justice warned about relaxing around it, but Hawke had no intention of even opening a discussion. Destroying the demon seemed almost too easy; as quickly as it appeared, it diminished back into whatever realm it came from.

After the battle, Justice proceeded down a long hallway, where Hawke finally saw Feynriel. The others in her group were cut off from her as she entered some strange recollection from Feynriel's mind. It was the boy and his father, a loving, tender scene, and Hawke understood now how easy the temptations must be in this place. What she wouldn't give to have the opportunity, though now she kept that thought furthest from her mind.

From all Arianni had told them about Feynriel's father, Hawke knew this vision was false. It was only a demon in disguise, preying on Feynriel's hope that his father had been in his life growing up. Hawke managed to convince the boy, prodded his true memories that did not involve the man, and Feynriel ran from the dream.

A desire demon shifted from the form of Feynriel's father, and the barrier was dropped, allowing Hawke's companions to join her once more. They quickly destroyed the desire demon, and Justice wasted no time leading them to the next area of the Fade where Feynriel had gone to. The only obstacle in their way was a few rage demons.

"This is the dreamer's power," Justice explained. "In his anger over his father, he unknowingly summoned these creatures. He is a danger Hawke - to himself and others."

Hawke wasn't interested in the spirit's opinion, but after another scenario played out before her, she was beginning to think Justice was right; Feynriel still had no control over his power, and would not have survived if it weren't for them. This time it was Marethari telling Feynriel how his magic will save the Dalish, casting him as a hero to his people.

The pride demon didn't go away as easily as the desire, sloth, or rage demons. And Hawke realized now what Marethari warned against: temptation. Justice could not be tempted, and being a dwarf , the demon didn't know what to make of Varric. Hawke kept her mind as focused as possible to prevent the demon's intrusion into her thoughts. So Fenris became the demon's target.

"Those who are free to choose, always want power," the demon said. "You think your friends are different? You think this slave would choose you over his freedom?"

Hawke turned to look at Fenris, knowing his past had always haunted him. She was relieved when he responded defiantly to the demon. "Cast your eyes elsewhere, demon. I won my freedom from the magisters long ago."

It wasn't enough. The demon kept at him, promising power to destroy Danarius and any who would harm him again. It was a gift too tempting to resist, and Fenris accepted.

* * *

_Dearest Father,_

_I can not shake the image of Fenris fighting me in the Fade. My best friend, my ever strong rock of support throughout these last few years, turned on me for a promise of power. The one thing he always feared I'd do if given the chance, accept a demon's offer, and he did it while standing beside me. Ignored us all for a chance at revenge against Danarius._

_I can't really blame him. It's a torment that he has been living with for as long as he can remember, literally. But being put in the position of having to kill him, even if it was only his image in the Fade, still will haunt my dreams, I am certain. He apologized for his weakness, not realizing he was susceptible to such influence, but didn't say anything more on the walk home. I'm glad he didn't, for right now I have no idea what I would say to him._

_As for Feynriel, that didn't end as I had planned either. After the fight with Fenris, Justice took us to another room where the boy was waiting for us. Feynriel thanked me for saving his life, claimed the Fade felt different to him now, and that he knew he could wake himself up. He seemed so proud of himself in that moment Father, so certain that he had a grasp on his powers._

_I was almost convinced that he had. I was ready to walk away, leave the Fade and let him continue his life with the Dalish mastering his new ability. Even Varric said he may be ready._

_But something stirred within me, something that Feynriel said had my stomach in knots and my heart pounding. He said he wasn't staying with the Dalish, that he wanted to instead go to Tevinter, find someone there to study under, and all I kept thinking about was Fenris, Danarius, and what the mages are like in Tevinter. If Feynriel ended up confiding in the wrong person, in a blood mage..._

_I wonder if it was because we were in the Fade that Justice was able to read my thoughts. He knew my intentions I think before I did, as he positioned himself in front of the boy. If we hadn't gone to the Fade, if I hadn't talked Feynriel out of both scenarios where he was tempted, he may have given in. And I couldn't let him go to Tevinter. Marethari was right. Feynriel is a danger, no matter how successful we were in getting through to him._

_I could not take that risk, Father. And so I killed Feynriel in the Fade, ending life as he knew it._

_Maker why, why did I have to do this? Why was I the one who willingly ran to the Fade and was forced to practically murder this boy, who like me, had no control in being born with the power he possessed? He is Tranquil now because of me. A walking statue as his mother had said. Arianni ran to him; Maker knows what she will find when she reaches him. A shadow of the son she once knew._

_And all because of me._


	44. Book of Shartan - Fenris Night Terrors

Hawke entered the mansion with hopes of clearing the air between her and Fenris. After what happened in the Fade, he kept his distance, even avoiding their usual gatherings at the Hanged Man. Hoping to break the ice with a book she discovered, she walked up the stairs to the main room in which Fenris could usually be found.

"I have something for you," Hawke said as she settled into the chair across from him. She placed the book on the table and slid it toward him.

Fenris eyed the book with curiosity. He traced the title embedded in the leather cover with his fingertips. "A book?"

"Written by Shartan," Hawke informed him. "We've spoken about him before, remember?"

The warrior nodded, hand still hovering over the letters. "Hawke..."

She was apprehensive about giving him the gift in the first place; a book about a former slave may be too touchy a subject. The tone with which he said her name confirmed her fears. "You hate it," Hawke said, pulling the book out from under his grasp. "I'm sorry, I thought that maybe..."

"It's not that," Fenris insisted, knowing where her thoughts were headed. "In the Imperium, slaves are not permitted to read, or even learn how. Safer to pass along correspondence if your messenger doesn't know what he holds in his hands."

Hawke shook her head at the thought of him not being able to read. "All this time and you've never said anything?"

He shrugged. "It's never come up."

She had to laugh, and slid the book toward him again. "Well now's your chance," Hawke told him. "During the times that we are not killing something, or each other, you'll learn."

Hawke's comment about them killing each other reminded him they had not seen each other since Feynriel's death. "I've been thinking about what happened in the Fade," Fenris said. "That a demon could've played so easily on my fears... disturbs me."

Hawke knew Fenris carried guilt over what had happened, and it pained her heart to see him struggle with his choice when it wasn't his fault. "Fenris, the demon was using magic on your mind. It's as simple as that, really. Do not blame yourself for what happened, I don't blame you. I was more upset about having to fight you; that was the most unpleasant experience out of all of it."

Fenris nodded. "A strange sensation, not being in control of my actions, watching as we fought. Certainly not pleasant for me either, and yet you bested me at that too." He paused for a moment, trying to shake the image from his mind. "That demon did not manage to influence you, however. For all your talk of concern that you may slip, you prove yet again you are stronger than you realize."

Hawke stood and then sat beside him on the bench. "I am strong because of those I keep beside me Fenris, and that includes you."

Fenris turned to her. "I failed you Hawke. But I will not let that happen again."

"I know you won't," she said, and meant it. "Please also remember that I am here for you as well, always. If, or when, you decide to hunt down Danarius, know that you have friends now that will help you. You will never need the power some demon can give you if we are all together."

A small smile curled his lips. "Three years ago I would have doubted that statement. I am glad I decided to remain in Kirkwall."

Hawke couldn't help but laugh. "And befriended a mage too!" she said, playfully bumping into his shoulder with hers. "I am glad you stayed as well, and I promise no more trips to the Fade, at least not anytime soon."

Fenris smirked. "Thank the Maker for that." He studied her for a moment, and then said, "Hawke, you don't have any doubts about what happened to the boy, do you?"

She looked away, refusing to meet his gaze. "Doubts, regrets, I've had it all over the last few days. Tell me I did the right thing Fenris. I need to hear it."

"It was the right thing to do, and you know it because you made the decision. You don't need to hear it from me," he said.

Hawke turned to look at him, a pleading sadness in her eyes. "Who am I to decide the fate of a mage, or Dreamer? I'm an apostate myself Fenris."

"One who knows the dangers with which that entails," Fenris reminded her.

* * *

_Dearest Father,_

_The visit with Fenris went well, I think. A few awkward moments but we ended the day by going over the first chapter of the book I gave him. I was embarrassed when he told me he couldn't read, felt like an idiot for not realizing it before, and here I go bringing him a book of all things. He isn't one to ask for help, or admit his flaws, and I'm sure in that moment he felt like less of a person because of my gift. I will change that for him Father. I will make sure, or at least try, to give him back everything Danarius stole from him, including his freedom._

_My freedom however has been on my mind a lot recently. After Feynriel, it's hard not to think about. I want to ask Carver if he knows anything about why Meredith allows me to live as I do, but I don't want to put him in that position. I'd never ask him to take a side, mine or the Templars, but by asking him what he knows I'd be doing exactly that._

_It's not an impossibility though, the answer I seek. There's always Cullen. Even though he and I haven't shared words since I visited Carver, maybe it's time to mend that bridge. He had kind words to say about Mother; and deep down I know he has a good soul. In all honesty, I have missed his friendship as well._

_On the subject of missing someone, maybe I'll take Sebastian with me to the Gallows. He was such a support last time, and my avoiding him isn't working out as well as I planned. It's causing me misery, not seeing his smile, or the softness in his eyes. He may have no idea what he wants, but I know what I want, and this distance thing isn't working for me. I should probably tell him what happened with Feynriel too. I want to go to Sundermount, to see for myself what I've done. I think I need to, and I know I'll want Sebastian with me when I go._

_I wonder if he's missed me too?_


	45. Bounty Hunter

She had missed him. Hawke didn't realize how much until his blue eyes were shining back at her when she entered the Chantry. "Hello Sebastian," she said with a warm smile.

His face lit up when she walked through the doors, and now he stood nearly as giddy as a child. "Hawke! I was wondering when you'd stop by. I told myself I'd come find you by weeks end if you hadn't."

"Oh?" Hawke raised her brow. "And what would you have said?"

Sebastian grinned. "That I have missed your company of course. I half thought maybe you were avoiding me."

"Pft," she said dismissively, but then her impossible need to be honest crept into her heart. "Alright, maybe a little."

The immediate sadness in his expression pained her to see. "Have I done something that has offended you?" he asked sincerely.

Hawke shook her head. "No, nothing like that. I just thought maybe we needed some time apart, that maybe you need some time. I don't know. I also might have been doing some things you wouldn't approve of, or at least wouldn't want to be involved in."

"I see," Sebastian responded. "Dangerous things?" He carefully avoided her other reason, saving that discussion for a later time.

She shrugged. "If you're up for a trip to Sundermount, I can explain on the way. Just you, me, and Fenris, if that's okay."

"Of course," he nodded. "Let me get my bow and we'll be off."

Hawke watched as he retreated to the room he had in the Chantry. She couldn't help herself as she wandered to the memorial wall, and eyed the names that he had allowed her to add. It was still hard to believe her mother was gone, though some time had passed. She wondered if she'd ever get used to it.

"Hawke," Elthina's voice interrupted her thoughts.

"Grand Cleric," Hawke nodded when she reached the platform where Elthina stood. "It is good to see you again." The last time Hawke had seen Elthina was when Sebastian was begging for a chance to return to the Chantry. The time before that it was a fight about mages and Ser Alrik. But still, the woman was the Grand Cleric, and a friend to Sebastian, so Hawke offered her the respect she deserved.

Elthina smiled. "It is good to see you as well child. I had hoped to have a word."

Hawke took a deep breath. "I'm free now if you'd like to talk."

The Grand Cleric folded her hands on front of her. "I noticed a few more names on the memorial wall," she said, "and realized I have not had the opportunity to offer my condolences."

"Thank you, Your Grace," Hawke said.

"Did you know I dedicated your mother into the Chantry?" Elthina asked.

Hawke shook her head. "No, I wasn't aware."

"She was a beautiful baby," Elthina continued. "Your grandmother was normally a very proper lady, but she was beside herself that day. And Leandra, I'll never forget she nearly put her first in my eye, such a precious innocent." She moved closer to Hawke and lowered her voice. "We may not see eye to eye when it comes to Sebastian, or the mages in Kirkwall, or even the Qunari, whatever your stance may be. But I know you do good in this city, and have restored the Amell name among the nobles of Kirkwall. I have no doubt your mother would be proud."

Hawke was surprised to hear these words from the Grand Cleric, and she thanked her sincerely. "That's kind of you to say. I can only hope I continue to do so," she responded.

"The Maker asks for no more from us than trying our best," Elthina said, and she took a step away from Hawke when she heard Sebastian come down the stairs. "You two be safe out there," she added when Sebastian had joined them.

Hawke remained quiet as they exited the Chantry and made their way toward Fenris' mansion. When she reached for the door, Sebastian stopped her. "Is everything alright Hawke?" he asked. "Did the Grand Cleric say something to upset you?"

She offered Sebastian her best fake smile. "I'm fine," Hawke tried to assure him. "She was merely offering her sympathy."

Sebastian took her hand in his. "I am not blind to the sadness in your eyes Hawke," he said.

Hawke shrugged. "Just waiting for the part where it gets easier to talk about," she told him honestly. "And we have a busy day ahead, so no time to get into it now." She released his hand reluctantly and entered the mansion. Fenris was more than willing to join them, and so the three made their way to Sundermount.

* * *

_Dearest Father,_

_I went to Sundermount today in search of Feynriel, to see what my actions had caused him to live with, and to see if I could find Arianni and apologize to her again. Although I suppose there isn't really a proper way to apologize for turning someone you love tranquil. I'm almost glad she wasn't there, because I don't know what I would've said to her._

_When we arrived, Keeper Marethari informed us that Feynriel was no longer staying with them. His presence was a distraction to the Dalish, and more than a few complained that it was awkward having him around. I don't blame them, honestly. I was having a hard enough time bringing myself to see him. He willingly went to the Gallows, so it seemed that would be our next stop._

_Before returning to Kirkwall, Marethari asked a favor of us, which I gladly offered our assistance. One of the Starkhaven mages had escaped the Gallows and was hiding on top the mountain. I was glad I brought Sebastian with me; I had hoped a few words from him would convince this mage to return. Innley was his name, though we didn't get to have much of a conversation before he began summoning things for us to kill._

_Another blood mage. When we got the Gallows, we reported the news to Cullen, who informed us there were two more missing mages, also suspected of blood magic. Why is there such desperation here Father? Is it only a matter of time before Anders and I fall victim to the demons?_

_Cullen asked for our help in finding the other two mages, which we did rather easily. One was in Darktown and the other on the Coast, and we were able to confirm that both had resorted to blood magic to survive. Unfortunately they weren't any more willing to talk than Innley was, and we were forced to take their lives._

_Three more mages, dead by my hands. I hate this Father, you have no idea how much I hate this._

_I was denied my request to speak with Feynriel. They have him locked up tight in the Gallows for now, unsure of his tranquility given his special circumstances. Cullen did tell me that Arianni had visited him though, only once, and ran from the Gallows in hysterics. She hasn't been back since._

_Fenris and I told Sebastian everything that happened in the Fade. I was surprised Fenris admitted his weakness, but I was touched by the way Sebastian responded - nothing but kindness, and he was insistent that Fenris forgive himself. Maybe Fenris will listen to Sebastian, because I know he's still feeling guilty and nothing I have said seems to change that._

_After we walked Fenris back to the mansion, Sebastian commended me for resisting temptation in the Fade. Though he wasn't pleased to learn that I had agreed to do such a thing, he was thankful that we were all okay, and begged me not to do it again. I assured him I wouldn't, unless the situation was dire, and even then I would discuss it with him first._

_Sebastian seemed reluctant to part company when we reached the steps to the Chantry. I was asked to make another promise - that I stop avoiding him and stop thinking that he needs space to work things through. Time, yes, he admitted to needing that. "But the more we are apart, the more my thoughts drift to you, so we might as well spend the time together," he said._

_I think I can live with that._

* * *

"Anders?"

He was clearly upset as he stormed into her study waving a parchment at her. "Tell me this is a joke? Tell me that you aren't working for the Templars now."

Hawke had just returned from the Gallows not more than an hour ago. Could news have spread that fast that she had apprehended the apostates? "What are you going on about?" she asked cautiously.

Anders handed her the crumbled paper he had been holding. There was a tear at the top, as if pulled from the Chanter's board perhaps? As she read, Hawke felt the color drain from her face. No, this was not how she wanted to be known in Kirkwall.

**On behalf of Knight-Commander Meredith,**   
**the Kirkwall Templar Order offers a gold bounty**   
**for the death or capture of several notorious apostates**   
**who have escaped the Gallows.**

**Follow the example of Serah Hawke,**   
**who valiantly apprehended many Starkhaven apostates in years past,**   
**thereby making the realm safer.**

The notice continued, listing the three mages that Hawke had just killed. She folded the parchment and placed it on the table, gesturing for Anders to have a seat beside her.

"Tell me it isn't true," he begged again.

But Hawke couldn't lie to him. "Anders," she began. "Did you free these mages?"

"Of course I did," Anders admitted without hesitation. "You let Karras live, and now every mage sent to the Gallows falls victim to his control."

"They were all blood mages Anders," Hawke informed him. "No, I am not working for Meredith or the Templars. I went to Sundermount today and the Keeper told me one of these mages was hiding there. Sebastian and I went to try and talk to him peacefully, but he attacked instead."

Anders huffed. "Sebastian, huh?"

Hawke narrowed her eyes at him. "Yes, Sebastian. Why? What does he have to do with it?"

"Chantry, Templars, they are all the same," Anders said as he stood, kicking his chair back. "You're a mage! I don't understand, whose side are you on?"

She shut her eyes, burying her face in her hands. "Anders," she whispered, but she knew he was already at the front door. Candles rattled against their sconces when he slammed the door.

A few moments later, Bodahn stood hesitantly in the doorway. "Messere? Everything alright?"

"It's fine Bodahn," Hawke assured him with a smile. "Thank you."

The dwarf bowed before leaving her alone to her thoughts.


	46. Fool's Gold

"Hawke, I need a favor." The nervous twitch in his voice sent warning bells shrieking in alarm in her head.

Hawke eyed Varric with a curious glance. "It's not often I hear those words from you, Varric," she said with a grin. She couldn't even remember the last time he'd ask for a favor.

Varric laughed. "Trust me Hawke, it's not often I say them."

"Alright then," she said, leaning back in her chair. "Out with it."

"It's for a friend in the Dwarven Merchant's Guild," Varric told her. "He's in Hightown, if you wouldn't mind the short walk to go talk to him."

"Now? I promised Sebastian a visit this morning," Hawke informed him. "Can it wait until this afternoon?"

"Even better, bring Choir Boy along," Varric insisted. "And drag Broody out of his mansion too. I have a feeling I'll need a lot of backup on this one."

Ah, so it was _that_ kind of favor. With a heavy sigh, Hawke reluctantly agreed to talk to Varric's friend. More so out of curiosity than anything else. "Alright Varric, lead the way."

After meeting up with Sebastian at the Chantry and asking Fenris to join them, the four made their way through Hightown to a small alcove just west of the Blooming Rose. Hawke saw an older dwarf with a very neat white beard standing beside a few crates. Next to him was an elf woman, and both their eyes widened as Hawke and her friends approached. Apparently in the company of Varric, they knew who she was.

At first Yevhen, the dwarf, seemed hostile toward Hawke, blaming her for his troubles. Unbelieving of the audacity of the dwarf, Hawke turned to Varric. "This is your favor? To be chastised by a man I've never even met?"

Varric shook his head and played the peace-keeper. "Yevhen's boys went venturing into the Deep Roads," Varric explained. "After hearing about our little adventure, they thought they could find some treasure of their own."

"Hawke isn't to blame," the elf, Dera, spoke up. "These aren't boys, they are grown men." She went on to explain how the three went alone, the middle son refusing to take anyone else for fear of having to share any reward they may find.

"Sounds familiar," Varric commented under his breath.

Yevhen and Dera continued to explain their dysfunctional family. Even though Dera was technically the servant of the house, she had raised Yevhen's children after their mother died. It was a sad story indeed, and it was clear they both cared deeply for the missing dwarves. Well, with the exception of Dera, who didn't hide her disgust for the middle son.

Their fear was that something terrible had happened to boys, as they went alone without the assistance of a full expedition crew like Bartrand had hired. With no mercenaries, no real fighting skill, or even supplies or food and water...

"So you want me to return to the Deep Roads and retrieve them?" Hawke asked.

"Yes," Yevhen said. "Please Serah Hawke, I don't know who else to turn to."

Hawke could feel Varric's eyes on her, waiting for her answer. "Give me a moment, please," she said as she walked away from them, needing space to think.

The only one to follow was Sebastian. He hadn't been there during the last trip to the Deep Roads, but he had heard enough from her companions to know it was not an easy task. "Hawke," he called to her softly, placing his hand on her shoulder. "What is it?"

She turned to look at him, his beautiful blue eyes full of concern. "Truth?"

"Of course," Sebastian said, his fingertips trailing from her shoulder, down her arm, to her hand, which he took in his and held.

"I don't want to go back," Hawke whispered so the others couldn't hear. "We were lucky last time, all of us making it out without being tainted. I don't want to push my luck, or risk the lives of my friends again. The last time brought up a lot of memories for me; my sister, who died because of the darkspawn, Aveline's husband Wesley, whom I killed with my own hands before the taint consumed him... The nightmares I had of that place, of being trapped..." she couldn't continue, her heart heavy from recalling the painful details.

Sebastian gently squeezed her hand. "You'll be prepared this time," he assured her. "No one is there to trap you, and you'll have me by your side."

Hawke shook her head. "I don't think I can."

"I know you Hawke," Sebastian stated, taking her other hand. "If you don't do this, and something happens to those dwarves, you'll never forgive yourself."

Sebastian wasn't wrong, she knew it as much as he did. What would be worse? Facing the demons of her past? Or living with the guilt of knowing she may have been able to save Yevhen's children should the worst happen? "You're right, of course," Hawke admitted.

His bright smile at her resolve was nearly reward enough.

Returning to Yevhen, Hawke agreed to help. "I'll do everything in my power to bring your sons home."

"Thank you messere," Yevhen replied. "Those boys are my life. They used the same passage you did. Please, find them, and bring them home."

* * *

_Dearest Father,_

_I don't think I've ever been happier to see the gates of Kirkwall as I was today. Thankfully we didn't have to spend several weeks in the Deep Roads like the last time, but returning there was enough of a reminder of why I didn't want to go back in the first place. My living conscience, otherwise known as Sebastian, convinced me to go._

_He was right to do so. Yevhen's boys got themselves into some serious trouble, and we failed in saving all three. By the time we arrived, the middle son, Iwan, had abandoned his brothers for some legendary sword. We found Emerys easily enough, and he was the one that informed us Iwan had run off and locked their other brother Merin away to battle darkspawn on his own. The entire situation was a mess._

_Varric couldn't stop going on about the familiarity with this family and his own. I felt bad for bringing him along then, having not considered his feelings on returning to the site of Bartrand's betrayal, but Varric assured me he was fine with it._

_We were able to save Merin, but in spending time fighting the darkspawn in order to do so, we failed to save Iwan. I knew Dera wouldn't be so heartbroken over it, but no matter how rotten Iwan was, his father still felt the loss. Much to Varric's disappointment, I gave my portion of the reward to Sebastian for the Chantry. Our mission wasn't a complete success, and I didn't feel right keeping the gold for myself._

_We never did find the sword they were looking for._

_Sebastian surprised me in the confines of the stone. His calming tone convinced Emerys that Merin would be safe and sound, so much so he had me believing it too. I wanted to remind him not to make promises we weren't certain we could keep, but in the end he was right. I asked him on the way back what made him say such a thing, and he told me that choosing to save Merin instead of tracking down Iwan and the sword was the right thing to do, and so the Maker would reward us for the correct decision._

_Every time I think we're a step closer, Sebastian brings up his faith. I'm left wondering what the correct decision is for him, or if he even knows what he wants? He's attentive and kind, becoming bolder with his affections... and yet the Maker still plays a major role in his life._

_Where do I fit in?_


	47. Hometown Breed-Ladies Lights Out-Lowdown

 

"Thank you all for coming," Hawke said to her friends as they sat around her dining room table. "It's that time of year again, when it's up to us to take care of those destructive night gangs. And in honor of Sebastian joining us for the first time in these raids, I decided to make it a rogue night. Any objections?"

Varric shook his head. "Point the way Hawke, easy coin for a night's work."

"I love a good night on the town," Isabela said. "And the added bonus of getting their stuff!"

Hawke explained the usual plan for Sebastian. "We'll head out just after midnight. Isabela will be, well, Isabela, and flaunt herself as she does. Then when the gangs strike, we'll hit back."

"Is that not dangerous?" Sebastian asked, slightly concerned for the pirate.

"Watch and learn sweet thing," Isabela cooed. "Meet at the Hanged Man? I need to see Martin to stock up."

Hawke nodded. "We'll start there. The Dog Lords have been making life miserable for the locals. Even Gamlen's been complaining about the barking all night. A shame really that they are raising the mabari's to kill innocents. If you can, spare the dogs."

Sebastian couldn't help but smile. Here she was discussing the slaughter of several dozen men and women in the next few hours, and she was more concerned about the animals. "You never cease to amaze me Hawke," he said.

"What?" she asked innocently. "I love mabaris! I am from Ferelden after all." Her mabari, Talyn, as if on cue, released a long soulful howl from the living room.

Over the next hour, battle plans were hashed out and positions were assigned on the large maps of Kirkwall that Hawke had spread out across the table. Sebastian was fascinated with just how well organized she was, and the leadership that she handled with ease.

As Hawke walked Varric and Isabela to the door, Sebastian remained. He remembered the first time he had witnessed Hawke dealing with the night gangs in Hightown. It seemed like so long ago, before he had come to be part of her group of companions. They had only talked three times before; when she avenged his family, when she came to the Chantry after a bad dream, and the night he carried her home when she was too intoxicated to get there on her own.

It was also the night he discovered that she was a mage.

Back then it meant a great deal, finding out that she was an apostate. Lately, Sebastian realized, he only seems to remember that fact when it comes up in conversation, which usually leads to an argument of some sort. When she returned to the dining room, and her lip curled ever so slightly, Sebastian forgot about it again.

* * *

_Dearest Father,_

_What a night, I don't even know where to start! We set out to rid the city of some pesky problems, and I ended the night more confused than ever._

_First we ventured through Lowtown, taking on a group of thugs that called themselves the Dog Lords. After a brief exchange of words before they attacked, it was clear this group was from Ferelden. More refugees no doubt, struggling to survive in the city, but unfortunately they were hurting innocent people, so they had to go. Their leader, Cor Blimey, was easy enough to find hiding in some decrepit alley._

_Our next stop was the docks, where a gang who called themselves the Undercuts were trying to run the place. They would harass passengers from late night ships coming in, go through cargo as it waited on the docks to be brought to storage... there was no end to their crime and corruption. Their leader, a man named Kanky Hammertoe (I mean really Father, who runs around admitting to a name like that!), was hiding in a run down alley in the northeastern section of the docks. Three rogues in the group? Piece of cake!_

_Hightown is where things got interesting. An all women gang calling themselves Invisible Sisters, were spread out all over town. The plan we had been going with, Isabela drawing them out, wasn't going to work with this group. So I had to get creative._

"Wait for me behind that wall," Hawke whispered to Sebastian. She handed him her staff, and then quickly walked away before he could protest. Varric and Isabela were on the other side of the courtyard, already hiding within the shadows of the large columns.

He watched from his hiding spot as she entered the courtyard, her hips swaying with a purpose he didn't yet understand. It was surely distracting to him, but if Isabela in her barely clothed body wasn't going to get this gang's attention, how was Hawke?

And then he realized her plan. Slowly the coinpurse on her hip was coming loose. When the velvet pouch hit the ground without a sound, Hawke continued a circle, walking around the other side of the courtyard, and stopped to pick a flower from a nearby flowerbed before disappearing back behind the wall where he was waiting for her.

Quickly Sebastian grabbed her arm and pulled her close to him, thankful to have her out of harms way. Without her staff she was defenseless if the gang had chosen to attack her alone, and the thought both frightened and infuriated him. He opened his mouth to begin scolding her for her actions, but was stopped when she pressed a soft finger to his lips.

Two members of the Invisible Sisters were already descending upon the find, hoping to grab it and run before the person who dropped it realized it was missing. Isabela immediately jumped out of the shadows to attack, Varric backing her up with Bianca.

Sebastian and Hawke didn't realize that their friends had engaged in combat. The close proximity to each other, Hawke's finger brushing his lips, and his arm tightening around her waist, had the two of them lost in their own world, oblivious to the fighting a few feet away. She stared intently into his deep blue eyes, wanting and begging silently for him to finally make his move.

_He didn't do it Father. We were so close, I was so sure it was going to happen, but then Isabela called for healing and snapped us out of our private reverie. We rushed to assist, taking out the remaining members of the gang, and then headed to a seemingly abandoned house to find their leader._

_Sebastian remained quiet the rest of the time we spent together, and when we had completed our mission, he retreated back to the Chantry. I guess he needed to return to his safe zone, to the place where he feels most comfortable, because apparently I have the opposite effect on him._

_I saw it in his eyes, felt it in his touch. He wanted to, I know he did. Maker knows I wanted to. Maybe I'm the fool for continuing to wait for him. Maybe he'll never figure out what he wants, and I'll forever be stuck here, a pathetic pining girl hoping for just a kiss._

_It would've been an amazing kiss._


	48. Wooden Halla - Raiders on the Cliffs

_Dearest Father,_

_Well, here we are again. Sebastian is avoiding me. I went to the Chantry to see if he wanted to take a walk along the Wounded Coast, but one of the Sisters said he was out doing missionary work today. I know my thoughts have been on that near kiss from the other day, and I imagine his thoughts linger there as well. At least I hope so._

_But I wasn't going to let myself sit in and be moody over it any longer. Two days was enough, waiting, hoping he'd stop by, apologize for running off. Two days of Bodahn asking me if I was going out, or Sandal's constant excitement over enchantments not helping my mood. So I started cleaning out my chest, trying to at least be productive in my misery, and found a good reason to get out of the house._

"Hawke? What brings you here?"

The excitement in her voice caused a small bit of guilt to stir within Hawke. "I know it's been a while, I'm sorry Merrill," she said to the elf as she entered the small home in the alienage. "I was hoping to make it up to you, maybe go out for the day and get some sunshine?"

The wide grin on the elf's face was priceless. "Oh I'd love that, I really would. Where are we going?"

Hawke shrugged. "I thought maybe the Wounded Coast? Drag Isabela and Varric out as well? It really is a beautiful day outside, and none of us should be cooped up."

Merrill agreed. "It is lovely this time of year. The trees and flowers are in full bloom, and the birds, they never stop singing!"

"No, they don't," Hawke said with a laugh. "They wake me up bright an early each morning."

"So can we go now?" Merrill asked, with as much enthusiasm as a child ready to explore the world.

"Almost," Hawke said as she pulled her pack from her back. "I have something to give you first." Retrieving the wooden halla from her bag, she handed the sculpture to Merrill.

She accepted the gift, her eyes shining with emotion. "You must have found this at the Dalish camp. I bet it's Master Ilen's work. But what's the occasion?"

"No occasion Merrill," Hawke said. I just thought you'd like it, a reminder of home and your people."

Merrill set the statue on her table and stared at it. "No one has ever given me a present before," she said, a hint of sadness in her voice. "Not something that didn't have some purpose, or that I had need for. It's just so... unexpected. Thank you Hawke, I mean it."

_I felt horrible, Father. I avoid her so often because I know she is a blood mage, the very thing you have warned me against time and time again. When I do take her along, and we come into any confrontation, I feel her tapping into that part of her, and I feel ill. A dark, overwhelming sensation overcomes me, and I feel as if I stand too close, I'm in danger of some demon wishing for another mage to feast upon._

_But the shy, innocence of her, almost makes me think of Bethany. Very sweet, trying to see the best in people and the world around her, even when her own people turn her away. Could be another reason I avoid her, the feel of magic beside me and the dark hair. If I close my eyes, my sister is with me._

* * *

"So, about that nice quiet stroll along the coast?" Varric said sarcastically as they heard someone cursing and giving orders from just below the cliffs.

Hawke shrugged. "Can't hurt to check it out," she said, watching Merrill nervously adjust her staff.

They ran down to the large rock formation to find a few of Kirkwall's guards huddled in fear, as the woman who appeared to be in charge barked her orders. Before they were able to reach the pinned down crew, an arrow came shooting through the air and took out one of the guards.

Hawke and her companions knelt beside the other guards, and the woman began speaking frantically. "You're the bloody reinforcements? Just four of you? I thought the captain would send more!"

"We are not reinforcements, but can help," Hawke said. "What are you doing out here? What are we up against?"

"My first routine assignment," the woman, who introduced herself as Lieutenant Harley, stated. "This is all that is left of my patrol. Unfortunately we are up against Evets' Marauders, and they've already killed six of my men."

Isabela perked up at the mention of Evets. "Oh I've been waiting to get my hands on Evets. We're going to help, right? I have a special poison for that man."

"He isn't among them," Harley informed her. "But his second in command, Fell Orden, is here. A nasty blood mage known for robbing and raping innocent victims that happen to come near their camps. Me and my men haven't been able to get close enough though, the area is full of traps."

Varric looked up expectantly at Hawke. "Traps you say?"

"Two rogues I say," Hawke said with a wink. "Rally your men lieutenant, it's time to rid the coast of this man for good."

_And so my plan for a nice, peaceful day along the coast didn't work out as planned. After a heated battle with the bandits, and a few extra minutes disarming the vast amount of traps along the coast so no one would get hurt, it was back to Kirkwall for us. Merrill was excited to have seen some action today, though taking down another blood mage soured her mood a bit._

_I'm wondering if it's starting to sink in that maybe blood magic isn't such a good idea? Every time we face a blood mage, disaster follows. Is it only a matter of time before Merrill brings that down upon us? It is certainly dangerous to keep her around, but I almost feel if I didn't, she'd be getting herself into more trouble._

_No sign of Sebastian this evening. I'm sure the sisters at the Chantry told him I had come looking for him. I don't know why I expected him to be here when I got home. It was silly to wish for such a thing. I'll give him his space, but not for too long. He didn't want me avoiding him, I won't allow him to do the same._


	49. Inside Job

_Dearest Father,_

_I received a rather disturbing letter from Hubert today, the one I am in business with over the mines at the Bone Pit. He said he found a lead on the cargo thefts that have plagued us lately. Hubert was always more into the money aspect of our partnership than I was. I just wanted to give some of the men from Ferelden a safe paying job. But these thefts have upset Hubert for nearly a year, and now we know who is behind the mess._

_A man named Sabin was leaking information to our unknown thieves. Hubert said Sabin always bragged about knowing me in Ferelden, and even when we confronted the man, he insisted he knew our entire family. An interesting feat, considering Mother's family is from Kirkwall and you were originally in Kirkwall's Circle. In fact Father, we know so very little about your family. Why is that?_

_Anyway, Hubert's methods for extracting information from Sabin weren't pleasant. I dismissed Hubert and his intimidating ways and appealed to Sabin with a little more compassion. His family is still starving, struggling to make ends meet. I told him I would take care of him and his family if he told us everything he knew. He told us of an ambush tonight, so we're going to check it out. Hubert hired on the Coterie as well to assist. Interesting, as I always thought the Coterie hated me. I guess we'll see how much of a help they really are._

* * *

Hawke couldn't help the sigh that escaped her lips as Fenris and Anders began one of their many verbal arguments. Fenris was taunting Anders over his recent incident with Ser Alrik, and how Justice surfaced with Anders' lack of control. Heated words became threats, and eventually Hawke turned to scold the two. "This is why I can't have you two out together," she said. "Can't you just be civil to each other for one day?"

"I don't see why you brought him in the first place," Fenris responded.

"Maybe because she appreciates my assistance," Anders argued back.

Hawke stopped walking and faced them both. Answering Fenris, she said, "I brought you both because Anders can't sit in his dirty, dusty clinic all day, and you can't sit in your filthy, decrepit mansion all day. The two of you are hermits, never seeing the light of day unless I drag you into it. We're going to have a nice pleasant evening of ambushes and slaughter, and you're both going to like it. Now please, if you can't get along, just don't talk to one another!"

When she turned to continue walking, Isabela chuckling at her side, Anders and Fenris could do nothing but follow in silence. It was rare for Hawke to show her frustration, and both men suspected there was more worrying their leader than some ambush.

Lilley, the member of the Coterie Hubert had hired, was waiting for them at the ambush site. She informed Hawke that they were too late, the thieves had already succeeded. Several corpses littered the area, and there was no sign of the goods. "Well, this was a waste of time," Hawke said, trying not to think about the lives that were lost here because of something she was invested in.

"Not a complete waste," Isabela said as she began looting the area. "This one," she kicked the body closest to her. "This one belongs to you Lilley, doesn't he?"

Lilley crossed the sanded area to get a closer look. "Interesting," she said as she knelt down for a closer inspection. "He's not one of mine, but he is Coterie. One of Brekker's men."

Hawke tensed at the admission. "So the Coterie are the one's robbing us, and you're what, here to make sure we didn't find out?"

"Don't be a fool," Lilley said. "I wouldn't admit knowing him if that were true. Hubert has always been good on his payments, so the Coterie are under orders not to touch him or you. But Brekker...he tends to have more balls than sense. He would go against orders for personal gain, that's just like him."

"We need to stop these attacks," Hawke said. "I can not have any more of my men die."

"Consider it done," Lilley stated. "Meet me in Darktown in an hour. I'll go get us a lead on Brekker, and then we'll strike while he's counting his coin. He won't get away with this."

After Lilley took off back to Kirkwall, Isabela continued to loot the area. "So we have an hour to kill? I can think of something the four of us could do..."

Hawke, Fenris, and Anders glared at the pirate before they began dealing with the mess Brekker's men left behind. After everything that could be salvaged was, Anders and Hawke lit the pyres they'd created for the fallen men. The very least she could do was send them to the Maker like this, instead of leaving their corpses to rot.

* * *

_Dearest Father,_

_The day did not end as I had planned, but we managed to stop Brekker and his band of thieves. When we arrived in Darktown, we found Lilley dead. Apparently she got too close to Brekker, and he was aware of why she was looking for him, so he had her killed. I informed one of Lilley's companions, who led the way to Brekker's hideout. He was easy enough to find, hiding out in the sewers below Darktown._

_I almost had a difficult time speaking with Brekker, for the uncanny way he sounded exactly like Anders when he spoke! As the man insulted me for being from Ferelden, I kept looking between him and Anders, as if my mage friend were making the insults himself. Odd how some people sound alike in this city. Fenris and Samson, Sebastian and Bran, now Anders and Brekker? I wonder if they are all somehow related?_

_Anyway, I tried to warn Brekker, give him a way out alive, and asked him to leave my shipments alone. But all he could do was threaten me, complain that us Fereldens just can't do Kirkwall a favor and die, so the fight was on. Unfortunately, Brekker and his men didn't make it out alive._

_I let Hubert know that there would be no more problems with our shipments, but he informed me of yet another problem. Told me the miners had stopped working again, something about a pest infestation. Again I wonder sometimes why I took on this extra burden? I assured Hubert I would go to the Bone Pit in the morning. For now, some much needed sleep is in order._

As Hawke watched the letter burn in the fireplace, a knock at the front door startled her. It was well past midnight; whoever it was better have a good explanation for such a late night visit. Bodahn had already retired for the evening, so Hawke went to the door to see just who had the audacity to come calling at such a late hour.

The very last person she had expected was standing before her, an apologetic expression gracing his handsome face. "I'm sorry Hawke, I know it's late."

"It's fine Sebastian," she said, opening the door wider for him to enter the estate. "Is everything alright?"

"No," he said, continuing on into the living room.

Hawke felt her heart pounding in her chest. She hadn't seen him in days, and now he was here, and obviously upset about something. She followed him into the living room. "Tell me," she said softly. "What is it?"

Sebastian turned to look at her. "I must speak with you," he said. "About us."


	50. Non-Quest: The Future

Hawke stood nervously behind Sebastian as he gazed into the fire. His words echoed in her mind as she studied his posture, how he wanted to speak about their relationship. He was nervous, tense. He had said nothing since he arrived, gathering his thoughts maybe, she wasn't sure. But the silence was beginning to overwhelm her.

"Talk to me Sebastian," Hawke whispered, gently placing her hand on his shoulder. "What can I do to make this easier for you?"

Sebastian turned to look at her, his blue eyes filled with a sadness she hadn't seen since he talked about his family. Was this pained expression now directed toward her and their future together? If there would even be a future? He reached for her hand and she accepted, and he led her to the couch. Hawke settled on to the soft cushion and Sebastian sat beside her, close enough for their knees to be touching. He did not release her hand as he began.

"The first time I was sent to the Chantry, I hated it," Sebastian admitted. "I understand now that my parents had sent me there for several reasons. My behavior led me to be a disgrace to the family name, the way I carried on with women and drink. Hiding me in another city was a logical decision on their part, and if it worked out that I became a brother of faith, they'd come off looking better for having made that decision for me."

"If I remember correctly, you were still quite young when they sent you away," Hawke said. "That could not have been easy for you."

Sebastian shook his head. "No, it wasn't. I had been a prisoner of sorts at first; I wasn't locked in my room, but I was watched by a member of my parents' personal guard. One supper I found a note under my plate, someone offering to help me escape. I assumed it was one of the many women of Starkhaven I had taken to my bed, someone who cared enough to find me and try to help free me for the reward of being with me again." He paused for a moment. "I hate to admit my arrogance and ego back then."

Hawke gave his hand a gentle squeeze, trying to picture a time when the man before her was flirtatious and cocky. She couldn't see it, knowing him as he is now, but this wasn't the first time he had admitted to his colorful past. "And so you escaped."

"Aye," Sebastian said. " Conveniently my guard turned in early for the night, and so I snuck out of my room. The letter I received told me where I could find rope and a bow to ease my flight. I found an open window, secured the rope, and freedom was mine. It was dark out, so when the figure of a woman approached me, I did not recognize her at first. Not until she was as close as you and I are now did I find out it was Elthina."

"The Grand Cleric?" Hawke did not expect that. "Why?"

"She didn't care for the way my parents handled the situation, the situation being me. That my parents had used the Chantry for political gain upset her."

Hawke didn't understand. "Besides preventing further misdeeds on your part, how did they use the Chantry in that way?"

"Becoming a Chantry Brother meant living a chaste lifestyle," Sebastian explained. "Up until that point I was lucky enough to not have fathered any bastard children. This was my parents way to ensure that would never happen. One of my brothers would take the throne, and then his heirs after him, and the Vael's would continue to rule over Starkhaven for generations to come."

"Sounds like Elthina was looking out for you from the very beginning then," Hawke said.

"Indeed. She handed me the endowment my parents left, told me to use it to start another life if the Chantry wasn't the one that I had wanted. When I realized I could have done anything, been anyone, gone anywhere... the only place I wanted to go was back to the Chantry. Not because it was what my parents wanted, but because, for the first time, someone let me decide what I wanted for myself." Sebastian paused, unconsciously tightening his hold on Hawke's hand. "For years the Chantry has been what I wanted. And now... now I'm faced with another decision."

"Remaining in the Chantry or ruling Starkhaven," Hawke said.

Sebastian nodded. "But it is more than that. I've been a part of the Chantry for over a decade now. I never would've even considered giving it up, but then my family was murdered. And all I could think about was revenge. And then there you were, taking up my cause without even having met me."

"That was not a difficult decision on my part," Hawke said. "When I read that the Flint Company had even killed the children, I had to do something."

"You did not have to protect me when I confronted the Harrimans," Sebastian continued. "But you did. You did not let me fall under the weight of the words that desire demon spewed, nor have you tried to influence my decision on the Chantry or Starkhaven. Elthina, on the other hand, has made her opinion perfectly clear."

"She wants what she believes is best for you," Hawke stated.

Sebastian stood then, releasing Hawke's hand as he returned to gaze into the fire. "That's just it Hawke, the problem I have had most of my life. My parents did what they thought was best. Elthina as well." He turned to look at her. "You have never been clear in what it is _you_ want me to do."

"What does it matter what I want?" Hawke asked. "This isn't my decision to make, and was never about me."

"That is where you're wrong," Sebastian whispered. "This is very much about you."

Hawke hadn't expected those words from him. She had always assumed that while she might have been a small part of it, the bigger decision was always his faith or his title. To hear their relationship, whatever it was at this point, carried more weight than she was aware, frightened her.

"I am fearful you will resent me in the future," she admitted. "If what I think truly matters to you, then I will tell you. But please know it comes from a place of extreme bias, as I can not think clearly sometimes when it comes to you."

Sebastian laughed, breaking the tension in the air. "Nor I when it comes to you." He returned to the couch and sat beside her. "Every time I try to think about what is the right thing for me to do, my thoughts drift to what would benefit the both of us. So I say again, this decision is very much about you."

"Do you want me to say that I want you to leave the Chantry?" Hawke asked quietly. "Fine, I do. I want you to give up that life, let me help you reclaim Starkhaven, and then I want the both of us to live happily ever after. But that is a young girl's fantasy Sebastian, it's not important, and certainly not something you should base a life changing decision upon."

"It is important," Sebastian insisted, and he raised his free hand to caress her cheek. " _You_ are important, and I can no longer deny that a future with you, regardless whether it's in Starkhaven, Kirkwall, or elsewhere, is a third option that I want to, and _must_ , consider."

"Then consider it," Hawke said. "But know whatever you decide, I will support you."

Sebastian pulled his hand away, and lifted hers to his lips. After a soft kiss to the back of her hand, he stood. "I know. Though I do not deserve your patience in this matter, I do appreciate it."

"You have it," Hawke assured him. "For however long it takes."

She walked him to the door, and then watched as he set off into the night, no doubt returning to the Chantry. Though she would've rather him stay the night, giving her a chance to sway his decision in her favor, she knew that wasn't a possibility.

Not yet, anyway.

* * *

_**Author's Note: A short story written about Sebastian's escape attempt can be found on the Bioware Exiled Prince website, written by Jennifer Hepler.** _


	51. Cave Crawling / Cavern of the Dead / Pickaxes

_Dearest Father,_

_These mines in the Bone Pit continue to be more trouble than they are worth sometimes. Production was stopped again, this time due to some extremely large and very hairy spiders. Maker, where do these things come from? Back in Lothering, the largest spider that made Carver scream like a girl was still no bigger than my thumb. These creatures towered over us, their bodies hitting the ceiling of the caverns they crawled within. Sad to think that one of the workers under my protection lost his life to those things, but thankfully with the help of Fenris, Isabela, and Sebastian, we managed to clean out the mines._

_Unfortunately, we weren't done. When we exited the mines, Jansen (sweetest guy, always going on about his wife, even wanted some spider fangs to make a necklace for her!) told us that the miners had uncovered some sealed off section of the mountain that housed a hoard of undead. I didn't believe him at first, thought maybe he was back on the drink, but sure enough when we checked it out, we were confronted by not only living corpses, but arcane horrors and a revenant! By this point I was regretting not bringing Anders along, as Fenris and Isabela got pretty banged up in the fight. But you know them Father, two fierce fighters that would never complain about being hurt. Isabela's only complaint was her clothes being ruined._

_After I gave Jansen the go-ahead for he and his men to get back to work, he hesitated a bit, as if afraid to speak to me. It took some prodding to get it out of him what he wanted to ask me, but eventually he made mention that Hubert was supposed to re-supply them with new pickaxes but hadn't done so yet. Jansen didn't want to burden me with even more problems, saying how it was unfair I had to constantly come by and rescue the workers and do all the dirty work while Hubert sits on his ass in the Hightown market. I tend to agree with him there, but if Hubert wasn't fulfilling his end of our partnership, I had to fill in. Jansen told me about a smith in Lowtown that was going to supply the crew with the new pickaxes, so I promised him I'd see to it they were delivered soon._

_On the walk back to Kirkwall, Fenris seemed a little more somber than usual. When I asked him what was on his mind, he told me that many slavers had died working in the Bone Pit over the decades. Claimed that their cries lingered in the stones. Kind of creepy the way he said it, but it got me thinking. Am I just as bad, providing these Ferelden refugees with work, only so that they may lose their lives to whatever darkness lingers in these caves? Jansen made mention that another one of his friends went missing, one we never found when we were in there. I had justified it all to myself for so long, that I was providing them work, coin, equipment, protection... but is it enough? No, not if lives are being lost. There has to be a better way, I just need to find it._

_Spending the day with Sebastian wasn't as awkward as I thought it might be. I figured maybe if I took him out and we did what we usually do, rid some dark corners of some creepy monsters, he wouldn't feel so pressured about the decision he has to make. I tried to keep things light, as light as you can when surrounded by hairy smelly spiders bigger than Gamlen's home, and walking mindless corpses. I think it worked though. He didn't seem as tense as usual, and was even joking with Isabela a bit over the spider guts she was pulling out of her cleavage. A teasing lecture from him about how she should dress properly to avoid this had even Fenris smiling._

_The man can work miracles, that's for sure._

_Isabela took off for a much needed bath, and so Sebastian, Fenris, and I tracked down the smith in Lowtown. Turns out he had the order all ready to go, but was waiting on payment. Tomorrow Hubert and I are going to have a long talk about what it means to run these mines! Fifteen sovereigns later, the supplies were on their way. Hopefully they meet Jansen's approval and the men can have an easier time of it._

* * *

When Bodahn announced that Aveline had come visiting, Hawke was surprised. It had been some time since she'd seen the guard-captain, not since she refused to help in aiding Feynriel in the Fade. Hawke didn't blame her for not wanting to participate in such a ritual, and given the outcome, it was the last thing Hawke wanted to discuss. "Am I to assume this unexpected visit means there's trouble?" Hawke asked, fearing the answer. She was still exhausted from the mines, and had hoped for a quiet evening.

"There was," Aveline stated. "Rumor has it you took care of it though."

Hawke ran through her recent activities, trying to figure out what Aveline was referring to. She wouldn't care about the Bone Pit, and since they had just returned, that couldn't have been it. Was it the Coterie that was stealing from her? Again, personal business, shouldn't catch the red-heads attention. Finally it clicked. "Is this about those raiders?"

Aveline nodded. "You know it is," she said as she made herself comfortable on the couch. "I thought we were friends Hawke. Why would you not bring this to my attention?"

Hawke shrugged. "I didn't see it as anything but helping the guard clear out the coast," she said. "How does that make us not friends exactly?"

"Those under my command were in trouble, it should've been me out there assisting, not you," Aveline stated.

"Aveline, Lieutenant Harley and her men were pinned down by a blood mage," Hawke explained. "There was very little time, certainly not enough to come running back to Kirkwall to get you. I admit I probably should've come to find you afterward to let you know what happened, but I assumed Harley would have had to file some report."

Aveline nodded. "She did. That's how I found out you were involved."

Hawke eyed Aveline suspiciously. "What's this really about Aveline? You never would've left them to get backup, so I know you agree with my decision to stay and help. What's this visit really about?"

The guard-captain stood to stir the fire, refusing to meet Hawke's gaze. "You're right, it's not about that. And you know I'm not very comfortable with the emotional stuff."

"Go on," Hawke encouraged.

"It's been a long time since you and I have spoken," Aveline finally admitted. "I know I've been busy, and you have your hands full. But there are very few I consider a friend Hawke, and I don't want us to lose sight of that."

Hawke smiled as she walked over to Aveline. "You're right, we've both been a little preoccupied as of late. And I've missed you too," she added, saying what she knew Aveline never would. "How about tomorrow you come help me knock some sense into Hubert about maintaining the Bone Pit mines, and we catch up then."

Aveline nodded. "I'd like that. So, we're good then?"

"We've been good," Hawke assured her. "Busy, but good."

"That's... that's good then," Aveline said,. "Oh, and here," she added, handing a purse of coin to Hawke and happy to change the subject. "You never came by the Keep to see Jalen about the reward for the raiders. It comes with a warning though. Jalen is concerned Evets may try to seek revenge for what happened to his second in command and half the marauders. Keep an eye out Hawke, Evets is dangerous."

Hawke sighed. "I'll just add him to the list of people that want me dead. He'll have to get in line these days."

Aveline shook her head. "You should be more careful," she said as they walked to the front door. "I can't always be around to watch your back. If you get into any more trouble, I'll have to assign a few guards to watch you."

"On top of the ones doing so already?" Hawke asked with a grin, opening the door and nodding to the patrol passing by.

Aveline blushed. "So Hubert, tomorrow then."

Hawke nodded. "I look forward to it."


	52. A Story Being Told - Tethras Signet Ring

_Dearest Father,_

_In the years I have spent with my companions, I have come to realize I know very little about some of their personal lives. Sure, we share blood, sweat, and tears together, and more than a few too many drinks, but it's rare that we share serious conversation about upbringing and family. Well, at least for them, as I seem to have a nasty habit of bringing up my family on perhaps too many occasions._

_I know a bit about Sebastian's family, and Aveline's husband I had met, but I know nothing about Isabela's, or Merril's. Fenris' family I am learning about as he does, and Anders doesn't speak of his past that doesn't involved Wardens or Templars. I knew absolutely nothing about Varric's family either, until today._

_I had forgotten about the signet ring I found while browsing the Trinkets Emporium in Lowtown until I came across it again while cleaning out some of the trunks in the mansion (which reminds me, it's almost time to deliver all this other stuff I found in my travels...might as well have Bodahn take the entire trunk of miscellaneous finds to Varric's to sort and deliver when we have some time). I went to the Hanged Man to return it to him and found Varric surrounded by his usual crowd of fans as he was retelling the story of the battles in the Bone Pit Mines._

_In all honesty Father, I have no idea what he gets out of spinning these wild tales. I asked him about it, curious why he doesn't bolster his own ego, make himself out to be the hero sometimes. Varric insists there's always a loveable dwarf in these stories with a gorgeous crossbow and a heart of gold, but he also says there's power in stories. Take a look back at history, and most of what we know is what's been told to us and not what has been written. True I suppose, maybe Varric should've been a bard instead of whatever it is he calls himself this week._

_On second thought, I've heard him sing, so maybe not._

_When I offered him the ring I had found, his eyes lit up. Varric doesn't show his emotions on the surface, but the small glint I saw was proof that he cared more than he let on about having lost it. The original owner of the ring was his father, and his brother Bartrand had sold it to the merchant in Lowtown to help gather funds for our expedition a few years back. Varric was surprised to learn it was still in Kirkwall, and went on to say that me finding it was exactly the type of fake story he would've made up about me._

_Silly dwarf._

_But it got him to open up a little more about his family. I know far more than I care to about Bartrand, but hearing the history of the Tethras family was actually quite fascinating. His father, Andvar Tethras, had fled from Orzammar after being found guilty of fixing Provings, a sort of honor battle that the dwarves hold within the underground city. Varric was born in Kirkwall, which makes sense considering the contacts he has and the way he knows all the secret hideouts and tunnels around here. He was only two when his father died, and his mother Ilsa ended up drowning her sorrows in the very tavern Varric now calls home._

_With the absence of both parents, it was left to Bartrand to raise Varric. At the young age of ten, Bartrand had entered into the Dwarven Merchant's Guild as a way to bring in some coin for the family, and a mere five years later he had risen within their ranks and done pretty well for the Tethras brothers. Unfortunately their mother never survived her grief over losing her husband, and she too died while Varric was very young._

_After hearing this from Varric, it is clearer to me now why Varric chose to save his brother rather than kill him. For all his faults and what he put us through by leaving us in the Deep Roads, Bartrand was a father to Varric growing up. While Varric quickly became far more intelligent than his older brother, Bartrand stepped up when it mattered, when a two year old sibling had just lost his father, and his mother was never around._

_Varric quickly changed topics after revealing all of this, offering to put me on his tab for finding the ring, and then immediately went searching for letters from Orzammar that needed responding to. I think this was the most serious conversation we had ever had, and the most sharing Varric had possibly done with anyone. If it was, I am honored that he chose to share this story with me._


	53. Questioning Beliefs: Merrill - Honoring the Fallen

When Hawke didn't get a response from her rapid knocking on Merrill's door, she opened it to see if the mage was home, and if she was alright. She found Merrill sitting at her table, apparently deep in thought. Hawke cleared her throat to announce her presence, and Merrill finally looked up at her.

"Oh, Hawke!" Merrill exclaimed. "I'm sorry, I didn't see you there."

"Or hear me, apparently," Hawke said as she sat opposite Merrill. "I was knocking, but you didn't answer. I was concerned."

Merrill looked away. "I'm sorry, I was just...thinking. Am I crazy?"

"Is this a trick question?" Hawke asked lightly. When she saw the serious look on the mage's face, she continued. "No, of course not Merrill. What brought this on?"

Merrill sighed, her expression full of despair. "I thought the Arulin'Holm would fix everything. The mirror would work, and everything would be right again."

"Meaning your clan would accept you," Hawke said.

"Yes," Merrill confirmed. "But lately I haven't been able to do anything except remember Pol's face, dreaming about him. The way he looked at me, the way the others do. Everyone I care for thinks I'm a monster."

"I don't think that way Merrill," Hawke stated. "I know Varric doesn't see you as a monster either. Even Isabela adores you. Do our opinions not matter? Only the Dalish?"

Merrill's face flushed with embarrassment. "No, no of course not, that's not what I meant. It's just, oh, I don't know. The way the clan sees me now, I'm sure the stories they tell about me scared Pol enough to run from me in those caves. One look at me and he just took off. I wish he would've listened, given me a chance to explain."

"Tell me about him," Hawke asked. "What was he like?"

"He was with the clan for a long time, found us when he fled from the Denerim Alienage. When we were in Ferelden, Junar taught him the basics of a bow, but he was a fast learner. Soon he was helping Junar train the others in the clan." Merrill thought for a moment. "He was always a bit shy, but I think he may have been involved with Radha. Either that, or she was really bad at archery since they had many private lessons together alone and away from camp. Maybe she should've tried daggers instead?"

"I agree, sounds like Pol was more than just her trainer," Hawke said. "Wasn't Radha one of the hunters we found near the Varterral hunting grounds?"

Merrill nodded. "Pol probably went looking for her and the others when they went missing."

"Her death must have had an impact on him if he cared for her," Hawke offered. "Perhaps it was his grief that drove him toward the Varterral."

"Maybe," Merrill shrugged. "Or a combination. I still wish there was some way we could've saved him. At least we were able to return the amulets of the other hunters that went missing to the Keeper. I carved their names into the frame of the Eluvian. Wanna see?"

"Sure." Hawke stood and followed Merrill into her bedroom where the broken Eluvian stood in the corner. Carved into the wood on the left side was Radha's name. On the right was Harshal, on the bottom Chandan, and at the top, newly etched from the looks of it, was Pol.

"I wasn't sure if this was the right thing to do," Merrill said, brushing away the shavings of wood around Pol's name. "I wanted to honor them too, but Marethari would never permit me to attend the tree planting ceremony, so this is all I could think of."

Hawke studied the broken glass within the frame, the reflection of herself distorted from the cracked shards. Though Merrill insisted it didn't work, Hawke thought she heard faint whispers coming from the object, and the hair on the back of her neck rose as a chill rippled over her skin. She took a step back and shook her head. "So the the Arulin'Holm hasn't been a help to you yet?" she asked, hoping what she had just experienced was just her imagination.

Merrill sat in front of the mirror. "No, not yet. So far its only use was to carve the names of my clanmates. I'll figure it out. Maybe then their deaths will mean something then."

* * *

_Dearest Father,_

_I'm still at a loss when it comes to understanding Merrill. Sometimes she's so sweet, innocent, lost in the world she lives in now, and other times I have to remind myself that she has made deals with demons. When you look at her, all wide-eyed and curious, she's no different than a child lost in the wonderment of it all. To think that she has the ability to split her skin and use her own blood for power...I can't imagine ever going that far with magic._

_We talked a bit today about her clan, and that is something else that puzzles me. To have lived your entire life with a group of people that have turned their backs on you, why would you insist on travelling down the road that you know they disapprove of? She's lonely, she misses them, that is easy to see and hear when you speak with her, but yet she still daydreams over making that mirror work, regaining her people's history somehow, and thinks that would make it all better._

_The clan has been very clear about not wanting her to pursue this course she is on, and it's the only way they'd take her back, so why does she do it? I try to imagine defying you and Mother over something, anything, but I suppose I can't think of anything that would be worth losing the both of you or your respect. I fear the Keeper was right, I fear that Merrill will only find more darkness on this path, and I have been supportive and helpful in her cause._

_Am I assisting her in losing everyone she has loved forever? Am I enabling her to fall further into the thralls of blood magic and demons? Should I have taken the Keeper's word and not helped her when I did, turned my back on her as they did and hope it was enough of a lesson? Foolish to think this way, I know, since she didn't listen to her own family, why would she listen to me?_

_I wish you were here to advise me, to maybe tell me a better way to handle this. You were always so adamant that Bethany and I never even get near the thought of blood magic, so you must have known more about it than we did. I wish you could talk to Merrill, make her see as you made us see that this is just not the way._

_She's lost Father. And when it comes to her and how to help her, so am I._


	54. Find and Deliver - Sketchy on the Details

_**Author's Note: This chapter includes a scene with the Arishok that is not a quest requirement. The conversation can be triggered if you enter the compound after completing Offered and Lost.** _

* * *

As Sebastian approached the Hawke Estate, he grew concerned over the high pitched shrieking sound he heard coming from within. It wasn't Hawke's cry of distress, he'd know her melodic voice in any large crowd. But it was definitely feminine, and unfamiliar to him. Cautiously he knocked on the large wooden door, and the shrieks turned into whispers before the door slowly opened.

"Prince Vael," Orana acknowledged quietly. She did not open the door wide enough to welcome him, and blocked his view into the home with her small frame. "I'm, uh, afraid this isn't the best time for a visit."

Sebastian studied the elven servant girl, her nervousness clear in her expression. "Is everything alright Orana? Is Hawke in trouble?"

She shook her head. "No, no trouble, just bad timing. Come back later. Much, much later."

Hawke's voice called from behind her in the foyer. "Will you let him in Orana and stop making such a fuss?"

He was glad to hear Hawke was alright, and Orana apprehensively opened the door. Sebastian offered her a smile before squeezing into the little room she'd offer him to enter. He found Hawke sitting on the floor in the foyer, surrounded by a clutter of mess.

"Forgive me for not getting up to greet you," Hawke said as she looked up at Sebastian. "I'm afraid if I move, I'll misplace something and have to start all over again."

Another shriek came from Orana, before she ran quickly out of the foyer. "Is she going to be alright?" Sebastian asked as he leaned against the wall.

Hawke laughed. "I don't think she'll forgive me for a week. Apparently she just polished the floor, and I've gone and made a mess of things. Orana's wonderful, but her need for perfection and order can be a bit overwhelming at times."

"What is all this?" Sebastian asked, glancing at the semi-circle of items around Hawke.

"This," Hawke said, "is what Varric likes to refer to as my collection of crap. Odd things I've picked up over the year and saved for one reason or another. Varric was kind enough to bring me all of the missing item notes from the Guild and Chantry boards, so I'm just trying to figure out what goes where so I can return them."

Sebastian knelt before the assortment of objects. "These are some… interesting things, to say the least."

"One man's junk is another man's treasure, or something," Hawke recited. "Honestly I don't know why anyone would wish to have an old pair of pantaloons returned, or a petrified finger, but nevertheless, I have notes from their owners."

"I think the better question is why would you save it to begin with?" Sebastian asked. "I don't mean to question your taste in keepsakes Hawke, but one might question your sanity with this collection."

Hawke laughed. "It started off logically enough. When I first came to Kirkwall I did it because I needed the coin. The owners offer rewards, they must I suppose to encourage someone to lug a corpse to Lowtown."

"You certainly don't need the coin now," Sebastian stated.

"No, now I do it for charity," Hawke told him. "I'll take the reward money from all of this and give it to Lirene at her import shop in Lowtown. She accepts donations for the Ferelden refugees that have remained in Kirkwall since the Blight."

"There is so much about this city and its people that I still don't know," Sebastian admitted. "Perhaps I can convince the Grand Cleric to make a donation as well."

"I'm sure Lirene would appreciate it, as well as the refugees," Hawke told him. "You're welcome to come with me if you'd like, help me lug some of this stuff around Kirkwall? I can fill you in on some other unknowns you may not be aware of."

Sebastian stood and extended his hand to help Hawke to her feet. "I'd like that."

* * *

_Dearest Father,_

_The day started off well, much to my surprise. I had anticipated on making my deliveries of random personal items on my own, which would've required several trips back home since I couldn't possibly have carried them all. But when Sebastian stopped by and offered to come along, that made things much simpler._

_And the company was nice as well._

_We took care of what I had for Hightown first so we'd have less to carry later. I thought it was funny that the petrified finger belonged to Sister Phylias. Her face turned a bright red when I presented it to her with Sebastian by my side, but she thanked me politely and offered the reward. I told her she could keep it and give it to the Chantry, as we had plenty more items to deliver that could benefit Lirene and the refugees. A quick stop in the market took care of two more items, and then we headed for Lowtown._

_When he isn't travelling with us, Sebastian spends most of his time in the Chantry, and so there were many areas of Kirkwall he was not familiar with. He had been through them, sure, but wasn't familiar with the people. I brought him to Lirene's so he could meet her, and she explained to him what the reward money would be used for. He also met Faj and Gerralt, whom I had items to return to, and all the merchants, including Lady Elegant. Even though the woman had married a few years ago, that didn't stop the herbalist from fawning over Sebastian. I certainly can't blame her for that._

_We made a brief stop into the Hanged Man to see Waxler, who was overjoyed that I had found his favorite hat. Isabela and Varric were kind enough to nod and smile from their corner table without approaching us. It might have been the stern Keep Away look I had given them, since I was enjoying spending the day with Sebastian alone. Remind me to thank them later._

_Perhaps taking Sebastian to Darktown wasn't the brightest idea, his shiny white armor catching everyone's attention. But I was more than surprised when he and the Whiskey Master began comparing drinks across Thedas! Sometimes I forget Sebastian wasn't always as pure and good as he is now, that there is a past he regrets, but is a part of him nonetheless. We were going to visit Anders, but the line outside the clinic told us he was quite busy, so we decided against it._

_I showed Sebastian the location of the secret entrance into the Estate near the clinic, and immediately his expression grew to one of concern. He insisted I allow him to set traps in the basement, even after I told him that we had locked and barred the door quite heavily from inside. I dare say he was being a bit overprotective, but I didn't mind, I thought it was sweet of him to care so much and told him so._

_Sebastian was more than familiar with everyone in the Gallows, so that was a quick stop for us. Carver wasn't around for me to talk to, and even Cullen couldn't be found anywhere. Now that I write about it, I can't recall seeing any of the usual faces in the area. Not that I minded, since most of the regulars know I'm a mage. When I returned the gems I found to Azure, I asked him why the place was so deserted. He told me that Meredith was working the Templars harder than usual, and that the mages time outdoors had been restricted without the excess supervision. It was an odd, eerie feeling to be there, so we left as quickly as possible._

_I had something for the ship spotter, and I wanted to inform Sketchy that we had taken care of the multiple groups of assassins that were after him, so we went to the docks next. I wish now that we hadn't, because I was not prepared for the confrontation that took place._

* * *

Hawke walked with her head down, staring at her feet as they approached the stairway out of the docks. She did her best to keep herself out of view from the Qunari that stood guard at the compound, but she could feel his eyes on her regardless of her efforts.

Sebastian noticed the change in her demeanor. "Hawke?"

His saying her name only confirmed to the Qunari guard that it was her, and he left his post to block their path into Lowtown. "The Arishok wishes to speak with you, human."

"So close," Hawke muttered low enough for only Sebastian to hear. "I had hoped to avoid this."

"Do you expect trouble?" Sebastian asked. "Shall I get some of the others?"

"I have a feeling the Arishok waits for no one," Hawke pointed out, as the guard stood on the stairs leading to the Qunari compound, waiting for them to follow. "This is not going to end well, I just know it."

Sebastian placed his hand on the small of her back as she walked up the steps. "I am right beside you Hawke," he said.

But she was still uneasy. Every time they had been forced to have dealings with the Arishok, it ended with another threat to Kirkwall. Hawke began to wonder if the Arishok was aware of what she had done, encouraging Varnell to slit the throats of those kidnapped Qunari delegates. A panic gripped hold of her heart, and her legs nearly gave out. She took several deep breaths as they walked across the courtyard of the compound, and put on her best card playing face of confidence. He wouldn't attack her outright in front of Sebastian, would he? A

She had never wished for Fenris to be by her side more than at that very moment.

"So human," the Arishok began as they stood in front of his throne. "My delegate was taken from the Viscount's doorstep, and yet he still claims control of this city. I thought it impossible, but I respect him even less." His stare became more intense. "How do you explain the condition of their bodies?"

Hawke swallowed hard, wondering if the Arishok could hear the loud thumping of her heart within her chest, but she composed herself long enough to answer. "A fanatic used them to insight others of his kind," she told him honestly. To lie now would be foolish, as she suspected he would see right through that, but she saw nothing wrong with omitting her part in what had happened.

"Used them, yes," the Arishok acknowledged. "But for them to be burned nearly beyond recognition, this suggests there is more to the story."

Hawke shifted uncomfortably, but again, remained as honest as possible without revealing the entire truth. "I believe that may have been done to lessen the blow, so you would not see how much torment the fanatic placed upon them."

"I suspected as much," he stated. "It is useful to know how far you and your viscount will go to appease me, human. How much I am feared." The Arishok stood, making himself appear even more intimidating than usual. "I am pleased, but not by you. Leave."

Hawke did not need to be told twice, as she immediately turned to exit the compound, Sebastian following close behind. As the gate slammed shut behind them, and they turned the corner toward the stairs to Lowtown, Hawke took a moment to calm herself. It was only with great effort that she did not lose the contents of her stomach in front of Sebastian.


	55. Tevinter Chantry Amulet - Friendly Concern

_**Author's Note: In Act 2, the Friendly Concern quest is Varric's, where he discusses his thoughts on whatever relationship Hawke is in after he/she consummates said relationship - obviously this does not trigger for Sebastian since he's playing hard to get. I decided to add the quest anyway, but give it to someone other than Varric. So while this isn't a "do what I want" chapter like I've been doing for every tenth, I'm doing it anyway.** _

* * *

_Dearest Father,_

_I went to see Anders today. Perhaps it was foolish of me to see him alone, knowing that he still has feelings for me, but I doubted he'd want me to share this gift exchange with anyone else present. When we were going after Hadriana for Fenris, I found a Tevinter Chantry amulet, and had always intended on giving it to Anders. As usual, time got away from me, and only today did I have an opportunity to present it to him._

_At first he was upset with me for the gift, claiming that I wanted him to get executed by giving him the item. I am well aware of the differences between the Imperial Chantry and our own under the Divine of the Chantry of Andraste, but maybe he didn't know that. He began telling me how it was sacrilege to wear such a thing in these lands, but I assured him my reason for giving him the amulet was not to get him killed._

_Though I don't agree with those who may follow the "Black Divine" as they do in Tevinter, I always wondered what life would be like if mages were allowed to freely use their gifts in public without fear of Templars. There, magic is a gift, mages are respected and accepted. Imagine living that kind of life Father, never having to hide who you are? Though I've seen how it can unravel quickly, and Fenris has told many a tale about how the true rulers of the area are blood mages, but still the idea of being allowed to be yourself is still a nice dream to have._

_That was my thought behind the gift, and I told Anders so. I know it is his dream as well, to never have to fear the templars or return to the Circle. I meant for it to be a symbol of that freedom, that dream, that I know both he and Justice have. He questioned me whether it was my dream or not as well. I told him of course it was, a nice fantasy to have, but I have to be realistic and remember that a change like that won't happen in my lifetime._

_I thought maybe he was going to say something else on the matter, as it appeared he was struggling with himself, or maybe Justice, to continue the conversation. When I asked him what was on his mind, he took a step back, and then told me there_ was _something he wished to discuss with me, but it wasn't about mages and their freedom._

_It was about Sebastian._

* * *

"A few of us have been talking," Anders began. "Trying to figure out which one of us would address this with you."

"Uhoh," Hawke said with a smile. "What is it I've done now? If more than one of you are involved, it can't be good."

Anders paced the clinic for a moment before continuing. "We are all aware of your…choice in companionship, shall we say."

"You mean Sebastian," Hawke said, folding her arms across her chest.

"Yes," Anders acknowledged. "And while none of us feel it is our place to question your decision, there is concern about what the future holds for you."

The smile faded quickly from her face. "Do tell, what exactly does the future hold for me? I'm curious to know myself. And who all has been having these discussions?"

"All of us, I think," Anders admitted. "Though it's not like there was a big meeting about it. I may have said something to Isabela, as did Merrill, who talked to Varric, who heard from Fenris as well as Aveline, who spoke with Carver…"

"Carver?" Hawke interrupted. "I haven't been able to see my brother for five minutes, but he's had the time to discuss my 'choice of companionship' as you put it, with Aveline? This is too much, really. Have you all nothing better to do?"

Anders approached her. "We are concerned," he said again. "You are traveling down a road that can only end in heartache, and none of us who care for you wish to see that happen."

"I appreciate the concern," Hawke told him. "But I can assure you, and wish for you to tell the others, that I am fine. I am well aware of the...difficulties I will face in the future, but it is my future to face. In truth, I have no idea what is happening with Sebastian and I. He needs to figure out what he wants first."

"And while he takes the time to figure that out, what about you?" Anders asked. "You've put your life on hold, waiting and hoping, for something that may never be."

Hawke dropped her arms in front of her and stared into her hands to avoid his gaze. "Isn't that what you do when you care for someone?" she asked quietly, hoping it wasn't too painful a question, knowing how he felt about her. "You wait, and hope, even if you know it may never be?"

He closed the distance between them. "I can not understand why you torment yourself like this. With him, you deny yourself a warm hand," Anders said, taking her hand in his. With the other, he gently caressed her cheek. "A loving touch. The assurance that your partner knows and appreciates what he has." Remembering himself, he withdrew and took a step back. "Is that not important to you?"

Hawke felt her cheeks flush from his touch, and didn't want to admit that the absence of his hand also had an effect on her. "Everyone is different Anders," she tried justifying her feelings. "If it were you, yes, I would expect the warmth of your touch as a sign of affection. If it had been Fenris, I know his over-protective nature toward me would be how he'd show he cared. Sebastian does so in his own way as well. You may not recognize it because it's not how you would do things, but it's there."

"You have known love before," Anders reminded her. "You told me you were engaged once, and I'm sure that engagement came with more than someone opening a door for you, or assisting you in killing bandits on the Wounded Coast. How can you stand here and say you do not miss the affection, the feel of someone's arms around you in a loving embrace? He can't even admit there is something there! It's clear you want there to be, but it is also clear that the Chantry is his love, not you."

A small sigh escaped her. "I never said I didn't miss it," Hawke whispered. "But regardless of where his heart is, mine is with him. I can't change that Anders, no matter how much you wish it."

"This isn't about me," Anders insisted.

"Isn't it?" Hawke asked. "You tell me these things that I am doing wrong, but is it not exactly what you have been doing? It's the topic that everyone knows but no one talks about, how you quietly waste away in this clinic pining for me. I wish things were different, I wish I could take away that pain for you, but I can't help how I feel and who I feel it for anymore than you can."

The embarrassed expression on his face tore at her heart, but Hawke knew this was a conversation that was long overdue. When he didn't respond, she continued. "You are one of my closest friends Anders, very dear to my heart. But everything you have just said to me I could say the same to you. Can you give up loving me as easily as you are asking me to give up loving him?"

"What about when he turns one of us over to the Templars?" Anders asked, deflecting from her statement. "Or you? Will you still love him then? Your money and position might not be enough to save you, and Merrill and I would be as good as dead, or worse, made tranquil!"

Hawke shook her head. "Sebastian would never do that. He has been a friend to all of us, to you. Did you forget he came with us and helped take Alrik down? He even stood beside us when we confronted Elthina on Alrik's plan!" She took a moment to calm her rising anger, reminding herself that his questions stemmed from jealousy more than his belief in them. "He would never do that," she repeated softly.

"Your heart truly has made you blind," Anders said. "For your sake, for all of our sakes, I hope you are right." He turned from her and returned to his desk. "Thank you again, for the gift," he said dismissively.

Hawke left the clinic without another word, Anders' words weighing heavily on her mind. She felt she knew Sebastian, was sure in her heart that he would never betray her or her friends. But his love for the Chantry was strong, Anders was right about that. If a decision had to be made, Hawke wasn't so sure if she'd win against Sebastian's loyalty to the Chantry, or the Maker.

As for Anders, she wondered if their friendship could remain the same after this.


	56. A Ship For Isabela - Isabela's Ongoing Search

_Dearest Father,_

_I went to see Isabela today. I had been holding on to that ship in a bottle I found in the tunnels under Darktown, and since I've spent the past few days cleaning out the clutter, I figured today was as good a day as any to use it as an excuse to visit with her._

_Isabela was in her usual spot at the Hanged Man, corner of the bar downing some foul smelling liquid. She ordered me a glass before I could refuse, and then went on to tell me how she was close to finding the relic she had been searching for. It has been years since I have heard her even mention the thing, so she must be on to something._

_I know she's been afraid that Castillon will come after her. I tried to reassure her that she doesn't need this relic anymore, that she has enough friends in Kirkwall who would defend her, take down this Castillon and anyone he may send after her. We already did it once, with Hayder, and that was before most of us even knew Isabela. But for whatever reasons, Isabela has never accepted the offer to go after Castillon, and insists that she will only call upon us for help if she needs it to retrieve the relic. Whatever this thing is, it must be important enough for her to risk walking freely around Kirkwall with Castillon's men lurking in the shadows._

_Then again, Isabela's always been able to take care of herself._

_After she made it clear that going after Castillon wasn't an option, I decided to drop it. It was clear she made up her mind, and Maker knows once that happens, there's no changing it. So I presented her the bottle, and was quite surprised by her reaction._

_I know she isn't good at accepting anything for free, always looking for a catch behind it, or expecting someone wants something in return. But there was no question in her eyes, no refusal. She accepted it, admired it for several minutes, and then was genuinely thankful for the gesture. She then said it was probably the only ship she was going to have for a while, and I felt just horrible._

_I hadn't thought of it being a reminder of what she has lost. I wanted it to be more of a reminder of who she is, what she will no doubt have again. A goal, something to strive for, something to spend all the coin she has been saving on. I know she's been in Kirkwall for a while, but I know it hasn't been by choice. She belongs on the open seas, not trapped in the city of chains. No matter how uncomfortable she sometimes makes me feel, I adore Isabela, and she has been a good friend, and though she'll never admit her feelings to anyone, I know she hasn't been happy here._

_I wish I could do something for her. Perhaps that's why I allow her to make me so uncomfortable, or tease me, because I know she enjoys it. Not in any malicious way, but in the fun loving way that only Isabela can do and still make you love her all the same. As with every conversation, the serious expression on her face didn't last long, and it also didn't take long before she was doing just that, teasing me, about our last encounter._

"So, you and Sebastian," Isabela said. "Varric and I weren't at all offended at the brush off you gave us last time you were here. Is that the real reason for the gift? Guilt?"

Hawke gave her a shy smile. "I didn't mean anything by it Isabela, you know that. And no, the gift is simply that. A gift."

"Well, at least tell me this then," Isabela prodded. "Was your day together productive? Did he ring your Chantry bell?"

"Isabela!" Hawke laughed uncomfortably.

"Hmm," the pirate winked. "Judging by your flushed cheeks, I'd say either he did, or you have thought about it." She leaned in and whispered into Hawke's ear, "more than once."

Hawke turned away from the warmth of Isabela's breath on her neck. "Thought, yes. Happened, no."

Isabela sighed. "Am I going to have to have a talk with that boy? Maybe all those years among those repressed women has made him forget what it's like to have someone who clearly wants him, day after day, night after hot, sweaty, battle fatigued night..."

"Oh please don't," Hawke begged. "It's complicated enough without you embarrassing him like you seem to enjoy embarrassing me."

Isabela raised a brow. "Complicated is good, at least that means there's something there to be complicated. Well if you need my help, for seduction or fashion advice, you know where to find me."

"A true friend til the end," Hawke said, raising her glass to the rogue.

"Remember that Hawke," Isabela stated, suddenly very serious. "I am your friend, no matter what happens in the future." She clinked her glass with Hawke's, downed its contents, and then walked away before Hawke could say another word.


	57. Following the Qun - Herbalist's Tasks

_Dearest Father,_

_I'm not exactly sure where to begin. With my failure? My ignorance? How my mistakes may have cost the Viscount his son? How does one admit they were wrong, especially to their father?_

_I thought it would all be okay. I thought I could do the right thing by everyone. As it turns out, I didn't have a clue what I was up against until now. And now it's too late._

_Start at the beginning you always said. I guess that's as good a place as any to start. Bodahn told me I had received a letter, an important looking one by the looks of the messenger he said. He wasn't wrong, as the letter was from Viscount Dumar. What surprised me most about the letter wasn't that it was from him, but the contents within:_

Please come speak with me - and only me - in my keep. It is a matter of the utmost privacy and urgency, and I can trust it to no one else.

_I wasn't aware that we had established that sort of rapport. I have been supportive of him as much as possible, but to ask for me because he trusts no other, was a shock. I respected his wishes, and went to see him alone. Seneschal Bran did not look happy to see me; I suspect he was not considered to be someone Dumar trusted, and he knew it. He did not have the most pleasant expression when I greeted him before I entered the Viscount's office and closed the door behind me._

_Dumar began the visit by telling me about how the Qunari have not only defined his political life, but now they infected his family. He told me Saemus had converted to the Qun and left for the Qunari compound. I can't say I was surprised by this, after speaking with Saemus in the past and seeing his compassion for those beasts. But I_ was surprised _when the Viscount asked me to go and speak with Saemus, and convince him to come home._

_It didn't make sense to me, why the Arishok would accept a human. Dumar believed that since the Arishok has lost many men to death or defection, that he was trying to rebuild his army. Accepting Saemus into that army would be a huge political maneuver on the Arishok's part, which I didn't expect. I thought he hated the politics of this city, was he now beginning to play the game as well?_

_Dumar also claimed that I was the reason Saemus left. Not directly, but he said I inspired the boy in some way. I get what he was implying, because I have thought about it many times. The freedom to be what I want within the city. I don't know why that freedom has held as long as it has, but being a known mage walking the streets could make anyone believe anything was possible. But for Saemus to walk around Kirkwall as one of the Qunari, being the Viscount's son, I can see where Dumar was concerned. The political ramifications would be immense if those that were against the Qunari now believe the Viscount was supporting their stay here._

_A mess indeed, and I had been pulled right into the middle of it._

_I had no desire to return to the compound, and so I wasn't going to go it alone. I asked Sebastian, Fenris, and Varric to accompany me, perhaps more out of fear than needing to show numbers in front of the Arishok. He made it clear from our last encounter that he doesn't like me very much by saying he wasn't pleased with me. That's okay though, the feeling is very much mutual._

_On the way to the compound we were ambushed by a bunch of thugs. Sebastian wondered if maybe Saemus had set up the attack, that he had somehow heard I was coming to see him, and he was trying to avoid me. I told Sebastian that I didn't believe Saemus would do such a thing, but I wondered if it might have been the Qunari. Would they have bothered to hire the locals to try and stall us?_

_As we entered the compound, Sebastian asked if there was any chance the Arishok would just give us Saemus. Fenris' laugh in response disturbed me, but he was right in doing so. It was just wishful thinking on Sebastian's part, and we all knew it. This wasn't going to be an easy conversation, and I doubted the Arishok would even let us anywhere near Saemus._

_The Arishok used this opportunity to remind me that he has remained silent over the last four years while fanatics had come after him solely because of his existence. I don't think he understands the fear that having them around has brought to this city. He certainly doesn't understand my fear. I have seen them kill, many times without care, all in the name of their religion. If those fanatics knew half of what I knew, they might have committed bolder acts against the Qunari. But there he stood, claiming innocence during their stay here._

_The sad thing is, he actually believes that. Perhaps he has forgotten about the Qunari that defected and attacked the weak outside Kirkwall. Or his releasing his poisonous gas on our city. The Arishok conveniently forgets many of his own provocations, but of course I was too scared to tell him so._

_He told me that there were many that have come seeking refuge. I wasn't aware of this, having only known of Saemus. That made me wonder just how many of Kirkwall's citizens he had lurking beneath the compound. And did they run to him because they really believed in what he preached? Or did they do so simply out of fear, knowing he had the stronger army? Again, not questions I was comfortable asking, so I just got to the point of our visit._

_I did manage to bring up the fact that having Saemus as a convert was quite the advantage, being that he was the Viscount's son. The Arishok insisted that to him, Saemus was no longer the Viscount's son, just another convert. But he also said that the Qun may demand they use that advantage. I still don't understand the dynamics of Qunari and how they work, but to me this sounded like nothing more than a contradiction._

_This is also when the Arishok let us know that Saemus wasn't even at the compound, and that he had gone to see the Viscount. This made me uneasy, and it didn't get any better when he said that the Viscount had sent a letter requesting Saemus meet him at the Chantry. After everything Dumar told me in his office, I knew the letter couldn't have been from him. He would never setup a meeting in the Chantry, that wouldn't look good for anyone involved. He sent me instead, so whoever sent the letter had done so without his permission. Even Sebastian made mention about how the Viscount had never involved the Chantry before._

_Instantly we all knew who it was, except maybe for Sebastian, as I had tried to keep him out of our unpleasant history with Mother Petrice. He wasn't with us when we helped her with Ketojan. He wasn't with me when I confronted her about Varnell, or when the delegates were killed. When the Arishok warned us that if Petrice had threatened someone under his command again there would be consequences, the confusion in Sebastian's expression was clear, and I knew I'd have to fill him in on the history we shared with her._

_But first I begged the Arishok not to take action. Asked him to please let me handle this instead. I had hoped to talk to Petrice; with Sebastian by my side, I was sure we could convince her to give up whatever she had planned. But the Arishok didn't trust me, said he would be watching to see what happened, and if something happened to Saemus, there would be consequences._

_We went to the Viscount and told him what happened. Dumar confirmed that he sent no such letter, that his only action was asking me to assist him. I warned him that Saemus was in danger, but he wasn't hearing me. More concerned that sending armed guards to the Chantry would make him look bad, he left it up to me to try and save his son._

_But I failed Father. When we made it to the Chantry, we were too late. Saemus had been propped up in a kneeling position in front of the large statue of Andraste. When I went to him, to try and talk to him, his lifeless body fell over. Mother Petrice arrived at that very moment, accused me of killing Saemus. She claimed I had found him seeking repentance, and killed him on behalf of the Qunari. That couldn't have been further from the truth! Everyone knows I despise the Qunari, even Sebastian stood up to Petrice and told her how wrong she was._

_She wouldn't listen. She convinced the group of fanatics she had with her that we were all deserving of death. That siding with the Qunari meant we were denying the Maker and needed to be punished. What a fool she was, to think I served the Qunari, or that I would ever deny the Maker. She didn't even care that Sebastian was with us, someone who clearly would never deny Him. Petrice was convinced that the death of Saemus would show all of Kirkwall that the Qunari needed to be removed from the city once and for all. She_ _claimed to do all this for faith, in the name of the Maker, but I doubt we will ever know the real reason for her taking things this far._

_After being forced to slaughter innocent citizens, who were blinded by her lies and thought they were attacking us for some righteous cause, only Petrice remained. At this time Elthina arrived, and I begged her forgiveness as I explained everything to her, which was also the first time Sebastian was hearing about it. Petrice tried once again to blame me for Saemus' murder, but Sebastian informed the Grand Cleric that it wasn't possible because he was with me all day._

_Finally Petrice admitted it, her fear of those who had converted to the Qun. Elthina, quite diplomatically, said that the only option would be to pray for those people. We watched as Petrice and Elthina had their own battle with words, and eventually Elthina decided to let the courts decide Petrice's fate. Unfortunately she will never see that day._

_A Qunari marksman was waiting in one of the side rooms of the Chantry, and with two quick pulls of his bow, Petrice was dead on the Chantry floor, surrounded by the bodies of her followers. Sebastian was visibly upset, no doubt torn from what he had just heard and witnessed. I too was upset; I never wanted things to end like this. I wanted us to talk Petrice down from this bad decision, to have Saemus return to his father and try to work things out, or at least come to a viable solution. But in the end, all that was accomplished was more bloodshed within the sanctuary of peace._

_Varric went to get Viscount Dumar at Elthina's request. Sebastian and Fenris helped me remove the bodies of the others so he didn't see the extent of what had happened. He was going to grieve enough for his son, the shock of the bigger picture would have been too much for him. Even my warnings of the Arishok weren't heard, and we left him with Elthina to say goodbye to his son._

* * *

"With the Viscount's son dead, this won't just go away," Sebastian said as they exited the Chantry.

Varric agreed. "Nobody came out of that looking good. What now?"

"We can't wait for the Arishok to make his next move," Hawke said. "We must go to him, now, convince him not to do anything rash."

Fenris disagreed. "Too late for that Hawke," he said. "Petrice's death is the first of many I suspect."

Sebastian approached Hawke. "Why did you never tell me?" he asked. "About Petrice? What you told Elthina, you knew all along?"

"We suspected," Hawke admitted. "She was always at the right place during the wrong times. I didn't want to believe it to be honest, but my reason for not telling you? Is it not clear?"

"No," Sebastian said. "It is not. You should've told me."

"Told you what, exactly?" Hawke asked. "That a member of your Chantry may have been behind several attacks on the city, its citizens, and the Qunari? Would you have believed it? I thought it best not to involve you. I didn't want to put you in the middle of what we were dealing with, especially if it turned out we were wrong."

"We were never wrong," Varric reminded her.

Hawke shook her head. "Perhaps I was just being naïve then. I didn't want to believe there could be such corruption within the Chantry," she admitted. "And Sebastian, I certainly never wanted you to be faced with such a thought. You've given your life to the Chantry."

Varric motioned to Fenris to walk down the Chantry steps to give the two some privacy. "This is a conversation that should've happened months ago," the dwarf muttered the elf as they descended.

Hawke waited until the two were out of earshot before she continued. "Given our recent discussions, would you not have seen this as some way I might have been trying to lure you away from this life? Convince you that the Chantry is corrupt and you should give it all up to be with me? That's why I didn't tell you. I was afraid."

Sebastian took her hand. "I would never think such things of you," he told her. "But had you told me before, I can't help but feel I might have been able to do something about it. Gone to Elthina maybe, or spoken with Petrice directly."

"Thank you for laying _that_ guilt on me," Hawke said. "Maker knows I don't have enough in this mess."

"I didn't mean - "

"I know," she said with a sigh. "I know, I should've told you, and I'm sorry." She gave his hand a gentle squeeze. "I just didn't know what to do about it. But right now we can't think on this, we have to get to the Arishok before he does something drastic."

"Do you think you can convince him not to?" Sebastian asked.

Hawke shrugged. "I have to try. For the Viscount's sake, for Kirkwall. Maybe Fenris can help. The Arishok hates me, but he seems to respect him."

They met up with Varric and Fenris and made their way to the docks. The large gate to the compound was closed, but a clatter of activity could be heard behind it. As they approached the guard that had normally allowed them entrance, the guard changed his position to the front of the gate, and folded his arms across his chest.

"The Arishok will see no one," the guard stated. "He has begun preparations."

"Preparations for what?" Hawke asked.

The guard looked her straight in the eyes. "He is through with the insults of this city, including you."

Hawke turned to Fenris, who was beginning to back away cautiously. She followed his lead, turned from the compound stairs, and made her way out of Kirkwall.

* * *

"Hawke," Sebastian called behind her as she quickened her pace. They were walking the dusty path of the Wounded Coast, and her silence since the compound had Sebastian concerned. "Hawke, stop for a moment."

"I can't," she told him as she continued walking. "I promised Solivitus that I'd get him some Harlot's Blush Flower. Nearly a year ago. I have to keep my promises before…"

Sebastian reached for her arm and held her from progressing further. "Marian, please. Tell me, what is wrong?"

"He's going to kill me," Hawke whispered, avoiding his gaze. "The Arishok is going to kill me, and I have to make sure I don't leave behind any unfinished business." She pulled away from him and continued walking. "We have to hurry, it'll be dark soon."

This time Sebastian moved to block her path, and firmly gripped her shoulders. "No one is going to kill you," he told her. He turned her around and pointed toward Fenris and Varric. "Do you think they are going to let him harm you? That I am?"

"No chance of that happening Hawke," Varric said, adjusting his crossbow. "Bianca's been waiting for a chance at the big ogre, trust me."

Fenris nodded in agreement. "You have powerful friends Hawke," he said. "Ones that are not afraid to be by your side if the Arishok should come for you."

Hawke turned from her friends, though Sebastian's hold on her did not let her get far. "He said if Saemus was harmed, there would be consequences. He said there will be war. The Qunari at the Chantry knows I failed to protect Seamus, and now the Arishok knows! You heard him, he's making preparations! He's too strong, they are all too strong…"

Sebastian removed a hand from her shoulder to place it under her chin, gently lifting her face so he could look into her eyes. "No one shall harm you," he repeated. "We will not let that happen." He caressed her cheek lightly while continuing to reassure her. "Trust in the Maker, that He brought us all together for a reason. You have us, the others, the Templars and Chantry by your side. If he makes a move, we'll be ready."

Hawke leaned into the palm of his hand and closed her eyes. She wanted to believe him, and she did have faith in her friends, but images of her old love Jeremy, being murdered by a Qunari, would not leave her mind. She didn't doubt that her friends would protect her, she doubted that their protection would be enough against those horrid beasts.

"We need to keep going," she whispered, wishing to finish the task at hand. For now she knew she was safe, but she feared returning to Kirkwall. It was only a matter of time before the Arishok was provoked one too many times, and Hawke had a feeling that time was now.

Sebastian watched as she continued up the hill, and then he glanced at Varric and Fenris. Without a further word, they all followed.

* * *

_I've been afraid to go home Father, afraid they are waiting there for me. My friends have left me alone as I write to you, explaining everything that has happened today, but I feel their eyes on me. I know they are concerned; none of them dared to speak as I found what I was looking for on the Wounded Coast, and then went to the Gallows to deliver the flower to Sol._

_I wanted Carver to be there. I wanted Cullen to be there. I almost wanted Meredith there, to tell me she was finally locking me up for being the apostate mage that I am. At least it would be harder to kill me if I were trapped in the Gallows. What good is freedom when there is a price on your head? Would the Arishok dare to come to the Hanged Man to do the job? I doubt it, am being paranoid I know, but that hasn't stopped me from checking the door every time it opens._

_Sebastian and Fenris want to escort me home. I admit I am exhausted, as my heart grieves for Saemus, for Dumar, even for Petrice. I wish Isabela was here, I would ask her to stay in her room for the night, but she isn't. I can't exactly go to the Chantry with Sebastian, and I would never impose on Varric or Fenris. I'm sure the Keep and Aveline are out, given the events of the day, and Merrill's place has hardly enough room for her. On the other hand, I am not nearly desperate enough to stay with Gamlen, so home it is._

_Face my fears, you always said. I suspect this is one fear of many I'll be facing in the coming days, weeks, however long it takes for the Arishok to make his move. One can only hope that by "preparations" he meant their departure, but I don't think that prayer will be answered by the Maker._

_The worst is yet to come, and I'm scared Father. But if the worst does come to pass, then I take comfort in knowing I will see you soon._


	58. To Catch A Thief

_Dearest Father,_

_I always thought that the group of friends I had surrounded myself with would always be loyal, logical, and be by my side through anything. The events of the night changed all that for me, and now I just don't anymore._

_Sebastian and Fenris walked me home after the exhausting day we had with Saemus' death and my slight meltdown over the Arishok. As we approached the front door, we heard arguing from within. Isabela and Aveline were in the living room having a heated discussion about which one had needed my help more. Nice of them to try and hash it out without even having my consent._

_Aveline insisted that I needed to accompany her back to the Qunari compound, confront the Arishok about two elves that had committed murder and then ran to convert to the Qun for protection. Isabela said that she finally found the relic she had been seeking to get Castillon off her back; without it, she truly believed she was going to die._

_Aveline had a good argument. If everyone committed a crime and then ran to the Qunari to convert, then things would get out of hand. But I had just been to the compound, and knew the Arishok wasn't seeing anyone. Besides that, I was in no way capable of seeing him again. Not after Saemus, after Petrice, after he said there would be consequences if anyone under his command was harmed. It was a bad idea to see him so soon, the very day of his threat, so I agreed to help Isabela instead._

"But I need your help Hawke," Aveline pleaded again.

"I can't Aveline," Hawke whispered. "I can't go to the Arishok, not now. We help Isabela."

Aveline began to protest. "Hawke...do you have any idea…"

Sebastian interrupted the guard captain. "Do not ask her of this," he said to her. "She has given you her answer."

"I don't remember asking you," Aveline stated.

"Are you coming to help Isabela or not?" Hawke asked, trying to end the argument between Aveline and Sebastian that was brewing.

"I have to get back to the Keep," Aveline said. "I can't run off to some idiotic battle with this whore while there are bigger problems at hand."

"Tomorrow morning," Hawke said with a defeated sigh. "We can confront the Qunari in the morning. Isabela's only chance is tonight."

"Count me in," Sebastian told them, offering his assistance to Hawke and Isabela.

"And me as well," Fenris spoke up.

Aveline shook her head. "I hope you know what you're getting into," she said.

"Thank you Hawke," Isabela said, flashing a satisfied grin at Aveline, ignoring her comment. "It's good to know who my real friends are."

_Real friends. That's what she called us anyway. But what happened sure didn't feel like the act of true friendship. Isabela brought us to a warehouse in Lowtown where her relic was to be sold to Tevinter mages. Before we even got to the warehouse though, we were confronted by none other than the Qunari. They were demanding the relic, which Isabela told them we didn't have, but apparently they didn't believe us._

_More bloodshed. More dead Qunari by my hand. And then finally the truth from my "friend." The relic Isabela had been searching for actually belongs to the Qunari. It's a book written by the founder of their religion. What they have been searching for all this time, the reason they are still in the city, and the cause of so much death. All of it could have been avoided had we known, had Isabela told us, and we found this book sooner._

_Isabela argued that she should be able to keep the book, give it to Castillon, and finally be free. To give something so sacred away to be sold to the highest bidder? Sebastian asked Isabela if she'd do the same with something written by Andraste or the Maker Himself, and she didn't hesitate to say she would if it meant she'd survive. There was no doubt in my mind that we could protect Isabela from Castillon. I had a greater doubt we could survive a Qunari onslaught. And so I told her the book would be returned to the Qunari, and she agreed._

_When we entered the warehouse, the Tevinter mages were there making a deal with the man who had the relic. Before the exchange could take place, the Qunari attacked. Isabela ran after the man with the book and left us to battle for our lives._

_And then it was over, and Isabela was gone. With the relic. All that remained was a letter from Isabela, apologizing for lying. Again._

_For over an hour I stared at the carving she made on the stairwell banister. That was after I went through my journal and cried over the drawing's she had made in the margins. I finally saw the hidden picture she was always talking about in the family crest, and I also discovered the books she had snuck onto my bookshelves. Strange how I notice all of this now. The memories in this home tell me of a friendship, but her actions speak of nothing but betrayal._

_I can't believe she left Father. Turned her back on me, on Kirkwall, with no way now to convince the Qunari to leave. If we had the relic, we'd have something to bargain with when it came to Aveline's fugitives, and a chance to rid the city of the Qunari once and for all. Now that chance is gone._

_And so is my friend._


	59. Demands of the Qun

_Dearest Father,_

_Sebastian and Fenris accompanied me to the compound to meet with the Arishok. Aveline and a handful of her guardsmen were waiting for us, and I think that's when the bad feeling in the pit of my stomach began to truly twist my insides. I hadn't slept much, nightmares and fear keeping me awake most of the night in anticipation of what we were about to do. Confront the Arishok, in his already angered state, about the two fugitives who fled to conversion rather than a public hearing._

_The first sign of trouble was when we were told at the gate that only Aveline and I, along with three of her men, were allowed entrance. They had never denied entrance to my companions before, and I gave them a nervous glance before we entered. I could hear Fenris' rumbling of disapproval, and I silently prayed to the Maker for Sebastian to keep him calm while we were inside._

_Aveline began the conversation with the Arishok, which I was thankful for. I was more than happy to stand behind her, hoping to hide behind her large frame and wishing he hadn't noticed I was even there. But when she asked about the fugitives, he immediately dismissed her and addressed me about the stolen relic._

_I was honest with him, told him I had no idea where it was. He knew more than he let on though, saying I was minimizing my role in its disappearance. I don't know why I didn't jump at the chance to place the blame on Isabela, it was her fault after all we were in this mess to begin with, but I suppose there was still some lingering loyalty to our friendship that kept me from doing so._

_Aveline came to the rescue, stating the relic was an issue for another time. She repeated her claim that we were there for the fugitives, but the Arishok informed us that they had converted to the Qun, and therefore were untouchable under his command. I questioned their loyalty, how convenient it was that they were wanted for murder yesterday and now faithful followers today. The Arishok felt it necessary to remind us about the corruption within the city before presenting the elves, giving them an opportunity to explain their side of the story._

_A city guard had forced himself on their sister, and so they killed him. I confronted Aveline about their accusation, and while she said there had been rumors, she refused to admit what they said could be the truth. In that moment I couldn't really blame the elves; had anyone done anything to hurt Bethany, I know Carver and I would've done the exact same thing. Sometimes, regardless of right or wrong, the love of family can be blinding when it comes to revenge._

_Aveline had a more logical mindset in this matter, perhaps it is because she doesn't have siblings that she doesn't understand. She stated how their actions were wrong, just as wrong as the Arishok taking matters into his own hands when it came to the Viscount's son. She pushed for him to hand them over, and the knots in my stomach grew even stronger. Especially when he asked for my opinion, asked me what I would do if I were in his position._

_The relic was gone, there was no reason for him to remain, and I told him as much. I asked him why he didn't just leave. He obviously hated Kirkwall, hated us, but he insisted he still couldn't leave without the relic, or stay and remain blind to the city's dysfunction. To him there was only one solution, and I knew before he shouted his command of "Vinek kathas" what that solution would be._

_War._

_We were attacked immediately, Aveline's guardsmen falling fast with spears thrust through their bodies. The Arishok looked on as we fled for our lives, and for a brief moment our eyes met. They were so cold Father, so full of hate and rage, and for a second I found myself unable to move under his gaze. Aveline yanked at my arm, nearly pulling it out of its socket, as we continued to run from the compound. I could hear as we moved closer to the gate that Fenris and Sebastian were engaged in combat as well._

_With our assistance, Fenris and Sebastian were able to take out the guards, and we ran up the stairs to Lowtown. We heard the fighting all around us; apparently it didn't take long for the Qunari to secure the docks, and they were already moving through the streets of Lowtown. We hid in an alcove to regroup, discuss a plan, figure out what we were going to do. Aveline suggested we gather everyone at the estate. She would go to the Hanged Man to alert Varric, who'd get Merrill, and we carefully made our way to Darktown to get Anders. I knew we'd need his help in healing; it would be impossible for me to do it alone._

_By the time we returned to Lowtown, it appeared as though a massacre had occurred. Buildings and debris were set on fire, corpses and wounded littered the streets. Anders and I did what we could while Sebastian and Fenris took to fighting. It wasn't just the Qunari we were facing; elven supporters poured out of the alienage assisting in the destruction of the city, and even the Coterie were attacking us. They attacked the Qunari as well, which had me wondering, just who's side were they on?_

_I insisted on heading to Gamlen's to make sure he was alright. Odd, the people you run into, when you're in the middle of fighting for your life. The Warden's were there, being attacked by the Qunari, and we aided them in clearing out the area._

"You have our sincere thanks," one of the Warden's said, wiping the blood off his blade on a nearby Qunari corpse. "This attack was most unexpected."

"For all of us," Hawke said, discreetly scanning the area for Anders. Out of the corner of her eye she spotted him, slipping into Gamlen's apartment above them. No doubt a great position to eavesdrop from, but she was also thankful that her uncle would have the company of a healer, should he need it.

"We have not met," the man continued. "I am Stroud, of the Grey Wardens. I can not believe the Qunari would dare such an attack. This will lead to war with the Free Marches for certain."

Hawke shook her head. "I'm more concerned with the immediate threat. They are taking over Kirkwall, at an alarming rate. I fear they've been planning this for months."

"If not years, it seems," Stroud said, surveying the damage. "It is a shame, but I fear pressing matters take us elsewhere."

Hawke couldn't believe what she was hearing. "You're going to leave us? What could be more important than an invasion? The Warden's would be of great use to us."

"Unfortunately I can not discuss Warden business with an outsider," Stroud said. "But I assure you it is of the utmost importance. We will spread word to the other cities in our travels."

Sebastian stepped forward. "The citizens of this city are being slaughtered," he told Stroud. "You can walk away from that willingly?"

"Wardens can not interfere in political struggles," Stroud stated. "I am sorry. Maker watch over you, my friend."

"And now you know why I hate the Wardens," Anders said once Stroud and his men had departed.

"Cowards," Hawke said, watching as the Wardens disappeared down the stairs to the docks. Her fear continued to grow, seeing a chance for hope slipping away. "What were they doing in the city anyway? I hadn't heard they were here?"

Anders smiled. "There's a Warden dead drop near the Foundry. I keep an eye on its contents to make sure there's no mention of me. They were most likely picking up the latest report from their spies in the area."

"I'm glad you're no longer with them." Hawke said. "Useless twits. Is Gamlen alright?"

"Cowering under his bed with a bottle," Anders informed her. "He'll be fine."

"Alright then, let's go," Hawke commanded. "I'm afraid to see what the Qunari have done with Hightown."

_As we ascended the stairs, we heard screaming. A desperate, horrific plea for help. We quickened our pace to the top and saw two Qunari dragging a woman across the marketplace by her feet. Immediately we rushed to intervene. They made some comment about how unfortunate it was that the Arishok failed to take us captive, and then attacked, releasing their prisoner. I watched as she ran to safety before engaging in the fight._

_Just when we thought we were finished, a massive wave of magic threw us all to the ground. My vision was a bit hazy from the fall, but as my eyes began to focus, I saw a Qunari mage headed straight for me. In that moment Father, I assumed death was imminent, and took a deep breath in anticipation of the final blow, as his fingers began to glow a brilliant blue, his magic growing stronger with each horrid second that passed._

_It was not my time to die apparently, as a very large blade suddenly protruded from the Saarebas' stomach, and he fell to his knees. The sword was extracted, swung wide, and then his head was detached from his body. Its wielder, a very tall woman with a warrior's build, extended her hand and helped me to my feet._

_She introduced herself as Knight Commander Meredith, and I heard Anders gasp behind me. My natural instinct was to run away, hide, disappear. Flee Kirkwall and never look back. The woman I most feared while living in this city now stood before me, and I was terrified. Even more so when she admitted that she knew who I was from reputation, as well as being Carver's sister._

_That moment was not the time to have our long overdue confrontation, thankfully she knew that, as she jumped right into the task at hand. Meredith informed us that the Qunari were assembling people at the Viscount's Keep. Fenris was kind enough to tell us that the Arishok would most likely convert the willing and kill anyone else, as they had done in other cities. Meredith agreed to ignore my use of magic, and that of my companions, as long as we stood united in defending Kirkwall._

_While she went to gather her men, we made our way to the Keep. More bodies in the streets, more buildings set aflame, more fighting. While the Coterie had taken to Lowtown scraps, the Carta were in Hightown, picking the corpses like vultures. We ran into Varric and Merrill just outside the estate. Bodahn and Sandal were safe, thank the Maker. Varric informed us that Aveline took her guard to the docks in an attempt to reclaim them. With the rest of us now together, the Qunari were no match for us, and we reached the Keep with ease._

_When the fighting was over, Anders and I looked for any survivors that needed healing. Those that we found we helped as best we could, and then sent them off to the estate to hide. It was difficult to remain strong when so many of the faces I saw were familiar to me. Those that lived in Hightown, merchants, even several mages from the Gallows. I wondered idly what they were doing there, but it didn't take long for me to get my answer._

_We met First Enchanter Orsino, who explained to us that Meredith had allowed the Gallows to clear out at the first sign of attack. For all the rumors I had heard about the woman, this came as a surprise. I suppose she couldn't just leave them in their rooms to get butchered, so instead she allowed them freedom to survive. She showed up seconds later with her men, including Carver._

_While I wanted nothing more to embrace him, I knew, as he stood proudly beside Meredith, that this was not the time. Unfortunately, whatever joy I had in seeing my brother was short-lived, as Meredith and Orsino immediately started bickering about just whose plan would work in invading the Keep. I begged them to stop arguing, told them that working together was the only way we'd make it through this. And so they left it up to me, somehow the neutral party in all this, to decide how we'd proceed._

_While Varric and Sebastian disarmed the traps poorly set on the stairs leading to the Keep, Carver and I went to take a look at what the Qunari were up to. There weren't many left outside the Keep's entrance, I knew we could easily take them out with my group and Meredith's men. Orsino stood watch as we attacked, and only seconds later did he yell a warning that another group of Qunari were entering the area. Meredith insisted we get into the Keep and find the Viscount before the Arishok began killing people, and so we did. I hated leaving Carver so soon after joining him again, but Meredith was right. There was little time to waste._

_We heard the screams coming from the throne room as soon as we entered. There was such an odd, eerie feeling to the usually busy entranceway. The stairs were empty, Viscount's office closed, barracks doors sealed. No sign of the Viscount, or his Seneschal, only the echoes of fear in the distance. We were met with very little resistance as we made our way to the throne room, which concerned me. The Viscount had always mentioned there were hundreds of Qunari in the city; certainly we didn't see that many on our way here. The amount of them gathered within that room would be immense, as we discovered when we entered._

_The Arishok towered over the large mass of very frightened nobles and cityfolk, and within seconds of our entrance, he tossed a head toward the crowd. As it rolled closer to us, I realized it was Dumar. One of the nobles spoke up about the disgrace of the Arishok's actions, and was met with a snap of the neck from a nearby Qunari. In that moment, I had no idea what we were going to do, or how we were going to protect all of these people._

_After the Arishok insulted the citizens for being weak and pathetic, he acknowledged our presence. I begged him to end this, to let everyone go, but he claimed I was no better than the ignorant that inhabited Kirkwall. In order for him to even speak to me further, he said I had to prove myself, and ordered his men to attack us._

_He kept the fight fair, I'll give him that. Only a handful of Qunari attacked us, and with the same skill we had used to get to the Keep, we fought back. As long as fighting with us kept the Qunari from attacking the innocent, I didn't mind. It was the best possible outcome. I briefly wondered how long the Arishok planned for this to go on, but when we won the first wave of fighting, he put a stop to it immediately._

_Apparently I had earned enough of his respect to continue the conversation. He asked me how I would resolve the conflict. I knew by now the only way he'd leave peacefully would be by having his relic returned to him. I tried that, assuring him that I would find Isabela and his book so that he could leave the city and go home. He accused me of helping Isabela, but I told him the truth, that the plan all along was to retrieve the book and give it to him._

_Too little too late it seemed. At first he threatened me, told me that I would answer for Isabela's crime since she was a former companion of mine. The sting of Isabela's abandonment continued to haunt me, as I felt, in that moment, that Kirkwall would now be lost because of me. To my surprise, Fenris began speaking to the Arishok in his language, and before I knew it, another option was presented. A duel between me and the Arishok, to the death. If I were to win, the Qunari would leave Kirkwall._

_I heard Sebastian curse at Fenris. I felt the tension rise in the room. I noticed all the hopeful eyes on me, begging me to accept, to secure freedom for Kirkwall. I had no choice but to agree to the Arishok's terms, and he graciously allowed me a few minutes to speak with my companions._

_There was only one person I needed in that moment, and that was Sebastian. He took my hand and led me behind one of the large pillars. Though privacy was not an option with the Qunari and half of Kirkwall watching us, it was the best we were going to get to say goodbye._

"Hawke, you don't have to do this."

"Do you remember that night in the Chantry?" Hawke asked him, ignoring his statement. "The first time you offered me your friendship?"

"Of course," Sebastian said, remembering every moment they had spent together. "You came to the Chantry because of a dream about your sister."

Hawke nodded. "She tried to make me face my demons, beginning with the Qunari that murdered my fiance. That's where my hatred of them comes from, you know. From watching as one of them slaughtered my Jeremy and his family; innocent men, women and children, for no reason at all."

"I am so sorry, Hawke," Sebastian began.

Hawke cut him off. "Do not feel sorry for me. I have done horrid things to his people since," she said, nodding in the direction of the Arishok. "I allowed Varnell to kill those delegates. I took pleasure in their deaths. My sister tried to warn me not to let my hate for them consume me, but I refused to listen to her. All that has come to pass today is because of me, Sebastian. The Maker is punishing me for my deeds, my need for revenge. Now I, too, will die by their hands."

"No, Hawke. No," Sebastian said firmly, trying to reassure her. "The Maker would never… He cares for you, for all his followers. You have more than repented for your sins with all the good you have done."

"It's wasn't enough though, or we wouldn't be here. Please, Sebastian, tell me, what happens when we die?" Hawke asked, her bottom lip quivering with fear.

Sebastian cupped her chin with his hand. "Do not ask these questions," he said. "You will not die today."

"What if I do?" she asked, eyes looking upward into his. "I asked you once, but you never answered. Will the Maker have a place for me at His side? Or cast me to the Void because I am a mage? For those sins I have committed against the Qunari?" A tear trickled from her eye. "I'm scared, Sebastian. I need to know He will not abandon me."

"He will not," Sebastian promised, wiping the tear from her cheek. "And neither shall I." He leaned forward, pressing his lips to hers in the same gentle manner he had imagined so many times in his dreams. The uncertainty that normally followed in his imagination was swept away by the warmth of her mouth upon his. The Qunari, the frightened nobles, they all faded away, replaced by the taste of her, the sweet, delicious feel of her tongue dancing against his. Sebastian wrapped his arms around her, pulling her in close and demanding even more of her.

Hawke closed her eyes, lost in sensation. Thoughts of his vows, of how this was wrong, how she was going to lose him to the Chantry or to death flashed through her mind for only an instant, pushed away by the feel of him. She had wanted this for so long, since the very first day she saw him, and though she'd always feared it was wrong, for so many reasons, nothing had ever felt so right to her.

A soft moan escaped her lips, and Sebastian nearly crumbled under the sudden desire that flooded his body. He wanted nothing more than to carry her off to the nearest surface, set her down and begin trailing his tongue from her mouth to the elegant swoop of her neck. His fingers would work to free her from the garments that kept him from possessing her completely, and she would make that breathy groan as he worked to fulfill her every desire. Audience be damned, he would take her right there on the throne room floor.

A harsh, loud grumble from the Arishok stopped the sweet sounds from escaping her throat and pulled Sebastian away from the haze of need that had consumed him. It still took every ounce of restraint within him to step away from her. He reached a trembling hand up to her face, tracing her plump lips with his finger.

"The Qunari forced Isabela to flee your side," Sebastian said, trying to find the words to encourage her in these final seconds they had alone. "They stole your chance at happiness with your fiance. Now they threaten this. Us. Our future. Take that pain, that anger, and give it back to them. Channel your grief, your hate, and your desire into this fight. When you win, because you will, leave here and find peace within yourself again." He pressed his lips to her forehead gently, a pale echo of their earlier kiss. "You deserve that, and so much more."

"Sebastian," Hawke whispered, barely able to find her voice.

He pressed his forehead against hers. "Defeat him, Marian," he ordered firmly, refusing to give voice to his own fear. "Win."

_And I did just that Father. I channeled everything within me, all the anger and hate and fury, as well as the love I had for my friends, for this city, and for Sebastian. I poured all of that into the fight with a man three times my size, and I won. There were times I thought I'd fall, was nearly tempted to cross the line and use my blood for its power, but then I would look at Sebastian, and with one encouraging nod, he had me up on my feet again, fighting for all of our lives, and the promise of a future with him._

_It was a cathartic release, letting it all go as the battle dragged on. I felt the weight I had placed on my own shoulders begin to lift, I felt almost free, using my magic as a way to save the city. The Arishok landed several blows that should've crushed me, but for whatever reason, I managed to survive. I almost felt as if I had tapped into some part of myself I never knew was there, some strength instilled within me by you Father. And if that was you protecting me as best you could from wherever you are, I thank you._

* * *

"Any news?" Hawke asked Carver when he entered the bedroom, hope wavering in her eyes.

Carver shook his head. "I'm sorry sister. No one has seen or heard from Sebastian since the battle."

"You probably gave him a lot of thinking to do," Varric offered. "That was quite the public display of affection."

Hawke sighed. "We were just caught up in the moment," she said, briefly allowing herself the memory of his lips on hers. "I didn't expect anything more from him than he was willing to give."

"From what I saw Hawke? He was willing," Varric told her. "Give him some time. Can't be easy for him, realizing he's just thrown his vows to the Chantry out the window for a quick liplock with the Champion of Kirkwall."

She couldn't help but laugh at his comment. "Some Champion," she said, inwardly cringing at the title bestowed upon her by Meredith. "Laid up in this bed for days with half my body broken, stinking from whatever salves Anders keeps applying to my skin. If I were Sebastian, I'd run too, far away."

Hawke continued to smile as the others joined in her laughter. She hoped it was enough to convince them that her insides weren't in constant turmoil with each passing day Sebastian hadn't returned. Though that kiss was everything she had dreamed of, it had come with a high price. Kirkwall remained in chaos with no Viscount, Isabela was long gone, and her prince had disappeared. Only in the few hours at night that her friends graciously left her alone did she cry, succumbing to her fear and anxiety that he may never return.

Carver gave her hand a gentle squeeze, offering her a wink before returning to jovial banter with Varric. The one shining light in her currently dark world was her brother being by her side after so much time apart. Her renewed confidence from Sebastian's words, defeating the Arishok, and her brother's presence would have to be enough to sustain her for now.


	60. Non-Quest: Correspondence

_My Beloved Marian,_

_After the Qunari assault on Kirkwall, I thought it best to return to Starkhaven immediately. No doubt my city will fear a similar attack, and having already suffered a Qunari invasion in its past, I am not sure my cousin Goran would be up to the task in comforting our people. This course of action however is also not without risk; there are many that do not wish me to return, those that are already attempting to remove my cousin and would enjoy the opportunity to do away with me as well. I must check in with him, and those that are still loyal to the Vael family, see if there is even a chance of me retaking the throne in the future._

_I am in Wildervale, and have hired some mercenaries to assist me in my travels. They are not nearly as colorful as your companions, but I suppose I'll have to make do with what's available to me. Believe me when I tell you that I am safe, and am taking every precaution in this endeavor. Unfortunately I can not risk staying in one place for long, so I can not wait for you to reply. I have written this letter to you on my last night here, and will have it sent by messenger in the morning before I depart._

_I hope you are well. News is slow but steady on Kirkwall's rebuilding, though no one has mentioned the fate of the Viscount's seat yet. I imagine Meredith is taking charge with her Templars until that mess can be sorted out. I fear for your safety, and pray the title of Champion bestowed upon you comes with some assurance of protection. At least for now._

_I have been praying to the Maker for guidance in this matter for over a year. Whether He wished me to remain with the Chantry, or take my rightful place as Prince of Starkhaven. He remained silent for a long time, offering no clear path or resolution for the choices that were before me. When you asked me what would happen if you died, if you would have a place at the Maker's side, I answered you in truth; you would not die that day. I realized that the answer to my questions was in my confidence that you would survive that battle. The Maker would not abandon you, and in your triumph was the sign I had been looking for. I must do this to create a better future for us both._

_My heart is yours, and I can not give myself completely to you while I remain a brother in the Chantry. My place is in Starkhaven, and I must begin preparations to make that happen should I have any hope of a future by your side. I pray that you understand the urgency I felt in this matter and why I had to leave so soon. If it is the Maker's will, then it must be done now, so that I may commit myself to my people, and to you._

_Be strong Marian, I shall write again soon._

* * *

_My Beloved Marian,_

_We arrived in Tantervale two days ago. Slightly difficult to remain inconspicuous here, as the city guard don't take kindly to mercenaries or strangers. I have been able to connect with some old friends who were kind enough to take us in, keeping us out of sight until our departure tomorrow._

_My heart was filled with joy in hearing the news that you were doing well. The city is buzzing over how you forced the Qunari out of Kirkwall. You may be Champion there, but you are also increasingly becoming a hero throughout the Free Marches. There was also talk of Fenris; it seems he made quite the name for himself when he was in Tantervale. Remind me to ask him about it when I return._

_The closer we come to Starkhaven, the more I hear about the suffering my home has endured. The destruction of the Circle was worse than what those who fled to Kirkwall had told me. So many innocent lives lost, many families still in mourning. What disheartens me more is word that trade has subsided, alliances between our neighboring cities are wavering, and my cousin has done little to correct the situation. In his defense, he was not raised to rule, but I fear his advisors do not have Starkhaven's best interests at heart. I would not dare to share my plans with you on how I will get in to see him, but rest assured, I know Starkhaven and her secrets well._

_I do not know if I will have the opportunity to write again before my return. Once I know the situation in Starkhaven, get a feel for what I will need to reclaim my home, I shall return to you. We will have much to discuss, plans to be made, and I will need to inform Elthina of my decision. You have waited so long for me, my sweet Marian, and I pray you will wait just a little longer._

* * *

_Dearest Father,_

_Each day becomes more exhausting than the last. Between the rebuilding of the city, the social obligations, and the dozens of letters I now receive daily asking for my help on one matter or another, I am becoming overwhelmed. After Carver returned to the Templars, Varric was kind enough to help me sort through some of the mess, but I don't think I have had a day to myself since the Qunari left. I also regret that my letters to you have not been as frequent as they once were. I consider myself lucky if I manage to get out of whatever frilly dress I am forced to wear before falling asleep._

_The tension between the mages and Templars grows stronger every day. We are still a city without a Viscount, so Meredith has been placed in charge, and I hear rumors from Anders that Orsino wants to take this opportunity to fight back. I have a suspicion that Anders has been encouraging him, or at least some of the mages, but I'm waiting until I know more before I talk to him. He's already mentioned to Varric about how my title as Champion can help the mages in the city, but he hasn't dared ask me yet._

_I haven't heard anything about Isabela. I'm guessing I never will, which still saddens me. I thought that maybe she would come back once all the Qunari had left Kirkwall, but no. I asked Varric if he had heard anything, and all he'll say is, "you know Rivaini Hawke, she's fine no matter what port she's in." I think he knows more than he's telling me, but he's hoping I'll just let it go and forget about her. I wish it was that easy._

_Thankfully Sebastian has written, but it has been a while since I've heard from him, and that worries me. I know he said he wouldn't be able to write, but knowing he's in Starkhaven has my mind racing with all sorts of situations that could've gone horribly wrong. The waiting is the worst part, but I am trying to remember that he has the Maker on his side, and should he get into trouble, he knows the best ways out of his home city._

_As much as I want him back in Kirkwall though, I am still equally as apprehensive. Everything between us changed with that kiss. It was the line he was hesitant to cross, but he did. I am trying not to hold it against him that he chose that day to leave on his quest, but I felt a little better when Aveline told me he had checked on me before deciding to leave. I don't know what will happen when he returns, but I do miss him, and hope it is soon._


	61. Showdown

_Dearest Father,_

_You know better than anyone how much I adore being woken up early, especially on a day that I had planned to do nothing but clean the library._

_I heard a loud shouting coming from outside my bedroom window. No amount of pillows over my head was going to drown it out, so I stumbled out of bed to see who was so rudely preaching in the courtyard at such an early hour. Preachers and protesters were becoming quite common as of late, but normally they had the common decency to wait until after lunch._

_When I finally managed to open my eyes and get a clear view of what was happening, I could hardly believe what I was seeing. First Enchanter Orsino, of all people, speaking rather openly to the nobility of Hightown about how mages are feared, and how Knight Commander Meredith uses that fear to take control over Kirkwall. He even called her out on the stalling of finding a replacement for Viscount Dumar._

_I knew this wasn't going to end well considering there were Templars in the crowd. I rushed to get dressed, hoping to calm him down and get him back to the Gallows before Meredith found out about his little speech._

_Unfortunately she showed up the moment I exited the estate. Even worse, Orsino spotted me, and called me into the argument, saying that perhaps I was someone who agreed with his rants. I told them both that they needed to calm down, but Meredith was obviously agitated at Orsino's attempt to make her look bad._

_I asked Orsino if he was trying to cause a rebellion. He said that the people of Kirkwall needed to know what was really going on in their city. I had heard about, and been witness to, some extra patrols of Templars, but I saw it as a good thing. Without a Viscount, Meredith is doing her best to keep control over the city. Orsino should be grateful he's even in the courtyard of Hightown; a few years ago he would never have been allowed outside the Gallows._

_I told Orsino he had gone too far. That whatever his cause or reasoning was, this was not the way to get Meredith to listen to him. But in trying to be fair to him, I also asked Meredith why, as of late, she had been increasing forces and tightening control over the Gallows. I had heard enough about it from Anders to know Orsino wasn't entirely wrong._

_Meredith asked me if I could do much better, but before allowing me to answer, she brought up Mother's death. A blood mage took her life, and I was unable to stop it._

_This was not something I hadn't told myself a hundred times, but hearing it from someone else was difficult. While my friends assured me that there was nothing I could do to save her, here was Meredith telling me what I always knew all along. She was right though, I could do no better in controlling the mages that turned to the power of blood. She insisted Kirkwall needed its Templars more than a new ruler, and she was right. Though her methods may be extreme, there had been little word of blood mage activity since losing Viscount Dumar to the Arishok._

_Orsino made some claim about how Meredith would see evil around every corner, but once again I told him that what he was doing was wrong. She was doing her job, keeping Kirkwall safe, and though he didn't agree with her methods, the body count in Kirkwall was proof enough for me that it was working. Orsino disagreed, became more and more upset, and I feared that Meredith was losing her patience with him._

_A silence fell upon the crowd, and we all turned to see what had quieted them. Grand Cleric Elthina arrived. I'm guessing someone told her what was happening in the courtyard, as it was a rare occurrence these days to see her outside the Chantry. She told Orsino the same thing that I had; regardless of his opinions on Meredith, this was not the way to express them. She then asked the Templars to return Orsino to the Gallows, and told Meredith to do the same. Meredith wasn't all that happy to be scolded in front of the nobles, but she obeyed, and returned to the Gallows as well._

_I was thankful the confrontation was over, and had hoped to crawl back into bed, but Elthina asked me to remain._

"You have my thanks, Champion," Elthina said. "You didn't have to step in, but I appreciate that you did so. I don't want to think about what might have happened if you had not done so."

"I'm afraid I had little choice," Hawke told her. "I suppose Orsino thought I would side with him, but I can not agree with what he tried to do here. Isn't there something you can do? The Chantry is in charge of the Gallows, is it not? Can you find a way to make peace?"

Elthina shook her head. "I'm afraid you have quite the estimation of my abilities. I may be able to put out a flame or two, but this fire has been fueled for a long time."

"What can we do about it?" Hawke asked Elthina. "I fear things may get worse before they get better, and the last thing Kirkwall needs is another fight on its hands."

"I agree," Elthina said. "I will go to the Gallows, speak with both of them. Hopefully they will see reason, if the Maker wills it."

Hawke nodded. "If there is anything I can do, please let me know."

"Thank you again, Champion," Elthina said. As she turned to leave, she paused, and looked over her shoulder at Hawke. "One more thing, while I'm here. You may wish to visit the Chantry when you get a chance. Sebastian has returned."

_I could feel my throat tighten and my stomach do flip-flops at this news. Sebastian was back in Kirkwall? Why had he not come to see me? Why did he not write beforehand telling me of his return? I ran back to the estate and looked through the latest correspondences that were delivered by messenger, but there was nothing from him._

_I wanted to run to the Chantry at that moment, but I didn't. If Sebastian wanted to see me, surely he would have made the effort. While I was relieved to hear of his return, I couldn't help but wonder what happened in Starkhaven, why this wasn't the first place he came to upon entering Kirkwall, and why did I have to find out from Elthina that he was even back in the city?_

_My answers await in the Chantry, but if Sebastian isn't ready to see me, I do not want to pressure him into doing so. I will wait, but hopefully not too long._


	62. Faith

"Are you sure you really want us coming with you Hawke?" Varric asked as they walked up the steep stairs to the Chantry.

Hawke maintained her calm, nodding to those they passed by. She still wasn't used to everyone in Kirkwall knowing who she was, or how they all insisted on addressing her as Champion. The large statue near the docks didn't help her anonymity as an apostate either, but she tried to enjoy the freedoms it provided. For now, at least, as Anders enjoyed reminding her. He too was by her side, along with Fenris, as they reached the top landing and entered through the large wooden doors.

"If he wanted to speak with me alone, he knew where to find me," Hawke told Varric, quieting her voice in the Maker's house. "Besides, it was Elthina that requested my presence, not him. If he happens to be here, so be it."

"I almost feel sorry for Sebastian," Fenris stated. "He has little idea what he has come home to."

Hawke turned on her heel to confront the elf. "And just what is that supposed to mean?" she asked.

"There is no doubt you have changed since he last saw you Hawke," Fenris said simply. "I was implying nothing else."

"I have not changed," Hawke said defensively. "I am the same person I have always been."

Anders stifled a laugh. "I hate to agree with Fenris, but he's right," Anders told her. "Sebastian isn't going to know what hit him."

Hawke gasped in horror at Anders' statement. "You too?"

"There there Hawke," Varric said patting her on the back. "You know we wouldn't let this Champion business get to your head. But you are far from the wilting flower you were a few years ago."

"I hate you all," Hawke said with a scowl as she turned her back on them and resumed walking through the lower level of the Chantry. "I'll show you how much I've changed with a fireball to the face," she added in a low mutter. It wasn't until she heard Sebastian's voice in the distance that her knees began to feel weak, and the fluttering in her belly began to stir.

"Do you never intend to give a public answer, Your Grace?" Sebastian asked Elthina.

"And just what have I been asked?" The Grand Cleric replied as Hawke and the others reached the main platform of the Chantry.

"About the mages," Sebastian stated. "The first enchanter overstepped his bounds! You could calm this fire if you stepped forward."

"Pesky things, those mages," Hawke said, interrupting their discussion. "Always causing a ruckus in front of my home. You know the one, Sebastian, just down the way of the Viscount's Keep?"

"Marian," Sebastian said with a surprised glance. "I hadn't expected to see you here…"

"So soon after your return?" Hawke asked, not bothering to hide the bitterness in her tone. "Lucky break for you then, I'm not here for you. Your Grace, you wanted to see me?"

Elthina nodded, happy to change the subject from the awkward reunion playing out in front of them. "I did. The recent incident you refer to is causing quite the stir, here in Kirkwall as well as elsewhere."

"Mages rebelling?" Anders asked. "Yes, I'm sure that is quite the stir for some people."

Sebastian narrowed his eyes at the apostate by Hawke's side. "The last time mages rebelled against the Chantry, they ended up ruling Tevinter. We can't just ignore them."

"I knew I liked you," Fenris said from behind Varric.

"Traitor," Hawke muttered over her shoulder. She turned back to Elthina. "You said elsewhere, has something happened to cause concern?"

Elthina nodded. "I did not expect things to deteriorate so fast. I thought after the Qunari, no one would wish for more violence, but it has drawn more attention than I would like. I require your assistance Hawke, and that of Sebastian, should he be willing."

"Anything, Your Grace," Sebastian said obediently.

Hawke sighed inwardly at the display of loyalty Sebastian still held for Elthina. She wondered if he too had changed since last she heard from him and decided to rejoin Elthina in the Chantry. A conversation for another, more private time. "Of course," Hawke agreed, trying to ignore the fact that Elthina was pushing her and Sebastian to work together.

"Thank you," Elthina said. "The Divine is concerned about the situation here. She does not want to see the Free Marches become another Imperium. She has sent an agent to assess the danger, and I ask that you meet with this agent, tell her such drastic measures are not required in Kirkwall."

"First the Qunari, and now threat of an Exalted March," Hawke said. "That is not what Kirkwall needs right now, especially while we still have no Viscount to lead us."

"Surely the Divine would not treat the whole city as enemies," Sebastian stated. "Would she turn the might of the Chantry against the innocent due to a few mages?"

Hawke shook her head, and could feel the anger radiating from Anders beside her. "The Chantry, and the Divine, are very clear where they stand concerning mages," she reminded Sebastian. "No disrespect intended Your Grace," she added to Elthina. "You have been supportive when you can, but under that kind of scrutiny, you'd have no choice but to favor the side of the Templars, am I right?"

"I favor peace, which does not appear to be the goal of either side at the moment," Elthina said, avoiding answering Hawke's question. "Which is why I bring this to the two of you. A mage that has been declared Champion by the Knight Commander herself, and a Brother of the Chantry. If the Divine's agent needs to see Kirkwall's citizens are working together for peace, who better to send?"

"Being so close to the Maker must cloud the obvious tension," Varric whispered to Fenris. "We can only hope this agent is as blind."

"We will do what we can," Hawke said, hoping Elthina didn't hear Varric. She also tried to forget the fact that Elthina still referred to Sebastian as a Brother of the Chantry. Last she heard from his letters, he was going to tell her he was leaving. Apparently that discussion hadn't taken place.

Sebastian nodded. "Yes, we can not let this ridiculous mage rebellion turn into a holy war."

"Ridiculous?" Anders gasped.

Hawke could feel the pull of the Fade in the air, and knew Justice was close to the surface within Anders. She reached for his hand to calm him. "Another time Anders, please," she begged. The way he squeezed her hand told Hawke that he was indeed struggling to remain in control. She continued to hold on to him as she asked Elthina for the details in meeting with this agent of the Divine, silently praying to the Maker that they make it out of the Chantry without bloodshed.

"The agent, Sister Nightingale, will be waiting in the Viscount's throne room tonight," Elthina responded. "She wishes to remain unseen."

"Then we'll meet at my place at sunset," Hawke informed Sebastian.

He watched as she departed without another word, and couldn't help but notice she continued to hold Anders' hand on the way out.

* * *

_Dearest Father,_

_Nothing about tonight went as planned. I had hoped Sebastian would've come early so we could talk. It was quite clear from what happened in the Chantry that there are some unresolved issues we need to discuss; his remaining with the Chantry, and me being a mage. I thought both were behind us, but with the new tension within the city, I fear that may have changed. I am trying to withhold my anger and wait to hear from him, but he has made no effort since returning to talk with me alone. I refuse to let my imagination get the best of me however, or at the very least, I'm trying._

_Varric had no desire to meet with the mysterious agent of the Divine, which I thought odd considering he loves a good mystery. He muttered something about getting his goods out of Kirkwall before an invasion. I think he's just being paranoid, but that's a dwarf for you. Anders was the first to arrive, which I was thankful for. I wanted to make sure he was okay considering what happened earlier, and the closer he is the better I can keep an eye on him. Fenris wasn't far behind, and then Sebastian showed up. We set out immediately to the Viscount's Keep to meet with Sister Nightingale._

_Sebastian had to work his own personal magic of lock picking to get us into the throne room. It's been secure ever since the Viscount's death, but as it turns out, someone else had locked the doors from within. A sure sign of bad things to come is when you're attacked by blood mages when you walk into a room. They had received word about the Divine sending a spy to Kirkwall, and assumed it was us. They struck without warning or discussion, and we had no choice but to fight them. I thought for a moment we were close to losing that battle, but a rogue came out of nowhere and assisted us._

_That rogue was none other than Leliana, the famous bard that travelled with the Hero of Ferelden during the blight. She was our Sister Nightingale, and had caused this ambush on purpose. By dropping some not so subtle hints within the right circles, she caused the Resolutionists, some subgroup within one of the Circle's fraternities, to come out of hiding. Anders had explained to me once about those groups, but I wasn't aware any of them resorted to blood magic to get their points across._

_Fenris commented that the Resolutionists obviously have the support of the magisters. Leliana said there was no proof of that, at least not that the Divine was aware of. Fenris added that many mages probably thought the freedom to be a mage in Tevinter was worth rebelling for, and turning to blood magic, though they had no idea how little freedom they would actually gain among the magisters' rule. I remember Anders mentioned that once, how living in Tevinter would at least mean freedom. I wonder if he still feels the same after hearing the truth from Fenris? I also wonder if Anders secretly agrees with what the Resolutions are doing._

_Leliana did confirm that the Divine sent her to Kirkwall to investigate a possible mage rebellion. She suspects these Resolutionists are the ones whispering in the mages ears, apparently even reaching Orsino given his recent outbursts. This of course angered Anders, since she was implying that no mage could wish for freedom on their own, or consider rebelling without the aid of some fraternity within the Circle. He wasn't wrong in being angry though; I don't have to be from a Circle to know that freedom is worth fighting for. I just don't agree with the way these groups, or Orsino, have gone about doing it._

_Sebastian and I both pleaded with her to inform the Divine that things are not as dire as they may appear, and that there is a real chance at peace still to be had within Kirkwall. But Leliana either wasn't listening, or didn't care. She said the Divine considers what's happening here a real threat, and does not want to see it spread across Thedas. They want Elthina at the Grand Cathedral in Orlais, which means they are probably seriously considering war, regardless of what we had to say._

_Once Leliana left, Sebastian pointed out how, yet again, mages are out of control and will bring Kirkwall down with them. His constant generalizations are not endearing me to forgive him, and they are alienating Anders. I can't expect Sebastian to understand though, he isn't a mage. I can't help but wonder if he'd change his mind if it was me that was locked up in the Gallows. Again it comes down to his feelings for me, or his faith. Which do you think is stronger, Father?_

_I thought I'd received the answer to that question the day of the battle with the Arishok. Now I'm not so sure._

_We told Elthina what had happened, and Sebastian insisted that she leave the Chantry immediately. The Grand Cleric refused though, said she wasn't going to save her own skin while the people of Kirkwall still needed her. Maybe she thinks that if she remains, the Divine will withhold her armies. Or maybe she thinks she can make a difference, and continue to be the peacemaker between Orsino and Meredith. She was very passionate and insistent that if she is to die, she'd rather it be with her flock, keeping the vow she made to watch over Kirkwall's citizens. If her life saved another, then it is the Maker's will that it be so._

_Sebastian was furious with her. I think it's because he sees her as more than just the Grand Cleric. She has been a mother to him when his own abandoned him, and he doesn't want to lose her too. I tried to help by agreeing with him; no matter where he and I stand, I don't want to see him hurt like that, or see Elthina fall because of the actions of some misguided mages. She tried to assure us that no mage would dare come after her, and that she was not going to die as he feared._

_I hope she's right._

_Sebastian vowed to stay by her side and protect her regardless, which yet again made me question what the future holds for us now that he isn't leaving the Chantry any time soon. I will help him watch over Elthina as much as possible, but I fear I am already losing him before I had a chance to be with him. Tonight was not the time to discuss it; his emotions were all over the place, as are my own. Maybe more time apart is what we need. If I can resolve this issue with the mages and Templars, and keep Elthina safe, that will give him no reason to stay, and we can finally be together as he promised. He asked me to wait for him, and I will continue to do so until he is ready._


	63. Checking on Anders / Justice

_Dearest Father,_

_Varric visited me this morning with concern regarding Anders. Rumors of the clinic being closed, Anders disappearing for weeks at a time, drastic behavioral changes… I'm well aware that he has grown more distant over the years, but I didn't know that he was hardly seeing patients at all. Meredith has cracked down on the mages since the Viscount's death, so I had assumed Anders was simply trying to lay low for a while and stay out of trouble._

_So at the behest of Varric, I went to check on Anders. Upon entering the clinic, I ended up walking right into the middle of a fight between him and Aveline. He accused Aveline and the city guard of being another arm of the Templars. Said that if they showed up at his clinic, he was blaming her. Aveline would never do such a thing. Regardless of their disagreements, she knows I wouldn't stand for any of my friends being threatened. If anything, she's been looking out for him, so this attack from him concerned me. Aveline walked right past me in a huff; I could see she was upset, and with good reason._

_Anders apologized to me for their fight, said he didn't mean for me to see it. I wasn't the one he should've apologized to, but before I could tell him that, he went on to say that things have become out of control since Meredith has taken over the city. I asked him if he was in trouble, if anyone had come for him. He said so far he hadn't been threatened, but the mage underground he was working with was all but destroyed, the few remaining members resorting to blood magic to survive._

_Unfortunately those actions only prove Meredith isn't wrong, and I told him as much. His defense was the Blight, and how it was stopped by two mages, one being an apostate. I don't see how that had anything to do with mages in Kirkwall turning to blood magic. I got the feeling he was trying to defend their actions, and that concerns me. My fear grew as he continued by saying something catastrophic would need to happen in order to stop Meredith and the Chantry from cracking down on mages._

_Thankfully he changed the topic quickly, said that he was grateful I had come to visit because he needed my help with something. Apparently his seclusion over the last few years was largely in part because he was studying Tevinter magic, trying to find a way to separate himself from Justice. This was the first positive thing I had heard from him in a long time, a first step in a right direction to improve his quality of life. I know Justice is such a burden on him, and I was more than willing to help him in whatever way I could. He admitted that what they did was unnatural, that he can't possibly be expected to help mages when he himself is a near abomination._

_I wasted no time in this; we left immediately, picking up Fenris and Varric along the way to set out and collect the ingredients Anders needed. Fenris wasn't too happy that Anders was resorting to potions created by Tevinter Magisters, but I didn't care. If it would free Anders from Justice and didn't require blood magic, I didn't see the harm in it at all. Until I found out what getting the ingredients would entail._

_Picking through feces and urine from the sewers was not my idea of a good time by any means. Thank you Father, for never teaching me alchemy. Disgusting as it was, at least Anders did most of the digging to find what he was looking for. And as much as I despise the Bone Pit, it was a welcome change from the stench the sewers left on my clothes. It took most of the day to gather everything Anders needed, so we agreed to meet up again tomorrow to discuss what happens next._

_I admit I am a bit nervous about what's to come. Anders asked that I come alone, that he has one more favor to ask. I'm assuming since this does involve Tevinter magic that maybe he doesn't want Fenris around for further arguing, or Varric since they didn't seem to get along well today. Varric tried several times to get Anders to laugh, even pulled out some Templar jokes, but Anders wasn't in the mood. He certainly has changed, but maybe he too is just nervous. I can't imagine what it'll be like for him to be apart from Justice, and maybe he's worried things won't turn out like he hopes. He admitted that this potion is dangerous, but if that's true, I wish to have some support with me should things go wrong._

_I suppose I won't know until tomorrow._

* * *

It was odd feeling, being in the clinic of Darktown so early in the morning. Hawke had used the passage from the estate to the undercity with the hope of avoiding the early crowds in the markets. Being Champion had its disadvantages; everyone in the city knew her now, and she feared that with every step she took, someone was always watching. Even though she was given the title by the Knight-Commander, that didn't mean Meredith approved of her apostate status. It would do Anders no good to draw more attention to him, so the secret passage was her preferred method when travelling to Darktown.

Anders locked the door after she entered. What once was an open clinic to all in need had now become somewhat of a prison, of Anders own making. Hawke felt guilty at times, knowing she could walk the streets of Hightown while he was forced to hide. But still she remained hopeful; perhaps this potion would be a success, and with Justice out of the equation, Anders may prove himself worthy of some freedoms as she had.

"I appreciate you coming," Anders said when he turned to face her. "There is one more thing I must ask of you Hawke, but I can't tell you my reasons behind it."

Hawke studied his expression. "Go on," she asked cautiously.

"I must get inside the Chantry," he told her. "Preferably without being seen. And then if you can, distract the Grand Cleric for me. Talk to her for a few minutes, so I can do what must be done."

An uneasy feeling began to come over her. "We could use the passageway back to the estate and then reach the Chantry from there," she said. "But what exactly do you want me to talk to Elthina about? And what exactly is this thing that 'must be done?'"

"Food? The weather? I don't know," Anders said, but then an idea came to mind. "No, talk of mages. Let her hear how we have suffered, maybe help her understand what we have been forced to endure. She needs to pick a side, and I think she'll listen to you, considering your relationship with Sebastian."

Hawke shook her head. "I doubt that, but I will try. She has some influence over Meredith, and at the very least, she needs to see what's happening because of the Knight-Commander's actions. But I don't like going in blind Anders, tell me of your plan. Why is it exactly you need to get into the Chantry?"

Anders turned away. "There are some things better left unknown," he said quietly. "Some things you _shouldn't_ know. And regardless of how often you've supported the Templars in the past, and whatever our differences, I know you still care about what happens to the mages in this city. What could happen to me."

Hawke approached him and placed her hand on his shoulder. "What is it Anders? What is it that you don't want to tell me? I want to help, but I need to know what it is you're planning."

He turned to look at her, and the sadness and pleading in his eyes nearly overwhelmed her. "You said once that you believed in me. And you have supported the mages before when possible. Although I didn't always agree with you sending some of them back to the Gallows, or informing Cullen and the Templars when there were blood mages about, you obviously still care. I ask that you trust me now, know that I am only doing what is necessary."

"I _do_ trust you Anders," Hawke assured him. "But there isn't just you to trust, is there. You said yourself, Justice is a vengeful part of you, and that concerns me. As much as you want me to trust you, you should also trust me. You're asking me to act blindly without telling me of your plan, and I'm worried for you."

"I am taking a risk," he admitted. "Going to the Chantry, where I am most feared and hated. You are the Champion of Kirkwall, with the freedoms that title provides. I have no doubt you came here without being noticed as much as possible for fear of the consequences being seen with me may be. For us to walk into the Chantry together would be no better. It's for your own protection that I ask you of this, to allow me to go unseen, and it is also for your own protection that I do not tell you why."

There were so many unanswered questions that came with this request, but Hawke was beginning to suspect Anders was not going to give her the answers she was looking for. "We are friends Anders, that is why I feel the need to protect you. I would walk through the Gallows proudly with you by my side, but you're right, the reason I don't is I fear what harm may come to you because of it. If me doing this is the only way I can prove to you that I honor that friendship, then so be it. I just wish I didn't feel as though you were taking advantage of that friendship by putting me in this position without knowing all the facts."

"This way, I can promise to you that whatever happens, it is on my head," Anders told her. "I don't want it to come back on you. Perhaps one day you will thank me for keeping you in the dark, as I thank you now for your aid."

* * *

_Against every warning bell sounding in my head, I helped him. I went to the Chantry and spoke with Elthina while Anders slipped in behind me and disappeared down the darkened halls. I asked Elthina which side she was going to take in the brewing war between the Templars and the mages. She turned it around on me, asking me if I had changed my mind. Yes, I have supported Meredith in the past, but to hear from Anders what has been happening over the last few years since she began literally ruling the city, I'm not so sure I can continue that support._

_Elthina said we should give Orsino and Meredith time to work out their differences. She also said she was not going to show favor to either side. I told her that I understand her position; being that the Chantry and Templars go hand in hand, she really can't side with the mages no matter what Meredith does. But she said I was wrong, that she doesn't support Meredith and her methods as of late._

_To hear those words from Elthina? That even she is starting to fear Meredith? What is happening in this city Father? If innocent mages are resorting to blood magic in order to survive, that means the Knight-Commander has grown stricter, tightening the noose around their necks. Maybe Orsino was right, maybe Meredith has grown paranoid. Or am I allowing Anders' influence to cloud an opinion I have been so certain of for so long? I was starting to think his passion about the mages plight was rubbing off on me, but now with Elthina worried as well, I'm just as confused as ever. Whose side am I on?_

_Anders disappeared after I left the Chantry. I have no idea if he accomplished whatever it was he set out to do, or what was going to come of the potion he was creating. I'm sure he'll come to me when he's ready, but for now I need some time away from him, the Templars, the Chantry, anyone having to do with this brewing tension. I must find out for myself what is happening in Kirkwall, and only then can I make a decision on who I should be supporting._


	64. Champions and Captains / A Talking To

_Dearest Father,_

_After being witness to the argument between Anders and Aveline, I wanted to check in with her and make sure she was alright. I'm sure she brushed it off in her usual stoic manner, but still, it couldn't have been easy to be on the receiving end of his accusations. I know that feeling all too well after he accused me of not caring about the mages in this city._

_As I suspected, she was fine. More than fine. I walked in on her instructing her guard on their duties for the day, to which they sounded off proudly. The loudest voice of them all was Donnic, Aveline's new husband. He called her Captain with beaming pride, and the rare blush on Aveline's face was a treat to see. He is obviously smitten with her, and to see her happy again was wonderful._

_Once the troops exited her office, I asked her how their honeymoon went. They spent three weeks in Orlais, and she hadn't said a word about it! Even after my prodding though, she wouldn't budge. The woman loves her secrets, and I suppose she's entitled to the intimate ones._

_Thinking back on the day we first met, it really is astounding to see how far Aveline has come. She's always been the strong one in the group, even when faced with losing Wesley. I know he will always be in her heart, and I hope he's happy that she's been able to move on and find peace in the arms of another. Maybe this will help her forgive me for taking Wesley's life. I know she's aware it was the right thing to do, and what he asked of me, but I think some part of her still thinks he could have been saved. She has to wonder about that, because I do too. The nightmares of his death have subsided, but still haunt me after all of these years. I can't imagine what it's been like for her._

_We talked briefly about the Templars, and how they've been more than a dominant presence lately within the city. Aveline insists that without a viscount they feel they can do whatever they want, so now more than ever her guard must be equally as present. She certainly has the support of the people since most just outright fear Meredith. I don't blame them._

_She hinted about needing my help in the next few weeks. Of course she refused to give me any details, but knowing Aveline it could be anything. Whatever she needs, I'll be there._

* * *

"I really appreciate you doing this Hawke," Varric said as they walked down the steps leading to the alienage. "She's trapped herself in that hovel of hers for days, refusing to come out."

"Has she given you any reason as to why?" Hawke asked. "Although sometimes I think she enjoys the isolation, she was certainly used to it among her clan."

Varric shrugged. "I don't know, but that's no way for anyone to live. Daisy has a new clan now, us, and she needs to know that we notice when she's not around."

Hawke released a slow sigh. "I won't coddle her Varric, she's a grown woman. And I certainly can't strong-arm her into hanging out with us if she doesn't want to."

"But as a favor to me…" Varric began.

"I'm here, aren't I?" Hawke pointed out as she knocked on Merrill's door. She turned to Varric and gave him a brilliant smile. "See? I can pretend this is what I want to be doing today."

"I owe you one Hawke," Varric said.

Merrill opened the door and squealed Hawke's name. "More than one," Hawke muttered under her breath as the elf gestured for them to enter her home.

_I never explained to Varric the real reasons I was hesitant to visit Merrill. The last time I was in the presence of the Eluvian, I swear I heard whispers coming from the ancient artifact. I didn't want to be anywhere near that thing again. I feel that whenever I'm close to it, there is some outside influence making me dislike the mage, as if my caring about her is in direct conflict with someone else's plan for me. I was hoping to avoid that feeling again, but as I write this, I can still sense an underlying disgust that I can't explain._

_The other reason for avoiding her was the bond that her and Isabela had shared. I'm sure Merrill blames me for the rogue pirate running from Kirkwall. Why wouldn't she? I blame myself as well. Maybe if I had spent some more time with Isabela she wouldn't have left, or maybe returned right when I needed her to. I miss her, and I'm sure Merrill misses her too. Isabela looked out for Merrill like a big sister, and it's always hard to deal with a sibling being gone._

_Merrill was a bit snippy with Varric when he suggested she go outside for a walk, maybe visit the Lowtown Market for some fresh air. She said she had too much to do, but Varric and I both knew that wasn't true. She hasn't been doing anything, cleaning her home included, so I think it was just an excuse to try and get him to stop pestering her._

_That's when Varric bailed on me and left me alone with her. Not part of our deal as I recall, but I'll pay him back for his quick exit later. Merrill vented a little about Varric's persistence to me, saying how he was sweet but infuriating. I shared my own small frustrations with him as well so she didn't feel so alone in her feelings. That seemed to put her at ease a bit, though I did feel a small ounce of guilt for using him that way. I'm sure he'll forgive me considering where our conversation led._

_Merrill admitted that she's been hiding because she thought she saw a ghost the other day. An old clanmate of hers, Tamlen, who had disappeared when her clan was in Ferelden. She opened up about missing her clan, her family, and my heart broke just hearing the sadness in her voice. I suggested maybe we should go visit the Keeper and the clan, but she didn't want to. She feared the Keeper would only lecture her on her past actions, and would rather miss and remember them than face being an outcast among them again._

_I didn't push her any further on the subject, but I did remind her that there were people here in Kirkwall that cared about her, and she shouldn't isolate herself from us. In an effort to help take her mind off of those that are no longer around her, I invited her to the Hanged Man. Hopefully Varric can come up with something for us to do, as we all need a break from thinking about loved ones that are weighing heavily on our minds._


	65. The Storm and What Came Before It - Beware of Dog

_Dearest Father,_

_As I promised Merrill, we went to the Hanged Man to see if Varric had any new work for us. Anders was there, the two of them deep in their discussion about the Black Marsh. I remember the stories you used to tell me of that place, how haunted it was. I can't imagine Anders had actually been there, and I would've loved to have heard all about it. When he saw Merrill and I coming up the stairs however, Anders made a quick departure._

_I can't help but feel like he's been avoiding me since the last time we spoke. I haven't heard if the potion he was creating was a success, and I still have no idea what he was doing in the Chantry when he had me distract Elthina. I assumed he would come to me when he was ready to talk about it, or fill me in, but his exit upon my entrance has me wondering if there's more going on than he's telling me. Carver used to say that sometimes my curiosity got the better of me, and often it's best not to know the truth about everything. Perhaps in this case he's right, and I should just leave it alone._

_Varric didn't have anything for us to do, only a warning of the inevitable fight on the horizon. Trouble is brewing he said, Kirkwall seems to be in love with crisis, and it's only a matter of time before the next wave hit. I'd be more than happy to stay out of whatever it is, but I have this horrible feeling that I'm going to be at the center of it._

_We spent the rest of the afternoon chatting and drinking, and then Varric and I walked Merrill home. She was a bit tipsy, and still after all these years finds herself lost, so we thought it best to escort her. Varric then insisted on walking me home as well. "There are plenty of people who'd love to take a shot at the Champion," he reminded me. He's sweet, but overprotective at times. I've walked around this city alone for years, I don't feel being Champion has made me any less of a target than I already was with the feathers I've ruffled._

_Turns out it wasn't a bad idea on his part, as we arrived home to find Talyn barking up a storm in the bedroom._

* * *

"That ruckus has been going on for some time," Bodahn explained when they walked in the front door. "Can you go calm him down?" Sandal, standing beside his father, imitated the dog with a series of barking noises.

Varric looked up at Hawke. "I know you Ferelden's have a thing about Marbaris, but if I had to listen to that all day, Bianca would get twitchy."

"You'd shoot my dog?" Hawke asked as they made their way up the stairs. "Try it and Bianca will have an unfortunate accident with a sledgehammer."

Varric gasped. "You wouldn't."

Hawke laughed. "No, of course not. Just like you wouldn't hurt Talyn, even though that noise is piercing my ears."

They entered the bedroom to find Hawke's Mabari barking incessantly at her wardrobe cabinet. "Offended by your fashion sense?" Varric asked. "Or lack thereof."

"Forgive me for not being up on the latest apostate fashion out of Orlais," Hawke said as she knelt beside the dog, who was now growling angrily. "Easy boy. What is it? Something in there?"

Talyn continued to bark, keeping his eyes on the cabinet.

"Alright then," Hawke replied as she stood. "Shall we have a look?"

"Please don't open the door," a muffled man's voice came from within the cabinet.

"Hmm," Varric said. "Doesn't sound like anyone we know."

"Only one way to find out," Hawke said, opening the door against the occupant's wishes. "Good boy Talyn! You've caught a burglar!"

A scruffy looking man with a scared expression hesitated on exiting the cabinet as Talyn continued to growl. "My legs were cramping in there, thank the Maker you've come. Just let me go, I promise not to bother you again."

"You really expect me to just let you walk out of here?" Hawke asked the intruder.

"Please serah," the man begged. "I was seduced by crime at a very young age. "But your guard-monster has scared me towards a path of honest work!"

"If he's being honest, I'm the Queen of Ferelden," Varric stated.

Hawke released a small sigh. "Get out of here," she told the stranger. "Don't let it happen again, or next time I'll make sure Talyn is good and hungry."

"Thank you Champion, for sparing my miserable life," the man said as he ran from the bedroom.

"Well, that was exciting," Varric said as they followed the man downstairs to make sure he left without incident. "We should probably look into how he got in here in the first place."

Hawke shrugged as she walked toward the desk and browsed some of the letters waiting for her. "Any number of ways I'm sure," she said, distracted by one letter in particular.

"Find something interesting?" Varric asked. Hawke handed him the parchment and he read it aloud. "'I require your assistance in a matter of great urgency. Please report to the Templar Hall in the Gallows at your earliest convenience. Sincerely, Knight-Commander Meredith.' Sincerely, yeah right. Sounds like a trap to me."

Hawke laughed. "What, you're thinking she'd invite me to the Gallows only to lock me up?"

"I wouldn't put it past her," Varric said. "My curiosity however is getting the better of me. You should bring me along, as well as Aveline; less likely to be locked up with the Captain of the Guard beside you. And perhaps you should bring Sebastian as well."

Hawke raised a brow at his last suggestion. "Really? Sebastian? And why is that Varric?"

"Oh, you know, a representative of the Chantry can be a good reminder that Meredith isn't as in power as she thinks she is," Varric said. "He'll keep her humble. She can't misbehave knowing he'll report back to Elthina if she does."

Hawke shook her head. "I don't know Varric," she said. "Sebastian and I haven't really spoken since the whole 'mages will bring down Kirkwall' argument."

"Maybe this is your chance to prove he's wrong," Varric told her. "You're a mage, yet you're coming to the aid of the Knight-Commander who, for the record, is asking you to do so. And besides, you can't avoid him forever."

"No?" Hawke asked. "I wasn't going for forever, but maybe a little more than a week. He's made no effort to seek me out since his return, so it's clear to me he's not interested in a reconciliation."

"The only thing clear in this situation is how stubborn you both are," Varric stated. "You think he hates you because he's protecting Elthina after Leliana's warning, so you're avoiding him. He thinks you hate him for the kiss and run he pulled, so he's avoiding you."

"Sounds about right," Hawke acknowledged.

Varric shook his head. "I'm inviting him to come along, and when it's all over, I'm locking you two in a room together until your sort this out."

Hawke sighed. "Fine. Just make sure there's plenty of food and water," she told him. "There's no telling how long that may take."

"As long as it's resolved one way or the other, take all the time you need," Varric said. "Though it would be nice to see you kids work it out, Maker knows you two have danced around the inevitable outcome long enough."

"And what outcome is that?" Hawke asked out of curiosity.

"That you'll live happily ever after and rule the world," Varric said with a smile. "Or at least Kirkwall and Starkhaven."

"You have big dreams for us Varric," Hawke said. "But I do appreciate the effort. You're a good friend."

Varric smiled. "Tell me something I don't know."


	66. On the Loose

"Well now, isn't that a sight," Aveline commented at the two men walking down the stairs.

Hawke followed the Guard-Captain's gaze and felt her heart skip a beat. Varric was easy to spot in the distance, Bianca always gave him away, but the man beside him was causing her brief panic. Seeing Sebastian walking toward her, Hawke briefly imagined him taking her into his arms and kissing her, leaving all arguments aside. It would be enough to forgive him for anything, but the fantasy was short-lived when he delivered his cold, short greeting. "Aveline, Hawke," Sebastian nodded to both women.

Alright then, all business it is, Hawke thought to herself. "Hello Sebastian, thank you for coming."

"Is no one else going to comment on the fact that you're standing in front of a giant statue of, well, you?" Varric asked the two women leaning against the giant chiseled rock.

Hawke groaned. "I hate this thing," she whispered, staring up at her gift from Meredith. "And to have it here of all places, where every newcomer can see it and know my face. I wonder if someone is trying to make assassination attempts easier by making sure everyone knows what I look like."

"We won't let that happen Hawke," Varric assured her. "Not without a substantial cut in the profits at least."

Hawke laughed. "Thanks Varric, I feel much better now. Are we ready to do this?"

"Walk into the lion's den?" Varric said. "I was born ready."

"Just make sure Bianca's ready as well," Hawke told him. "I doubt Meredith would try anything, but it can't hurt to be cautious."

* * *

_Dearest Father,_

_For whatever reason, it seems the Knight-Commander believes she can count on me to rid the city of escaped mages from the Circle. I don't know if it's because of my actions in the past, or Carver's influence within the Templars, but it was a little disconcerting. Is it too much to hope she's forgotten I'm a mage and sees me now as only someone who can help her with the troubles within the city? Somehow I doubt that, but I can hope, right?_

_She told me about three mages that had escaped the Gallows with the assistance of some of her Templars. It surprised me that she'd admit that to me, and I don't entirely know what her motive would've been for revealing that particular fact. Either way, what concerned her most about the three that had escaped was the rumors that they had all turned to blood magic after leaving the circle._

_I agreed to look into it for her, if only to remain on her good side and make certain that innocent mages weren't being accused of something they weren't doing. After a few leads from her assistant Elsa, a tranquil mage I was directed to perhaps as a warning of what could happen to me if I don't complete this task, we began our search in the Alienage for an elf named Huon. His wife Nyssa informed us that he'd be returning later that night, so while we waited, we went to speak to the de Launcet's, parents of Emile who had also escaped._

_Turns out he wasn't home either, but we were directed to the Hanged Man where they had heard Emile was spending his coin on the drink. The poor boy thought that spreading a rumor he was a blood mage would make him seem a little less weak than he appeared, and had hoped it would draw the attention of the ladies. I can only suspect he was going for the rebel suave guy, but it really didn't work for him. He begged us to allow him one night of freedom, as he had just paid for the services of one of the local ladies. I couldn't say no to him. Who was I to deny this man one night of freedom when I have had it for so long? He gave me his word that he'd turn himself in as soon as he was finished, but I paid Nora a little extra to make certain that he did so._

_The third mage we were tasked to find was Evelina. I already knew where she was, as I had given her coin once to help her out with some orphans she had escaped the Blight with. I wasn't sure why Meredith had waited so long to pursue her, but I found out quickly enough when those boys informed me she had a major change in her behavior. Sure enough, when we found her below Darktown in the sewers, it was clear she had turned to blood magic. We had no choice but to kill her. Unfortunately the children were there to witness her as an abomination, and I did my best to remind them of the loving, caring woman she used to be._

_It also ended badly for Huon, and I feel terrible that I was not able to save his wife. I had promised Nyssa that no harm would come to her, but the battle with Evelina delayed our return to the Alienage. When we arrived, we were too late; he had already killed her. During the commotion, Merrill had come out of her home to assist, and I filled her in on what had happened. I suppose it's too much to hope that the more she sees the damage blood magic can cause, the less she'll use it. Varric felt I was a bit too harsh with her, but Sebastian seemed to approve of my brief lecture. Aveline, for once, remained silent._

_We returned to the Gallows, and Meredith confirmed that Emille had indeed turned himself in. She asked me if I believed he was a danger, and I told her exactly what had happened. She seemed to accept my word that he was no blood mage, but added that she would keep a close eye on him just in case._

_I'm hopeful that my assistance in this matter will buy me a little more time, which I suspect may be coming to an end. After a brief chat with Cullen and a few of the other Templars in the courtyard of the Gallows, it sounds like Meredith is really cracking down on the mages, and sometimes it's all too easy to forget that I am one of them. I was hoping to see Carver and get his take on the situation, but he was nowhere to be seen. I suspect Meredith made sure of that when she knew I would be coming to see her. Maybe I'll write a letter to him, and see if Cullen would be willing to get it to him. Risky, but it may be necessary to try and stay one step ahead of her._

_Overall it was a very difficult day Father, but it's what happened after that has me still smiling as I write this. And I owe it all to Varric._

* * *

"Hawke, you may have made a few more enemies today," Varric said as they arrived at the docks. "I don't think it was a coincidence those blood mages showing up when we left the de Launcet estate."

"I agree," Aveline said. "You should be more careful Hawke. It's not just the blood mages that concern me, but the Templar's who assisted in their escape. You've been walking a fine line between the two, but you may have ruffled some feathers on both sides."

Hawke sighed. "Tell me something I don't know. But what are you two suggesting I do, lock myself in my room?"

"Not at all," Varric told her. "I'd just feel better if I knew you weren't wandering the streets alone. I need to speak with Aveline about some merchant guild problems, perhaps Sebastian could escort you home? I'm sure you two have some catching up to do anyway."

"Subtle Varric," Aveline muttered.

Sebastian nodded, missing the dwarf's remark. "Of course. That is, if it's alright with Hawke."

"It's fine," Hawke told him, her nerves revealing themselves in the higher pitched tone. She turned to say goodbye to Varric and Aveline, but he was quickly escorting the Guard-Captain away, leaving her alone with Sebastian.

"Shall we?" Sebastian asked, gesturing with an extended hand for them to begin their walk to Hightown.

Hawke nodded and fell into step with him as they walked. After several moments of awkward silence, they both began to speak at the same time.

"Sebastian," Hawke said.

"Hawke," Sebastian said. The two laughed at their synchronized timing, and then Sebastian continued. "Lady's first. What's on your mind Hawke?"

She cleared her throat. "I think I owe you an apology," she started.

"Whatever for?" he asked.

"Our argument the other day," she continued. "You had made a comment after we met with Leliana about the mages of Kirkwall being out of control, and how they would ruin this city. Obviously given my particular gift at birth, I was quite offended by the remark. But after what's happened today, and all that I have been witness to over the years, I don't think you were entirely wrong to say such a thing."

"Hawke, surely you know when I said that I was not including you," Sebastian told her as they walked up the stairs from the docks to Lowtown. "You have done nothing but good for Kirkwall, but it is the mages as a whole that will cause the Exalted March if the situation is not kept under control. I hate to say it, but even Anders has me a bit concerned as of late."

She had to agree with him on that, and she nodded. "You're not the only one worried about him," Hawke admitted. "But seeing Huon tonight, and how he had no hesitation in killing his wife… it startled me. To be that desperate for your freedom, or power, that agreeing to work with a demon sounds like an acceptable option."

"To be fair Hawke, it's not only mages that have that weakness," Sebastian said. "Lady Harimann fell prey to a demon, and that Templar Wilmod you told me about, just to name a few. Even Ser Cullen found it difficult to resist his torment in Ferelden. It is the strength within those that resist that force the demons to find a weaker mind. And whether Anders admits it or not, no possession is a good one when you are no longer completely in control of your actions."

"But what is the solution?" Hawke asked. "We lock up mages to prevent them turning, but they do anyway. And we can't lock up all who aren't mages in fear of possession, so what do we do?"

"You do what you have been doing," Sebastian told her. "Help those that are incapable of helping themselves, and pray that no more innocents are lost to those foul creatures."

They remained silent as they walked through Lowtown and ascended the stairs to Hightown. It wasn't until they reached the door to Hawke's estate that she remembered Sebastian had wanted to talk about something as well. "I'm afraid we never got around to what it was you were going to say," she told him as she stopped in front of the estate. "Do you want to come in and talk about it?"

Sebastian hesitated for a moment, but then nodded, and the two of them walked inside.

* * *

_I had no idea what troubles Sebastian faced when he returned to Starkhaven. I had always imagined that he could just walk through the city, announce he was taking over, and everyone would accept it. How far from the truth that is._

_He apologized for leaving so abruptly after the battle with the Arishok. He had received word a few days prior from an old friend within the city that the Antivan Crows were hired to kill his cousin Goran who currently rules Starkhaven. He feared telling anyone about it would risk his cousin's life, so he remained in Kirkwall long enough to make sure I was alright before he departed. He didn't feel comfortable enough telling any of my companions why he was leaving, for fear he'd lose the element of surprise with his return._

_With the help of Goran's current staff and several old contacts, Sebastian remained hidden within the city until the Crows made their move. Sebastian was also able to discover who had orchestrated the attempt on Goran's life. It took some time, but Goran remains the ruler of Starkhaven, and the threat no longer exists. He didn't offer any details as to who was involved or what he had to do, and I didn't push him. It was enough that we were talking again._

_Upon returning to Kirkwall, apparently Elthina laid on a pretty heavy guilt trip over his departure, his forgotten vows, and his indecisiveness. While trying to find the words to tell Elthina he had decided to leave the Chantry, he was praying to the Maker to give him a clear sign as to what he should do. And that's when Elthina told us about her fears of an Exalted March. With her life now in jeopardy, Sebastian has decided to remain with the Chantry to watch over her._

_I asked him what this meant for us, if there even was a hope of us anymore. He assured me that there was, that even though he is remaining with the Chantry right now, there will be a time when he must return to Starkhaven. He will continue to try and convince Elthina to go to Orlais as Leliana asked, and if she agrees, then he will return to Starkhaven. He will also use this time to reach out to surrounding cities and see what kind of support he can gain if he were to take rule from Goran._

_And as we said our goodbyes, I received that kiss I had been hoping for. Our second kiss was so much more powerful than the first Father. Instead of a kiss that had desperation, fear, and goodbyes behind it, this one was full of hope, love, and the promise of a future together._


	67. Mine Massacre

"How can you keep standing up for her?" Anders asked.

"And who exactly it is that you are referring to?" Sebastian asked.

"That doddering old bitty of a grand cleric," Anders stated.

"How dare you," Sebastian said. "Elthina is everything a grand cleric should be. She is holy and wise, and looking out for the people of this city as best she can."

Anders shook his head. "No, she is spineless and hesitant. She is clay in Meredith's hands and will side with her even if she knows Meredith is wrong in her actions."

"In the face of danger, sometimes the bravest thing is to stand back and trust that the Maker will see justice done," Sebastian told him.

"It seems doing nothing sums up your religion," Anders stated. "And therefore Elthina is perfect in her position. But you're right, justice will be done, but not by the hands of the Maker."

"You've made no secret of your intent to lead the mages of Kirkwall into a rebellion," Sebastian said. "Is that the justice you are referring to? Or could it be Justice inside of you that you speak of?"

Anders laughed. "I have not been vocal publicly about my intentions, you've just been around when I talk to my friends."

"Those friends you speak of are of mutual acquaintance," Sebastian pointed out. "Many of which do not wish for you to get hurt. So as a courtesy and respect for them, I feel it is my duty to warn you: if you go forward with this revolt, the Chantry will bring its full might down upon you. They will not hesitate to kill you."

"Andraste was killed," Anders reminded him. "And she did not fail."

"You compare yourself to Andraste then?" Sebastian asked. "Foolish boy."

"I don't know about you Hawke," Varric interrupted, "but I've had about enough of this conversation."

Hawke agreed. "Can the two of you try to get along for the rest of the trip? We have a long way to go, and I'd hate for there to be bloodshed before we even arrive."

"Yes, we're done talking," Anders said, walking briskly away from the group.

Varric looked up at Hawke. "Want me to see if I can get him to be a little less broody?"

"I'd appreciate that Varric," Hawke said.

The dwarf caught up to the healer, and Hawke watched as Varric tried in vain to cheer him up. Hand gestures, boastful laughs, nothing seemed to be working. Hawke sighed, frustrated with the change in Anders' behavior. Inwardly she wondered if there was anything more they could do for him, but Sebastian interrupted her thoughts.

"Hawke, may I ask you something?"

"Of course," Hawke replied.

"Did Anders ever tell you what he wanted in the Chantry?" Sebastian asked. "I won't ask to you betray a confidence, but I find it odd that he of all people would visit a place he clearly despises."

She shook her head. "No, he never told me," she admitted. "But if it concerns you, know that you are not alone."

* * *

_Dearest Father,_

_That was not the way I had hoped for the day to begin. After receiving a letter from Hubert and hearing about the lack of communication with the mine workers, I decided it best to bring Anders as a backup healer to check out the situation. Now that Sebastian and I have worked out our problems, I wanted to take him along as well. I had no idea the two would clash as they have, but I suppose I should've seen it coming._

_They both eventually agreed to disagree and just not speak. I doubt anything would ever be resolved if they had. Varric reminded me that Anders may hold a grudge against Sebastian for our relationship, and the way he left me, but I think Sebastian still being a part of the Chantry also plays a large role in the tension between the two. I know Anders and I have been in a few arguments over religion, and Sebastian is a huge representation of the Chantry, so for them to be together is a recipe for disaster._

_Once we arrived at the Bone Pit, all arguments were forgotten. The devastation we came upon was enough to quiet us all. When Hubert said that a cart with mangled bodies had left the Bone Pit, I had hoped he was exaggerating. But he wasn't; everything and everyone was lost. Flames engulfed the camp; there was nothing to be salvaged, and no one to be saved. Upon further investigation, we discovered the cause of the immense loss._

_Some small part within me had hoped that the large high dragon we saw flying through the sky was Flemeth. At least if it were her, I could talk with her and find out why such needless death was necessary. But the dragon was just that, a beast capable of mass destruction, and I knew we had to destroy her before she could make her way to Kirkwall._

_I hadn't planned on entering such a difficult battle; if I had, I would've brought Fenris or Aveline with me. Although it was a benefit to having the four of us be able to fight the dragon while she was in flight, we were overwhelmed when she landed. And it wasn't just her we faced, but her dragonlings as well. There were several close calls during the battle, and I do believe if it weren't for Anders, I would not be writing this to you now._

"If you are trying to prove to me I'd be lost without you, it's working," Sebastian said as he caressed her cheek, wiping the dragon's blood off her face.

Hawke gave him a sheepish grin. "I was doing no such thing," she told him. "But if it keeps causing this kind of reaction, I may have to almost die more often."

Sebastian's eyes narrowed as he brought his other arm around her waist. "You will do no such thing," he said before kissing her gently.

"I was kidding Sebastian," Hawke said when he pulled away from their embrace. "Thank you, though, for caring."

"I more than care for you Marian," Sebastian whispered.

A not-so-subtle cough interrupted the moment between them. "If you two lovebirds are finished, I'd like to get out of here," Varric stated. "That was the second time we almost lost a Hawke to a dragon in this place, I don't want to tempt fate by sticking around."

Sebastian looked at Varric curiously. "The second time?"

Hawke nodded. "When I first went into business with Hubert, there was a similar incident. The miners refused to work because of a nest of dragonlings they had uncovered. We cleared out the mine with little resistance, but when we came face to face with the mature dragon out on the ledge at the mine's exit, we faced a tough battle." She felt a chill run through her body as she spoke of that day. "Carver almost died."

"And you nearly died today," Sebastian said. "Why, after such a horrific event, would you continue to help Hubert in this?"

"I wasn't doing it to help him," Hawke told him. "Back when I first met Hubert, yes I was desperate for coin to fund the expedition, but originally I declined his offer in assisting with this place. It wasn't until I found out all of the workers were from Ferelden that I agreed to become his partner. I did it for them, not for him." She released a quiet sigh, and took one last look at the burning remains of the camp. "I suppose none of that matters now that they're all dead."

"It mattered to their families that you provided work for them," Sebastian said in an attempt to console her.

Hawke nodded. "I suppose you're right. We'll have to tell them what happened, and Hubert too."

"Perhaps the Chantry can assist those these men have left behind," Sebastian offered.

"That would be nice," Hawke said, accepting his offer. "And any additional funds you may need, let me know."

_I do believe the years of experience have honed my skills a bit, and with both Anders and I there to bring healing to the group, we did far better than that first battle, even if I almost died. It was sweet of Sebastian to care as much as he did, and to offer assistance to the families of the workers._

_When I arrived home, there were two letters waiting for me. One from Elsa, Meredith's assistance, which included payment for helping her track down the apostates. Guillame de Launcet also sent coin for saving Emille. The coin they sent I will bring to Sebastian in the morning so he can add it to the mine workers family fund we have created._

_Hubert was more upset about his precious equipment being lost than the workers. I can't say that I'm surprised at his behavior, he's always been a bit of an ass. I agreed to take the mine off his hands permanently and end our partnership. Varric says the first thing I should do as its new owner is rename it the Pie Fields. Silly dwarf. I have half a mind to destroy it all permanently so no one else ever comes to harm there. Spiders, undead, dragons… that place is just a magnet for disaster, and now I truly believe Fenris was correct when he said it was cursed._

_Which reminds me, I need to go check on Fenris tomorrow. I wonder if he's upset with me for assisting Anders in creating that Tevinter potion, because I haven't seen or heard from him since. He hasn't been to the Hanged Man either according to Varric, which worries me. I hope he's alright._


	68. Alone

_Dearest Father,_

_I'm starting to wonder why every time I go to check on my friends, Aveline is with them having some sort of argument. First it was Anders, and now Fenris. Sebastian and I walked into the mansion and heard the two of them arguing upstairs. By the time we reached them, Aveline was already walking out, telling me to deal with Fenris as she left. I know the two have had their issues with Aveline trying to keep the seneschal from reclaiming the mansion for Kirkwall, but when I heard the reason for her visit, I was surprised that Aveline would be so uncaring considering the situation._

_After Fenris was done cursing in that language he so loves to use that none of us understand, he explained the reason for Aveline's visit. He had asked her to have the guards keep an eye out for a ship he believed his sister was on, and that ship had recently docked in Kirkwall. He told us that he had been writing her, and eventually convinced her to come visit._

_There was a time when Fenris told me there was no point in meeting her, that she was probably under Danarius' spell or something and having her here would only bring him with her. I asked him about why he decided to reach out now, but he didn't have a clear answer. I don't think even he knows why he was interested in finding out more about her; yes, it's a part of his past, but his past is so full of nightmares and torture, why go back down that road?_

_There was no way I was going to let him meet her without backup, just in case it was a trap, and he agreed. He wanted Sebastian to come as well, but asked that I not involved Varric. Five sovereigns says the dwarf already knew the sister was in the city, considering she was staying at the Hanged Man, but I respected Fenris' wishes of not wanting to become the focus of yet another one of Varric's stories._

_Of course he may have reconsidered once he found out I asked Anders to come along. If it wasn't a trap set by Danarius, then great, Anders got some time away from whatever it is he's become involved with lately, and Fenris got to spend time with his sister. If it was a trap, I wanted another mage by my side, and to be honest Father, I didn't want Merrill to get a taste of how powerful a blood mage could be when given the freedom to practice such dark magic._

_The first thing I noticed when I met Varania was her eyes. So full of pain and a sense of being lost, they matched Fenris' perfectly. It was easy to see that they were siblings; with the exception of her fiery red hair that contrasted his white, they were nearly identical. Nose, lips, ears, even their height was similar, taller than the average elf. She called him Leto, his name before he had brutally lost his memories and been renamed. Seems like such a happy girly name, which definitely doesn't fit the broody strong man that Fenris has become. I can't imagine him ever being a Leto, at least not in my eyes._

_The awkward reunion didn't last long. I noticed Varania kept looking toward the stairs, and I knew immediately that we had indeed walked into her trap. I begged Fenris to leave, but it was too late. As if summoned by her glance, Danarius appeared._

_I can see why Fenris has been so apprehensive at a confrontation with his former master. Hard lines on his face, cold blue eyes, sinister smile behind that large gray beard. Danarius wasted no time upsetting Fenris and Sebastian with his words, claiming I was Fenris' new mistress, and that Fenris would be returning to Tevinter with him. Once Fenris told him to shut his mouth, the battle began._

_Varania did nothing to assist in the fight, just stood at the bottom of the stairs like an obedient dog. The slavers Danarius had brought with him struck first, but they were no match for our skill. The last one fell after he said I'd fetch a handsome price on the slave market, thanks to Sebastian responding with an arrow through his eye._

_Seeing his men dead, Danarius began summoning corpses, shades, and demons. I knew then it was the right decision not to have Merrill by my side; I fear if she ever entered into an altercation with the Templars in the Alienage, she'd easily resort to this tactic in fear. To know she has the ability within her is a frightening thought, but I couldn't dwell on that too much, as Fenris was in need of healing, and Anders was distracted assisting Sebastian._

_Danarius had spent so much of his energy on summoning his army, that he left little for himself when the final confrontation began. Anders, Sebastian and I pulled back a little, allowing Fenris the chance to fight his former master one on one. It's what he has been both dreading and dreaming of, and we wanted him to accomplish that goal on his own if he had any chance of ever feeling free again. The older mage was no match for the emotion and rage years of torment can bring out in a person. Fenris took a moment to proudly inform Danarius that he was no longer his master, and then the former slave crushed the throat of his enemy without another word._

_A once powerful magister lay dead on the tavern floor, surrounded by all who were meant to protect him. Except one, the red-haired elf that stood over his corpse. You can't just turn off anger as easily as it can be provoked, so when Fenris set his eyes on his sister, his rage continued to grow._

Varania backed away from Fenris, putting her hands up in front of her as if to protect herself from his wrath. Hawke kept her distance, waiting to see how this family reunion would be concluded. She could feel Sebastian holding his breath beside her, and was vaguely aware of Anders off in the corner.

"I had no choice," Varania insisted, backing herself against the wall. "He was going to make me his apprentice, and I would have been a respected magister instead of some poor tailor."

Her words only fueled the fire burning within Fenris. "You sold out your own brother to become a magister?"

"Your sister is a mage?" Anders voice came from the distance. Hawke turned to Anders, hoping her glare would stop Anders from continuing, but it didn't. "You're nothing but a bloody hypocrite!"

All eyes were on Anders now, and the anger within both Fenris and Hawke were enough to cause a faint glow from the mage. He felt threatened enough that Justice was near the surface, but that didn't stop Hawke from lashing out at the former warden.

"How exactly does that make him a hypocrite?" Hawke asked. "Fenris didn't even know he had a sister until Hadriana told him, and even then there was no way of knowing she was a mage."

"Why else would he call us all here for a simple family reunion?" Anders asked. "Because he knew she was a mage, knew she'd be working with Danarius. He's let one bad experience damn us all for the power we were born with, including his own sister!"

"One bad experience?" Hawke couldn't believe what she was hearing. "Anders, are you that far gone that you really believe that? What Fenris has had to endure at the hands of a mage is unthinkable! Even if he was aware that his sister is a mage, or even his mother for that sake, I doubt he'd have any sympathy or compassion for us after what he's been through. For you to even question why he feels as he does makes me question if there's anything left to Anders at all in there, or if this is all Justice talking."

It was clear Anders was fighting a losing battle within himself, and it was only a matter of seconds before Justice took over. " ** _You know nothing,_** " the spirit said in his large booming voice. " _ **But soon you will know the true power of Justice!**_ "

Sebastian stepped forward with his bow ready and aimed at Justice, getting in-between he and Hawke. The faint shimmer beneath Anders' skin subsided as the mage regained control from the spirit. He took one look at Sebastian and the arrow that was aimed at his head, and then left the Hanged Man without another word.

"Leto," Varania whispered behind them.

"Stop calling me that," Fenris snarled as he focused his attention back on his sister.

"You have no idea what we went through," she tried to explain. "The things I had to do to survive when Mother died. This was my only chance."

Fenris closed the distance between them as his markings began to glow with the power that was building. "It seems now you have no chance at all," he told her.

Varania could feel the seconds of her life coming to an end, and began to beg the group for mercy. "Please, Leto, don't do this," she said to Fenris. When she saw he had no intention of stopping, she turned to Hawke and Sebastian. "Please, tell him to stop!"

"I'm sorry," Hawke told her. "This can't be stopped now. And even if I had that kind of control over your brother, I'd still allow it to be his decision. We may not ever know what you have been through, but you certainly don't know what Fenris has been through either."

Varania's last hope was Sebastian, but he turned his back on them both, not wishing to be witness to what he knew was to come.

"I would have given you everything," Fenris whispered. Hawke closed her eyes as she heard the familiar sound of lyrium branded hands crushing a human heart.

_There was an eerie moment of silence after that Father. None of the patrons of the Hanged Man had dared to come out of hiding, and Sebastian and I just stood there, unsure of what to do next. The sadness in Fenris' eyes were nearly unbearable to look at, but I had to be strong for my friend._

_He stared at their bodies for a long time, Varania and Danarius. The man who had controlled his past and the woman who wanted to control his future. To have them both gone now should have brought him some peace, but when he finally broke his silence, I knew it didn't. He said that he thought discovering his past would bring him some sense of belonging, but now he was more confused than ever._

_In that moment, I could see that he felt truly alone. He said as much, and Sebastian and I did our best to convince him that wasn't the case. He was alone in his past, in his life with Danarius, not knowing his family. But for the last few years he has built a new family in Kirkwall, we are his family and his friends, and we will continue to be so as long as he'll allow it._

_The choice is his._


	69. Questioning Beliefs: Fenris (Act 3)

_Dearest Father,_

_I have been thinking a lot about what happened yesterday with Varania. I wonder now if I should have fought for her, tried to convince Fenris not to kill her. Will he have regrets in doing so? And will he blame me for letting him make the decision? For his entire life that he remembers, he's been told what to do. I didn't want to continue that; it's bad enough I drag him into things he may not be comfortable doing, but family matters should always be kept within the family._

_It's impossible not to think of what the future holds for Carver and I. The tension between the mages and Templars grows daily, and we are at opposites in this brewing war. Carver has chosen his side, and I have yet to decide mine. I do agree that the Circle is necessary, though it doesn't mean I am willing to walk to the Gallows and surrender any time soon. While Anders has a point that mages shouldn't be punished just for being born with magic, Meredith is correct when she points out the corruption that has occurred within this city alone. There doesn't appear to be a middle ground._

_So what then Father? If the time comes that Kirkwall goes to war, will I be able to kill my brother as easily as Fenris killed Varania? Will Carver not hesitate to strike me down as he has been trained to do? I suppose it may be harder in our case since we've known each other our entire lives, and Fenris knew nothing of his sister. But it's starting to weigh heavily on my mind._

_Just thinking about that kind of confrontation is upsetting, so I'm going to check on Fenris and see how he's holding up. The loss of his family, the freedom from Danarius, it must be a lot to take in all at once. I hope he's willing to talk about it, and not just hide in his mansion._

* * *

"You don't need to stay in this pit anymore you know," Hawke and Sebastian heard Varric saying as they entered Fenris' home. "Not that you haven't fixed it up nicely, with the cobwebs and rotting corpses."

"It's falling apart," Aveline stated. "The property value in this area is dropping, and the seneschal isn't going to ignore that for much longer. You're just lucky there's no viscount breathing down his neck at the moment."

Fenris agreed. "I am well aware Aveline. I do appreciate what you've done, and now that I'll have some free time on my hands, I'll work on that."

Hawke and Sebastian entered the room just in time for Varric to reel them into the conversation. "Do you hear that Hawke? The broody elf is staying! He could go anywhere now, and yet he just can't get enough of Kirkwall."

"Where does one go when one does not remember anything else?" Fenris asked.

Varric shook his head. "Yes, I suppose freedom is a terrible burden. Guess that means I'll see you later for drinks at the Hanged Man."

"I should go too," Aveline said, excusing herself. "But I mean it Fenris. Clean up this dump, or else I will be forced to throw you out."

Fenris nodded, and waited for the two to depart before continuing his thought. "They just don't understand," he told Hawke and Sebastian. "Yes, I am free. With Danarius dead, I could go anywhere, do anything. But his death has left me more confused than before."

"You thought killing him would solve everything," Hawke said, knowing how the elf was feeling. "Revenge drives you, but in the end it solves nothing."

"Exactly," Fenris agreed. "I thought if I didn't need to run and fight to stay alive, I could finally live as a free man. But my past has died with my sister. Which leaves me with nothing. No family, not even an enemy. What good is a former slave to society?"

"Maybe that's the problem," Hawke told him. "You still see yourself as a slave, when you are much more than that. With Danarius gone, you can do anything you like. You answer to no one but yourself, and that is the meaning of freedom."

Fenris thought on her words. "The future of a slave is never uncertain, but you are correct, I am no longer a slave. Perhaps it's time I start remembering that."

"If you're looking for a place to start a new life, you are welcome to come with me when I return to Starkhaven," Sebastian offered.

"What would I do, exactly?" Fenris asked. "Apart from assisting Hawke, I have no real skill for any sort of work."

Sebastian disagreed. "You're a fine warrior Fenris, and my army will need a strong leader. If you could train men to fight like you do, no one would dare try to steal the throne from the Vaels again."

"I'm no leader," Fenris said. "And I doubt humans would want me training them."

"Things will be different in Starkhaven," Sebastian told him. "Once I secure the throne, I plan on abolishing the alienage, and welcome the elves to live free among the humans of the city. My cousin has already recruited elves into the army through competition, so I have no doubt that by the time we get there, you will be welcomed as their teacher."

"A worthy goal," Fenris said, considering the offer.

"It's a new start, if you want it," Sebastian said. "Though keep in mind, it's not entirely selfless on my part."

"How so?" Fenris asked.

"I would trust no other to protect Hawke within my kingdom," Sebastian stated. "Knowing you were there keeping her safe when I cannot would help me be a better ruler. As my wife, she'd be as much a target as I would."

Hawke turned to look at Sebastian. "I'm sorry, did I miss the part where you proposed marriage?"

Sebastian laughed. "Not at all. But one day, you will be, assuming you agree. I'm only preparing for our inevitable future."

Hawke nodded. "Well then, good to know."

"Leader of an army, a mage for a friend." Fenris shook his head. "When I came to Kirkwall, I would never have imagined either. I can certainly think of worse things in life."

"And your life has only just begun," Hawke said. "There is nothing from your past to run from, no need to hide. Life is whatever you make of it. Your future is yours."

"In that case," Fenris said, reaching for a bottle of wine, "whatever the future holds, I hope it is at your side." He poured them both a glass, and raised the bottle in the air. "To the future."

"And to freedom," Hawke added. "For all of us."


	70. Non-Quest: Dearest Mother

_Dear Mother,_

_The anniversary of your death draws near, and you have been on my mind more and more as of late. With everything that has happened in my life, it's hard to imagine that you are not here to be witness to it. I hate that you're not here, because there is so much I want and need to talk to you about. Some days I blame you for wanting to move on after Father; if you hadn't, then you never would've gone out with another man and been in the situation that led to your death. Other days I blame myself for not being strong enough to save you._

_You and I were never that close, but somewhere in the back of my mind I had always hoped that one day we would be. I suppose I gravitated more toward Father because he didn't judge me; he understood me for who I was and accepted me and all my flaws. Mistake after mistake he was there to pick me up, brush me off, and helped me truly believe that I could continue on and do better, be better. Father and I had so much in common, including our personalities, and I think that's why we had such a close relationship. I was always daddy's little girl._

_I have tried to understand why you and I were so distant with each other. At first I thought it was because of the connection Father and I had of being mages, but after the twins were born, you had that closeness with Bethany that I had always wanted. You would make the pretty dresses for her, lavished attention on her. And when she made mistakes, I was blamed for them. More and more you told me that I was a bad example, the bad influence, that caused your darling daughter to stray down the wrong path. In your eyes Bethany was perfect, but if she did falter, it was because of me._

_Over time I had given up on you ever being there for me the way you were there for her. She got all of your attention, and it brought Father and I that much closer. So in a way I suppose I benefited from your cold shoulder. And I came to accept it, because I had Father, so it was okay._

_When Father died, I needed you more than ever. I needed my mother. I was alone. But you were so lost in your own grief that you didn't have time for me. And so I spent years trying to take care of you while holding onto Father in every way possible, because there was no time for me to say goodbye to him. You stole that time from me, and sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be able to let him go._

_The distance between us continued to grow. And on the day Bethany died, your true feelings for me came out; you blamed me yet again for her actions, and I've held that guilt for a long time. I've been holding the guilt of your death as well. I don't want it anymore Mother. I don't want to feel like every bad thing that has happened in the world is my fault. Carver once tried to convince me to stop feeling this way, said I was only punishing myself. Maybe it's time I listen to him._

_We were making some progress during our time in Kirkwall, at least I thought so. I still feel as though you were never proud of me though, never truly had forgiven me for Bethany's death. As I've grown older, I have tried to understand your point of view, and suspect that maybe you've always resented me for my relationship with Father. My being a mage took a lot of his time away from you while he trained me, and I wonder if perhaps you felt neglected by him. It would have been easier to blame me for stealing his time than blame the man you loved. And maybe you didn't even mean to do it on purpose. I suppose now I'll never know for sure, but I think I finally get it._

_My life is changing on nearly a daily basis, I've come to realize that I must let go of all this, so that is the reason for this letter. I am giving you the proper goodbye that I need for myself in order to move on from these feelings of guilt. Just because we weren't close doesn't mean I don't miss you. There is an emptiness in my life that only my mother could fill, so know you will always have a place in my heart._


	71. Visit Gamlen - Gamlen’s Greatest Treasure

"Your uncle must be happy to have his hovel back to himself," Fenris said as they climbed the dusty clay stairs to Gamlen's home. "I still can not imagine what it was like having four of you living here."

"Now you know why I was always out getting into trouble," Hawke told the group. "As strange as it may sound, I preferred getting into fights with gangs instead of being here."

Sebastian brushed at his armor. "I for one am glad you no longer live in this part of Kirkwall," he said.

"And what is wrong with this part of Kirkwall?" Varric asked in a tone of exaggerated offense.

"He means I'm far too pretty to be roughing it down here with the likes of you," Hawke joked, lifting her nose in the air like the pompous nobles. Mocking Lady de Launcet's Orlesian accent, she continued. "Lowtown? Ugh! Zee Hanged Man? Filthy!"

Varric stopped at the top of the stairs and laughed. "Doesn't smell half as bad as this place," he said knocking on the wooden door.

* * *

_Dearest Father,_

_It's no secret that I have never truly accepted being in the same family as the likes of Gamlen. It was easy to hate him for what he did to Mother, for the way he spoke down about you. He was hardly welcoming when we first arrived in Kirkwall, and had always been disapproving of my actions and my belief that I could make things better for our family. Sure, it was thanks to him we were allowed into the city to begin with, but I suspect that contract for a year was more to resolve his debts than to gain us entrance._

_After Mother died, I admit I've avoided him. I know he blamed me for her death, having not done enough or not been more aware. I can understand that, because I felt the same. It was just easier not seeing him than being reminded of how much of a failure I was when looking into his eyes._

_But the more I was missing Carver, the more I realized I was missing much more: family. We used to be so full of life when we were all together, you and Mother, Carver and Bethany. Living in the estate alone reminds me more and more of how important that time was that we had together. And even though Gamlen is not the best example of what the Amell family was, he is still family, what little of it remains._

_So I decided it was time to check in on him, make sure he was doing alright. I've seen him around the city briefly, mostly when my tasks take me to the Blooming Rose, but in that situation the only conversation we could have would be awkward. Revisiting his home was difficult, remembering the year we had spent there, but I was surprised at what a positive outcome had come from the visit._

_We chatted briefly about what had been new in each others lives. Not much on his end, which was not surprising. But hearing him finally admit that you must have been a decent man to produce an amazing daughter made me smile. It was the first time I had heard him ever say anything positive about you Father, and it made me smile. Perhaps seeing how far I've come from my days with him had him seeing things in a different light. He told me Mother would be proud to see me Champion, and commended me for how good I have done for myself and this city. It was a nice visit, and I was glad I went to see him._

_Out of habit, I stopped at the writing desk on my way out, and came across a note mentioning something about the gem of Keroshek. I asked him about it, but he became very defensive and told me to mind my business. The caring, gentle, nice uncle I had come to visit turned quickly into the Gamlen I originally met. He told me that he had lost everything because of that gem, and didn't want to discuss it further._

_Knowing so little about Gamlen, I couldn't help my curiosity. If he wasn't going to follow up on this gem, of course I was. The note said to head to Darktown for further information, so that's where we went when we left. Sebastian wasn't too pleased to be following us to the lower part of Kirkwall, but he agreed to come if only to protect me._

_I'm thankful he did, because had I gone alone, things may have turned out very differently. Once I met with the mysterious sender of the note, we were attacked. They had assumed we were already in possession of the gem. For these men to kill over such an object only drove my curiosity further. We found another note on their leader's corpse that mentioned a wallop mallet my uncle had owned, and to go where the mallet was made._

_Having stared at that ugly thing on the wall for over a year, I knew exactly what it was made from. The same type of tree that grew in the Alienage, so that was our next stop. As we were discussing the mallet and I informed the group what I had known about it, an elf approached us with yet another note, stating he was told to give it to whoever approached the tree and mentioned the mallet. This time we were directed to Smetty's Fish Guttery._

_I learned Fenris hates fish, as the smell of the warehouse alone had him growling more than a hungry Mabari. His temper continued to grow at how we were being played with, to which I reminded him this was no different than the time he and I had met, being sent to check on a fake lyrium shipment when really we were just bait to draw out some slavers._

_But after being attacked in the warehouse, and finding one more note leading to the caverns at The Sink, I agreed with Fenris. This was becoming an annoying game that I wasn't interested in playing anymore. From the beginning of the ambushes and attacks, I knew that had Gamlen been the one to answer that first note, he'd be dead by now. So now I was determined to follow this game wherever it led, mostly just to assure my uncle's safety. These were dangerous people we were playing with._

_What happened at the caverns still has my head spinning. I would never have imagined my uncle the sort to be in love, or find the attention of any woman that didn't despise him, but how wrong I was. Not only did he once have a wife, but he had a daughter, my cousin Charade. She was the one responsible for all of this, wanting to see how far her father would go for the gem that had destroyed her family. She hadn't meant for all the attacks on us; apparently the mercenaries she hired to lure her father to her had more interest in the gem than the job they were given. Their leader attacked us in the caverns, and Charade assisted in our last confrontation with them. She's quite the archer! As we looted the bodies for odd items and coin, her and Sebastian were comparing bows. She fits in quite well with our little family._

_I convinced her to go speak with Gamlen. He had no interest in the gem, I assured her, and it was clear when he told me that it had ruined his life that he had some regrets. I doubted he was even aware he had a daughter, which made Charade feel a little better that he hadn't tried to find her these past few years. We returned to Kirkwall together, and then I gave them some time alone to get acquainted._

_When I returned to Gamlen's later that night, it seemed the two of them had a good talk. Charade and Gamlen have vowed to continue to get together and try to build a relationship as father and daughter. It's sad that her mother wasn't still alive to see this reunion, but hopefully Gamlen's place in Charade's life will help ease the pain of her mother's passing. Just when she thought she was alone, my cousin gained a father and two cousins. And we've gained her as well. Just when I thought my family was getting smaller and smaller, it's grown a little._

_I hope to keep in touch with her as well._


	72. The Last Holdouts

_Dearest Father,_

_Sometimes things never go according to plan. Sebastian and I met with Aveline and Varric at the Hanged Man to discuss our annual clearing up the streets at night of gangs and would-be thieves. But when we sat down at the corner table to begin preparations, the barmaid informed me that there was someone who wished to speak with me upstairs. Varric, being the Hanged Man resident, hadn't heard anything about this, which concerned us all. Cautiously we approached the room we were directed to, and upon entering, there were two Templars waiting for us._

_Immediately I was on the defensive. Had the Templars finally come for me? Sebastian must have felt me tense beside him; his gentle hand on my back calmed me enough to enter the room and face whatever was about to happen._

_Mettin and Agatha were their names, and no, they weren't there to haul me off to the Gallows. Quite the opposite in fact: they were seeking my aid. Apparently there was yet another group of blood mages within the city that were causing problems for the Templars, and turning to the citizens of Kirkwall for refuge. They thought it best to come to me with this rather than have the Templars start harassing everyone in the city._

_I wasn't going to help at first, but Aveline convinced me it was probably within my best interests to do so. Clearing out more blood mages within Kirkwall would appease Meredith, and hopefully prove to her once again that I am not a part of that world. If what Anders has been saying is true, and she is growing more paranoid, then this could only benefit my continued freedom within Kirkwall. Varric remained silent during the discussion, but Sebastian agreed with Aveline. So we followed Mettin's directions to an underground sewer below Darktown to see if we could find these mages._

_We found them, along with some mercenaries they had hired for protection. They attacked us on sight without a word, and unfortunately they all lost their lives at our hands. I despise this constant death that surrounds me, especially when it comes to fellow mages, but as Sebastian reminded me, it was their choice to turn to blood magic. Still, it's difficult._

_We searched the underground hideout for clues as to where the others may be hiding._

"I've found something," Sebastian said, holding up a note he had retrieved from one of the mages. The others joined him and he read the note aloud. "'We narrowly escaped Meredith's hounds. The city just isn't safe, Bancroft. We must get five out through the gates tonight and get to the caves. It's that, or risk capture and interrogation.' The letter is signed MS."

"I've never heard of Bancroft," Hawke said. "Sounds like they have taken shelter in some caves, but there are so many in the surrounding area of Kirkwall, it'd take forever to check them all. Look around for more clues."

The group continued searching, and Varric came upon another letter. "This one is also from that Bancroft. 'We can't trust the raiders promise of passage; the Templar's bounty on us is far too tempting. Press on every contact you have. We must leave Kirkwall before the knight-commander does something drastic. Each night, more of our brethren make it to the coast.' Sounds like they've already had a run-in with Meredith a time or two," Varric said. "He continues on to say that the other site they discussed is clear, and to be prepared to leave at a moments notice."

"They must have someone in the inside," Sebastian suggested. "How else would they know about the bounty? Or the movements of the Templars to avoid being captured?"

"I'm more concerned with how many have already escaped," Aveline stated. "Between the Templars and my guard, how has no one noticed several apostates leaving the city?"

"All just lingering outside Kirkwall," Varric said. "I don't know about you, but an army of blood mages gathering on the coast makes me nervous."

"I agree," Hawke said, uncovering another note. "And innocent people are getting caught in the middle. Listen to this: 'The hounds nabbed Franke the Cobbler tonight; no one knows where he is now. Thom Beshcal and his wife were killed three days back. They're no longer just hunting us; they're hunting our friends and family. To the Void with the consequences! We must strike back while we still can.' Signed with the initial A. We have to find them and put a stop to this."

"Let's head to the Gallows and find Mettin, show him these letters," Aveline suggested. "Maybe he has some more information for us."

_And he did. The next day I received a letter from Mettin, telling me that his men had found the location of the blood mage's hideout. The cave they had mentioned was on top of Sundermount, and Mettin said he and a few of his men would wait there for us to arrive. I gathered the others and we headed out to the home of the Dalish._

_I had hoped to arrive before the Templars, maybe give these mages a chance to explain themselves and their actions. I didn't want to believe that they had all turned to blood magic, but when we entered the cave and were attacked immediately, I feared there was little I could do to save any of them. As we went further into the cave, Agatha informed us that their reports mentioned some of the friends and family of these mages were also within the caves. This was going to make our fight harder, because I in no way wanted any innocents to be harmed in our fighting._

_Mettin however disagreed, saying that their families should also pay for helping the blood mages. I reminded him that his duty was toward mages and mages alone, and Aveline added that the guard would handle any who had assisted with the mages fleeing Kirkwall. Even Agatha tried to convince Mettin to stand down, but he was determined to slaughter everyone within the caves. Mettin turned on us when we refused to agree with him, and now we were killing Templars to protect the innocent._

_We found the rest of the blood mages and their families further in the cave. Once again the mages did not wish to talk; they attacked us the moment we found them. We had no choice but to kill the blood mages. More lives lost for no reason other than the desire for freedom._

_Agatha assured me that only her, Mettin, and his men at the caves knew they had come to me for help in this matter. She would report to Meredith that the Templars were killed by the blood mages, and keep my name out of the reports. Aveline agreed to do the same, and she escorted the families back to Kirkwall. Having just lost their loved ones, Aveline did not arrest any of them; they had suffered enough._

_More and more the mages of this city are turning to blood magic. I wonder now if Justice is the only reason Anders hasn't gone down that dark road. I also wonder what my breaking point would be; how long until blood magic seems like the only option to survive? What makes me stronger than all those that have already made their deals with demons?_

_I'd like to think it's because of the friends I surround myself with, knowing that if I ever did go down that dark path, they'd be there to save me before I went too far. I also know that doing so would disappoint you Father. No matter what life threw at you, the choice to turn to blood magic was never an option. I shall rely on your strength if I ever feel as if I have none._


	73. Kind of Want - Reining It In - Red Run Streets

"Things are heating up," came the scruffed voice in the darkness. "Now is not a good time to be a Templar."

Hawke continued walking, ignoring Samson and his ramblings for the third time that night. Varric, Sebastian, and Aveline accompanied her on their yearly endeavor to rid Kirkwall of gangs that plagued the streets, and the former Templar always had one comment or another as they passed by.

"Everyone always ignores Samson," he said, speaking about himself. "One day I'll be great again, you'll see."

Varric shook his head as they walked down the stairs to the docks. "That guy really needs a hobby," the dwarf muttered under his breath.

Hawke shrugged. "He has a point though. I grow more concerned for Carver in this brewing war with the mages. How far will Meredith push before they push back?"

"'They' also includes you," Aveline pointed out. "You and your brother may end up on opposite sides before this is over."

"We're already on opposite sides," Hawke said. "But he's still family. He'd never turn on me and I would never turn on him. I also refuse to choose a side since both sides are right and wrong."

"A noble attitude," Sebastian chimed in. "Unfortunately, as Champion, I suspect you will not have that luxury."

Hawke smiled up at the archer beside her. "I can always hope, can't I?"

* * *

_Dearest Father,_

_Another long night of clearing out gangs and thugs. It seems to only last a few months before a new group forms and decides tormenting the city would be a good idea. The groups we ran into tonight however were much different than our previous excursions._

_The Followers of She were out in full force around Lowtown, the first area we focused on. We found out quickly who "she" was; a desire demon named Hanker residing in a dark decrepit alley (why have I never considered that demons actually have names other than desire or rage or hunger? Unless it's just called Hanker so her followers aren't calling her Desire? I'm tired Father, forgive me). There were no clues as to what her overall goal was in enthralling these followers, and sadly they all fought to the death for her. I so wish just once these people would stop to talk instead of attack, but unfortunately that is never the case._

_The journey to the docks from Lowtown had us running into Samson. It was clear from his ramblings that his lyrium addiction hasn't subsided in the years since we first met him. Kind of sad, really, that he's strung out on the streets begging for coin to give to lyrium smugglers for "dwarf dust" as he calls it. How far this man must have fallen from his days as a Templar. At least he isn't involved with slavers anymore._

_But there were slave hunters at the docks, following the orders of a woman named Jess Varvel, known as "Leashmaster" to her people. When we found her in some run down alley, I was surprised to learn she was a mage and involved in this kind of activity. I'm not sure if she was one of the escaped mages from the Gallows, but knowing she was involved in slavery was enough for us to put an end to her and her operation._

_She wasn't the last mage we encountered this evening. Jakeson Hall, a blood mage, ran the Bloodragers gang that was preying on the elite of Hightown. He was working out of an empty home that was right behind mine! To think this man was living next to me this entire time while terrorizing the streets sickened me, and I have to admit it felt good clearing out Hightown of this corrupted mage and his thugs. One more blood mage dead by my hands._

_Sebastian reminded me of the first time I had begun this mission of cleaning up Kirkwall's streets. He wasn't joining us back then, but he saw me that night in Hightown so many years ago. It was the night he found out I was a mage after watching Anders and I go after the Guardsman Pretenders. Seems like such a long time ago, fighting with Carver and having fun with Anders. The second time we did this, Sebastian and I almost had our first kiss. The years certainly have changed things for all of us._

_We ended the night at the Hanged Man, sorting coin and random items found throughout the evening. That same mysterious woman found us and dropped a few sovereigns on the table. "Courtesy of Red Jenny," she had said before walking out of the tavern. Both Isabela and Varric had mentioned hearing the name before, but both had different accounts of who this Jenny was or what she looked like. Varric swears he heard about her from stories out of Orlais, but Isabela insists she was in Denerim at the same time. Whoever this woman is, she must appreciate the good deeds of others, and thanks to her the Chantry will get a few more coins with this evening's donation._


	74. King Alistair

_Dearest Father,_

_So I met with the King of Ferelden today. Odd thing to write about in my daily letters to you, as if it’s some normal occurrence for me. I know Aveline had wanted to meet him, and of course I brought Sebastian. They both disagreed with my choice to bring Anders along as well. But I know Anders had spoken fondly of Alistair in the past; I had hoped bringing him along would remind him of a different time in his life, one without Justice._

_When we entered the Keep, Meredith was there, berating King Alistair as if he were some child. Honestly Father, the way she spoke down to him disgusted me. He deserves more respect, better treatment than what Meredith showed him. Sadly we do not have a viscount to do the politically correct thing, and I suppose Meredith feels she is untouchable in her position here in Kirkwall that she can afford the luxury of rudeness._

_Thankfully her stay was brief, and once she left, Aveline showed Alistair the proper respect he deserved. They spoke of Ostagar, of the tragedy that had occurred there. I had heard her speak about it once with Carver, but it’s not something she opens up about freely. It was nice to see the two of them in their comradery about the battle, and see them share a moment of loss for all those that perished. Alistair made an offhanded comment about his disappointment that Teryn Loghain still lived, but the matter was dropped quickly after that._

_My hope for Anders was fulfilled as well; he and Alistair shared a laugh over being former Grey Wardens. Unheard of for anyone to leave the Order, and here I stood with two men who had done so successfully. A shame really though that Alistair had done something better with his freedom, and Anders continues to be troubled. It was nice to see him smile again though, it’s been a long time since I’ve seen that._

_Alistair informed us that things were getting worse with the tension between Ferelden and Orlais. He is currently in the middle of peace talks with Empress Celene, but there are rumors every day of assassins trying to take her out of play. It seems there are some in Orlais who wish to reclaim Ferelden as theirs once more. I doubt Alistair is going to let that happen though. Even with Ferelden still recovering from the Blight, he is a good ruler. And if you believe in miracles, the fact that Loghain still lives can only be beneficial in a war against Orlais, should one occur._

_It does make me realize how easy it is to forget that there is a bigger part of this world other than Kirkwall. We’ve been so caught up in our own problems that I had no idea trouble was brewing elsewhere. I wonder now how Orlais or Ferelden would support Sebastian in reclaiming Starkhaven; could we one day be at war with my old home?_

_Alistair asked me about that as well, if I had considered Ferelden home anymore. I had to be honest with him, that no, I didn’t. Kirkwall is my home, perhaps Starkhaven my future home. Ferelden will always be in my heart, but to return there without my family and friends? That’s not a home, that’s a memory best saved for nostalgic nights and fine wine._

_It seems the news of trouble involving Kirkwall had reached as far as Ferelden, which was the reason behind Alistair’s visit. The fight with Meredith he had was about mages, and how he had allowed several of them to flee to Ferelden. Though he claims to have no control over the Circle in Ferelden, he states that the apostates he’s dealt with have a much easier go at things than here in the city. I am not one to understand politics at all Father, and so I asked him why, as King, he couldn’t just kick the templars out of the Circle and help the mages within? Again, politics. The Chantry’s involvement doesn’t make that easy for any ruler._

_Which makes me wonder if Sebastian’s plan to have free mages in Starkhaven will even work? Or will he bow to the Chantry laws on such matters for the sake of peace? And if so, what would become of me? A discussion for a later time I suppose._

_Alistair asked that I continue to do what I can for Kirkwall, protect it from falling under Meredith’s rule. He doesn’t trust her, and believes if there is to be war, it will come because of her. She is the biggest threat to the city right now, and as he is not a ruler of the Free Marches, there is little he can do. There is no viscount to appeal to, and Meredith being Knight-Commander rules out Chantry support. But he had heard enough about me to seek me out personally and ask for my continued assistance._

_Varric told me later that he believes Isabela may have been the one to go to Alistair asking for support for Kirkwall. They did know each other briefly during the Blight, it’s entirely possible. I like to believe that’s true, though I’d much prefer she return to us instead. One of many regrets I think about every day. Maker knows I could use her friendship right about now._

_Against Sebastian’s wishes, I ended the night at the clinic with Anders, wanting to talk with him about Alistair, how they met, anything to try and bring back the Anders I used to know. He seemed more focused on the fact that even Ferelden knows Meredith is bad news, and something must be done to stop her. I’m at a loss with him Father, I really am. He’s become so angry, so determined in his cause of saving the mages, that I don’t think my old friend is there anymore. I left feeling more frustrated than I had been. I am afraid for him Father, I really am._


	75. A Small Problem / Haunted

_Dearest Father,_

_Varric came to see me this morning. Normally when he visits, it's about someone who needs something here or there. But I knew from the moment he walked into the estate that this was something more. This was personal._

_He informed me that the place where we had found his brother was sold to some minor noble from Rivain. This noble claimed the house was haunted, and also claimed Varric was aware of this when the title was exchanged. He was concerned this noble may come after him for a fraudulent sale, or worse, send the Crows after him for revenge. Varric wasn't aware of anything out of the ordinary going on in the home, but he also admitted to me that he hadn't been back there since we found Bartrand. I don't blame him; seeing Carver in that kind of mental state would have been difficult for me as well, and I couldn't imagine returning to a place that held such a memory._

_So Varric asked if I would go to the house with him to investigate. "You're a mage, you know something about weird shit," he had said. I could see he was apprehensive about returning, so weird shit or not, of course I was going to help him. Sebastian and Fenris were easy choices to bring along since they were both in Hightown and close to Bartrand's old home._

_Walking into the home, at first we didn't see anything strange or out of the ordinary. I let my guard down a little as we moved through the first room; seemed like your typical abandoned house with the musty smell and dust. But when we entered the den, that's when things got a little weird._

"Did that bottle just fall over by itself?" Hawke asked the group after hearing the object clank against the shelf it was laying on.

Varric shrugged. "Could be the wind?" he offered. "What I'd like to know is where that music is coming from."

"What music?" Sebastian asked.

"I don't hear any music," Hawke said. "But Varric, if this place is abandoned, who lit the fire in the fireplace?"

A door slammed shut behind them, and all four jumped. Hawke moved closer to Sebastian, eyes wide as she surveyed the room. "I'm starting to not like this," she whispered to him.

"Something in this house is restless," Fenris stated after another door creaked open. They moved into the left hallway and found a vase floating midair in the center of the alcove. "There is magic at work here."

"This isn't magic," Hawke whispered, trying to ignore the footsteps she heard above them. A cold chill ran through her body, and she grabbed hold of Sebastian's arm to steady herself from the fear that threatened to consume her.

Sebastian took her hand in his, offering a gentle squeeze as he silently prayed to the Maker to watch over them. They continued on through the home, and the further in they went, the more weird things became. The library was astrewn with books all over the floor. A chair lifted off the ground and attached itself to the ceiling. The portraits of people on the wall seemed to follow their every move. Torches were lit, doors opened and shut on their own, as if something in the home were leading them in whatever direction it chose for them.

"Where is that voice coming from?" Varric wondered aloud. "I can barely hear it, can't make out the words…"

Hawke looked up at Sebastian with concern. His gaze was on Varric, studying the dwarf and his odd behavior. No one else had heard any voice or song except for him.

"The disturbances are getting stronger," Fenris said as he felt the air become heavier on his lungs.

"We're getting close," Varric said.

"Close to what?" Hawke asked, uncertain if she truly wanted to know the answer.

They ended up in the last room at the end of the hall, and for a brief moment all disturbances seemed to stop. "This is Bartrand's junk," Varric informed them, looking around the room at the scattered boxes and pictures. "I can't believe he saved all of this, and that it's still here."

"Anything important?" Hawke asked, thankful to feel a bit of calm once again. She released her hold on Sebastian and began going through the boxes with Varric.

"Momentos mostly," Varric replied. "Stuff from Orzammar and the estate there. You wouldn't know it, but Bartrand was a sentimentalist."

"He missed home," Hawke said, knowing the feeling.

Varric nodded. "Yeah. If my brother could do it all again, I don't think he'd ever come to the surface. Being from Orzammar meant something to him, and he hung on to all this junk as a way to remember it I suppose."

"Has there been any change?" Hawke asked.

"To Bartrand? No," Varric told her. "He's still in the sanitarium, still insisting that he needs to hear the song again, whatever that is. I get reports every week on the progress he isn't making. Sometimes I wonder if we should've just put him out of his misery."

"I'm sorry Varric," Hawke said. "I know this hasn't been easy for you."

Varric shrugged. "When has anything ever been easy? Come on, let's keep moving. I'd like to find out what's going on here and then get out as quickly as possible."

_We continued going through the home. Doors that were previously locked were now open, rooms we had already checked had their doors slammed shut as we walked past. At one point we even saw an apparition of a woman being chased by a man. We walked through the library again and the books put themselves back on the shelves. These are the things you hear in stories Father, the ones people tell around campfires to try and frighten friends. Only we were witnessing it, it was real._

_At one point I had considered that maybe it was just someone playing harmless pranks on us to get us to leave. Someone, or a group of people, who took refuge in the home and wished to remain, so they tricked anyone that came into thinking the place was haunted. Looking back, at first it was all creepy noises and objects moving, but it was all harmless._

_Until a vase came flying through the air and nearly hit us._

_We started to run, trying to find out way out, but whatever was in the home wasn't going to allow us to leave. All the doors were locked now except for one, which led to grand room where we had previously fought Bartrand. Books, buckets, vases were in midair circling above us. A loud moan came from upstairs, and although all we wanted to do was leave, we knew whatever it was had to be dealt with. Varric insisted that it must be the idol, that had to be in the home and was somehow causing this chaos. So we began to look for it._

_While searching the bedrooms upstairs, we found a woman hiding in the master bedroom. Varric confronted her about what she was doing there, insisting that she must have the idol and was causing this chaos. I had never seen Varric like that before; he was so angry, nearly assaulted the poor woman, when it was clear she was just as frightened as we were. She kept telling us we had to get out before it came back, whatever it was, but Varric ignored her pleas and repeatedly asked her where the idol was. I began to suspect that Varric was correct; the idol was still in the house, and whatever effect it had on Bartrand, it was starting to effect Varric too._

_The house began to shake and the woman screamed, saying that it was starting again. She ran past us and we followed, only to watch her fall to her death from top of the stairs to the grand room below. That's also where we saw a very large, red, ethereal golem. It attacked us immediately, and we had to fight it along with several shades it had summoned. The more damage we did to the golem, the brighter a red glow radiated from it, and when we finally managed to destroy it, all that remained was a piece of the red idol we had found in the Deep Roads._

_Varric thought we could do some great things with the shard we found, but I just wanted it gone. I told him about how he had been acting very strangely since we arrived at the house, and my suspicions about it being because of the idol. He looked at the shard in his hand, and begged me to let him keep it. Not in a crazy confrontational way like he was with that poor woman, but in a sincere, back to his old self way. When he explained to me that this shard could possibly lead to a cure for Bartrand, a way to set things right again, I had a hard time arguing with him._

_Could it cure Bartrand? Or would it consume Varric as it had his brother? Again my thoughts went to Carver; if something like this had happened to him, an illness caused by an object, the first logical step would be to study that object if one wanted to find a cure. If anyone had the connections to do such a thing, it would be Varric. The dwarves handle lyrium on a daily basis; they could study it, and perhaps save Bartrand. I asked Varric if he was still hearing a song or whispers, and he said no. It's possible the ethereal energy from the golem was amplifying the power of the shard, and once destroyed, the shard returned to some dormant state._

_So I let Varric keep the piece of idol, only if he promised to do whatever was necessary to protect himself from its side-effects. Fenris growled his disapproval but said nothing further. Sebastian, however, had plenty to say on the walk home._

"You're not telling your father of our argument, are you?" Sebastian asked, looking over Hawke's shoulder as she sat at her desk in the Amell Estate, writing to Malcolm.

Hawke laughed. "It wasn't an argument, it was a slight disagreement. And besides, what does it matter if I do tell him? It's not like he'll scold you or anything."

"I don't know," Sebastian admitted. "I suppose I would hope to have earned the respect of your father since you admire him so. Maker knows I never had that with my own."

Hawke turned in her chair to look up at him. "Your father would be proud of the man you have become Sebastian," she assured him. "And I know my father would have loved and respected you."

Sebastian smiled and leaned down to kiss her forehead. "Thank you. Though I know my actions of the past have not always been the wisest of decisions, I hope to continue to toward a better path they both can be proud of."

"You will," Hawke assured him.

"With you by my side, I've no doubt of that," he told her. "Are you almost ready to turn in for the night?"

"I am," she said. She added one last line to her letter before she stood, folded the parchment, and placed it in the fireplace. Sebastian remained with her as they watched it burn, a moment he knew he was privileged to witness as it was a private ritual she usually kept to herself. Once the parchment was nothing but ash dancing in the flames, she turned to him once more. "Are you sure you're comfortable staying here tonight? You don't have to, you know."

"It is not a matter of being uncomfortable Marian," he told her. "Merely a challenge, one I will endure willingly to ensure you feel safe."

"A challenge?" she raised a brow. "To spend the night sleeping on the couch in my bedroom?"

Sebastian smiled. "A test of wills, to be alone with you and not give in to every temptation my body wishes to."

Hawke felt her cheeks burn. "Know that it is appreciated, and that you are not alone in your test of wills," she admitted. "But after spending the night in a creepy haunted mansion, the thought of being alone in my bedroom is enough to ensure nightmares."

"It is no trouble," Sebastian assured her. He brushed her lips with his, a soft chaste kiss, then gestured toward the stairs. "Get yourself settled, and I'll be up in a moment."

He watched as she ascended the staircase, then turned toward the glowing fire. "I will not take advantage of your daughter, Messere Hawke," he whispered. "I shall respect her, you, and this home, you have my word." The flames crackled as if in response, and Sebastian took it as a sign that he did indeed have Malcolm's approval to watch over and protect his daughter.

Even so, after she called to him that it was safe to come up, every step to her bedroom was difficult. More times than he cared to admit, Sebastian had imagined a moment like this; walking up the stairs to her bedroom, seeing her laying in bed, waiting for him, and he'd finally be able to show her just how much she meant to him. But tonight was not the night for such fantasies to play out. He was there only to protect her and have her feel safe.

Soon, he vowed to himself. Soon.


	76. A New Path

_  
Dearest Father,_

_I am ashamed to admit that it's been a long time since I spoke with Merrill. The last time I saw her was when we had gone to the Alienage to track down Huon, which ended in a display that, to me at least, proved the dangers of blood magic. Merrill still wasn't convinced after that night, and perhaps on purpose I had avoided her since. Maybe if I hadn't, well, maybe today would have gone differently._

_She didn't seem to mind, or even notice the time apart we'd had, when I arrived at her home this morning. She was lost in her own thoughts, puttering about with no real purpose, and I had to literally stop her from pacing to explain to me what was going on. She admitted she was having difficulty speaking with me, because there was a favor she wanted to ask, and feared my reaction._

_Merrill explained to me then that her eluvian still wasn't working. She could feel power from the mirror, but had failed in several attempts to access it. Even with the artifact I had given her, it wasn't working. She wanted to return to Sundermount, speak to the spirit who had set her on this path. She claimed that only he knew how to cleanse the mirror of its corruption since he witnessed the forging of the eluvian._

_The favor she needed? Me to strike her down should this spirit possess her._

_There had to be another way, I told her. Begged her to do more research, find others who may know of these mirrors and how they work. But she insisted this was the only spirit that would help her, the only one that could make things right for her people and their history. I even suggested going to the Keeper, but Merrill immediately dismissed that idea, saying that the clan had moved on by now._

_I had other plans. And I was not going to face this spirit, this demon, without backup. While Sebastian didn't approve of me going to Sundermount, he came, if only to ensure my safety. Being that Varric was so close with Merrill, it seemed wise to bring him as well. I thought maybe they could help me talk her out of this nonsense on the way._

_When we arrived at Sundermount, Merrill was visibly upset that her clan still remained. She immediately began arguing with Keeper Marethari, telling her that she should have moved the clan three years ago. Marethari stood her ground as Keeper, informing Merrill that she would stay as long as it took for her to conclude her business, whatever that was._

_I didn't hold back my concern for Merrill, and I asked the Keeper if she knew of any way to prevent the Dalish from being possessed by a demon. Merrill wasn't thrilled with my choice of words, but I didn't go all the way to Sundermount to be forced into killing one of my friends. Marethari said there was no way save death; anyone possessed would have a scarred soul and would never recover. When I explained to the Keeper that Merrill insisted on contacting this demon, she released a long sigh, and told us she has gone beyond her own strength in trying to avoid this very day. Merrill brushed off Marethari's concern and we began the journey up the mountain to where the demon was held._

_Sebastian did his best to try and talk Merrill out of it, Varric too, but she wouldn't listen to them any more than she'd listen to her own Keeper. She said she had to finish this, for her people, their history. I don't understand Father, I never understood. I suppose I never will, not being Dalish, but to turn to a demon for help in reclaiming a past that even her own clan doesn't seem to care about? Why?_

_On the way to the cave that housed the demon, Merrill stopped at the altar where we had brought Flemeth's amulet all those years ago. Merrill explained that the altar was where one would go to pray to Mythal, a goddess of protection, the mother of their Creators. She prayed for our safety on this dark path, and I noticed Sebastian closed his eyes as she spoke. I'm sure he wasn't praying to Mythal, but took the moment to pray to our Maker._

_The closer we came to the cave, the more nervous everyone became. Varric voiced his concern again, saying he had a feeling things were going to end badly. I think we all had that feeling, and yet Merrill continued forward. It wasn't until we entered the cave and approached the idol that housed the demon, that we learned just how grave the situation was._

_Marethari had somehow reached the cave before us. She explained that the demon had always been using Merrill as a way to escape his prison; the eluvian was his way into the mortal world from the Fade. The only way Marethari felt she could prevent this demon from possessing Merrill was to fight it on her own. She tried and failed within the Fade, and so she bound the demon to herself, and told us it was now our duty to end her life, thus killing the demon forever._

_Merrill argued with Marethari. I don't think she realized the gravity of the situation, and chose harsh words for the Keeper. But Marethari, full of pause and grace as I'd always known her to have, told Merrill that her blood magic had a price, and she chose to pay it for her. How Merrill didn't see what this woman had done for her filled me with such rage Father. Unfortunately there wasn't time to continue speaking with her, as the demon within Marethari attacked us._

_I don't know what I was thinking, not bringing a warrior for this fight. I suppose I had hoped to talk Merrill out of this, and really who would I bring? Carver's off with the templars, Aveline is busy with the guard, and there's absolutely no way I was going to ask Fenris to come along. He feels uneasy among the Dalish as it is. But to help Merrill talk to a demon? He'd probably first laugh in my face, then growl, and then forbid me to go! So there we were, two mages and two archers, fighting for our lives against an angry spirit that had been trapped since the battle between the Tevinter Imperium and Elvhenan._

_During the battle, the demon summoned spirits of the elves whose bodies we found a few years ago in the caverns below. Pol, Tamlen, Chandan, Radha, Harsal; those whose names Merrill had carved into the mirror's frame were now ethereal ghosts assisting the demon in the fight. They had some harsh words for Merrill, about how she had destroyed their lives and the clan. I don't think it was really them, I think it was just the demons way to try to make us falter._

_If ever I wanted an opportunity to work on my healing skills, this fight was it. Merrill had her rock armor, and Sebastian his usual white shining armor, but Varric and I were quite vulnerable to attack. If I'm being honest Father, I think we barely survived the battle. Once the ghosts were gone and the demon apparently vanquished, all that remained was us and Marethari._

_One last trick of the demon; he tried to convince us that he was gone, and Marethari had survived. But she had just finished telling us that she had to die in order for the demon to as well, and so Merrill gathered what little strength she had left, and plunged her knife into Marethari's heart._

_It was a sad moment for all of us, but Merrill especially. She just couldn't understand why Marethari did what she had done. Love, I told her. Marethari had a mother's love when it came to all members of her clan, and Merrill especially. She preferred to give her life in exchange for Merrill's freedom from demon possession. I hope this was enough to show her that blood magic is not the path to take. She needs a new path, one to honor those that have been lost because of her actions._

_As foolish as it may be, my faith that she'll make the right decision this time is what led me to assure the Dalish clan that I would take responsibility for Merrill. The death of their Keeper hit them hard, and I could tell some were out for revenge. Assuring them that Merrill would never return, and that I'd make certain she would not bring harm to anyonen again, was the only way they let us walk away from Sundermount with our lives. This time Merrill didn't get a chance to say goodbye to any of them; she was banished from the clan forever. Her Keeper was gone, and her family turned their backs on her forever._

_We are all she has left. Will we be enough to save her from self-destruction? I don't know Father, I hope so. We can only do so much; she needs to want to change for herself._


	77. A Murder of Crows

_Dearest Father,_

_I received a letter this morning from some Antivan noble asking to meet with me outside the Blooming Rose. He needed my assistance with something, though the letter didn't initially state what it was. Varric came by shortly after to discuss the latest rumors around Kirkwall, so I convinced him to go to the meeting with me. I suppose he knows me all too well when he headed toward the Chantry first to get Sebastian. I guess it's true; I rarely go anywhere these days without him._

_Nuncio Caldera Lanos was quite full of himself as we were speaking. The way he stood, looking down at us even though asking for a favor, it did not go unnoticed by myself or Varric. Apparently my relationship with the Dalish is well known around Kirkwall, and he needed my connections to find an elven assassin who he believed was hiding among their clan at Sundermount. I guess this Nuncio wasn't aware that we were just involved in the death of the Dalish Keeper Marethari, and the thought of returning to Sundermount so soon after for yet another confrontation was not something I wanted to do._

_It was Varric who convinced me that we should. It's all in the approach he said; tell them we heard about the assassin, and after all their recent troubles, we wanted to make sure they were alright. That wasn't far from the truth, I have been thinking of them often, but I didn't feel comfortable lying to them about why we were there. Sebastian, surprisingly, agreed with Varric. I wouldn't exactly be lying, he said, I could check on their welfare and do this job for Nuncio at the same time._

_I took this opportunity to invite Anders. He has been spending all of his time isolated from the rest of us in his clinic, and I thought a trip to Sundermount would be good for him. I was also concerned about facing an assassin, and wanted his assistance in healing. I hadn't seen him since my visit with King Alistair, and I do worry about him. So I was overjoyed when he agreed to come with us._

_The welcome we received when we arrived at the Dalish camp wasn't as harsh as I had anticipated. I was introduced to Keeper Vinell, who took over for Marethari. She was a little apprehensive at first; it was clear she was not used to speaking with those that weren't Dalish, and she admitted as much. She told us about several traders and mercenaries that had come to their camp recently, as well as some Chantry folk that were either trying to convert them or threaten them. Sebastian and Varric both promised to look into this for me when we returned to Kirkwall. These people have been through enough; and without the wisdom of Marethari to see them through, I wanted to help in any way I could._

_I spoke briefly with Hahren Paivel, who was the only one to ask about Merrill. He warned me of the heavy burden I have taken on with my promise to watch over her, which I expected. Others didn't have such kind words to say, especially Tareth. He blamed me as much as Merrill for Marethari's death, and no matter how hard I tried to apologize, he didn't want to hear it._

_Variel was kind enough to interrupt Tareth's verbal assault on us. While she too was upset about Marethari, as I expected the entire clan to be, she only blamed Merrill. Since she was the most comfortable with us, I brought up the assassin, and asked her if he had ventured into their camp. She admitted he had been through, and was hold up in a cave we had visited once before. When I asked if he had brought harm to any of the clan, she insisted he hadn't, and even asked for them to reveal his location should any inquiries about him be made. Interesting tactic from a wanted assassin. When she wished us luck in getting to him, I heard Tareth snickering behind her. I'm sure he was hoping we didn't survive the encounter._

_I really did not miss the giant wasp spiders and webs of the Sundermount caves. What I did miss was Fenris and Aveline; Maker knows why I decided not to bring one of them along to handle the brunt of the fighting we endured. The assassin was smart to hide there with all of nature's creatures protecting him. In between the spiders were traps, presumably set up by him, and I wondered just how he managed to do that without the spiders attacking him. He must be very skilled indeed._

_When we reached the center of the cave, we came face to face with another varterral. I tried to ignore the images of Pol when we were last here, how he ran from Merrill straight into the varterral's hunting ground and was later killed by it. This fight wasn't as difficult as the last time since we were all ranged fighters and could stay far out of its reach. The longer we fought, however, the more certain I was that this was in fact the very same creature we had left for dead._

"Uh, Hawke?" Varric looked at her curiously. "You can stop throwing fireballs at it, I think it's dead."

Hawke blasted another fireball at the varterral. "That's what we said last time. But oh look, there it was. Alive and everything"

Varric didn't disagree, as he hadn't stopped pointing Bianca toward the giant five legged creature. "I'm with you Hawke, but the smell of that thing burning is making my eyes water."

"Perhaps it's a different one Hawke," Sebastian offered. "A mate maybe?"

"Maybe," Hawke said, keeping her staff in front of her. "But it sure does look like the last one, and I don't want to take any chances."

An accented voice from the shadows startled the group, and they all turned to face the man who was speaking. "It is said that if charged to guard something, a varterral will stay alive no matter how many times it is struck down. Though I believe you've done an efficient job this time, it may be best to step over here for now."

"Who are you?" Hawke asked as the others closed in around her. "Show yourself."

An elven man walked into the dim light of the cavern, and Hawke took in his unique look. His left cheek was tattooed with three curved lines, and he had blond hair held back by intricate braids on each side which accented his bronzed skin beautifully. Hawke hadn't seen any elves at Sundermount or within Kirkwall who had such a way about them. And when he spoke, it was as if each word was inflected with a hint of seduction.

"My name is Zevran Arainai," the elf said with a bow. "Adventurer and occasional assassin."

"I've heard about you," Anders spoke for the first time since entering the cave. "You helped the Hero of Ferelden stop the Blight."

"Indeed I did," Zevran replied. "And I must admit, I was not expecting you. An assault by the Crows perhaps, but not the the mighty Champion of Kirkwall herself."

Hawke was surprised. "How do you know who I am?"

Zevran laughed. "Slayer of Qunari, Deep Roads explorer, and a beauty to make the gods jealous? You underestimate your fame my dear. Oh, and that big statue at the docks in Kirkwall helped a little."

"Maker, I hate that thing," Hawke muttered.

"A beauty such as yours deserves to be carved in stone," Zevran told her. "Surely your companions can agree."

Sebastian moved closer to Hawke. "Yes, we can."

_That was the first time I witnessed Sebastian having a jealous side. Varric told me once that Sebastian was envious of Cullen, Anders, even Fenris, but I didn't believe any of it until now. The more Zevran flirted, the closer Sebastian moved toward me. It was quite endearing._

_Zevran went on to tell us about these Crows; a group of assassins usually hired by wealthy families to remove their enemies. Zevran had left the Crows, after killing several of them including their Guildmaster, which was the real reason Nuncio was searching for him. I didn't appreciate being lied to by Nuncio, and assured Zevran that I would have no part in turning him in. I was, however, determined to confront Nuncio. Zevran warned us to be careful, as Nuncio probably wanted us dead whether we succeeded in his request or not._

_As predicted, Nuncio was less than thrilled at my decision to release Zevran. A few threats were made, Zevran showed up to assist, and quickly Nuncio and his men had fallen. A shame, really, that Nuncio was so determined to fight us instead of walk away, but if I've learned anything over the years, it's that sometimes pride is more powerful than reason or common sense. We searched the men and their camp for coin, which we split with Zevran, and then said our goodbyes._

"A question, if I may?" Zevran asked before leaving. "I have heard rumors you count among your friends a feisty pirated rogue named Isabela. If you could get a message to her…"

"I'm afraid your rumors are outdated," Varric interrupted. "Rivaini is long gone."

Zevran noticed the look of sadness in Hawke's eyes, and didn't press further. "Ah, I see. Well then, fight well my friends," he said. "It has been a pleasure. Perhaps we will meet again."

They watched the former Crow as he disappeared over one of the small hills along the coast, and then headed in the opposite direction toward Kirkwall. Sebastian walked with Hawke behind Varric and Anders, and took her hand in his, giving it a gentle squeeze. "Are you alright?" he asked, the tone of his voice filled with concern.

Hawke shrugged and gave him a weak smile. "I'm fine," she replied, though the unshed tears in her eyes told a different story. "I just miss her sometimes is all."

Sebastian tried his best to remain supportive, but he had seen that look in her eyes before. When her hand glided along the stairwell railing in her home and she felt the carving left in the wood by Isabela, that same sad expression would appear. He was by her side when Isabela left; betraying her friends and the good of Kirkwall for her own selfish need. It was difficult to find a kind word about the woman when all he remembered was the pain Hawke had endured that day.

"You're going to break it if you keep that up," Hawke said as she held up their joined hands.

Sebastian immediately released the firm grip caused by his anger. "I'm sorry Hawke, I didn't mean…"

"It's fine," she interrupted, flexing her fingers. "See? No damage done. And I know, you don't feel I should miss her because of what she did, but I can't help it sometimes. She was a good friend, at least for a time, and I never imagined she'd abandon me like that."

"A good friend never would," Sebastian reminded her. "You nearly died that day, which could have been avoided had she remained."

"True," Hawke agreed. "There is a part of me that will never forgive her. In the end, her promises and friendship were all lies. But that doesn't mean I can't miss her once in a while. And besides, that day wasn't  _all_ bad."

Sebastian smiled as he remembered their first kiss before her battle with the Arishok. "No, there was one shining moment through it all, and I will treasure that memory forever."

Hawke couldn't help but grin as she thought of that moment as well. "One of many firsts I look forward to having with you," she whispered so Varric and Anders couldn't hear her.

The color in his cheeks was enough for Hawke to know that Sebastian knew exactly what she was talking about, and all thoughts of Isabela faded from her mind as she thought on her future with the man by her side.


	78. Favor and Fault

_Champion Marian Hawke,_

_As a courtesy for your past service, be aware that I have received complaints about your frequent companion, Guard-Captain Aveline. She is accused of coddling her men and weakening law enforcement in this crucial time. In the absence of a viscount, I am called to vacate her position and assume her authority, but I would rather not have that headache._

_Please, speak with her about these claims. As Champion, your word can decide this matter, and save the career of a good woman._

_-Knight-Captain Cullen_

**.~*~.**

_And that's how my day started Father, a friend of mine in trouble and another asking me to look into it. How I hate being put in the middle of these situations, but I understand why Cullen would bring this to my attention first before taking action. If he hadn't, he's well aware of what my reaction would have been._

_I went to the barracks to advise Aveline what was happening and show her the letter. When I first arrived, there was already a templar in her office telling her that the guard were suffering without leadership. After he left, she told me that he wasn't the first templar to harass her about caving to the leadership of Meredith. Thankfully that was the opening I needed to show her Cullen's letter._

_As I expected, she didn't take it well. To say that Aveline coddled her men was a direct insult to everything she had built over the years, and she was not going to take these rumors lying down. She asked that I be witness to just what those in her command deal with on a nightly basis. She had nothing to prove to me, and I told her as much, but she insisted we go to the docks at night to observe her husband Donnic's patrol. If she were coddling anyone, it would be him, and so I agreed._

_When we arrived, we witnessed Donnic and a fellow guard under heavy attack by at least fifteen members of the Coterie. Varric and Sebastian immediately joined in the fight, as did Aveline. I stayed out of the way and offered healing when necessary, and with our assistance the battle was over quickly and efficiently. Donnic informed us that this was no worse than any other night; the Coterie and street gangs were always out in full force these days, and the guard was doing their best at keeping the streets safe. I had no reason to doubt him._

_Having witnessed her men in action first hand, Aveline requested that we go to the Gallows immediately and speak with Cullen. Even though the hour was late and the Gallows were usually shut down at night, I agreed to make the attempt, only because I knew she'd stew in her anger all night if we didn't try. The night watch allowed us entrance, and Cullen met with us in the courtyard._

"Greetings Champion," Cullen greeted them warmly. "I hope my letter found you well. I see you're with the Captain. None too happy about the accusations against her, I'm sure. I was hoping you'd address them."

Aveline groaned behind Hawke. "You could say that," she commented through gritted teeth.

"I have," Hawke answered. "We've just come from two of her men being attacked by over a dozen Coterie. I hardly think that's evidence to support these claims against her, considering one of the men was her very own husband."

"As I suspected," Cullen said.

"Then why press this?" Aveline asked. "I've a templar in my office daily telling me to bow down to Meredith's rule, and now this?"

Cullen sighed. "Some feel that the solution to the current crisis of leadership is to consolidate authority. And as long as these complaints against you continue, baseless or not, they will serve as justification for eliminating the position of guard-captain and leaving the rule of the guard to Meredith. It would be the simplest fix, whether or not I agree."

"Clearly you don't agree, or you wouldn't have reached out to me," Hawke stated. "So tell me Cullen, who is behind these accusations?"

"I have no real answers for you," Cullen admitted. "Though I can tell you all of the complaints have come from Lowtown. Perhaps the guard who patrol that area have more information than I do. At least I hope so. I'd like to see this put to rest as much as you do."

"That would be Brennan's route," Aveline said. "We'll go have a word with her and look into this matter further. I will not rest until my name is clear, and I'll be damned if I'll have my guard answering to Meredith."

"I hope you get to the bottom of this," Cullen said sincerely. "For my part, I apologize for making assumptions on this incident."

"Oh, it's not done yet," Aveline insisted. "To Lowtown Hawke, I need to speak with Brennan."

"A word before you leave, Champion?" Cullen asked.

Hawke nodded. "Of course." She turned toward Aveline and the others. "Head to the boat, I'll be right there."

Sebastian eyed Cullen with an arched brow before leaving Hawke's side, Varric and Aveline following behind him. Hawke couldn't help but smile; seeing this jealous side of Sebastian was something to get used to, though she didn't mind. She faced Cullen when her companions were out of earshot. "What's on your mind?"

"I've heard rumors you recently destroyed a demon who possessed the Dalish Keeper," Cullen said. "Meredith is concerned since Sundermount is just outside Kirkwall. Do you believe the rest of the Dalish to be a danger to such possession?"

"No," Hawke told him. "What happened with Marethari was outside the norm for the clan. They are no danger to themselves nor Kirkwall."

"Glad to hear it," Cullen said. "Still, perhaps they will be less free with magic now."

Hawke frowned. "They are far less free with their magic than I, am I a threat to Kirkwall as well?"

"Of course not," Cullen said. "Though I will caution you, Meredith has taken on a lot of responsibility now that Kirkwall has no viscount. I fear the strain of her position, but I hope the Order can continue to count on your support. It may keep her off your back so to speak."

"I'm doing what I can, Cullen," Hawke said.

"I know you are," Cullen replied. "But I'm afraid my opinion means very little these days. Just… promise me you'll be careful."

"I will," she told him with a smile. "Please give Carver my love. I better go before Aveline throws your man overboard and goes back to Lowtown without me."

Cullen laughed. "Take care of yourself Hawke. May the Maker watch over you."

_We found Brennan in Lowtown easy enough since Aveline had the patrol schedule memorized. Aveline was quick to start the interrogation, asking Brennan why she had to learn from a templar about the unrest within the city. Brennan hesitated at first, clearly nervous about telling Aveline something, but with a little prodding she finally informed us that Jeven, the former Captain whom Aveline replaced, was back in the city. When his attempts to turn the guard against her failed, he joined with the local militia and a few anti-Feraldan supporters for his smear campaign against Aveline. A rally was taking place in Darktown to gather more support, and so off we went to shut it down._

_Getting there wasn't easy, however. A few thugs and militia attempted to block us from reaching Jeven along the way. Anders heard the commotion from his clinic and assisted us in clearing a path to the former Captain and his men. Once we arrived, a few that had gathered fled immediately; I suppose having the Champion and the Guard Captain show up was more than they had bargained for. Unfortunately our appearance didn't stop Jeven from speaking, as he continued on about how Kirkwall was falling under Fereldan influence, and they'd all be doomed it we weren't stopped._

_Aveline stood up to him and his accusations, told the crowd of Jeven's past and the reason why he was removed from position. He blamed her for his downfall, instead of admitting his own mistakes, and then attacked us with the few supporters he had managed to gain. Sadly he didn't survive the fight to answer for his crimes, but those that remained dispersed quickly to avoid more bloodshed._

_When we returned to the barracks, Aveline's guardsmen were waiting. They pledged their allegiance to Aveline as their Captain by bowing down to her, sword in hand, and I swear I may have seen tears of pride in her eyes. Donnic then joined us in Aveline's office, informing her that the guard were ready for her next order. She asked for confirmation that they'd accept an order from her, and he told her that they'd all follow her to the Void if necessary._

_Meredith is a fool if she feels she can gain such loyalty from any of these men and women. But I think she knows this already, and I can't help but wonder if she was behind Jeven's return. If so, that means she's nervous and desperate. I fear Cullen may be right, and the strain of her position is weighing on her, causing her to use bad judgement. I hope she doesn't turn her attention toward me any time soon._


	79. DLC: Mark of the Assassin

_Dearest Father,_

_It just wouldn't be a normal day in Kirkwall without an ambush or attack. Varric came to me requesting I meet with a contact of his, Edge, in the market district of Hightown. I should have known it was a trap when Varric presented me with very few details, but I foolishly went anyway._

_Thankfully I had convinced Aveline and Sebastian to accompany us, because within seconds of entering the market district we were met by a handful of Antivan Crows. I thought at first this was revenge for the situation with Nuncio and Zevran, but we found a letter that the Crows were hired by Cavril's family. Aveline reminded me that Cavril was the name of the merchant we were asked to confront by Athenril in order to enter Kirkwall when we first arrived from Ferelden. All of these years they had been holding a grudge? Makes me wonder what other enemies from my past may be lurking in the shadows._

_But that wasn't the most intriguing part of our confrontation. During the assault, an elven woman came out of nowhere and assisted us in the fight. Tallis was her name; a highly skilled rogue who moved with finesse and grace, yet deadly with her blades. I thanked her for her timely entrance, and that's when she informed us that she was hoping to run into me, and that she needed my help._

_Thanks to Varric's wild tales of my heroics, Tallis believed I'd be interested in helping her retrieve a jewel that Duke Prosper had in his possession. I met the man during my celebration dinner the nobles arranged when I had become Champion, but honestly he was so repulsive I had hoped to forget him. I was well aware of the wyvern hunt he was hosting at Chateau Haine, but immediately ignored the invitation when it arrived._

_I didn't want to go, but Varric convinced me that a trip to the Chateau would be good for Sebastian; no doubt several noble families would be there, and he could use the opportunity to gain support for reclaiming Starkhaven. I assure you, Father, that is the only reason I agreed to go; I had no interest in hunting or this stolen jewel Tallis was so concerned about. But if I want a future with Sebastian, I suppose I should start getting used to mingling with nobility from those outside Kirkwall._

_Choosing who would accompany me was no easy task. I wasn't going to take Merrill on a hunt for wildlife, and Aveline had the guard to take care of. Fenris said he'd stand out too much and Anders wouldn't abandon the clinic. Varric said he couldn't leave Kirkwall because of guild business, but he assured me that Sebastian and I wouldn't be in this alone. I didn't know who to expect when we arrived at the Chateau, but I was overjoyed when I found out who was waiting for us._

"Carver!" Hawke released Sebastian's hand and ran toward her brother. He stood tall and proud in his templar uniform at the front gates of Chateau Haine, and he braced himself for the impact of his sister's embrace. "What are you doing here?" she asked, ignoring the pain from his armor as it dug into her chest.

"Happy to see you too, Sister," Carver replied, his voice muffled against her hair. He allowed her a few moments before gently removing her arms from around his neck. "Did no one tell you we're supposed to be stuck up nobles and this show of affection is inappropriate?"

Hawke laughed at his question. "I must have missed that message among the hundreds on my desk." She stood back and looked at her younger brother. "Maker, I've missed you."

"Ser Carver," Sebastian extended a hand to the templar. "Good to see you again."

Carver shook his hand. "Prince Vael. I see my sister has dragged you out here as well?"

"Prince?" Tallis spoke up, interrupting the reunion. "The whole way here and you didn't tell me I was in the company of royalty?"

"It's so easy to forget sometimes," Hawke said as she smiled at Sebastian. "Tallis, this is my brother Carver. Carver, meet Tallis."

Carver eyed the intriguing looking elf. "Nice to meet you. Let's talk over there for a little more privacy, the rest of the hunters are making their way toward the gate."

They moved away from the incoming groups of nobles with their mabaris and hunting gear toward a stone bench just off the main path to the Chateau. Hawke was still smiling ear to ear as she sat next to her brother on the bench. "What are you doing here?" she asked.

"Varric sent word to Cullen about your trip, and asked that I be allowed to accompany you," Carver explained. "The way Cullen explained it, he owed you a favor and this was the least he could do. He managed to convince the knight-commander that having templar presence at this hunt would show her extended reach within the Free Marches. There's an entire company of us here, but I'll be with you on the hunt."

Hawke was more than grateful for Varric and Cullen in this moment, having been given the luxury of spending an entire day with her brother. "Remind me to kiss that dwarf when we return to Kirkwall."

"I will do no such thing," Sebastian said with a grin.

"So this is still going on with you two?" Carver asked.

Hawke smiled as Sebastian took her hand. "It is," Sebastian replied.

"Well then, if my sister's happy, so am I," Carver said. "What's the deal with all this anyway? Why are we here?"

"We're assisting Tallis in retrieving something Duke Prosper has no right possessing," Hawke explained. "You're probably better off knowing as little as possible. We have to suffer through this hunt and gain access to the Chateau, get what we came for, and hope to be out of here before anyone notices."

Carver sighed. "Well that's just great, you have me stealing like we were back with Athenril?"

"No," Hawke said. "You are doing no such thing. Tallis and I will get into the Chateau, you and Sebastian will stay with the party. I don't want either of you involved in the actual theft. It wouldn't be good for the templar reputation or Sebastian's."

"Until something goes wrong," Carver muttered. "Have you not enough coin? Why continue the odd jobs?"

"Carver… please, let's not argue on the one day I get to spend with you," Hawke said. "You'll mingle, we'll get what she needs, and everything will be fine. Trust me."

"You allow her to still do this sort of thing?" Carver asked Sebastian.

Sebastian laughed. "It is not my place to grant her permission to do anything. She does as she wishes, and I assist when necessary."

"Hi, still here you two, thanks" Hawke said. "Let's just focus on one thing at a time. Anyone here ever hunt a wyvern before?"

"Between your brother and the prince here, you certainly have the armor for a hunt," Tallis commented.

"Where as you have… very little of it?" Carver noticed.

Hawke tried not to laugh at Carver's observation of Tallis' leather armor. "He's got a point Tallis, there isn't much protection going on there."

Tallis shrugged. "Less armor, move faster. Come on, the hunt is about to begin. The quicker we get that over with, the sooner we can get into the Chateau and reclaim the jewel."

_The hunt was a success, more or less. I'll spare you the disgusting details as to how one actually lures a wyvern to their death. We managed to kill the wyvern, cure a mabari of wyvern poison, and save a scholar. There was a brief altercation with Baron Arlange; he felt he deserved to be crowned the winner of the hunt even though he did nothing to assist us in killing it. The host of this event, Duke Prosper, managed to calm Arlange before he attacked us._

_After the hunt, we retreated to our rooms to clean up and prepare for the party. Sebastian took to the crowd immediately, introducing himself to the local nobility as well as those that were in from Ferelden. It was nice to see Bann Teagan again, as well as Leliana, and even a few fellow Kirkwallers were there. Carver stayed with the templars and I remained by Sebastian's side while Tallis worked the staff to gain access to the Chateau. Once she had a way in, I excused myself, feigning ill, and met up with Tallis outside the servant's entrance._

_We managed to make our way to the vault by avoiding the guards, but once inside, we quickly discovered it was a trap. We were confronted by Duke Prosper, and he informed me that Tallis was an assassin as well as a Qunari. There was plenty of time to question her when Prosper threw us into the dungeon._

_There was no jewel, she explained. The truth was she was there to intercept a rogue Qunari that was selling Qunari secrets to the duke, which included locations of innocent Qunari and their families. The last thing I wanted to do was get involved in more Qunari business; I suspect Tallis knew that and so she created this elaborate lie to get my help instead. I was less than thrilled with her putting me in that position, and hated the fact that I was now stuck with her in a cell. Thankfully Sebastian and Carver came to our rescue, and with Tallis' help we escaped the Chateau._

_We fought our way through the underground tunnels, battling strange creatures that lived underground called ghasts. Just when we thought we could catch our breath, Prosper's bodyguard Cahir and his men confronted us, and so we had to battle them as well. And if that wasn't hard enough, once we made it outside, we were confronted by more ghasts, some Tal-Vashoth, and then Arlange! I didn't think things could get much worse for us until we ended up at some old ruin site where Prosper and the rogue Qunari were having their meeting, which Tallis interrupted, which led to a full on battle with Prosper, his pet wyvern Leopold, his guards, and more Tal-Vashoth. It was an exhausting fight to say the least, which ended in the death of Duke Prosper._

_Carver had to return to the Chateau to reunite with his fellow templars, and Sebastian accompanied him in the hopes of distancing himself from any implication that he was involved in the duke's death. As it turns out, the party was still in full swing, and no one seemed to have any idea that all of this had happened. The last any of the nobles knew was that Prosper released his pet wyvern and took off, but no one knew why or where he had gone. I suppose the guards will piece it together later when they follow the trail of corpses, but with so many attending the festivities, it would be impossible to place the blame on anyone._

_Tallis and I said our goodbyes outside Chateau Haine, and I met up with Carver and Sebastian a few hours later. We returned to Kirkwall together, thankful we made it out of there alive and without suspicion. It's sad that it had to end that way, but innocent Qunari families are safe, and Sebastian was able to form a few alliances for when he reclaims the Starkhaven throne for the Vaels._


	80. Non-Quest: Random Letters

"What is all this?" Sebastian asked as he entered Hawke's estate. Hawke was seated in front of the fireplace, parchments scattered around her.

"These are what I like to call my 'feel good' letters," Hawke explained. "When I'm feeling down, or have had a particularly bad week, rereading these helps me remember that some of the good I have done outweighs the bad."

Sebastian removed his bow and quiver, and then joined her on the floor. "May I?" he asked, picking up one of the letters.

Hawke nodded. "Sure, be my guest."

_Messere Hawke,_

_In case you don't remember me, we met in the Gallows a few years ago. You saved my life. Twice, in fact. Once from Ser Alrik, and once from… someone else._

_It's not the kindest thing to say, but nobody misses Alrik. Not even the other templars. I know it's hard to imagine, but they don't want to fight. They want things to be normal: no Harrowings, no Tranquil, and no one dying. But none of us are getting that wish now._

_So many dark whispers in the Circle. Terrible days are coming for all of us. I pray the Maker keeps you safe._

_Sincerely, Ella_

"I remember her," Sebastian said after reading the letter. "She was the one Anders almost…"

"Justice," Hawke corrected him. "But yes, that was her. I look for her whenever we go to the Gallows, but with the mages being kept inside more and more, I doubt I'll be able to see her."

"A bit ominous at the end there," Sebastian remarked.

Hawke shrugged. "I suppose life in the Circle can make you that way. She's not the first to comment about the unrest in the Gallows, but I'm not sure if there's anything I can do about that except to keep doing what I've been doing."

"And who is this one from?" Sebastian asked as he retrieved another letter.

Hawke smiled. "You'll like that one. Go ahead and read it."

_To the Champion of Kirkwall:_

_You've done so much for so many people, so you probably don't remember me. But you saved my life. I've spent three years thinking about what that awful Lord Harimann might have done to me; surely the Maker sent you to shine His light on that madhouse. When I left and walked into the sun, it was like waking from a nightmare. I don't know how we endured it. That place was a spider's web, and we were the flies._

_I didn't know where to go at first, but I ended up seeking shelter at the Chantry in Starkhaven. I'm a Sister now, and I take my vows next month! They've given me a chance to pay back the good fortune you gave me, and they've even taught me to read and write. Me! The daughter of a washer-woman!_

_With eternal gratitude,_

_Sister Arielle_

"We'll have to visit with her when we go to Starkhaven," Sebastian said. "It will be nice to witness something positive that has come from that awful business with the Harimanns."

"Maybe you could ask Elthina to write to her Chantry, find out when exactly she's taking her vows so we could be there?" Hawke asked. "I hear so much about Starkhaven, I think it's about time I get a look at the place you call home."

Sebastian smiled. "I'd like that."

He reached for another to read, and Hawke was too slow in retrieving it before he did. "You don't want to read that one," she said, still reaching out for it. "It's just ramblings from my cousin Charade."

"Ah yes, the Amell skilled with the bow," Sebastian said. "On the contrary, I'd love to see how she's doing."

_Dear Marian,_

_I assume Gamlen's told you nothing about me. I ask about you every time I visit him, and all I get is "you've heard it all from the town criers." Dear old dad._

_I hope this letter finds you well. I hear stories, but I can't tell what's true and what's exaggerated. Did you really fistfight the Qunari leader? Are you actually sleeping with the prince of Starkhaven? Did you slay a dragon in Darktown? It can't all be true!_

_It is exciting to hear the stories and say, "that's my cousin!" Write to me, and tell me how you've been. I want news! I'll trade you incriminating gossip about your favorite uncle._

_Yours truly, Charade_

Hawke couldn't ignore the embarrassed flush upon Sebastian's cheeks as he read the part about the two of them together. "A few other ones of note," she said, changing the subject. "Guillaume de Launcet for my help with Emile, Meredith after giving me the title of Champion. Foolish to save them all I suppose, but they are nice to read every so often."

"I see," he said, handing her the letter from Charade. "I've no doubt there are several that make for interesting reading."

Hawke shifted her legs that began to tingle from sitting so long on the floor. "None as bad as that one, I assure you. Do you feel like getting out of here for a while? It looks nice outside, and I think my legs could use a good walk."

"Of course," Sebastian said as he stood, and then offered a hand to help her. "Perhaps we'll find a dragon in Darktown to slay," he joked.

Hawke raised her brow. "Really? I'd rather make true other rumors in that letter before slaying a dragon," she said with a wink.

"I think you've had enough fistfighting Qunari leaders for a lifetime," Sebastian said, ignoring her obvious reference with a sly smile. He pulled her in close and kissed her gently. "I would not wish to see these gentle hands bruised."

"As she said, it can't all be true," Hawke remarked as she led him to the front door.

Sebastian wrapped his arm around her waist. "Not yet, anyway," he replied before they exited the estate into the busy streets of Hightown.


	81. Who Needs Rescuing?

_Dearest Father,_

_I received a rather strange letter today from a Reginald Thaddeus Spincter. Truth be told, I haven't a clue as to who this person is, but his letter was less than flattering to his character. Reginald claimed that his daughter Orlanna was abducted by bandits and she was being held somewhere along the Wounded Coast. 'I bid you make haste, for a fear these low-born scum will take her maidenhood, and that would make the arrangement of a suitable marriage very difficult.' Really Father, that was his main concern. Not that his daughter was kidnapped, possibly hurt or worse yet dead, but that she may become damaged goods?_

_I thank the Maker more and more each day that we weren't raised as nobles._

_Fenris is always looking for a good fight, so he, Sebastian, and Varric joined in on the hunt. We had barely arrived at the coast when we were confronted by Evets. We had a run in with a few of his men once who had killed several of Aveline's guards. I remember Isabela really wanting to kill this man, and now it looked like he really wanted to kill me. There was no discussion other than an introduction before he and his men attacked._

_And that was just the start of our day. As we searched for Orlanna, we had several other confrontations to deal with. Apparently this was where the Tal-Vashoth have been hiding; we must have been attacked by dozens of them all spread out along the coast. I would've been perfectly content to walk on by, but they insisted on a fight, and so we responded. Fenris worked out his anger and Varric and Sebastian had their usual contest of bow vs crossbow. I wonder if they'll ever decide which is better._

_Finally we found Orlanna in a small secluded area behind some brush. Her father wasn't wrong; she was surrounded by raiders who appeared to be fighting over which one would have her first. We gave these filthy men no chance at escape and attacked immediately. Pity for them they chose such a secluded location with only one way in or out; Varric and Sebastian blocked their exit, their arrows keeping the men ducking for cover as Fenris attacked. I went in and grabbed Orlanna so she wouldn't get caught in the crossfire, trusting my friends to shield us both from harm. When it was over, Orlanna was thankful, but not to us._

"I knew he'd send help! Thank the Maker he hasn't forgotten me," Orlanna said.

Hawke smiled as she tended to a few bruises Orlanna had received on her journey to the coast. "I'm sure it would be very difficult for a father to forget his own daughter," she said.

"My father?" Orlanna seemed confused. "I was talking about Feynriel! I know my love has been gone for quite some time, but I always knew he was looking out for me from wherever he was."

"Feynriel?" Varric was intrigued. "You've met him?"

"Yes! Well, no. Sort of," Orlanna began. "He used to come to me in my dreams, said he wanted to make me happy and spend the rest of his life with me. Only I haven't heard from him in over a year, and I worried he had left me. But you being here is proof that he's kept his promise to always keep me from harm!"

Hawke placed her hand on Orlanna's shoulder. "Feynriel didn't send us," she explained. "I received a letter from your father asking for my help. He's the one that told me you were here. That's how we found you."

"My love must have visited my father in his dreams!" Orlanna said. "I've been too scared to sleep, afraid of what those men might have done to me. So he sent you to me through my father, don't you see?"

"The woman is clearly mad," Fenris muttered.

Hawke walked toward Sebastian and pulled him further away from Varric and Orlanna. "I don't know how to tell her," she whispered. "She'll be devastated."

"She needs to know the truth Hawke," Sebastian stated. "Feynriel is no longer the man she once knew."

"You know of my Feynriel? You know where he is?" Orlanna asked. "Oh you must tell me! Please messere!"

Varric sighed, and intervened on Hawke's behalf. "There's something you need to know about your boy Feynriel. You see, he's in the Gallows…"

Orlanna's face lit up. "I knew he was coming to find me! I must return to the city immediately so that we may be reunited!"

"I don't think that's such a good idea..." Varric began.

But Orlanna was already running from them toward Kirkwall. "I'm coming my love!"

"Well that's not going to end well," Varric muttered.

"No," Hawke agreed. "It's really not. We better go after her."

_We headed for the Gallows immediately, hoping to catch up to Orlanna before she got there. Unfortunately we were too late; when we arrived, she was being restrained by two templars as she screamed at Feynriel, asking him why he was being so cold to her. Feynriel just stood there, staring at her, telling her that he was content in his life without her. It broke my heart to watch Father, knowing that I was the one responsible for making him that way. Me, a mage of all people, causing another to become tranquil._

_But that wasn't the worst of it Father. After the templars dragged Orlanna away, to where I don't know, Cullen approached us. He received word this morning that Arianni, Feynriel's mother, had committed suicide. She told a few close friends that she'd rather be dead than see her son tranquil, and so she ingested several poisons to end her life._

_I've taken away Feynriel's emotions, destroyed Orlanna's dreams of love and happiness, and now I am responsible for Arianni's death. I was so sure I was doing the right thing back then Father, but look at what's become because of my choices. I should've just let the boy be free, go off to Tevinter and master his craft. Then his mother would be alive, he and Orlanna would live happily ever after, and I wouldn't feel like the worst person in Thedas._

_Sebastian says that if I hadn't made that decision, the outcome may have been much worse. He reminded me of my original fears of Feynriel going to Tevinter and ending up a blood mage, and that even Marethari believed he could become a danger. That's the problem with decisions; you can never be certain of each possible outcome. But right now, it's difficult to see that this is as anything but the worst outcome possible, and all because of me._

* * *

**_Author's Note: You can only get this quest if you sent Feynriel to Tevinter, which this Hawke didn't do, so the outcome above isn't actually in game (except for Arianni, which is sadly canon)._ **


	82. Finding Nathaniel

_Dearest Father,_

_I hadn't planned on visiting the Deep Roads again so soon, or ever for that matter. But when we were approached by Delilah Howe in Hightown, I had little choice but to help her. She told me about her brother Nathaniel, a Grey Warden, who had recently gone missing. The desperation in her tone pulled at my heart, and I imagined being in her position; if Carver were missing, I'd do anything to find him. But this woman clearly was not meant for exploration or battle, especially against potential darkspawn, so I agreed to help._

_We were better prepared this time around with plenty of supplies and Anders' maps. Varric had a map of his own that he drafted when we returned from the expedition several years ago; I wasn't aware of this, but it was certainly a help when we were down there. I tried to convince Anders to come with us, get him out of the city for a while (not to mention his warnings of darkspawn would have come in handy) but he wouldn't hear of it. So Sebastian, Varric, and Fenris came along for the trip._

_Tracking a group of Wardens wasn't too hard, just follow the trail of darkspawn corpses. It meant little fighting the further we went in, which I was thankful for. It seemed quiet, almost too quiet, until an arrow out of nowhere startled me, flying close enough to my face so I could hear it. Behind us, the arrow landed straight through a genlock's eye. And that is how we met Nathaniel._

"Nathaniel Howe I presume?" Hawke asked, still staring at the darkspawn laying dead on the stone floor. "Your sister said you were a master with a bow, and I have to admit that was impressive."

"Quite," Sebastian said as he stood beside her, admiring the Warden's skill.

Varric huffed. "Bianca's not impressed."

"The Champion of Kirkwall?" Nathaniel seemed surprised. "Here? But why?"

"Your sister sent me," Hawke replied. "Delilah was worried when she hadn't heard from you, and I can see now it was for good reason. May I ask why the Wardens are interested in retracing my steps?"

"You and your expedition went further into the Deep Roads than anyone thought possible," Nathaniel said. "The First Warden himself ordered this investigation after hearing rumors of the red lyrium you discovered."

Hawke crossed her arms over her chest. "Funny, I don't remember making an announcement about that, or drawing any maps of our route. How did the Wardens find out about this?"

"Your brother, Bartrand," Nathaniel said as he looked to Varric. "He approached the Warden's first about the idol he found, claimed it may be a key in helping defeat the darkspawn, and for a price he'd share the information with us. He cooperated right up until it came time to hand over the idol, and then he disappeared before doing so."

"So instead of contacting myself or Hawke, you just decided to trust my brother's information, wander around down here without the full story?" Varric asked. "I always thought the Wardens were smarter than that."

Nathaniel became defensive. "There was no need to speak with either of you. We are fully trained in scouting and following tracks, and you lot were quite lazy in hiding your way through, if you tried to at all."

"We were too busy trying to survive," Hawke pointed out. "Bartrand left us down here to die, covering our tracks was the least of our worries. We had no maps, no food, and barely made it out of here alive."

"I wasn't aware," Nathaniel admitted. "I'm sorry."

Hawke shrugged. "It's fine. But if it's all the same to you, I'd like to return to Delilah and tell her the good news. I'd rather not remain down here any longer than we have to."

"I cannot leave," Nathaniel told her. "These attacks separated me from my men. I must press on to see if there are any survivors. Though you are under no obligation to assist me, your help would be appreciated."

"Of course we'll help," Sebastian said, readying his bow. Hawke eyed Sebastian with curiosity as a huge grin graced his face. "Crawling through blight-infested tunnels, rescuing Wardens in peril. This is what I signed on for!"

"Funny," Hawke said, "I had thought you were here for me."

Sebastian laughed, wrapping an arm around her waist. "An added bonus," he said before kissing her forehead.

"Are they always this nauseating?" Nathaniel asked Varric.

The dwarf shook his head. "Must be the confined space. The sooner we get out of here, the quicker we can separate these two from further displays of affection."

Nathaniel agreed. "Let's move. I'll alert you of any darkspawn ahead."

_We managed well enough with the five of us maneuvering through the tunnels, picking off darkspawn here and there. Sebastian spent most of the time talking bows and arrows with Nathaniel while Varric, Fenris, and I discussed the last time we were in the Deep Roads. It wasn't all that terrible to be honest, thinking back on it now. Of course we had Isabela with us then, and she kept things interesting with games of dares and chance. Only to return and find Carver was a templar… naturally it upset me then, but now I couldn't be prouder of my brother._

_We ran into a member of Nathaniel's expedition, a lively dwarf named_ _Temmerin. He wasn't skilled with a weapon of any sort, but he was a master at explosives, and had set up a variety of traps to keep the darkspawn away from him. Using them to our advantage, pressing forward was easy enough (except if you count the bad timing of some of the explosions, which I think hurt us more than the darkspawn). At the end of the tunnel we faced a large Ogre, not something I had wanted to face again. They always remind me of the horrible way Bethany had died, but I used that anger to help defeat the giant creature._

_Sadly we discovered that the rest of Nathaniel's expedition didn't survive. With his mission complete, we all returned to Kirkwall together, and met up with Delilah at the Hanged Man. She was overjoyed to see her brother safe and out of harm's way, and I invited them both, as well as Temmerin, to the estate for a decent meal and a good night's rest before they had to part ways._

_Bodahn and Orana were overjoyed at having company and new people to fuss over. It was a fun evening of storytelling, and we learned that Nathaniel had worked with Anders for a time in Amaranthine. I offered to take Nathaniel to the clinic to see Anders, but he declined. Apparently there's some history there; Nathaniel wasn't happy with Anders merging with Justice, and they hadn't spoken since. I did my best to convince him that Anders could use an old friend right about now, but Nathaniel insisted on not seeing him._

_Sebastian came by in the morning to walk with us to the docks where we said our goodbyes to the Howe's. Nathaniel was returning to the Wardens with Temmerin, and Delilah was going back to Amaranthine. She was heartbroken to see her brother leave again, which of course pulled at my heart as well. Even though Carver and I rarely see each other, there's comfort in knowing he's within the same city as I am. Thinking of Carver as a Warden, constantly on the move with no place to call home, no reliable way to be in contact… I never thought I'd say this, but I'm glad he's a templar and not a Warden._


	83. The Awiergan Scrolls: Pride Unbound

**_Author's Note: This chapter includes The Awiergan Scrolls: First Aspect, The Awiergan Scrolls: Second Aspect, and The Awiergan Scrolls: Third Aspect._ **

* * *

_Dearest Father,_

_The last few nights my dreams have haunted me into the waking hours. Rituals being performed by men I've never met. Familiar locations around Kirkwall flash within my mind. Symbols I can not recognize. At the end, always the sneering laughter from something not of this world. I didn't know if it was a demon playing tricks in the Fade, or something far worse hiding in the darkness._

_After the first nightmare, I drew the symbol I saw so I wouldn't forget it. After the second, I did the same, and asked Sebastian to stay the night for fear of the dream repeating. Sure enough, last night, it happened again. Another dream, more images, a third symbol. I wasn't sure what any of it meant, but Sebastian insisted we try to find out what's going on. I think this was the first time he'd really felt fear of me being a mage, and if I'm being honest, I was terrified as well. Demons can prey on you all sorts of ways, you taught me that, and not knowing why this was happening scared us both._

_We went to see Anders to speak with him about it. Having been in a Circle and studied what the Chantry teachings of magic, we took the chance that he might have more knowledge than I had in the books I had collected over the years. We sat down and reviewed the symbols and their context within the dreams._

_The first symbol Anders recognized as a Chasind chieftain's sigil. When I told him I saw it in my dreams at a very specific location in the Wounded Coast, he suggested we go there and check it out. Sebastian agreed it was a good idea, and so we headed back to the estate to gather some supplies for the trip and asked Fenris to come along. I was hoping this was all in my head somehow, but when we arrived on the Coast and found an ancient scroll in the exact location of my dream, with the exact symbol I had envisioned, it sent a chill through my body._

"We have been to this spot a dozen times in our travels," Hawke said as she watched Anders unroll the scroll. "How have we never noticed this was here before?"

"Perhaps because we were not looking for it," Anders replied. "It seems you were meant to find it, that your dream led you here for a reason."

Fenris shift uncomfortably but remained silent.

"What does it say?" Sebastian asked.

"There are two parchments within," Anders explained. "The first says 'Mine dottir was taken by the caster, and mine legion met him. She was pried from his blood-scrawls, but some horror did inhabit him instead. Mine legion could not contain, and I ask for a seal, whatever the faith. Price be paid, Scholar.' Well that doesn't sound good," he commented.

"Sounds ancient," Hawke said, trying to figure out its meaning. "What of the second?"

Anders read the second parchment aloud. "'Of binding a symptom, no vial can contain you. One of three, separated in prevention. Unbound, but caged, I must not follow. Truth will hold you, for that is what truth does.' There's a rather strange drawing below it as well."

"May I?" Hawke asked, extending a hand to accept the parchments. Anders handed her the old documents, and the second her flesh touched the paper, an image of another location flashed in her mind. She cried out at the unexpected intrusion, and Sebastian was quick to her side, holding her steady.

"Are you alright?" he asked. "What happened?"

She took a moment to gather her thoughts before explaining to the group, "There's something else here. When I connected with the parchment, I saw another location, up the hill and around a bend. It feels like I'm being drawn to it."

Fenris shook his head. "I do not like this Hawke," he said in protest.

"Nor I," Sebastian agreed. "But I think we must follow where it leads for now and find out what this is all about."

"I agree," Anders said. "Take us to the place you saw."

_And so we travelled up the Coast. I have no real way to explain how I knew where I was going, only that I felt a pull to a specific location; the closer we got, the stronger it felt. When we reached our destination, corpses began to rise from the ground and attacked us! After what seemed like a never ending amount of them, an Arcane horror appeared. Knowing that they are summoned when a Pride demon possesses the corpse of a mage did not help to ease the fear of my dreams._

_Once we destroyed it, I felt a bit better, as if vanquishing the demon released something that was taunting me in the back of my mind. When I informed the others of this, they insisted we continue on and attempt to follow the visions I had from the other two dreams. And so we did, Sundermount being our next destination. Just as I had dreamed, we found the scroll behind the ancient ruins near the entrance to the path below Sundermount._

_The second symbol was the seal of some Orlesian noble house, and again we found a scroll with that symbol at the exact location I had dreamt about. Another two parchments within containing_ _more cryptic messages. The first said, 'Our line is dead, but still walking. I know not if it is because of the old ways, but my three boys are now something other because of want. If He can be called on, I ask you, Scholar, do so, and the price is paid.' This one made a bit more sense; sounded as if there were possessed corpses about, and the author of this letter was reaching out for help._

_Anders confirmed the second parchment resembled its first counterpart, perhaps a binding spell of somesort? 'Of binding a symptom, no vial can contain you. Two of three, three yourself, asunder. Caged, but still meddling, you will not goad me. Truth will hold you, or it is no longer true.' I don't know if the three was referring to the three boys mentioned or the three dreams . As with the first scroll, the moment I touched it, I had a vision of another location, this one atop Sundermount._

_We discovered it must have been referring to the three boys, as we were attacked by three creatures at the mountain's peak. Two were revenants and another undead, their attacks were harsh and relentless. Anders reminded me that revenants too are often the result of a Pride demon, same as the Arcane horrors from earlier. But was it the same Pride demon behind both of these attacks?_

_I knew the third scroll was along the southern loop just before the Dalish camp. This one had Rivaini markings on it, and again I wished Isabela was with us to explain what it meant. Sebastian suggested it was no more than another house symbol. Again two parchments within, the first as the others, begging for a scholar's help: 'He was our hero against Par Vollen, and we were in awe. Perhaps it was our fault. There was a day when he changed and saw us as servants, not those he offered to serve. And then he was infested. We need a seal, Scholar, in the faith you choose. The price is paid.' The second, as before, written in the same hand as the other two: 'Of binding a symptom, no vial can contain you. Three of three, you perverted a man elevated by others. I will not yield, even as I must turn to face you. Truth will hold you, or a new truth we will create.'_

_Another vision, another location, another Arcane horror with the addition of shades. Again I felt something being freed within me, but we weren't finished. I can't explain how I knew this, but there was one final fight to be had._

_We returned to Kirkwall and asked Varric to join us at the estate. We spread out all of the parchments on the dining room table, trying to piece together the puzzle before us._

Varric realigned the letters so the first of each scroll was on top and the second below. Studying all three, he noticed something the others had not. "Did you look at this strange handprint on all of these?" he asked.

Anders and Hawke took a closer look at the blob of red ink marking the bottom of each letter assumed to have been written by the scholar. "That's a handprint?" Hawke asked, turning her head to look at it from different angles. "How can you tell? It's different in all three."

"The only thing different is the little finger," Varric pointed out. "See here?" he said, holding his hand over the image. "It's a hand alright, but that finger gets smaller with each scroll."

"Are you suggesting…" Sebastian began, unable to complete the thought when he realized what Varric was implying.

"Blood magic," Anders confirmed. "The scholar severed a part of his finger each time he did the binding ritual."

"Oh Maker," Hawke gasped, looking again at each parchment. The first showed the tip of the little finger missing. The second displayed the finger cut at the second knuckle. And on the third, where there should have been a little finger, there was nothing. "We fight demons all the time. Was there no better way to be rid of it?"

Varric shrugged. "Who knows when these were originally written? Or just what type of demon we're dealing with? As grand as revenants and horrors are, they aren't something you haven't fought before. I have a feeling that whatever this guy was binding isn't like anything you fought today."

"Which means it's still out there," Hawke said. "But where…"

"Maybe there are more scrolls," Anders suggested. "Whatever is reaching out to you may have more dreams for you."

"Or the next one brings the demon that will possess her," Fenris said. "By breaking the seals on these scrolls, we may have made it stronger."

Hawke stared at Fenris. "That's a comforting thought, thanks," she said. "I won't be sleeping tonight, or  _ever_."

Sebastian placed his hand on her shoulder to comfort her. "You said you felt peace with each battle won. That is not the work of a demon."

Anders nodded. "Sebastian's right. I think if the demon were trying to possess you, what we've done today weakened his hold on you." He turned his attention back to the scrolls. "The answer has to be here. What about these black marks beside the handprint? They all appear different, but similar in some way."

The others moved closer to look at what Anders was referring to. Faint markings on each letter written by the scholar. "Is that some kind of map?" Varric asked, turning the page. "The only similar block on each of these is here," he muttered to himself, turning the others to align the only constant on all three maps. "That can't be right…"

"What is it Varric?" Hawke asked, trying to see what he was seeing.

"Kirkwall," Varric said. "Hightown," he pointed out on the first parchment. "This one is Lowtown, and the third is Darktown. That block right there," he showed the others. "Align it on all three maps, and guess where it is?"

"Right where we're standing," Hawke whispered, staring in disbelief. "But that would mean…"

"The Pride demon is in your house," Fenris concluded for her.

_We searched the entire house together, but found nothing. Kitchen, study, library, bedrooms, guest rooms, servants wing, there was nothing out of place and nothing suspicious. It wasn't until Varric and Anders reminded me of the three lower levels of the basement that I became a bit nervous. I hadn't been down there since Carver and I broke into the estate all those years ago for Mother. But there were plenty of rooms and passages down there I had never explored, so it was time to do so._

_The low hissing growl we heard coming from the second floor of the wine cellar gave us all pause. When we entered the room, a large demon leapt from the shadows, towering over us. Purple-gray skin, four horns, large teeth, talons, definitely something out of a nightmare. And then to know it had been living beneath the estate for Maker knows how long? Perhaps it was the fear in the moment, but I begged Sebastian right there to move in with me. To my surprise, instead of an outright refusal, he said we could discuss it another time._

_The creature confirmed for us that we had in fact broken the seals which bound it by opening the scrolls and facing the demons on the surface. It also confirmed it was a demon of Pride, with his speech and confidence. It called itself Hybris, though I didn't care what its name was, I just wanted it out of my house. And so we fought, five of us on one. Nearly as difficult as my fight with the Arishok, but we were successful nonetheless, and for the first time in several days, I felt completely free of any lingering fear from the nightmares._

_I was also completely exhausted. When we returned to the main level of the estate, I remember sitting on the couch and then little else. Varric informed me that I had quickly fallen asleep and Sebastian carried me to my room, where he remained to watch over me as I slept. When I woke, he was still beside me, and asked me if I had any more nightmares. I told him the only dream I could recall was of a man dressed as a scholar, his left hand noticeably missing its little finger when he waved at me. Then the scholar smiled, and I was overwhelmed with a feeling of gratitude. He then turned into a bright glowing light, and drifted away into the vastness of the Fade._

_Sebastian's convinced it was the scholar giving me the dreams, to help fulfill some purpose he was unable to when he was alive. I'd like to think so, that I was able to help him find peace somehow. It's much better than thinking a Pride demon had used me to free itself. As for the conversation about Sebastian moving into the estate, well that hasn't happened yet. But it will, soon, because even with the demon destroyed, I can't help but wonder what else lurks below Hightown._


	84. Questioning Beliefs: Aveline (Act 3)

_Dearest Father,_

_Aveline sent word that she wanted to speak with me, so Sebastian and I met with her in her office. When we arrived, Varric was there, telling her one of his infamous stories I'm sure. He had also brought her a bottle of wine, late wedding present I believe, and was laughing heartily as we crossed paths in her doorway. It was nice to see the two of them getting along; sometimes I forget my friends go to see each other when I'm not around._

_She showed me a letter from Ferelden; apparently she was listed as dead after the events of Ostagar, but when King Alistair came across her name in the reports, and remembered her from his visit to Kirkwall, he sent word offering to reinstate her commision to the Ferelden army. I thought it odd she'd even consider returning, as she served Cailan and not Alistair. But she dutifully reminded me that she served Ferelden, regardless of who was on the throne._

_Aveline asked if Carver had ever told me what happened at Ostagar. I think after fleeing for our lives from Lothering and Ferelden, Carver just wanted to put it all behind him. He's never brought it up, and respectfully I've never asked._

_Sebastian and I sat across from Aveline as she went into detail about the war and what she had seen. How the Wardens were a heavy presence, Cailan standing proud among them giddy as a school boy. He had been inspirational, so sure in their defeat that no one believed the horrible outcome was possible. And then in the thick of it, darkspawn slaughtering the Wardens and her fellow squadmates, the beacon atop the tower was lit, and for a moment everyone paused, waiting for Loghain and his forces to join the fray. A moment of hope, met with nothing but silence._

_That was the memory of what she left behind in Ferelden. Fighting for her life, escaping the darkspawn, finding Wesley only to lose him. Aveline decided she wasn't going to return to Ferelden. In Kirkwall, she was doing good, making a difference. Her actions had positive and somewhat immediate results, and that was more rewarding than anything she had accomplished in Ferelden. She has Donnic, a job she loves, and a city she now called home._

_And that's the truth of it, isn't it Father? It doesn't matter that we were raised in Lothering. As great as Ferelden was, it really holds only the worst of memories for us both. It began with you leaving us, and then our home being overrun by darkspawn, Bethany's death. What is there really to go back to? Aveline's right, there is nothing but pain in Ferelden. It will always hold a special place in my heart, but I don't think I'd ever return there either._

_But is Kirkwall home for me? I've spent so much time the last few months considering Starkhaven as my future, that I haven't stopped and taken a good look around at what I have here, what I would be giving up for that future. Of course Starkhaven isn't far from Kirkwall and I already foresee several trips to visit Carver, but am I ready to give up this city? I am the Champion of Kirkwall; survivor of the Qunari onslaught, representative of those who have no voice among the likes of Elthina and Meredith, but would I not look back on Kirkwall as I now do Lothering?_

_Mother wanted this estate, the return to noble status. But I never wanted that. Am I staying here only to try to fulfill her legacy in re-establishing the Amell name? I am only half Amell, but I am also half Hawke, and I have always used the Hawke name with pride Father, for you. The Amell's belonged to Kirkwall, not me._

_Sebastian will be in Starkhaven, and he has already implied that Fenris has an open invitation to live within his city. Anders and I grow more distant by the day, Isabela is gone, Aveline is so wrapped up in her job that we barely see each other, and Merrill? I'm still unsure where Merrill and I stand as far as a friendship goes. But it's certainly not enough to remain in the city for her. My brother and Varric are here, but so are the ghosts of the past._

_Aveline says that she isn't running from Ferelden, rather she's remaining where her heart is. And as much as I love Kirkwall, and have done much for the city, my heart belongs to Sebastian, and I need to be where he is. So one day I will look back on Kirkwall as Aveline and I look back on Ferelden; fond memories, but tragic ones as well, and hopefully her stay here and my move to Starkhaven will help us find the peace we are both searching for._

_Of course all of this is silly thinking for now; Sebastian isn't ready to take over Starkhaven, and I have unfinished business here. I will not leave until some resolution can be found for this mage templar crisis. But hopefully we find it soon, because thoughts of starting a new life in a new city are exciting! Now if only I could convince Varric to come with us._


	85. Merril, Friend or Foe?

_Dearest Father,_

_After my last letter, I thought a visit to Merrill was in order. Thinking about leaving the city and the friends I would be leaving behind, I began to wonder just what Merrill would do if I were to leave Kirkwall? She barely leaves the Alienage, save for a few adventures to the Hanged Man to see Varric or if I call upon her. That's a vastly different life than what she's used to among her clan. I feel terrible for neglecting her as I have, but between her use of blood magic and the creepy feeling I get when I'm around that mirror, it's not my favorite place to visit. Still, with her Keeper's death probably still on her mind, it was time I check in on her._

Merrill didn't bother to hide her surprise when she opened the door and saw Hawke standing there. "Oh dear," she fussed. "I wasn't expecting company! Come in, come in. I'm terribly sorry, but I haven't anything to eat at the moment."

"It's fine Merrill," Hawke said as she entered the small room that Merrill called home. "Is there a reason you haven't any food? If you need coin…"

"No, no, it's not that," Merrill said. "Just haven't had the time to go out lately. Well, I've had the time, I just haven't done it yet."

Hawke eyed her curiously. "We can go to the market now if you'd like."

Merrill gestured for Hawke have a seat near the fireplace as she did the same. "It's not necessary," the elf said. "Besides, you hardly ever come to visit. I'd rather talk for a bit, if that's alright."

Hawke tried to ignore the stab of guilt she felt at Merrill's statement as she sat beside her. "I'm sorry for that Merrill, I really am. I've just been so busy lately with this Champion business."

"And Sebastian," Merrill added with a smile. "He is quite handsome, and his armor is very shiny."

Hawke laughed. "That it is," she replied. "And yes, he's very handsome."

Merrill giggled. "You're in love," she said in a sing-song voice.

The blush that warmed her cheeks was admission enough. "I suppose I am," Hawke said, followed by a contented sigh. "What about you Merrill? Any interesting prospects in the neighborhood?"

"What? Me? No!" Merrill insisted. "I don't get out much, and when I do, they all look at me a bit funny. I suppose I haven't done my very best in being social. Even after all these years, it's still quite new."

"Not the same as the clan life," Hawke commented.

"No," Merrill confirmed. "But I'm probably less welcome among my clan now than here, so might as well make the best of it."

"We ended up at Sundermount the other day," Hawke told her. "They seem to be doing alright. Vinell was made the new Keeper, and Hahren asked about you."

Merrill smiled. "Hahren was always kind to me. Vinell's a bit shy though, not sure how well she'll do in leading the clan. I suppose it's none of my business now. Marethari was the only one who cared enough to have me around. Without her, well, I know I'm not welcome there."

"You still miss her, don't you," Hawke said.

Merrill nodded. "I still can't believe she's gone," she replied, wiping her nose on her sleeve.

"I wish I could say it gets better," Hawke told her. "I miss my parents every day. But I find if I live each day trying to make them proud, my heart is a little less heavy with their loss."

"So you do what you think they'd want you to?" Merrill asked.

"I strive not to disappoint them," Hawke told her. "I know in my heart what they expected of me."

"The Keeper always wished to make life better for all elves," Merrill said. "Maybe I should get out more, try and help the people of the alienage."

Hawke smiled. "That would be a great start. There's a lot of good you can do for them, and of course I'd be willing to help. Coin for repairs to their homes, or I could talk to Aveline and see if we can get extra guard patrols in the area to cut down on some of the crime. Just name it, and I'll be happy to help."

"Thank you Hawke," Merrill said as she stood. "I think I can do that, slowly at first, until they get to know me. But there is one thing I can do now."

"What's that?" Hawke asked.

Merrill walked to the corner of the room where the eluvian stood. "This," she whispered, staring at her reflection in the cracked mirror. "I used to think fixing it would bring me closer to my people, to our history. I thought they'd be proud of me for accomplishing something so great. But nothing good has come from it. Everyone I've ever cared about has either died or turned their back on me, all because of this."

Hawke felt the energy of the Fade filling the room as Merrill's magic gathered strength, and with one quick stonefist spell, the mirror and its frame broke into several pieces. "If I'd done that a long time ago, maybe Marethari would still be alive," she whispered, picking up the piece of wood she had carved her fallen clanmates name into.

_I have always been torn when it came to Merrill. When we first met, all I knew was she was a blood mage whose own clan didn't want her. The more I got to know her, the more I feared for her future, especially after being witness to all the destruction blood magic had caused in Kirkwall. There's tension between her and Fenris. Tension with her and Anders. Sebastian doesn't approve of my friendship with her. Many reasons to not spend as much time as I could with her._

_But I feel the destruction of the mirror is a step in the right direction for her. I'll speak with Varric about getting her some help in supporting the alienage. If we gave her another cause to put her energy into, a positive one, maybe her use of blood magic will be a thing of the past. And I wouldn't be so worried for her when it came time for me to leave Kirkwall._


	86. Best Served Cold

_Champion,_

_I require your presence in my office at Templar Hall as soon as possible. An urgent matter has arisen and given your recent actions, I believe you are the best one to deal with it._

_Sincerely,_

_Knight-Commander Meredith_

"Do you trust her?" Sebastian asked, handing the letter back to Hawke.

Hawke shrugged. "Do you? Does anyone? I would rather not go see her, especially after Cullen said she's becoming more and more dangerous. But if I don't, I'll wonder what she's up to, or why she wanted to speak to me in the first place."

Sebastian nodded. "The decision is yours. If you go, I will accompany you."

"Of that, I had no doubt," Hawke said, leaning upward to give him a kiss.

* * *

 

_Dearest Father,_

_I think I am the only one that still responds to Meredith's summons. She seemed very appreciative that I had come to see her, and got straight to the point upon our arrival. She stated there was a conspiracy within the gallows, and that the mages were responsible. When she went so far as to say even the Grand Cleric was blind to what was happening within the city, of course Sebastian became defensive. He told her that Elthina sees everything all too clearly, but Meredith ignored him._

_I asked her to explain what was going on. She said mages were sneaking out of the Gallows at night. No templars were reporting their absence, which she attributed to the mages using blood magic on them to mask their disappearance. Meredith told Orsino to keep a tighter watch on his charges, but he refused. I asked her how it is he can refuse if the two of them are supposed to be working together for the good of all in the Gallows. According to her, Orsino thinks her unreasonable, and will not assist her. Without his help or Elthina's assistance, and being unable to trust her templars, I was her only remaining option._

_I dared to ask Meredith why she hated mages so much. I had to know if there was a reason, and I found out there was. Her sister was a mage, a kind gentle soul she said, unprepared for what being a mage truly meant. The family hid her, concerned that her soft nature wouldn't be able to survive in a Circle. They thought they were doing the right thing, until a demon possessed her. After killing their entire family save Meredith, who barely escaped, her sister went on to kill seventy more people within their village before the local templars finally took her down. It was for that reason Meredith joined the templars. She doesn't hate us, she said, but she is personally aware of the curse bestowed upon us, and how easily we can lose ourselves._

_I can't fault her for that, Father, as I have thought on this time and time again._

_So I agreed to help her. I told her if I found evidence of her claims, I would immediately bring it to her attention. But I also warned her that I wouldn't lie for her, and if I found nothing, she'd have to drop this vendetta once and for all. She agreed, to my surprise, and told me of a meeting being held in Hightown by the mages she suspected of escaping. I don't know how she found out about the meeting, but we followed up on her lead._

_Varric met us at Fenris', and we went to the courtyard outside the De Launcet mansion where the meeting was supposed to be taking place. To our surprise, there were also templars there. The moment they saw us they attacked, even after I begged them to stop and listen to me. So Meredith was partially correct; mages were leaving the Gallows. But the templars weren't under their thrall, they were assisting them willingly, enough to die with them._

_A note found on one of their bodies lead us to Gardibali's warehouse. Another meeting interrupted, another dozen mages and templars dead before listening to reason. All except one templar, a man I had saved several years ago._

"I begged them not to," Keran said as the group approached him. "I swear to you Hawke, if I knew you were the one they had been speaking of, I would have warned you immediately. You saved my life from those blood mages, I owe you everything. And kidnapping was never supposed to be part of the deal!"

Hawke raised her brow. "Kidnapping? What are you going on about Keran?"

"They said someone was spying, and that we needed leverage, a hostage, to make them see reason," Keran explained. "We just got word they took one of their own, a templar named Carver."

"You bastards kidnapped my brother?" Hawke asked in anger.

"He wasn't going to be hurt," Keran told her, taking a step back. "We just wanted to be left alone to plan our next move. Thrask says Meredith will cause a war between the mages and the templars unless we work together to remove her from her position."

"Thrask is in charge of this?" Sebastian asked. "He hardly seems the sort to resort to kidnapping."

Keran nodded. "As I said, it was just meant to keep you from stopping us before we could act. It's no secret you support Meredith, so Thrask must have thought this was the best way to do that."

"Of course I support Meredith," Hawke said through gritted teeth. "I have seen first hand what blood mages are capable of. My own mother…" she trailed off, unable to complete the sentence, and turned to walk away from him so he couldn't see the tears in her eyes.

Sebastian continued to deal with Keran so Hawke wouldn't have to. "All of this is an elaborate plot to overthrow Meredith?"

"She needs to go," Keran said. "We need a new viscount, and templars who serve to protect the mages, not harm them. What Thrask has managed to accomplish is the first step to a better way. For six years he has brought mages and templars together. Taught us that we didn't have to hate each other out of fear, and that we could work together. Meredith wishes to undo all of that, keep the mages in check with fear from those under her command. We no longer wish to follow her."

"The only other person willing to help your cause is Hawke," Sebastian told him. "But kidnapping her brother was not the way to gain that support."

Keran sighed. "I know. Like I said, if I had known it was her brother I would've said something sooner. We have a base out on the Wounded Coast, the southernmost region. That's where he's being held. I assure you, he is unharmed."

Hawke turned and glared at him. "For your sake, he better not be."

_We immediately left for the coast. All I could think about was Carver; I didn't care for the mages or the templars or Meredith. I needed to know my brother was safe, and would deal with the rest of them once I was certain he was out of harms way._

_We ran into Samson along the way, the crazy ex-templar who usually hung out in Lowtown begging for lyrium. He still seemed a bit crazed, but he assisted us when a group of shades attacked us. That made me nervous; if there were shades, that meant blood mages. To think the templars were condoning this? Samson agreed; a mage templar alliance was an honorable idea, but if the templars turned a blind eye to it for the sake of a truce, what kind of future did that mean for Kirkwall? They were ignoring their duties in stopping blood mages by joining them, and Samson wanted no part of it._

_Neither did I._

_I told him to hurry back to Kirkwall and get Cullen, and any other templar that Cullen knew was still loyal to Meredith. I needed templars that were thinking clearly, not Thrask's group of blood mage supporters and kidnappers._

_We found the base further south, right where Keran said they would be. I saw Thrask, and Grace and Alain from the Starkhaven Circle, and Carver. He was unconscious but alive, and I thanked the Maker for that. Thrask begged me to see reason, explained his stance on what he was trying to do. An honorable goal I told him, but this was not the way._

_He agreed, and told Grace to free Carver, but she had other ideas. She admitted she was waiting to have her revenge on me for killing her lover, Decimus, and so she refused to release Carver. Thrask told her to stand down, but instead she killed him before rallying the other mages to attack us. Alain tried to stand up to Grace, but she knocked him to the ground before focusing her attacks on us. The templars attempted to assist, but they were overwhelmed. It was a long, exhausting fight, and if Cullen and his men hadn't arrived when they did, I'm not so certain we would have survived._

_Alain released Carver before being escorted back to the Gallows by Cullen, who also allowed Carver a pass for the night to return with us to Kirkwall. It was nice having Carver home. We were able to have dinner together, and then we sat by the fire and just talked, catching up on each other's lives. I have missed him so much Father. To think I almost lost him as well? His being in danger on account of my actions within the city have only strengthened my resolve to end this final conflict in Kirkwall and then leave with Sebastian immediately for Starkhaven._

_Of course I'm not entirely certain where Sebastian is on his plane to retake the throne. We haven't talked about it in a while, but I'm hopeful that some of the connections he made at Chateau Haine are finally coming together with a solution. The sooner we get out of here the better._


	87. Herbalist's Tasks (Act 3)

_Dearest Father,_

_Seeing Solivitus in the Gallows after we visited Meredith reminded me that I had been keeping something for him. Over the years he has provided me with lists of rare ingredients that I have managed to procure for him, and I became familiar with just how unique some random items can be. If a spider gland or a varterral heart can excite the man, imagine what a dragon's fire gland would do to him!_

_I rushed home to retrieve the item, and then Sebastian and I returned to the Gallows. On the way, Sebastian was reminiscing about the fight with the high dragon where the gland came from. We've been in danger so many times, I had forgotten I almost died that day. But I do remember it shook him up pretty badly, and as he spoke of it, I still felt the guilt for putting him through that. After what happened with the Arishok, I think his fear of losing me grows with each battle we face. It's always nice to hear about how someone cares for you, but looking back on how many times I've come close to dying? I could do without that trip down memory lane._

_Solivitus welcomed me back with open arms, gushing about how his store has never been better stocked, and he owed it all to me. From what I could see, he had created quite a few new items and potions from all of the things I've brought him over the years. He told me that if I managed to find any more rare specimens, he would make something especially for me. You should have seen the way his face lit up when I handed him the fire gland. He was overjoyed, and very excited to get to work immediately._

"This turned out beautifully!" Solivitus exclaimed as he entered the Hawke estate.

"Do come in Sol," Hawke grinned at his positive energy as Solivitus was already halfway to the living room, his excitement nearly infectious.

"I couldn't wait for you to return to the Gallows," he explained. "I had to deliver it at once. My best work yet, something worthy of a Champion! I do hope you can put it to good use."

Hawke sat on the couch, gesturing for him to do the same. "Care to tell me exactly what 'it' is?"

"An amulet," Solivitus explained. "It will protect you from fire, and boost your immune system to help resist some of that damage you take when you fight." He held out the amulet and placed it in her hand. "I call her Urzara's Tooth."

She studied the object closely, and could feel the magic pulsing within. "You made this out of that gland? Sol it's amazing. And shaped like a tooth, clever name then. But Urzara? What's that?"

Solivitus smiled gleefully. "Allow old Sol to tell you a story, dear Champion." He cleared his throat, and then began telling her the tale of Urzara. "In 7:28 Storm, a high dragon rampaged through the northern Free Marches, destroying villages and killing over a hundred people. Following in the dragon's wake was a group of wild-eyed fanatics who worshipped the dragon they called Urzara.

"The cultists believed Urzara would soon claim the Maker's throne, being the child of the Old God Urthemiel. To prepare for the dragon's ascension to true godhood, the cultists burned down village chantries and forced those they came upon to bow down to their crude stone idol of the dragon.

"Followed by her cult, the dragon returned to her mountainside home near the mouth of the Minanter River. The Marchers, afraid the dragon and her cult might one day return, assembled a small army of militiamen. The men suffered heavy losses but succeeded in killing the dragon. When Urzara fell, many cultists threw themselves into the Minanter and died.

"The cult leader was captured and taken to Tantervale where he was publicly emasculated, disemboweled, and burned. His symbol of power, a talisman carved from Urzara's mighty tooth, was awarded to the man who struck the killing blow on the dragon."

Hawke looked down at the amulet again. "That's...a very interesting tale Sol. Thank you for telling me, and thank you again for this."

"Anytime Champion," Solivitus said as he stood, and Hawke escorted him to the door. "And be sure to remember me if you find any more rare ingredients!"

* * *

_I received a rather angry letter from Lady Elegant this morning. Apparently Solivitus has been raving to all the merchants about the fire gland I brought him, and she was not pleased at all. 'I have been more than happy to supply you with the potions you've needed over the years,' she said. 'All I asked was for you to inform me of any interesting reagents you found along your travels. Elfroot, spindleweed, embrium, these are quite common my dear. The ambrosia was a nice touch, but a gland from a high dragon you give to Solivitus? I won't forget this Hawke.'_

_Needless to say, if I find anything further, I will offer it to Lady Elegant as a peace offering. Though I'm not sure how I can top the fire gland. Is there any creature more powerful than a high dragon Father? Then again, if there is, I don't think I want to ever meet it._

* * *

**_Author's Note: Sol's tale on the amulet taken directly from the codex entry on Urzara's Tooth._ **


	88. The Lost Swords

Fenris stood beside Hawke as she perused the wares at Korval's blade stand in Hightown. He had spent the morning with her as she wandered the market district selling items they had picked up along their travels, and Korval was the last stop on the mental list she had.

"Are you certain we are at the right stand?" Fenris asked. "As I recall, swordplay isn't exactly your strongest skill."

Hawke laughed. "Not for me silly," she informed him. "I'm trying to find a new blade for Carver. And since you're the expert in the greatsword, and you're with me today, there's no better time like the present. Any suggestions?"

Fenris eyed the blades the merchant was selling. "This one," he said, lifting the large red steeled sword.

"Aye, a fine eye you have friend," Korval said. "That there is called the Limbtaker. Only the finest of warriors should attempt to wield ye, and it has a spot for runes if ya know anyone with the ability to craft 'em."

"I do indeed," Hawke said, lifting the blade. "Maker, this is heavy. And it's nearly as long as you are," she said to Fenris.

The elf frowned. "Perhaps too heavy for your brother. What does he use now?"

Hawke shrugged. "Some stupid templar issued sword I'm sure," she told him. "But this is perfect for him. He'll get stronger with practice if he uses it, right?"

"He will," Fenris informed her. He continued to look at the swords for purchase, and retrieved another one. "A Qunari blade?"

Korval nodded. "Aye, many of them blades were found after the invasion. A few of us merchants gathered 'em to sell. Not a bad make if you're into wavin' around the enemy's weapons."

"You should purchase that one as well," Fenris told Hawke.

"What would I want with another Qunari blade?" she asked. "Do you know how many I have collecting dust in the vault from our travels? Two from the Wounded Coast, two we found at the docks. Then there's the one that the De Launcet's had, though Maker knows why. And the one we found at Anders' clinic, the one from Lowtown… I think I have enough of them if you want one. We don't need to buy another."

"We do," Fenris said, before turning to Korval. "These other merchants, who are they?"

Korval thought for a moment. "I know the Gallow's shop has one, and I think the weaponsmithy in Lowtown as well. You collectin' 'em?"

"Yes," Fenris stated.

"We are?" Hawke asked. "News to me. Care to explain why?"

"Later," Fenris told her. "Purchase the blades and let us be on our way."

Hawke scowled at him for being so secretive, but she did as he asked and purchased both the Limbtaker and the Qunari sword. Fenris rarely asked her for anything, so whatever his reasoning was for getting yet another blade, she was certain it must be important to him.

_Dearest Father,_

_I learned today that the Qunari who visits Hightown, Taarbas he is called, was sent to the city to retrieve the swords from his fallen comrades during the Qunari invasion. I've seen him outside the estate every day, but never bothered to find out why he was there. I have no love for the Qunari, you know this, so why would I care? Well, apparently Fenris cared enough to ask, and he's the one that filled me in on Taarbas' mission._

_Is it wrong that I was torn about helping this Taarbas? I'm surprised no one in Hightown thought to call the guard to have him escorted out of the city, given the devastation the Qunari left behind after they invaded. Maybe they feared him, or just wanted to ignore him like I've done for so long. Had I known his mission would be so easy to complete and he'd be gone, I assure you I would've done it sooner._

_I remember Saemus telling me that the Qunari really don't care for the bodies of their fallen, and Fenris reminded me that their weapons are more appropriate for how they remember their dead. So we gathered the rest of the swords from Kirkwall, retrieved the ones I had already found, and handed them over to Taarbas. Ten in total seemed to be enough to satisfy whatever demand he was talking about, and he offered me a staff in exchange for completing his mission for him._

_The Qunari sew the mouths of their mages, why would they even have a staff to reward me with? It seemed like an odd thing to be carrying around, but I can't really complain. Amazing craftsmanship, this staff. I've never seen anything like it. Looks more like a blade than a staff, but it works beautifully. Fenris says it even has a name, Bassrath-Kata. Don't know what it means, but it sure sounds fancy._

_When we were finished with the Qunari, Fenris informed me that Sebastian was waiting to speak with me at the Chantry. I was wondering why Fenris was babysitting me all day; lately Sebastian doesn't leave my side, so I found it suspicious when it was Fenris who arrived at my door. I tried to find out from Fenris what Sebastian was up to all morning, but all he'd say was that I'd find out when I went to the Chantry. Apparently Fenris was meant to distract me while Sebastian took care of something, though he wouldn't say what._

_So I'm off to the Chantry to find out what's going on. I'll let you know what happens._


	89. Questioning Beliefs: Sebastian (Act 3)

**_Author's Note: Chaste marriage or break up? I don't think so. Here's where I fix what Bioware failed to give us (I still love you though Bioware). You will not find this option in game._ **

* * *

_Dearest Father,_

_The apprehension I felt made it difficult to walk up the steps toward the Chantry. I don't know why I was so nervous, everything with Sebastian and I has been going well. Maybe it was from not seeing him all morning, or the fact that it was Fenris who told me I should go to the Chantry instead of Sebastian coming to the estate as he normally does each day. It was just odd, but I figured the sooner I went the better, keep my mind from thinking all sorts of foolish thoughts._

_When I arrived, Sebastian was having a discussion with Aveline. It was strange seeing Aveline in the Chantry; not her normal place to visit for certain. It was even stranger to see her not in uniform, but she looked good. Happy even. I suppose marriage has done wonders for uplifting her mood._

_I didn't mean to listen in on their conversation, but I couldn't help it when I heard my name mentioned by Sebastian. When I heard what they were speaking about, I had no choice but to intervene._

"You know as well as I do that Hawke should do it. Kirkwall needs a viscount, and who else cares for the city and its citizens more than she does?" Sebastian asked Aveline.

Aveline folded her arms across her chest. "You know she doesn't want that," she said.

"The people look to their leaders when there's war," Sebastian stated. "And Hawke is that leader already. She's the Champion after all, who better to lead this city during this most vulnerable time?"

"You should probably discuss that with her," Aveline said, looking over his shoulder and seeing Hawke ascend the stairs to the landing. "Just don't call the guard when she rings your neck about it," Aveline called as she left the two of them alone.

Hawke laughed as she passed Aveline and then stood before Sebastian. "I must be hearing things. You want me to be viscount?"

Sebastian took her hand and led her upstairs toward the pews outside the confessional. They sat together, Sebastian keeping a firm grasp on her hand. "Andraste said the Maker is King in the heavens, but it is the Kings of Thedas that must recreate His worldly glory. I keep thinking about that, about us, about what that could mean for our future."

Hawke kept her gaze focused on their entwined fingers in her lap. "And what conclusions have you reached?" she dared to ask, not sure if she was prepared to hear his answer. If he wanted her to become viscount, yet still wanted to pursue becoming the Prince of Starkhaven, where did that leave them and their relationship?

"I have been with the Chantry for many years," Sebastian began. "Spreading the word of the Maker and Andraste, doing what I can for the poor lost souls. But Andraste was right; only a leader, someone in power such as a prince or a viscount, could sway an entire city. I am certain now more than ever that returning to Starkhaven is what I need to do. But to leave Kirkwall in the hands of Meredith, that is what has me unsettled about my decision."

"So if I were to become viscount, you'd feel better about leaving?" The weight within the pit of her stomach became heavier. Was he really going to suggest, after everything they had gone through, that they now become leaders of separate cities?

"You have been a key factor in all of my decisions," Sebastian told her. "I was content to remain in the Chantry, doing the Maker's work and devoting my life to His cause." He turned to look at her, gently turning her head with his free hand so she would return his gaze. "Since meeting you, my mission, my purpose, has completely changed. You mean the world to me Marian. I couldn't have gotten through this time without you. You must know that."

Hawke stared into his blue eyes, and could no longer hold back the fear that had grown within her. Was this goodbye? It sounded like goodbye, and the very thought of being separated from this man was nearly too much to bear. "So you'd leave me here and return to Starkhaven? Again?"

Sebastian brushed away a stray tear from her cheek with his thumb. "No," he said. "I'm afraid I just can't do that."

She shook her head, confused at his contradicting words. "But I can't remain here and you be there and us still be together. Not that I could ever become viscount, with Meredith around and me being a mage. But even if I could, it would take us both years, a lifetime even, to get the cities where they need to be. We'd be apart forever."

"And that is why I still remain," he told her, gently squeezing her hand. "I told Aveline you would be the best choice for viscount because it's true. You would, and the people of Kirkwall know this. But you're right, Meredith would never stand for it, in fact I fear if she caught wind of you even considering it, she may become a bit hostile."

Hawke still wasn't certain what he was trying to say. "I don't see a solution here Sebastian," she said. "I don't understand."

His eyes softened as he looked at her, taking both her hands in his. "Starkhaven needs me, but has been without me for nearly fifteen years," he said. "It can wait a bit longer. You are needed here, and I need you, and I will not leave either you or Elthina in the middle of danger with this rebellion brewing."

"Really?" Hawke asked, surprised by his words. "Do you mean that?"

Sebastian nodded. "We remain, deal with Meredith, make you viscount if necessary, and once the city is stable again, we go to Starkhaven. Together, with a clean conscious for us both that we've done all we could for Kirkwall."

Her tears fell freely now, though they were tears of joy. "I can't believe you'd do this," she said. "You've talked about Starkhaven for so long, and to put it off for me?"

"Believe it," he assured her. "And it's not just for you. I'm being a bit selfish wanting to remain by your side, am I not? There is, however, one thing we need to do before we set this plan into motion."

Hawke released his hand to wipe her tears. "What more could there be? Becoming viscount seems like an impossible task on its own. I'm not so certain I could handle something more."

"What about me moving into the estate?" Sebastian asked with a grin. "Could you handle that?"

She nearly screamed with glee at those words, and wrapped her arms around him. "You mean it?" she whispered, containing her excitement as she remembered where they were.

Sebastian returned her embrace, stroking her hair gently. "I do not want to be away from you for another moment," he told her. "Today. Now in fact, if you'll have me. I've already told Elthina."

Hawke pulled away but kept her arms locked around his neck. "Really? So sure I'd say yes?"

He pressed his lips to hers, which was answer enough for her.


	90. Non-Quest: Unity

_Dearest Father,_

_It has been a bit of an overwhelming day, to say the least. Sebastian informed me that he's decided to remain in Kirkwall, with me, until we find a fitting solution to the city's problem with Meredith, the mages, and the templars. For as long as I have known him, he has struggled with the decision to remain with the Chantry or return to Starkhaven and reclaim it for his family. But now he's chosen to stay just for me?_

_I have worried for so long that I'd influence his decision either way, and now he's confirmed that his desire to remain is based on our relationship. It's humbling, flattering, but also a little terrifying. What if something happens to Starkhaven that he could've prevented had he been there? What if, by some miracle from the Maker, I am given the title of Viscount and must remain in Kirkwall? We don't know how long it'll be before Meredith's wrath ends; will Sebastian come to regret his decision?_

_These fears are nothing new, I know this. I have thought about this for a long time. And I also know it has been unfair of me to think that Sebastian is a man that can not make decisions for himself. If he truly wanted to return to Starkhaven, he would. If he wanted to remain a man of faith with the Chantry, he could. I need to just accept the fact that he has chosen me, embrace the knowledge that there's nowhere else he'd rather be._

_I never thought I would love again after Jeremy, but looking back now, I realize my relationship with him was nothing compared to what I feel for Sebastian. I don't mean to diminish the engagement in any way, but Jeremy and I were very young when we were together. Young, foolish, lost in the idea that we'd get married and raise children on his farmland in Ferelden, live happily ever after. We knew nothing about the reality that surrounded us; that as a mage, that dream would be near impossible. We were never as free as we thought we were; you were constantly one step ahead of the templars and it was you that kept us safe. Had Jeremy not been killed by the Qunari, either the Blight would have taken us, or the templars would have eventually found me. As wonderful as Jeremy was in his stoic promises to always protect me, he knew very little about what harboring an apostate truly meant._

_Life in Kirkwall has opened my eyes to the reality of living as a mage. I have been fortunate, much more so than those that Anders helps flee the Gallows, or the apostates constantly on the run from Meredith and her templars. But I'm not hiding on some farm in the middle of Ferelden. I am the Champion of Kirkwall, potential Viscount. The titles alone show Thedas that a mage can be trusted in a position of power. For whatever reasons Meredith still allows me to remain free, I need to remember that I am an example for mages. If I can prove that freedom does not result in corruption, maybe I really can start making a difference in Thedas for mages._

_And if Sebastian does reclaim the throne in Starkhaven, his influence would also be beneficial. That a prince chooses to have a mage by his side? Unheard of in Thedas! Imagine what that could do for mages though? Together we have the potential to change so much, and publicly! For every negative story you hear about an apostate, together Sebastian and I can hopefully create a positive one in support of mage's freedom._

_He has already taken that first step by moving into the estate. He is not afraid to show Kirkwall, Starkhaven, and Thedas, that he willingly aligns himself with a mage. It's a start for anyone that sees us together, knowing who he is and what I am. I've already heard the buzzing of the nobles gossiping as Bodahn retrieved Sebastian's possessions from the Chantry. I truly believe the citizens of this city would support me as their Viscount, if the offer presented itself. Sebastian would bring the Chantry support, and I have Aveline and the guards. I have assisted many templars, and with Carver's help, I think I have most of them on my side as well. That just leaves Meredith._

_But we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. For now, I have another more exciting challenge ahead; Sebastian's first night in his new home. I admit I'm a bit terrified, but it has been a long time Father. For both of us in fact, so maybe he's just as nervous as I am._

* * *

Hawke sat on the couch and watched as the letter burned in the fireplace. She followed the flames as they danced, taking note of the soft red coals below. As much as her heart still ached that her letters burned, these were the moments when she was most at peace. Lost in the visual display before her, she was able to forget all of her apprehension for this evening.

At least until a loud pop from the crackling fire snapped her out it. She inhaled deeply, attempting to relax herself, as she adjusted to the new sounds in her home.

She could hear Sebastian moving about upstairs in her bedroom.  _Our bedroom_ , she corrected herself. The thought both terrified and delighted her. She knew that once they got through this first night together, each night after would be easier. But that didn't help her nerves as her mind raced with possibilities for the evening.

Sebastian had stayed overnight with her on a few occasions, but he had always been the perfect gentleman. Hawke knew he'd continue to be if she asked, but deep down she was tired of waiting. He was here, now, and there really was no reason she could possibly think of to wait any longer. Her desires to become more intimate with him had grown with each passing night they were forced to say goodbye until morning. But those nights were over.

Now they would lay together in their bed; fall asleep together, wake together, start and end their day together. Those thoughts brought her nothing but joy, so why was she so scared to be with him? She wanted nothing more than to give all of herself to him, and take what he had to offer her. If he even wanted to.

Hawke hadn't considered that before. Sebastian has lived the chaste lifestyle for so long, would he even want to be with her tonight? What if he was upstairs, right now, thinking about all the ways he could let her down without disappointing her? The sigh escaped her lips before she even realized she was holding her breath. Would she be able to handle it if he did indeed rejected her?

Sebastian's voice from the top of the stairs startled her. "Marian?"

He said her name, and his tone alone caused her flesh to pebble. Hawke turned to look at him, and gave him a bright smile. "This will take some getting used to," she admitted. "No one has called me by my first name around here in a long time."

He descended the stairs and joined her on the couch. She took a moment to look at him, dressed in his casual brown pants and cream colored shirt. Hawke thought getting used to his armor and bow being in the foyer was strange enough, but this? Getting to see him comfortable and relaxed and in a home they now shared? The smile never left her face.

Sebastian caressed her cheek before tucking a stray wisp of hair behind her ear. "What are you thinking?" he asked when she didn't stop beaming.

Hawke felt her cheeks burn. "Do I really have to answer that?"

A small grin crossed his lips and he laughed softly. "Not if you don't want to," he told her. He took her hand as his smile faded, his tone suddenly serious. "I would never make you do anything you didn't want to. You know that, right?"

She nodded as she squeezed his hand. "I know," she assured him. "And I do. Want to, that is. If, you know, you want to."  _Maker, I sound like a bumbling idiot_. Hawke inwardly scolded herself.

Sebastian's free hand caressed her cheek once more. "I have wanted nothing more since the moment I first saw you," he said. "I would very much like for you to be with me. Tonight, if you'll have me."

Hawke could not find the words to respond, so instead she leaned forward and pressed her lips to his. He gently stroked her chin as he returned her kiss, softly and more intimately than they had ever kissed before. There was an underlying hint of need, a strong pull of desire, and a desperation for each other that came across in that kiss. It nearly pained him to pull away, but he did so and stood, keeping hold of her hand. She followed his lead as they retreated to the bedroom.


	91. Blade of Mercy

"Fenris, are you here?" Hawke called out as she entered the mansion.

The sound of bare feet on the stone floor above her told Hawke that he was indeed home, and she smiled at him as he appeared over the railing of the upstairs landing. "Is there somewhere else I would be?"

Hawke laughed as she climbed the stairs. "I never know with you these days," she teased. "Drinks and Wicked Grace at the Hanged Man, or distracting one friend while the other conspires to blindside her…"

"Ah, is that what this is about?" Fenris asked. "As I recall, that blindside was to come with a satisfactory ending. Is that not so?"

Her cheeks flushed at the ending she had received, though she doubted that was what Fenris referred to. "Sebastian is living at the estate now, yes."

"Then I believe you owe me one," Fenris said with a smirk as they entered his study.

"And I am here to repay you," Hawke said, retrieving the sword she had hidden under her robes. "After our recent sword shopping, I remembered I had found this when we were dealing with Grace and Thrask. I also remembered the expression on your face when you saw it."

Fenris reached for the sword. "I had wondered what became of it," he said as he admired the weapon. "A Blade of Mercy," he told her. "I have seen several in the Imperium. They are replicas of the sword Archon Hassarian used to kill Andraste. Most are cheap knockoffs, but this one appears finely crafted."

"Is it worth anything to you?" Hawke asked. "Could you use it?

He turned the blade over, and then took a step back from her before testing the sword with a few swinging arcs. "Yes, I believe I could," Fenris said. "I am surprised someone easily discarded it. Normally they are gifts of honor given to those who have performed a service to the Imperium. I remember Danarius had several on display in Tevinter."

"Maybe whoever had it no longer cared about status in the Imperium," Hawke suggested. "Much like you I imagine, since you rarely talk about the Imperium."

Fenris nodded. "True. It is not a place I remember fondly."

Hawke sat on the couch in front of the fireplace. "I'm sorry," she told him. "Maybe the sword was a bad idea. Had I known…"

"It is fine," Fenris said as he joined her on the couch, setting the blade aside. "Danarius is gone, I need to put those days behind me, as I have often been reminded."

"Sometimes I wonder what it's like, living in a place where mages are in power," Hawke admitted. "Sebastian suggested I consider the Viscount position. At first I thought it was a fascinating idea the possibilities seemed endless. But the more I think about it, the more I don't know if that's possible, or if I'd want even more attention than I get now as Champion."

Fenris leaned forward and stared into the fire. "The Chantry saying of how magic exists to serve man and not rule him applies heavily here. In the Imperium, they take that to mean magic should serve the greater good, and that is what the magisters claim to do. But there, the magisters rule all, including the Chantry and its templars." He shook his head. "Were you in a position of power in Kirkwall, every decision would be guided by both, with the threat of throwing you in the Gallows if you did not comply."

"Which, unlike the Imperium, they have full authority to do," Hawke stated.

"Exactly," Fenris said. "In the Imperium, most of the magisters turn to blood magic because more power equals higher status, which leads to better positions of changing laws to their advantage. It is accepted there. Here, you are nothing more than a mage who has served this city well, but the moment you try to bring true change that may reflect poorly on the Chantry?"

"I get it," Hawke sighed. "So neither place is really ideal for a mage who stays away from blood magic."

"An unfortunate reality," Fenris told her. "What one may think is a positive change is not always the case. There was one archon who tried to have slavery outlawed from the Imperium, but he was quickly assassinated. Politics of any sort are dangerous."

"It's hard to watch this city fall apart and not be able to do anything about it," Hawke told him. "As Champion I have a title and nothing more, and as Viscount, as you said, I'd merely be a puppet. That's not how I want it."

Fenris turned to look at her. "You do not have to be in a position of power to bring change," he said. "Consider what you have already done for this city. You were able to stop a Qunari invasion, something the Imperium has been struggling with for decades. Change has already happened due to your actions. Do not think you are helpless because of your lack of position. And, while  _you_  do not have the title that matters, there is someone who does."

"Sebastian," Hawke stated.

"Indeed. With no viscount and Meredith in charge, Kirkwall may be beyond hope," Fenris told her. "But Starkhaven is a city demanding change. With the fall of their circle, I see no better opportunity for you than to begin your mission there."

Hawke laughed. "And what exactly is my mission? I don't think I even know."

"Whatever it is, I am certain you will achieve success," Fenris said as he stood, picking up his new sword. "And when that day comes, it will be an honor to be at your side."

* * *

_Dearest Father,_

_Fenris has my mind spinning. While Sebastian made some good points about how me becoming Viscount of Kirkwall could benefit this city, I think maybe Fenris is right. Regardless of title, I am and always will be a mage, and a mage with any power is unthinkable outside of the Imperium. They wouldn't allow me to make changes to the Gallows, or how the templars do things, or the restrictions on mages within the city. It's clear from others who have held that position that they still answer to someone else, and so change is near impossible._

_But Starkhaven...there is where real change can happen. With Sebastian as Prince, he would hold all of the power over his city. And together we could do so much more than we could ever do here in Kirkwall. A fresh start to try and make real change, show all of Thedas that it's possible for mages to live freely without consequence. Starkhaven could be the start of something amazing for mages._

_But my heart is torn, because I have given so much to this city already. I had true hope that I'd be able to make things better for the mages here. But every day things are getting worse from what I hear. Anders has completely isolated himself from everyone, focusing only on his mage underground and very little on his friends or even his clinic. I feel like there's a darker side to the city that I'm not even aware of, where the escaped mages are plotting and planning revenge, instead of trying to make real change. Thrask and the others had the right idea, they just went about it the wrong way._

_I can't help but wonder if there was some progress there, before Grace turned to blood magic and proved why mages shouldn't be trusted. I haven't been able to get back to the Gallows and see what the remaining templars were thinking, but I'm sure they had a change of heart after seeing Thrask die. And I can't really can't blame them if they did._

_Maybe some things just can't be fixed. Maybe I need to learn when to just walk away, instead of fighting to the death for something that can never be. Do I remain here and fight the unwinnable fight? Or do I move on to where I know I can make things better? It seems like such a simple decision, and yet I'm still here._

_You taught me to never give up, but you also told me to know when I'm in over my head and when to cut my losses. And I don't want to give up on Kirkwall, but Fenris is right; there is no hope for this city. At least none that I can see. In a perfect world, I could convince Anders to come with us to Starkhaven, where he too can be optimistic about the changes we could make for mages. And if there's a way to convince Carver to join us, please let me know, because I'd hate to leave him here among this brewing chaos. If the mages are planning something, it'll be against the templars, and if anything happens to Carver, I don't know what I would do._


	92. An Anniversary

Hawke sat at Varric's table watching the dwarf pace back and forth in his room at the Hanged Man. He had asked her to stop by, but now he remained oddly quiet as she sat in silence, waiting to hear what he wanted to discuss.

Varric stopped, turned to Hawke, but then continued his path along the south wall. He'd planned this entire speech in his head a dozen times, but now that Hawke was here, he was at a loss for words. Which frustrated him beyond measure, because Varric always had the talent for words, even ones as difficult as this.

"Oh enough of this," he said, walking toward the table and placing his hands on the chipped wood. He released a long sigh before continuing. "This is awkward."

"I gathered from the path in the floor you've created," Hawke replied. "Whatever it is Varric, I'll hear you out. Take your time."

Varric sat opposite her, adjusting Bianca on his back as he did so. "Always so reasonable," he commented before sighing again. "Look. I just wanted to say that it has been an honor knowing you."

Hawke raised a brow. "Are you about to die?" She asked him. "Am I? What's going on Varric?"

The panic in her voice was not the reaction he had hoped for. "No, no, nothing like that. It's just...I needed to get that off my chest. There have been so many close calls over the years; the Deep Roads, the Qunari, and I've never told you, well, what I just told you."

"Well it has been an honor knowing you as well Varric," Hawke said as she smiled. "We've been through a lot together, you and I."

"We have indeed," he replied. "And I know things with Choir Boy are progressing, no doubt you two will be headed off to Starkhaven to live your happily ever after. But when I think back on when we first met, six years ago in fact since that day you and Carver went to Bartrand about the expedition, I realized I never told you that I appreciate your friendship. So there you have it."

"I know it's foolish of me to ask," Hawke began, looking away, "But you know you are more than welcome to come with us."

Varric laughed. "And give up all this? I've been in Kirkwall my entire life. You think Kirkwall, you think Varric. Without Bartrand around, the guild would kill me if I left. Besides, that's your adventure to move on to, not mine."

Hawke wasn't surprised that just the thought of leaving Varric was bringing tears to her eyes. "You're not rid of me yet Varric," she told him as she tried to compose herself. "Still a few things to do around here, and Sebastian is still gathering allies. I'm sure we can get ourselves into all sorts of trouble before I go."

Varric nodded and lifted his glass. "Then here's to whatever comes next."

* * *

_Dearest Father,_

_Varric and I have been through so much together. When I think back on the amount of times that dwarf has been there for me, I can't help but tear up to think he won't be in my future. He's not the type of person to get all mushy or express his feelings, that much has been obvious from the moment I met him, so to have him say that it's been an honor being my friend meant everything to me._

_After he introduced himself to Carver and I after being rejected by Bartrand, I knew we would become fast friends. Our first job together was with Anders trying to help his friend Karl; anyone who would stand beside a mage while fighting templars had to be someone special. I also owe him a lot for Sebastian._

_Varric was the one who suggested we check the Chanter's board for work that day, which was the first time I saw Sebastian. Had he never suggested it, things may have turned out quite differently for me. To think of a life without Sebastian is unimaginable now, so I owe Varric more than I think he even realizes._

_We've also had countless discussions about our siblings throughout the years, something I haven't really been able to talk to anyone else about. He and Carver used to bond over being professional younger brothers, but what Carver doesn't know is Varric and I would bond over feeling responsible for our siblings. Bartrand never had much business sense; it was always Varric making the deals for him. And Carver, well, you know what he's like Father - hot-headed and irrational sometimes, and didn't always make the best decisions. I'm thankful he's doing much better now, though I wish the same could be said about Bartrand._

_Varric doesn't talk about him much, but I know he worries. It's not easy to be away from your sibling, regardless of where they are or what they are going through. I hate not being able to see Carver every day like I used to, and I know Varric feels the same about Bartrand. I almost feel bad to complain about it with Carver at least in the same city as me. I wonder if Varric plans on visiting Bartrand, or if it may be too painful to do so? That reminds me, I never did ask him if that piece of the idol was any help to him._

_I hope so._

* * *

**_Author's Note: I apologize for the delay, and regret to inform you that more delays may be in the future for this story. There are only 3 chapters left, but they are 3 very critical chapters, so I want to give them the time and love they deserve. Thanks to everyone for the continued support and patience. Next week is the 3 year anniversary of writing this story...crazy! But it's almost done; I want the end to be perfect (in my eyes at least) so I hope you understand._ **

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Dearest Father: A Tribute](https://archiveofourown.org/works/4132419) by [Wintryone](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wintryone/pseuds/Wintryone)




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